TITLE: For The Baby's Sake
AUTHOR: Tainted Pink
EMAIL: taintedpink@hotmail.com
WEBSITE: http://www.livejournal.com/users/taintedwicked
RATING: R
LENGTH: 14816 words
PAIRING: Harry Potter / Remus Lupin
SPOILERS: PS/SS, CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP
WARNINGS: Slash, MPreg
FEEDBACK: Very appreciated, especially the constructive kind.
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
SUMMARY: Remus wants a baby. Harry is determined to make it happen.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic is part of the 'Mortal Moon' Harry/Remus Fuh-Q-Fest (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mortalmoonfest/).
CHALLENGE: 106. Remus confesses his life-long dream: to be a father. It is impossible because although he can father a child, he can't carry it. Because he wishes to be a single parent, there doesn't seem to be any way to do it. Until Harry volunteers to carry the baby for him. What are friends for, right? (Starling Siren)
BETA: Seawytch Leah

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harry picked himself up off the floor and brushed copious amounts of soot off his robes.

He hated Flooing, and he especially hated Flooing to Grimmauld Place, where the floor always seemed extra hard.

He hoped there weren't too many people there. At that time of day, he figured only Remus would be, but it was hard to know for sure. Sometimes meetings were scheduled at odd hours. And some Order members seemed to come and go without any good reason at all.

He wasn't in the mood to answer questions about why he was home at just past noon, when he should have been at work.

They would probably be outwardly sympathetic, but when they thought he wasn't looking they'd smile knowingly. He knew what they'd be thinking. They'd be thinking how they told him so. Some of them would probably be calculating how much they'd just made in that stupid wager Dung had started.

Twenty minutes earlier, when he had stormed out of his boss' office, where he'd finally told the bloody idiot off good and proper, the prospect of telling everyone that he'd quit his job had not bothered him at all. But now he just wanted to get to his room and hide in shame.

Two weeks on the job. It had to be some kind of record for flakiness.

Of course, he should have listened when his friends told him not to take the job in the first place, but he just had to be stubborn, didn't he?

Harry opened the door a crack and looked out cautiously. The hallway was empty, so he crept out, shut the door quietly, and started toward the stairs, thinking he might get to his room unseen, and put off the unpleasant explanations until at least dinner time.

"Well, of course it's best to have children within the confines of a stable relationship. I'm not arguing with that."

Harry froze. Remus' voice was so close, Remus should have been within arm's reach, even though Harry was standing in the middle of an empty hallway. It took him a few moments to realize that he was standing in the part of the hallway where a section of the wall was in the process of being replaced. On the other side was the tea room, and the only thing separating its occupants from Harry was a thin partition.

"What I'm saying is," Remus continued, "if such a relationship is not possible, there is no reason to sacrifice having children, as well. A one-parent home can be just as stable, under the right circumstances."

"Are you really thinking of going through with it?"

Harry recognized Bill's voice, and wondered when Bill had got back from his latest mission to Egypt.

His rational mind told him he should go. His feet, however, stayed exactly where they were.

"I don't know. Adopting on my own is impossible, of course, thanks to the latest legislation. And I doubt I'll ever have the money necessary to hire a surrogate. I have considered finding someone else who wants to have a child, and is having similar difficulty."

"And what -- share the child?"

"I suppose so. It seems like the best way to get through the red tape."

"But you couldn't do that with just anyone. Think how much trust you would be placing in that person."

"Of course. I have thought of that. Which is why I doubt anything will come of this."

"I didn't say you should give up."

"I know you didn't, Bill. I'm just saying I know the odds are against it ever happening. My best bet was Sirius, and he's gone."

"You were going to have a child with him?"

"He said if he was ever cleared, he would adopt for me. Or hire a surrogate. Use his own sperm to avoid any issues over my condition."

Bill gave a low whistle. "Now that's one hell of a friend."

Harry could almost see Remus' wistful smile. "Yes. He was."

"Now, Molly, where did you say you saw it?"

Harry whirled around at the sound of the new voice, then, not waiting for the two women to spot him, opened the first door he saw and stepped inside the empty bedroom it revealed.

As it happened, the bedroom was exactly one floor below his own. Harry easily reached the edge of his windowsill by standing on tip-toe on the balcony railing. With a little effort, he pulled himself up and tumbled into the room.

"H-Harry?"

Harry looked up in horror, immediately spotting Neville, who was sitting on the edge of the bed with his mouth hanging open, staring at Harry.

"I... uh..." Harry picked himself up, blushing furiously. Finally, he managed a shrug. "Didn't want to run into Mrs Weasley."

"Oh." Neville nodded knowingly. "Did she want you to help polish the floors, too?"

"Er... yes, that's it," Harry lied, laughing a little. "What a way to spend a perfectly good Tuesday afternoon, eh?"

Neville cocked his head to one side. "Why aren't you at work?"

"I..." Harry began slowly. Well, it's not like he wouldn't have to tell sooner or later. "I quit, actually."

"Oh. Good for you."

"Good?" Harry repeated confusedly.

"It was a horrible job. They just wanted you for the publicity. You did right to quit."

Harry managed a small, grateful smile. "Thanks, Neville. Was there something you wanted, by the way?"

"No," Neville said cheerfully. "Just hiding from Mrs Weasley. She'd never think to look for me here." He pulled a foil wrapped packet out of a tin lying next to him on the bed, and held it out to Harry. "Care for a chocolate frog?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That night, Harry lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking.

The house was quiet except for its usual sounds; creaking, rumbling old pipes, and the snores of the sleeping portraits.

Maybe it was the fact that the only other person in the house was Remus, or maybe it was the conversation Harry had overheard, but Harry found himself unable to sleep, and all his thoughts returning to the same idea.

Harry knew so little about his parents and godfather, despite the many hours he had spent talking about them with Remus and others who had known them, that any new tidbit seemed extremely important.

He had never considered the possibility that Remus or Sirius would want families of their own.

He realized now that it had been extremely silly of him, not to mention insensitive and naive. Remus was just a person like anyone, and the desire for a family was one of the strongest a human being could have. Harry knew that quite well himself. He hadn't thought about having children yet, of course, but there had been countless times when he'd wished with all his heart that he wasn't an orphan, and had anyone to call his own. He didn't even have the Dursleys anymore. Sometimes it would really hit him how alone in the world he was.

Still, even though he knew all these things, and understood the feelings behind them, he still had a tough time picturing either man knee-deep in kids.

He realized how just how little he knew about either of them, and it was not a nice realization at all.

The fact that Sirius would have gone so far to help Remus have a baby obviously spoke volumes about his personality as well as the depth of their friendship, and yet Harry had been completely unaware of it.

He knew Remus fancied men, because Remus had told him so after Harry accidentally made a confession of his own.

Could Remus and Sirius have been lovers? It hadn't even occurred to Harry to ask that question, and now he wasn't sure he would dare. But if they had been, then it pained Harry to remember how brave and strong Remus had been when Harry had needed him during those times through the years when Sirius' death had especially hurt.

He wondered if Remus would ever find someone else who would do for him what Sirius had offered. Bill had been right to comment on the kind of friend that would take.

Sighing, Harry turned onto his side, determined to get some sleep. Now that he was no longer gainfully employed, he was sure to be assigned any number of tasks around Grimmauld Place starting bright and early the next morning.

It was no use.

Something was bothering him, and it didn't look like it was going to leave him be until he faced it.

He pulled himself up and leaned against the headboard, folding his arms across his chest.

He knew what Sirius had been going to do.

And, now that he thought about it more, he knew what his father would have done, as well, had he been around, because his father had been that kind of friend to Remus too.

Who else was there in Remus' life who cared that much about him?

Certainly not Kingsley or Dung, both of whom cared more about themselves, or Molly and Arthur Weasley, who had very traditional views about proper family structure, or any of the Weasley children, who were busy with careers or growing families and weren't too closely involved with Order business any longer. Dumbledore was gone and couldn't use his influence to help anyone anymore, and McGonagall had nowhere near the same connections. Snape made it clear that the only reason he was still supplying Remus with the Wolfsbane potion was a promise he'd made to Dumbledore as the old man lay dying. Tonks was a nice enough girl but good luck getting her to come down from the clouds long enough to notice someone else's problems. Even Hermione, who certainly would have wanted to help Remus in any way she could, was in no position to do so now that she had started her own family with Ron.

It looked like Remus had been right when he said he doubted his chances of ever becoming a father. With the friends he had left, the odds didn't look good.

Harry squirmed uncomfortably.

Remus deserved to have a child, if that was what he wanted so desperately. The war had stolen so much from so many people, but Remus had been through the first war, too, and had suffered losses then, as well. He deserved to go on with his life, and find happiness.

