Many English teachers in Thailand do not have valid work permits or resident's visas. In theory this leaves them open to prosecution and even imprisonment. In practice this only happens if they overstay their visas for a long time or are caught without a passport. Generally speaking there isn't much of a problem except that they have to leave the country every three months either to renew their visas or get stamped out of, and back into the country.

If you want to make an extended tour of the country or study Thai for a period greater than your initial visa allows you will need to get a new visa and the only practical way to do it is to leave the country.

The visa to apply for is the non-immigrant double or triple entry. In the past it has been possible to get these visas by showing you are a student of Thai. Most language schools are prepared to offer Thai courses to foreigners.

You will need a letter for the Thai consulate or Embassy. The letter should be written in Thai on official company or school letterhead paper if possible. In addition to saying why your presence is desirable in Thailand it should also provide a testimonial to your character. This is often more important than any other part of the letter. A company or school stamp over the writer's signature adds oomph.

Availability of longer term visas depends very much on the mood of Consulate staff and directives they receive from Bangkok. You will find that the policy has changed every time you go. Sometimes it is extremely difficult to get a six month double entry visa but occasionally you can get a nine month triple-entry just by asking for it.

At the time of writing the Interior Ministry is considering raising visa fees by up to 400%. It may come to nothing but check it out first.