It was all the Ministry's fault! Why did they have to go and make even more stupid laws against werewolves? Wasn't Remus' Order of Merlin, First Class, worth anything?

But it did no good to blame the Ministry. It was an obstacle to overcome, just as Remus had often said to him over the years. Laws couldn't be changed overnight. One had to work around them.

Harry stared out the window at the few stars that shone brightly enough to still be visible in the pre-dawn sky.

Finally, he sighed in resignation, and at last, he was able to pull up the covers, curl up on his side, and shut his eyes.

Because just as he knew what Sirius would have done had he not died four years earlier, and what James would have done had he not died fourteen years before that, he also knew what Harry Potter, who was the only one in any position to help Remus, was going to do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Absolutely not."

Harry huffed in frustration. It had all seemed very simple that morning, when he had finally made peace with himself after a long night of tossing and turning sleeplessly in his bed. The last thing he had expected was for Remus to flatly refuse to consider his offer.

"Did Bill put you up to this?" Remus continued. "I don't know where else you could have got this."

"I haven't even seen Bill in weeks!" Harry said. Technically, it was the truth. He hadn't seen Bill, since Bill had left Grimmauld Place by the time Harry had crawled out of bed late that morning. "Look, I overheard you talking with him. It's just like I said. I've been thinking about it, and I would be thrilled to help you become a father. It's simple really, I can't imagine why you're so against it!"

"Think a little harder, then," Remus said. "This is not one of your more brilliant ideas."

"Well I think it is! You want to be a father, and I want to help you. What's wrong with that?"

"What's wrong with it is you have no idea what you're saying! Do you even realize what the headlines would be if anyone even thought you were involved in something like this?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "You mean like the headline in today's paper, which claims I assaulted my boss with two hundred autographed wizard photographs?"

Remus continued to frown at him, shaking his head. "This is serious, Harry. They would twist things in ways you can't imagine. Do you want to see a front page story claiming you've taken a werewolf for a lover? I assure you that's exactly what would happen."

"So let it happen," Harry said carelessly. "They can't stop me from living my life the way I want by threatening to make up more lies about me. They do that anyway!

"What about the child? Do you think they'll just leave it alone?"

"Since I won't be raising it, I think they will, eventually. It won't hurt a baby to have headlines in trashy newspapers devoted to it, and it will all blow over by the time the kid is old enough to read."

"And if it won't blow over?"

Harry looked him right in the eyes. "Remus. This child is going to have a werewolf for a father. I think you must have thought of this a hundred times before, so you must have come to the same conclusion. This kid is going to experience prejudice sooner or later, or at least come up against prejudice directed against you. You can't prevent that, and I can't either. It's going to happen, and he or she will just have to learn to deal with it. Since you're still considering having one, then you have made peace with this fact, and still think it's all right to bring the kid into the world in spite of it."

Remus didn't say anything. He was staring out the window, frowning.

"I'm not making light of the problems," Harry continued, feeling that Remus' resolve was weakening. "I'm just saying I want to help you have a baby, and I know what I'm getting into and I'm still willing to go through with it. You don't have to tell me about the media. They've been after me since they day I started Hogwarts. They don't scare me. My real friends will still be by my side when this is over, and that's all I care about, not the opinion of strangers."

There was a long silence, throughout which Remus continued staring out the window as if hypnotized.

"What about your love life?" Remus finally said. "What if you meet someone, later on, who has a problem with you having a child with me?"

Harry snorted in disgust. "Do you think I would get involved with someone who had a problem with you? Just what do you think I am? Besides, we seem to have the same problem. You can't think of anyone you could have a baby with, and I can't think of anyone I could have a relationship with and not wonder all the time why they're with me."

Remus looked sideways at him. "I thought you and Neville...?"

"No," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Tried. Didn't work. Every time I kissed him I kept picturing him and Castor Warrington going at it."

Remus smiled weakly. "What did ever happen to Warrington?"

"Too many bludgers to the head, I think, if he thought he could cheat on a Gryffindor and get away with it. I think he signed up with Bulgaria's reserve team just to get away from the hate mail. That's what he's doing now. Quidditch."

"It really broke poor Neville's heart," Remus said, shaking his head. "You shouldn't joke about it."

"I'm not," Harry said, shrugging. "So. Do you want to do it or not, Remus?"

Remus bit his lip. "Well..."

Harry couldn't believe Remus was about to agree, or that he was even considering it. After the horror-stricken first reaction to his suggestion, Harry had been sure he wouldn't be able to change Remus' mind, though he had given his all trying. Just how much did Remus want this, anyway?

"Well," Remus said again, sighing. "We can try. But if it looks like it's likely to turn ugly, or if you change your mind even a little --"

"Great!" Harry said, clapping Remus on the shoulder. "Nothing's going to go wrong. You'll see. You'll be a father before the year is out!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harry lowered the long roll of parchment, glaring. "You've got to be kidding me."

Remus sighed. "No. I warned you, Harry."

"Maybe I should have used my real name. To hell with the reporters."

"No. I only agreed to this because I thought we could use your pseudonym."

Harry dropped the parchment in disgust, watching as it rolled under the couch. "There's no way I'm submitting to any of that. Who the hell do they think they are?"

"Department of Child Welfare," Remus said dryly, picking up the fallen parchment and folding it neatly. "And they're nothing to mess with. Unless their demands are satisfied, no agency in Britain will work with us."

"Then we'll try outside Britain."

"Other countries have their own regulations, Harry," Remus said, shaking his head. "It won't be any easier. A werewolf and his human partner, who just happens to always be otherwise occupied when it comes time for interviews? This was doomed from the start. We let ourselves be carried away."

"Fine," Harry said, "then we won't do adoption at all. All I see is older kids anyway. We want a baby."

"Or toddler."

"Right. Baby or toddler. But of course if we do surrogacy it will have to be a baby."

Remus stared at him.

"I'm joking," Harry said. "Come on, Remus, lighten up. We're not giving up. We're only getting started. We knew when we got into this that it was going to take some work. We'll just look at all our options."

"We can't consider surrogacy, Harry."

Harry frowned. "Why not? It seems like the obvious choice. I have plenty of money for it."

"It's a medical procedure. You can't hide behind an alternate legal identity. And surrogacy contracts are not enforceable. If the surrogate should change her mind, she can keep the baby and demand support. You can see what kind of problem that would create."

Harry considered, and he didn't like where it led him. "I see what you mean. Or, at least, we can't have it be my baby without risking attracting the wrong type of person. We can use your sperm though, can't we?"

"Not without disclosing my condition."

"It's not contagious that way. I'm sure we can put in a nice bonus and that will take care of it." Harry nodded decisively. "Lets try it. What do we have to lose?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Bloody fucking idiots!"

Remus put a hand on his arm. "It's all right, Harry. I expected it. I should have given you better warning."

Harry continued to fume, not listening to him. "I don't bloody believe this!"

"Look," Remus said, still rubbing his arm soothingly, "we can try finding a surrogate independently. It will be more expensive, and I suppose without an agency we will have to engage full time legal representation, but --"

"Well, what the hell is that about having your sperm 'washed'?! That's just ridiculous!"

"It's common sense. I have an infectious disease. People aren't willing to blindly trust that it can't be spread this way, and they're absolutely right not to. There hasn't been a solid study done on werewolves in years, and I don't think there's anything at all on werewolf reproduction or parenting ability. They're concerned for the welfare of any children produced. The law might hold them partly responsible."

Harry took several deep breaths, trying to push down his anger. Yelling wasn't going to solve anything.

"We'll find a surrogate," Remus continued. "Meanwhile, we'll have my sperm washed and banked properly, so there won't be any delay once we've found the right person."

Harry sighed in resignation. "I'll see about buying ad space in Witch Weekly."

"And I'll look up sperm banks."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "You mean there's more than one?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harry sat on the couch, glaring at a piece of lint on the carpet.

It had been three weeks since Witch Weekly ran the ad.

Long enough for them to check with every one of the six sperm banks in Britain, and to be turned down by all of them. No one wanted to handle potentially contaminated bodily fluid... or so the official story went. Harry had begun to suspect that these establishments simply did not want to gain a reputation for helping Dark creatures reproduce.

The ad had generated some response. Most, Harry decided after noticing that the return addresses were mostly those in poorer districts, had been drawn by the generous sum offered.

Of course, even if they agreed to use one of the women offering their services, it couldn't be done without a sperm bank. No woman would agree to a home insemination, and, as Remus continued to insist, she would be right not to.

It seemed rather hopeless.

Remus came into the room, smiling when he saw Harry. "Look. This was just delivered."

Harry took the letter from Remus' outstretched hand, frowning. "Another response?"

"This one's different."

Harry took the single sheet of pale pink stationary out of the envelope and began to read aloud.

"Dear R.J.L.,
As the mother of seven children, I know the unparalleled joys parenthood can bring. As the mother of a child afflicted with Lycanthropy, I understand your frustration with the current political atmosphere in Britain, which strives make it next to impossible for you to experience these same joys. I would like to help.
I will not lie to you. The money you are offering is part of the reason I am willing to consider working with you. Next year, four of my children will begin school. Since the death of my husband, money has been tight in our household, and it will never be more so than when four growing children will need to be outfitted with uniforms and school books.
Having made inquiries, I regret to inform you that you may have difficulty locating facilities willing to work with you. As you are undoubtedly aware, no legitimate doctor in Britain will inseminate a patient with unwashed sperm, and at the same time, you are unlikely to find a sperm bank willing to work with you.
The only solution I am able to propose is the use of donor sperm. If you are willing to consider such an arrangement, I would be happy to discuss it with you further.
Yours sincerely,
Mary Jane Baudelaire"

Harry folded the letter again, frowning even harder as he looked up at Remus. "Donor sperm?"

"Do you see? It solves the problem we've had with the sperm banks. We will simply purchase what we need. They will hardly refuse our money."

"And doctors will have no reason to refuse the procedure," Harry added, catching on. "Brilliant!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"No reason to refuse..." Harry muttered angrily, glaring at the rejection letter that had just arrived from St. Mungo's. "Fucking bastards."

Beside him, Remus sighed heavily. "This isn't going to work Harry. Don't bother with any other hospital. This has already cost you a small fortune."

"You can't give up!" Harry exclaimed. "This is exactly what they want us to do! We can't let them do this!"

Remus only sighed again.

"I'm not giving up," Harry said stubbornly. "I'm going to find a way to make this happen. Maybe it's time I used my influence. Maybe if I talked to the Minister --"

"Don't even think about it," Remus cut him off.

Harry crossed his arms over his chest. "I'll think of something else, then. I'm not giving up. You're getting a baby if I have to have it for you myself!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harry sat in front of the fireplace, occasionally looking up at the closed tea room door, but mostly scowling into the flames.

Four hours earlier, his legal representative had confirmed that he and Remus were now on he black list of every hospital, sperm bank, and private practice in Europe. Apparently, Harry's efforts to bribe or strong-arm the opposition were not working.

Three hours earlier, Harry had Apparated to Hogsmeade, walked to Hogwarts, and knocked brazenly on the office door of the man he usually preferred to avoid now that he had no further reason to subject to himself to such unpleasant company.

Two hours earlier, he had returned home, armed with a flask containing a potion it had taken a full hour to obtain from Snape, who had done his best to make it understood that he thought Harry had gone clear out of his mind. Harry had then presented the potion to Remus, and had made his intentions known.

That was why for the past two hours Remus had been in the tea room, with the door locked and warded, apparently intending never to speak to Harry again.

"I don't know why you're being so skittish about it," he said loudly enough to be heard through the wards and the door. "I didn't propose having sex. Don't blame me for taking you seriously!"

There was no answer, just like there hadn't been an answer the previous hundred or so times he had tried to reason with Remus.

"I wouldn't have said it if I'd thought you were such a prude!"

Silence. If he hadn't know there was no other way out of that room, he would have thought Remus was long gone.

"I'm coming in there, if you don't answer me," he warned, getting up and taking his wand out. "I mean it."

There was still no answer, and Harry was forced to deliver on his threat.

"Last chance, Remus," he said, taking aim at the lock.

When a minute passed and Remus was still silent, he blasted away the wards, sprang the lock, and pushed open the door.

Standing in the doorway, he took in the situation very quickly.

Remus was slumped over the table, with his arms folded and his head resting on them. His eyes were shut. One hand was still curled around a glass containing a small amount of whisky.

By the looks of it, what was in Remus' glass was the last of the liquor in all of Grimmauld Place. Two bottles were on the table. Another lay smashed on the floor by Remus' feet. All were empty.

"Remus?" Harry asked cautiously, shaking the man's shoulder. "Are you all right?"

Remus looked up, his bloodshot eyes straining to focus and failing. He opened his mouth, but instead of speaking hiccuped loudly.

"I think you've had enough," Harry said, trying to pry the glass from Remus' fingers.

"No," Remus said, showing surprising strength and pulling the glass to his lips. "Wanna... Gods..."

"Er?" Harry said, still trying to hang on to the glass, though it now seemed certain Remus was going to drain it.

"Gods... sick... wanna n-nail my bes' frien' s-son t'... mattress..."

Harry's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You want to what?"

"Ba' thoughts," Remus muttered, hitting himself on the forehead in a manner reminiscent of Dobby the house-elf. "Ba' thoughts..."

"Good thoughts!" Harry blurted out, surprising the hell out of himself. "Would you like to go to bed now?"

Remus stared at him with glassy, glazed-over eyes. Then, to Harry's continued shock, he licked his lips, his gaze traveling down Harry's body.

Maybe he had underestimated what a few years of enforced celibacy could do to a man.

Or maybe Remus liked him.

That thought alone pushed him over the edge.

"That's right," he said, stepping backwards toward the door. "Come on."

He knew that if he stopped and considered, he would be disgusted by what he was doing. Remus was clearly out of his head and probably didn't even recognize him. At the very least, he had no control over himself.

He also knew that it would be the last time Remus gave up that control. With sudden clarity, he realized that Remus would never agree to let him carry a baby, no matter what Harry said to try to convince him.

It was either this or go back on his promise to help Remus become a father.

Would Sirius have given up, faced with the same situation? Harry didn't know.

Anyway, Sirius wasn't there. Harry was. And Harry was willing to do this.

It wasn't like neither he nor Remus had ever had sex outside of a committed relationship. Remus had admitted to everything from one night stands to having once engaged a prostitute. And Harry, though the bulk of his experience was limited to a few quick fucks in supply cupboards between classes and in the shower stalls after Quidditch practice, was hardly a saint himself.

He knew Remus found him attractive, at least. Like any human male, Remus could hardly hide the fact that he liked what he saw when he happened to see it, and Harry had caught him looking away guiltily on several occasions.

Pushing away his scandalized conscience, Harry took another few steps backwards, leading Remus through the doorway and into the front room.

Remus tottered after him. Every step was so wobbly, Harry expected him to collapse any second.

Remus did collapse, but they had made it, more or less, to one of the couches. With a little effort, Harry managed to keep Remus' weight on top of him from pulling them both off the edge.

Remus was already hard and humping urgently at Harry's hip through their clothing.

The flask with the potion was still on the low coffee table where Harry had put it. It wasn't too much effort to reach it.

He hesitated with the cork in one hand and his mouth two inches from the bottleneck.

Would Remus hate him for this?

Remus moaned, clawing at Harry's shirt. Two buttons popped off and skidded noisily across the hardwood floor.

Probably.

But Harry didn't see any other option.

Since having Harry artificially inseminated at a hospital was out of the question, at least if the lawyers were correct about the stranglehold the Department of Child Welfare has over medical practitioners, Harry had been going to suggest home insemination. Somehow, he had missed the sarcasm Remus must have intended when he asked if Harry wouldn't rather just fuck each other senseless.

That had hurt. Especially when Remus punctuated his disgust at Harry's quick acceptance of that proposal with a slammed and locked door and more than two hours of dead silence, during which Harry now knew he had been drowning himself in bottle after bottle of hard liquor.

If it wasn't for the alcohol, Remus wouldn't lay a hand on him. And Harry doubted Remus would ever allow himself to get quite so drunk again, when he sobered up and realized what he had almost done.

Even if they stopped now, Remus would wake up the next morning with a ten-ton block of guilt on his chest.

At least this way some good would come out of it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus was gone.

Harry, pulling himself into a sitting position and wincing as any number of bruises and strained muscles made their presence known, looked around the empty room with a sinking feeling.

He had known Remus wouldn't take it well.

Somehow, he had envisioned being slapped awake and having to listen to several long and painful hours of enraged yelling. He had prepared himself, just before closing his eyes and letting exhaustion overtake him, to hear any number of really nasty things come out of Remus' mouth.

Maybe he should have known that wasn't Remus' style. Remus wouldn't blame Harry. Remus would blame himself.

And it looked like he was blaming himself somewhere other than Grimmauld Place.

The doorbell rang shrilly.

With a groan, Harry finally swung his feet off the couch, felt around on the floor for his robes, and started dressing. A quick look in the mirror showed that he looked only slightly better than he felt, but whoever was at the door seemed to be very insistent, so there was no time for a quick run to the bathroom.

The welcome mat, which had been charmed to reveal the name of the person standing on the other side of the door, told him that Hermione was pacing impatiently on the front steps.

"Hermione? What are --"

Harry didn't get to finish. As soon as he had opened the door a crack, Hermione shoved it open and walked in. "You IDIOT! How could you do that to Remus?"

Harry shut the door, which gave him a chance to have his back to her so he could squeeze his eyes shut in a proper cringe.

"Well?" Hermione demanded. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Harry shrugged halfheartedly. "I didn't get him drunk. He did that all on his own."

"And you took advantage of it!"

"It was for the greater good."

"Greater good? GREATER GOOD? Have you gone completely MAD?"

"I think you're overreacting."

Hermione looked like she was barely holding back from hexing him.

"We tried all the other ways," Harry said, grudgingly accepting that she wasn't going to stand down until she got an explanation. "We tried adoption, surrogacy, and you wouldn't believe how many other options. It just wasn't going to work. Remus wants a baby, and so do I. He was giving up, and I couldn't let that happen."

Hermione frowned, her murderous glare turning into one of suspicion. "What do you mean you want a baby?"

"I've decided I wouldn't mind having a family like this. Remus practically is family, you know. If we have a baby together, it will be official."

Hermione looked incredulous. "You have gone mad, haven't you? Harry. Remus doesn't want to have a baby with someone! You've managed to twist this into something you want for yourself!"

Harry frowned. "He said he wouldn't mind co-parenting with someone. I heard him."

"Yes -- as a last resort! You --" Hermione shook her head, cutting herself off. "You aren't already pregnant, are you?"

"I don't know," Harry said. "I suppose it depends on how good Snape's potion was."

Hermione covered her face with her hands and moaned.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The potion, of course, was very good. Snape may have warned that two or more doses were typically required, along with insemination within a proper period after ingestion, but everyone who knew Snape knew that his potions never failed to work the first time.

Hermione had left, but not before confirming that he was pregnant. Harry hadn't managed to pry a promise of silence out of her, so he was fairly sure Remus would hear of the pregnancy by the end of the day.

Now that the deed was done and he was examining things in a more balanced light, he began to see how Hermione could be right.

Had he completely misunderstood Remus?

And just when exactly had he first realized that he wanted a baby with Remus, instead of merely to help Remus have a baby?

Harry didn't think he was a selfish person. He had sacrificed a large chunk of his life for the greater good of wizard society. He had put himself in danger to prevent the deaths of people he didn't even know and probably never would know. He had sacrificed or put on hold his own needs and desires. He had protected his friends before thinking of himself.

He wasn't selfish.

But Hermione thought he was.

What if Remus thought so too? What if he didn't see Harry's actions the way they had been intended?

These thoughts spoiled Harry's morning entirely.

He took a bath, but somehow felt soiled even after scrubbing away every trace of the previous night's activities.

What if Remus never forgave him? Harry really didn't want to think about that possibility.

There were a lot of things he didn't want to think about, actually, which was why his morning was very harrowing.

Snape had given him a book explaining the process of conception and the creation of a temporary womb, the process of labor, and the birth itself, all in an extremely graphic manner. Illustrated in full color.

After flipping through the first few pages, Harry had tossed the book under the coffee table. Now he picked it up and began reading in earnest.

It had been all very well to say he would carry a baby, when all he had known about it was that it was possible with the proper potions.

Now that he knew exactly what was involved, a very creepy feeling came upon him. He imagined he could feel extra organs growing. It was very disconcerting.

Of course, it was probably just his imagination. If conception had taken place overnight, then all the changes had already happened. His mind was probably just playing tricks on him.

Probably.

But that didn't make him feel particularly better, and by the time he had eaten a very lonely lunch, he thought another minute in the empty house would make him explode.

He left a note saying he would be in Diagon Alley, just in case Remus or someone else from the Order happened to come by.

Diagon Alley was crowded and noisy, and seemed like exactly the sort of place to go when one wanted to feel less alone and to forget one's troubles.

The only problem was that he kept seeing babies in prams and baby things on sale in shop windows.

Remus had taken him into the Bouncing Baby Boutique once. They had looked over tiny booties and bonnets with ruffles, and debated whether a Quidditch mobile could really influence a baby's future playing ability like the advertisement promised.

This time, he passed the Boutique with his eyes averted.

Despite these reminders, being out of Grimmauld Place did make him forget some of the things that were bothering him, and he wandered around until sunset.

He had to go home sooner or later, of course, whether he wanted to or not. Remus would probably be there by now. The sooner they had their row, the sooner Harry could start trying to make amends.

He Apparated back to the house.

"Remus?"

His voice echoed dully.

He didn't need to look at the map tacked onto the wall next to the front door to know that he was the only person in the house.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three days later, Remus still hadn't returned, and Harry's efforts to find him had turned up no trace.

"Do you know where he is or not? This isn't some sort of game."

Hermione shook her head, pursing her lips. "I told you, I don't. I haven't seen him since that day."

Harry looked at her suspiciously, but there was nothing in her expression to suggest she was lying.

"He knows about the pregnancy, right?"

Hermione sighed. "I don't know. I didn't get a chance to him. He was gone by the time I returned to the Burrow. I don't know who else could have told him." She paused, frowning. "Who else knows about it?"

Harry thought for a moment.

He hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy. Remus had told Hermione, of course, which meant he at least suspected it, and there was no knowing now many other people he might have told, but Hermione swore she hadn't told anyone else. Not even Ron, since that would be the same as telling the entire Weasley family. Assuming Remus did not tell anyone else, that left only...

"Snape."

"Of course. He's the one who gave you the potion."

"Maybe Remus went to see him."

"Then Snape might know where he is," Hermione said. "It's close to the full moon. Remus has to get the Wolfsbane."

"Unless he plans to forgo taking it, come back here, and rip me to shreds."

Hermione sniffed. "I wouldn't blame him, honestly."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harry had planned to make the trip to Hogwarts the next morning, but several things came up that changed his plans.

First, he received a summons from the Department of Justice to appear at a Death Eater trial as a material witness.

He spent the first half of the morning testifying, the second half yawning through the closing arguments, and the better part of the afternoon trying to avoid reporters while he waited for a Floo to become available or for the Apparition restriction to be lifted once the prisoners were secured in their cells.

The whole thing left him exhausted. Maybe he was just using that as an excuse, but he decided not to see Snape that day.

He had every intention of going to next morning. The day dawned bright and sunny, and before Harry got out of bed he was actually looking forward to the familiar walk from Hogsmeade to the castle.

When he did get up, however, he instantly felt the contents of his stomach rise into his throat. He barely made it into the bathroom in time.

By the time he got out, the last thing he felt like doing was walking anywhere. Just the few steps back to the bed were almost too much.

He had read that a wizard's pregnancy could be worse than anything experienced by pregnant witches, but he hadn't expected to suffer like this.

Especially not in an empty house, where there wasn't even anyone to get him a glass of water when he wanted one.

Harry lay in bed, scowling at the ceiling, for the remainder of the day.

He had plenty of time to think, and to come to some fairly ugly conclusions.

If Remus didn't come around by the time the full moon passed, then Harry would assume Hermione was right, and Remus didn't want to go ahead with this pregnancy.

If that was the case, then there was no reason for Harry to do it. He wasn't going to suffer through a difficult pregnancy alone, or face the media frenzy alone, or raise a child alone. Maybe Remus could look at single parenthood and see something worth pursuing on purpose, but it certainly was not for Harry.

If Remus didn't appreciate what Harry was willing to do for him, then there were much better uses of Harry's time.

He could look for another job. Maybe take Oliver up on his offer to join Puddlemere United as a reserve seeker. That would give him a chance to do some traveling, spend time with an old friend, and do something he loved but hadn't had a chance to enjoy in a long time.

So that's what he would do. He couldn't go to Hogwarts the next day or the day after that, because the moon would be full and there was no point in seeking Remus out until it passed, but if Remus still hadn't shown up after being given sufficient time -- say one day -- to recover from any injuries, then Harry was going to see Snape.

He didn't say, even to himself, what he was going to see Snape about. He had three days in front of him, and he preferred to pretend he was still going to go through with his plan of asking Snape if he'd seen Remus, tracking Remus down, and fixing the mess his good intentions had created.

Three days.

Remus had better be knocking down the door of Grimmauld Place by then.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"What do you want now, Potter?" Snape asked, not raising his eyes from a thick potions catalogue.

Harry took a few more steps into the rooms, and closed the door for privacy. "Have you seen Remus?"

"No."

Harry gritted his teeth and forced his voice to sound civil. "Are you sure? He must have come here to pick up the Wolfsbane Potion."

Snape set aside the catalogue, giving him a withering look. "Three days ago. I assume you are not interested in three-day old information?"

Harry shook his head. "No... Do you know where I can reach him?"

"I think, Potter, that it's safe to assume Lupin does not wish to be reached. And, no, I have no knowledge of his present whereabouts."

"Did he say anything to you?"

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Such as?"

"About the pregnancy."

"He may have mentioned blaming me for my part in it."

Harry sighed. It was time. Remus had missed his chance. Now Harry had to think of himself.

"I... I need another potion."

Snape looked at him, his face showing no emotion and no sign of comprehension. Harry realized the man was going to make him say it.

"I want to abort."

Snape pushed his chair away from the desk with a long scraping sound. He stood up, walking around the desk slowly. "People as fickle as yourself, Potter, should not make decisions that affect the lives of others." But he continued toward the door that led to his laboratory. "This will be the last time I assist you. I do not want to see you here again."

Harry nodded. "I understand."

"Wait here. The potion takes some time to prepare."

Snape disappeared into the other room, closing the door behind him.

Harry collapsed into one of the hard, uncomfortable chairs Snape reserved for errant students.

How had it come to this?

Snape was right. Harry's idiotic mistake had far-reaching consequences.

Not only had he ruined the friendship between himself and one of the people closest to him, but now he was going to end an innocent life.

He was a monster.

But what else could he do? He couldn't continue the pregnancy. Remus didn't want it, and to have the baby would mean forcing him into fatherhood against his will. Harry had no right to do that. Even if he did want to raise the baby, which he had already admitted he wanted to do, only not all by himself, he had to think of Remus. He had already hurt the man enough.

He dropped his head into his hands miserably.

What else could he do?

"Harry?"

Harry looked up, not even thinking of wiping his eyes first. "Remus? What are you doing here?"

"Snape... told me what you're going to do."

"He called you?" Harry said, frowning in confusion. "Why?"

"Because, Potter," said Snape, who had appeared behind Remus in the doorway, "I refuse to be a willing participant in whatever little game you think you're playing. Contrary to what you may believe, you do not have the power over life and death."

"I have the right to an abortion," Harry said, forgetting Remus for a moment.

"It is obvious that you have done no research on this matter. You have no such right. The child's other parent may speak for it. If there is a dispute, the basic right to life overrules the right of the one seeking to take it away. You may look it up, if you wish. The Hogwarts library has a fine collection on wizard law."

Harry glared at him. Then, he turned to Remus. "You don't want this baby, and I'm not going to raise it by myself. I want --"

"I want it."

Harry stared at him. "What did you say?"

"I said I want it. Despite how it came to be. I shouldn't have run away. I was disgusted with myself... and with you... but I still shouldn't have left."

"Then..." Harry swallowed convulsively before he could continue. "Will you come back?"

"Yes. That is, if you want to continue the pregnancy."

"Of course I want to continue it," Harry said, ignoring Snape rolling his eyes in disgust. "I didn't want to terminate it. I didn't know what else to do."

Remus opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a snort from Snape.

"Would the two of you mind continuing this undoubtedly very touching conversation elsewhere? Unlike some people, I have work to do."

"Of course, Severus," Remus said. "Thank you for your time."

Harry allowed himself to be led out of the Snape's office. Even Snape's nasty personality couldn't get to him just then.

"Lets go home, Harry. I think we have a lot to talk about."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harry watched Remus move about the kitchen, preparing dinner.

They hadn't said a single word about the pregnancy since leaving Hogwarts.

In fact, they hadn't said much of anything.

"I'm sorry."

Remus froze.

"I really am," Harry repeated. "It was a horrible thing to do."

"Well," Remus said after a long silence, "I suppose what's done is done. It was as much my fault. More, maybe."

Harry accepted the cup of tea Remus offered him. They lapsed into silence again. Remus was stirring soup, and Harry sipped his tea as slowly as he could so he would have something to occupy his hands.

"I was at the Burrow this morning. Hermione tells me you want to raise the baby." Remus still had his back to Harry, but Harry didn't need to see his face to know it upset Remus to say that.

"Hermione is wrong. This is your baby. I only told her you were practically family to me, and it wouldn't be different with the baby."

Remus said nothing.

"Look," Harry said, "it isn't like I'm saying I want to raise it. I'll just be a... an uncle or something. We're friends -- or at least I hope we're still friends -- so of course I assumed I'd be around."

Remus still didn't say anything, and Harry started to feel even more nervous.

"I thought this was the perfect way to solve the problem. I know I was wrong and I made a mess of things, but we still get to avoid tangling with the Ministry, and you get your baby."

"My baby," Remus repeated, his tone pained. "Except you, as you say, plan to be around."

Harry, feeling as though he had been slapped, stared at Remus, who had stopped stirring the contents of the large pot but still had his back to him. "You... uh... don't want me around? At all?"

Remus turned slowly to face him. "Actually, I had planned to leave Britain. With the child. The Ministry would never leave me to parent in peace, if I stayed." He put down the ladle, shrugging. "But that is impossible now, so lets not discuss it."

"No," Harry said, his voice straining past the giant lump in his throat. "No, you're right, Remus. I wanted to give you a baby, and then, just like Hermione said, I twisted everything around. It's not right." He took a deep breath. "Once I have the baby, it's yours. You can take it anywhere you want."

Remus sniffed irritably, shaking his head. "Don't be ridiculous. I don't expect you to give up the child you will be carrying inside you for nine months."

Involuntarily, Harry's hand came up to rest on his stomach. The thought of spending nine months carrying a baby, only to give it away after it was born, was not a pleasant one. There wasn't even a baby yet, really, if he understood the process correctly. Just a small mass of cells. Or maybe by now it resembled a tadpole. He wasn't sure. But it was ridiculous to feel so strongly about something that was barely there.

Remus went on stirring the soup, and Harry stayed silent, feeling guilty for his weakness.

Why hadn't he known he wouldn't be able to carry a baby for Remus without becoming attached to it himself? What had possessed him to assume Remus would accept him into the family?

"Harry?"

Harry looked up, realizing suddenly that he had been staring at the table top without seeing anything in front of him, including Remus, who was holding out a steaming bowl.

"Thanks."

Remus nodded, pulling up a chair. "We really should talk, Harry. It's of no use to anyone to argue any more about whether or not you should have done what you did. It is done, and we have to deal with the consequences as best as we can. The most important thing to remember is that this baby is very much wanted. I've waited the better part of my life to become a father, most of the time not truly believing it would ever be possible."

"But this isn't how you would have chosen to become one," Harry said flatly.

"It's done. I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about it."

"Can't help it," Harry said, shrugging. "I just can't believe I..." He stopped, sighing miserably.

"That you what?"

Harry sighed again. "Assumed we would raise the kid together. I suppose it must have been back when we were trying to adopt. You said it yourself once, I think. Since you couldn't adopt, I would have been the legal parent. You said it meant we would have to cooperate in making almost every decision. I must have jumped to the wrong conclusion then, without realizing it. I thought you meant I would have to stay close. I started thinking about teaching the kid to play Quidditch, or taking it to Diagon Alley... taking care of it during the full moon..."

"Can you see how signing a few legal forms over the years and babysitting a few days a month might be different from having a biological child together?"

Harry pursed his lips stubbornly. "People have babies together who don't even like each other. It can't be harder for us."

Remus shook his head and didn't answer.

"I wanted a family. I admit it," Harry said, pushing away his untouched plate. "I didn't think you wouldn't want me to be a part of it. I can only say I'm sorry so many times!"

"Then don't. You made a mistake. I forgive you."

Harry didn't believe him. "If you don't think this can work, why didn't you let me abort it?"

Remus averted his eyes, shrugging. "Maybe because I know this is my one chance. And I do believe it can work. Like you said, we won't be the first two people to raise a child together like this."

Harry didn't answer. He had never felt so terrible in his life.

This should have been the happiest time of Remus' life. Instead, Harry had turned it into yet another disappointment.

No matter what Remus said, Harry would never be able to forget that if he could go back in time and change things, Remus would never have allowed the baby Harry was carrying to be conceived.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You don't have to do that. You're tired yourself."

"Don't be silly. I want to. Now lie back."

Harry lay back and allowed Remus to massage his swollen feet.

It was days like this that he wished he'd done more research into wizard pregnancy. That could have easily saved him from making his terrible mistake.

"That's nice," he said, closing his eyes. "Thank you."

"Least I can do."

That was a lie, of course, and Harry knew it. Remus was doing things for him that Harry shouldn't have expected from him under the circumstances. And he never complained. He hadn't said another word condemning Harry's actions since the day he had moved back into Grimmauld Place.

"Tonks is coming by later," Remus said, breaking into Harry's thoughts. "Do you think she's getting a bit obsessed?"

"Just excited about a new baby, I think. There haven't been very many births lately, have there?"

"Not since Ron and Hermione's pair."

"She's expecting again."

Remus chuckled. "Poor girl. I don't think she realized what she was getting into when she married a Weasley."

"She doesn't seem to mind."

Remus didn't say anything, but Harry knew what he was thinking. Neither one of them had said it, but they didn't need to. They both thought it often enough.

Why wouldn't Hermione be happy about a new baby? No newspaper was going to print a headline like 'Potter's bastard child due in December' about her family.

Remus had warned him it would only get worse. Wait until they put two and two together and realize who the other father was, he'd said as he threw the newspaper into the fire.

Sooner or later, Harry knew the world would find out. He couldn't hide forever. He hadn't left Grimmauld Place since the pregnancy first made headline news. Pomfrey visited regularly, and Order members came and went as usual. Gradually, the number of people trusted with private information was growing.

There was no word on who had sold him out to the Prophet. Harry and Remus never spoke of it, because even speculating about it led down a painful path. For the first time, Harry understood how his parents must have felt, not knowing which one of their closest friends was capable of betraying them.

Of course, the media would have got hold of the story sooner or later, just as they would find out about Remus. There was nothing Harry could do but wait to see the headlines.

"Would you like some tea?"

Harry shook his head. "I think I'll just read for a while."

Remus brought the book Harry pointed out, then paused, looking down at him. "Are you feeling all right?"

Harry couldn't help it. He sighed heavily. "I'm fine. Really."

"No you're not," Remus said, sitting down on the edge of the couch where Harry lay. "What is it? Did that stupid cow's latest diatribe upset you?"

"No."

"I tried to warn you, Harry. You just didn't know what you would be in for. I'm sorry."

"I knew how vicious it would be. It isn't that." Harry sighed again. "It's just that she got so many things right. I never realized how much prejudice there still is against unwed pregnancy until I saw it in my own friends' eyes."

"Not everyone, Harry. Just a few old-fashioned folks who are out of touch with the real world."

"Somehow I thought people would be happy for us."

"You forget. They may accept me as a friend, but most people still have prejudice against werewolves. It's only natural, in the society we live in. It's the reason so many laws get passed without opposition. Society doesn't change its values overnight. It may be harder now than two decades ago to argue that werewolves don't deserve to live, but very few people would stand up and argue for our right to procreate." Remus brushed a stray strand of hair from Harry's forehead, and stood up. "Look, don't fret about it. I'm used to it, and there isn't anything we can do anyway. Let me get you a cup of tea. You shouldn't get so worked up."

Harry watched him go.

How could he help but be upset? For the first time, he was understanding the full weight of what Remus had tried to warn him about. His child, once it was know she had a werewolf for a father, would experience this kind of prejudice. It filled him with the kind of anger and hatred he hadn't felt since the night he'd faced Voldemort.

He lay a hand on his stomach, feeling the baby kick against the pressure of his fingers.

She was real now. She wasn't just a nameless, genderless entity. She was his daughter, and in just a few weeks she would be born into a world Harry was now able to see for what it was.

He looked up, realizing suddenly that he was being watched.

Remus had stopped in the doorway.

"You wouldn't have done it, would you have, Harry, if you had known then what you know now?"

Harry stared at him, and tried to swallow past the terrible lump that had lodged in his throat... and was unable to say a single word.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harry grew increasingly worried as the days wore on. Pomfrey had forced him on strict bedrest to prevent the baby from being born over the full moon.

Tonks, who was staying with him until Remus returned, was starting to grate on his nerves with her unwavering enthusiasm.

But that was the case with almost everything these days. Pomfrey's fussing, the Weasleys' absence, Hermione's apologies, the undisguised stares he got from almost everyone...

The more he thought about it, the more convinced he became that it wasn't going to work out.

By the time Remus returned, Harry had reason to be certain of it.

"You were right," he said before Remus could even take off his heavy winter cloak. "The baby can't be raised in Britain."

Remus was silent. Harry watched him pull off his boots, shake snow out of his hair, and hang up his wet gloves by the fireplace.

"I want you to take the baby. You must have had a place in mind, since it was your original plan. Just take her and go."

Remus shook his head slowly, but said nothing.

"You must do it! I realize it now, and I'm willing to let her go."

"They would just track us down. Besides, what would I do with her over the full moon? You pointed that out yourself. I hadn't fully considered all the details."

Harry bit his lip. "I could go with you. We can leave together."

Remus laughed mirthlessly. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Why not?" Harry demanded.

"Can you see yourself living in some decrepit shack in the woods for the next ten or more years?"

"I wouldn't mind! I spent longer than that living in a cupboard with barely room enough to stand up straight!"

"And your friends?"

Harry sniffed disgustedly. "What friends? Do you see any friends around here? Neville and Tonks are the only one who've visited in the last four months. Everyone else avoids me like I've got the plague when they have to show up for meetings."

Remus pulled up a chair, sat down heavily, and leaned forward, frowning. "You don't know what you're saying, Harry. You would have to leave everything behind. Hogwarts. Diagon Alley. This house. You might not see them again for years."

"Maybe not," Harry said, pulling himself up into a sitting position. Now that Remus was considering his idea, he was ready to argue for it. "I've been thinking. What if we get a place, somewhere far away enough that no one would think of looking for us there, and then put it under the Fidelius? We could have one Floo, possibly here at Grimmauld Place, connected to the one there. We could come and go as we please. The wards on this place would keep anyone from tracing us."

"The best of both worlds?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're forgetting the reporters will not be easily deterred. If you were to show up in Diagon Alley, or --"

"So? Let them say and do whatever they want to. I'm used to being mobbed everywhere I go."

Remus shook his head again. "It's too complicated. She would have to start school sometime. One or both of us would have to work..."

"Are you forgetting I have a fortune in gold?"

"Considerably smaller now than it used to be."

"Still enough for three people to live on for many years. Maybe eleven years from now things will be different."

Remus' expression darkened. "I wouldn't count on that, Harry. If there's anything I've learned, it's that things don't tend to change all that much, no matter how much we want them to. No, running away is not the answer. You have a life here, and you must put it back together somehow. The last thing you need is for some idiot reporter to claim we're lovers."

Harry sighed. He had wanted to put off telling Remus, but it looked like this was the best time, before Pomfrey arrived to check on him. "It's too late," he said, bringing out the morning paper. "Look."

Remus took the paper from him, glancing at the front page quickly. He looked ill.

"It was inevitable, really," Harry said. "You can't blame them for jumping to the most sensationalist conclusion. It's what they do. Especially when it comes to me."

Remus crumpled the paper up into a tight ball. It sailed in a perfect arch to land in the fireplace. "So. The world thinks I'm screwing The Boy Who Lived. Well, they're not that far from the truth, are they?"

Harry swallowed. He hated Remus' tone, and the look in his eyes that hadn't been there since the last time, months ago, that they had discussed that night. "Remus, I..."

"No," Remus interrupted. "Forget it. I shouldn't have said that."

"That's not what I was going to say," Harry said, wincing as another wave of pain hit. "I think I'm having the baby now."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"She's beautiful."

Harry was too tired to open his eyes. He just nodded in agreement, content to take Remus' word for it.

Pomfrey was still fussing over him. "Rest now, Mr Potter. You've had a worse time of it than I expected."

Harry barely heard her.

When he woke up, all he could hear was silence. The room was empty.

For one panicked moment, Harry considered the possibility that Remus had taken the baby away, just as Harry had suggested he should do, earlier.

He started to get out of bed, but at that moment the door opened, and Remus stuck his head in. "Awake now? Ready to see your daughter?"

"Our daughter," Harry corrected, slumping gratefully back onto the bed. "Yes, I want to see her."

Remus disappeared, returning a few minutes later with a pink bundle in his arms.

"She's so tiny," Harry murmured, tugging back the blanket to get a look at the sleeping infant.

"You were even smaller when you were born, if you can imagine that," Remus said, placing the precious bundle into Harry's arms.

"She's beautiful," Harry said, barely having heard anything Remus said.

The baby's eyes opened, followed by her mouth. A shrill wail erupted, much more forceful and loud than anything Harry would have expected from something so small and fragile looking.

"She's hungry, I think," Remus said, producing a bottle from one of his pockets. "Why don't you feed her?"

Harry cradled the baby, watching as she began to drink hungrily.

Remus, too, was watching, and for a long time they stayed in silence.

"Remus?" Harry said softly. "We have to go. We can't stay here, with her."

Remus said nothing.

"Or..." Harry swallowed hard. "Or you can take her, if you'd rather."

"You know that's not going to happen," Remus said. "I'm not taking her away from you. No one should have to pay for any mistake like that."

Harry looked up, feeling an inexplicable pang of anger. He hugged the baby closer. "She wasn't a mistake! If I could go back now, I would still sleep with you! You know what? I'm not sorry anymore. Not one bit!"

The baby began to fuss, spitting out the nipple. There was no other sound in the room for a long time.

Remus cleared his throat. "Well. I didn't mean to suggest the baby was a mistake, Harry." He sighed. "Look, I don't think you're thinking straight --"

"I am," Harry interrupted. "I know exactly what I'm saying. I think you have a very wrong impression of the kind of life I have here. It's not like I'd be leaving behind a perfectly good life. I've been practically a prisoner at Grimmauld Place since leaving Hogwarts. The one time I took a job... you know what happened. I don't care if I leave it all behind. Maybe some peace and quiet is exactly what I need."

"You can't just leave --"

"Why, because the savior of the world should always be available for autographs and interviews?"

Remus' lips thinned. "Because it sounds like you've given up on leading a normal life. You still can. Not like me. I've accepted that it's always going to be like this for me, but you have a real chance --"

"You really don't know what you're talking about," Harry said scornfully. "The closest I came to normal was when I was dating Longbottom. And you know how that ended. Just like it started. On the front page of every newspaper in Britain!"

Remus shook his head. "You're a celebrity, Harry. You just have to accept a certain degree of --"

"No! I didn't choose this, and I won't accept it! It's not the life I want! I want out. That's all. Out."

"Harry, just --"

This time, it was not Harry who interrupted him, but an insistent scratching at the window. Remus opened it to let in the owl.

"It's the paper," Harry said, frowning. "But the morning paper came already."

Remus was staring at the front page, and didn't answer him.

"Remus? What is it?"

Slowly, Remus turned the paper toward Harry. "Special edition. Hot off the press."

Harry stared. The headline seemed to pop off the screen, the usual monochrome type replaced by a dizzying combination of black and red.

'BOY-WHO-LIVED WEDS WEREWOLF, GIVES BIRTH TO...'

Harry stopped reading, tearing his eyes forcefully from the ugly words. He looked up at Remus. "So. How long will it take you to pack?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harry sat down on a somewhat rickety chair, hugging the sleeping baby to his chest and watching as Remus dragged in the last of their trunks.

"McGonagall may have overstated the worth of this place."

Remus grunted, still struggling with the heavy trunk. "I warned you this would not resemble a luxury hotel."

"I wasn't expecting one. Just something with more than a two chairs and a broken table for furniture."

"We're lucky to have this place on such short notice. Unplottable, not connected to any wizard network, and not registered as a wizard residence... It's going to save us time and at least a thousand galleons."

Harry looked around again, sighing a little. There hadn't been time to purchase anything. They would have to make do with what they could bring from Grimmauld Place. Most of those things weren't in good condition to begin with, and he guessed the trip through the Floo wouldn't do them much good. "It'll be fine," he said, trying to sound like he believed it. "When we get rid of those dead flowers over there, the place will look much better."

Remus looked to where Harry was pointing. "Those aren't dead flowers. They're weeds. Growing right through the floor and through the cracks in the counter."

Harry choked back shocked laughter, not wanting to wake the baby. "You're joking?"

Remus shook his head. "I think we're the first ones to enter this place in about fifty years."

"But that's good. Probably everyone who's ever known about it has forgotten about this place."

"Probably."

"It probably won't be so bad once it's clean and aired a bit."

"I've lived in worse."

"So have I."

Remus set the trunk on the floor and sat down on top of it. "You can still go back. They don't have any evidence to back up their ridiculous claims. You can bring libel charges. Maybe shut them up for a while."

"I'm not going anywhere. And they do have evidence, thanks to the Weasleys."

"What?"

"Mrs Weasley took out a marriage license in my name. I forgot all about it, because she did it right after I announced my pregnancy. I think she was hoping it would prompt me to get married. You know how she was. Couldn't accept that I got pregnant on purpose. I told her to get rid of the damn thing, and that's the last I heard about it."

"How did they connect it to me?"

"Dumb luck?"

Remus frowned.

"Maybe they traced the newspaper ad. I did pay for it from my own account. Or maybe they finally figured out 'James Evans' doesn't exist. It doesn't matter. It's not like we can do anything about it now."

Remus nodded, sighing. "I can't believe I got you into this, Harry."

"Into what?"

"This," Remus said, waving his hand the indicate the room. "I got you pregnant. I got you practically exiled from the wizard world. The reporters will never leave you alone. And now, on top of everything, people think we've married illegally."

"I got myself pregnant, as far as blame for that goes. And I chose to leave. Besides that, they would have found something to hound me about with or without you. I don't mind if people think we're married. Let them think whatever they want."

Remus frowned again. "Look, Harry..."

"I know, I know," Harry interrupted, rolling his eyes. "Just thinking about being married to me is farther than you're willing to go."

"I just don't want you to get the wrong idea. Or get your hopes up. There can never be anything between us."

Harry smiled weakly, though his face felt stiff. "I get it, all right?"

Remus nodded. He looked around, as if searching for something to do.

Harry followed his gaze to the fireplace. There was mold growing on the grate. "Think you can set up the Floo?"

Remus crouched down and used a rusty poker to prod the moldy logs. "Not tonight, I think. This is going to need more than just a few scouring charms. I think it's more important to get you and the baby settled now." He stood up, brushing the soot off his robes. "Lets see what the rest of the house looks like, shall we?"

Harry followed Remus as they made a short tour of the house.

"One bedroom," Harry commented, stopping behind Remus in the doorway of a tiny room containing a rusty metal bed frame and the rotting remains of a mattress. "And not even a whole bed. Almost makes me miss my old cupboard."

He meant it as a joke, but was instantly sorry he said anything. Remus didn't look amused.

"I was joking."

Remus said nothing. With a wave of his wand, one of the trunks skidded into the room, the lid flying open. Harry watched as Remus first banished the rotting furniture from the room, then set up a narrow trundle bed, which folded out from a box no larger than Harry's broom servicing kit.

"You'll sleep here. We brought the bassinet, of course. I think it's in one of the other trunks."

Harry sat down on the bed, testing it out. "Great. What about you?"

"I'll set up another bed in the front room."

Harry frowned. "That doesn't sound right at all. Look, we're going to be here a long time. You can't sleep in the front room. So what if there's just one bedroom? The house is so small, we can't expect much privacy anyway."

Remus looked uncertain.

"Come on," Harry coaxed. "Besides, it will make it easier for us to take turns getting up at night."

Finally, Remus sighed and nodded. "Fine. For now, I suppose it's the best course of action."

Harry smiled. "See? It will all work out if we compromise a little."

Remus didn't smile back. He was kneeling in front of the trunk, rummaging inside.

"Well," Harry said after the silence had stretched uncomfortably, "I think I'll go look for that bassinet."

Remus didn't respond. He didn't even lift his head.

Harry went back to the front room.

The bassinet was in the first trunk he checked, along with all the blankets, bottles, and the bulging box containing the baby clothes that had been amassed between Tonks' overzealousness, Hermione's guilt, and Harry's own use of mail order catalogues.

"There you are," he said softly to the still sleeping baby, lowering her into the bassinet.

He hadn't realized how tired his arms were from carrying her around all day until he put her down.

Remus was still in the bedroom. Harry could hear him setting up the second bed, then a long creak, followed by a light draft rippling down the narrow hallway, making the loose strips of wallpaper wave. Remus must have opened a window.

Well. It wasn't so bad, in all.

Harry sighed.

It was horrible, as far as houses went. Even Grimmauld Place, as dark and gloomy and filled with bad memories as it was, was not falling apart like this place threatened to do any minute.

Still... It was away from all the unpleasant things that he wasn't keen on dealing with. And Remus was here.

The baby was here, too.

Harry smiled, shaking his head a little.

His little family. Hadn't this been his goal all along? To be a family with Remus and a baby?

It looked like he'd got his wish. How much more like a family could they be than this? Alone, just the three of them, in their own little place. It could be a decade or more before the real world would intrude again.

He looked down at the baby. In her sleep, her lips were moving in a weak imitation of suckling.

She still needed a name...

"Harry?"

Harry looked up, forcing another, less genuine, smile. "Finished?"

Remus nodded. "I thought I would tackle the kitchen. Right now we can't even make a proper cup of tea."

"Need some help?" Harry asked, rising.

Remus didn't answer him, but did nothing to stop Harry from following him through the kitchen doorway.

"Bit of a mess in here," Harry commented, looking at the grimy counters and the rusty sink. "Do you think there's water, even?"

"If not, I saw a well and pump in the yard."

Harry turned the faucet. With a tremor and rumble worthy of a volcanic eruption, reddish slime began to drip out. "Disgusting."

"Leave it on," Remus said, just as Harry started to turn the faucet back. "Let it run a while. If the pressure's good, the water will run clean eventually."

Harry looked doubtfully at the glob of red gunk collecting in the sink.

"I'll see if I can open the windows," Remus said, moving away from Harry's side. "Why don't you see what shape the cupboards are in?"

For a while, the only sound was the creaking of the window panes as Remus struggled with them, and the opening and shutting of cupboard and cabinet doors.

"I found a recipe book that has the year 1811 on the cover," Harry said, wanting to fill the silence. Remus' uncommunicativeness was starting to worry him.

"I'm not surprised," Remus said, his voice oddly muffled and distant.

Curious, Harry stepped out of the cupboard he had been investigating.

Remus was nowhere in sight.

"Remus? Where'd you go?"

"In here," Remus' voice said from his right.

Harry turned in search of the sound, and saw that a narrow panel had been pushed back to reveal an opening. Beyond it was an even narrower staircase. "What did you find?"

"Looks like a root cellar," Remus said, appearing from the darkness. "Don't go down there. The stairs are rotting away."

"Anything interesting down there?"

Remus frowned slightly. "Just a small room. Dirt floor, dirt walls. Sturdy door at the bottom of the stairs. It will be good during the full moons."

Harry swallowed. He wasn't sure what to say.

"Is the baby still sleeping?"

Harry nodded, relieved that Remus had changed the subject. "She is. You know, we really need to name her. We can't go on calling her 'the baby' much longer."

"Hmm. You're right, of course."

"Do you have any ideas?" Harry pressed. "You should be the one to name her, really."

"Beulah."

Harry couldn't help wrinkling his nose. "Er... I like it."

Remus raised an eyebrow, looking mildly amused. "Really?"

"No. Not really. Is that what you want to name her?"

"I was demonstrating the pitfalls of leaving the job to me."

"Oh."

"If we intend to raise her together, we may as well start by naming her together."

Something tightened inside Harry's chest, and he swallowed again.

He was still trying to think of a response when a shrill cry came from the other room.

"She's awake. It couldn't last, I suppose," Harry said, turning to go. "I'll get her."

Remus didn't come after him.

Feeding the baby, Harry listened to the sounds from the kitchen. Remus was opening and shutting cabinets again. The water was turned off, with more loud rumbling from the ancient pipes.

A glance at the window told him it was getting dark. He wondered if he would be able to find his nightclothes and toothbrush, or if he would have to search through all of the trunks. Packing neatly had never been his strongpoint.

"Remus?" he called as loudly as he dared without alarming the baby.

Remus appeared in the doorway, holding a steaming tea pot. It looked antique, and Harry figured Remus had found it in the kitchen. "Yes?"

"It's getting late, isn't it?"

"It only seems that way. No lights but the sun and the moon and whatever fire or candlelight we use here. It's only half past seven."

Harry looked toward the window again. He could see a strip of orange sky above the tall trees, and the pale, almost translucent moon -- only a week past full -- rising between them.

"We can name her Luna," he said suddenly. "Do you remember Luna?"

"Of course," Remus said.

"I wasn't sure. I hadn't known her when you taught at Hogwarts the first time, and she was gone by the time you came back to teach again."

"Neville talked about her."

Harry smiled sadly. "I suppose he would have. They were close."

Remus was quiet for a moment. Then he sighed, looking down at the baby in Harry's arms. "Somehow, it doesn't seem appropriate."

"Hmm?"

"The name. I've made peace with the part the moon's cycles play in my life, but she should not be burdened with reminders of my affliction."

"Soleil."

Remus looked up, meeting his eyes. He frowned in confusion.

"The sun," Harry explained. "I saw it on one of Hermione's lists, back when she was so sure she was having a girl."

Remus looked down at the baby again. After a few moments he nodded. "Soleil."

"She's asleep again," Harry said, gently lowering the baby back into the bassinet. "Are we lucky or what? Those terrors Hermione popped out didn't let her get a moment's rest when they were newborns. Or so she claimed."

"You miss her."

"Hermione?" Harry asked, unnecessarily. The lump was back in his throat. "I suppose, a little. I thought she would at least write to say goodbye, before we left."

"Don't be too hard on her," Remus said, squeezing his shoulder gently. "It's hard for her and Ron, living under Arthur and Molly's roof. They did try to show their support. What can she do, really? She has two toddlers, she's pregnant, she's in the house all day while Ron's at work..."

"Under Mrs Weasley's thumb," Harry said glumly. "Don't I know it."

"They'll strike out on their own one day. The war set all of us off kilter. Look at us, if you need proof of that."

Harry forced a weak smile. "I guess you're right. I couldn't expect to still be friends with them the same way we were in school. We grew up. We have our own lives to live." He paused, considering. "You know, I never expected to be where I am now. Everyone thought I'd be playing Quidditch or something. This is..." He stopped, shaking his head and smiling genuinely this time. "This is better. I'd given up on this so long ago it almost doesn't seem real now."

Remus made a noncommittal noise and looked away.

"I'm serious. Ever since I can remember, all I wanted was a family and a quiet life. I have all of that now."

Remus frowned. "Harry, I hope you aren't expecting us to... That is, there's no way --"

"I'm not," Harry said quickly, though something inside him ached as he did so. "Friends with a baby -- that's all I expect."

"Good," Remus said. "Because there can never be a repeat of that night. I don't want you to hope for it, dream of it, or --"

"Well," Harry said, quirking his eyebrow, "I might not be able to help dreaming it."

Remus turned to look at him, his frown even deeper.

"Sorry," Harry said, dropping his gaze. "Won't joke about it again."

There was a long silence.

Finally, Remus cleared his throat. "I think it would be best if we turned in now. We can't do much more tonight, and it's already been a long day. Tomorrow we'll tackle the kitchen and see if we can install better lighting."

"Sure. Sounds like a plan," Harry said, sighing a little.

"Good. The water in the kitchen is clean now. You better wash up there. The bathroom is off limits."

"What's wrong with it?" Harry asked, watching as Remus picked up the bassinet -- baby included -- and started for the bedroom.

"Bundimun infestation. I've put up wards to keep them from escaping and set several scouring charms to work continuously through the night."

Harry wrinkled his nose. "Great. Next we'll find a boggart under the bed, I bet."

Remus had already disappeared into the bedroom. His voice was slightly muffled. "No boggarts, I don't think. But stay out of the attic until I have a chance to look around up there."

"Great," Harry repeated, under his breath.

He sighed, looking around the shabby room once more.

Home.

Maybe it wasn't what he had always imagined for himself, but he could live without finery.

Remus didn't understand. Maybe his life had been so full of prejudice and limitations and poverty and loss that he wasn't able to see how someone else's life could be as lacking as his own. He didn't see that Harry's options were just as limited.

Where else was he going to find someone who would look past the scar on his forehead? In his life, there had been only a dozen or so people, at best, who took him as he was. And even among them, Dumbledore saw him as a weapon to be honed for the final battle against Voldemort, Sirius had confused him with James Potter, Snape had hated him for his celebrity, and even Neville, with whom Harry had been happy for a time, was prone to believing what the papers wrote. Luna and Ginny were dead, even if Harry had swung that way. Ron and Hermione had found happiness with each other, and apparently weren't even available to be his friends. There was simply no one else. Remus had always understood him, seen though his public image, stood by him though scandals -- both real and those invented by the press -- and ridicule, and helped him through times of grief. If Harry could have imagined the perfect partner for himself...

But it was no use. He had known Remus would never lower his defenses. Even if there was something there, if Remus' drunken confessions could be trusted, he would never admit it. Pressing the issue would only drive him away.

He had a home, away from reporters, false friends, and all the things that had made his life miserable for so long.

He had Remus, and a baby that belonged to both of them and was theirs to raise together for the next decade, at least.

He had always known he couldn't have it all. He would just accept the good that had come his way, and be satisfied with what he had.

"Are you going to sit there all night, Harry?" Remus' voice asked softly from behind.

"What?" Harry stood up, brushing away the ball of dust that clung to the hem of his robes. "No. I'm coming."

With effort, he cast aside any longing and regret that still remained. Happy with what he had; that was his new motto. For the baby's sake, if not his own. She deserved the kind of family he had never had, and Remus was willing to make it happen... just as long as Harry didn't ask for anything more.

Remus smiled. "Don't worry. The house may look dismal now, but you should have seen Grimmauld Place when we first opened it up. I almost cried."

"I'm not worried. I'm the one who said this would be fine, remember?" He pulled open the lid of one of the trunks and frowned down at the mess inside. "So. Where do you think I put my toothbrush?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE END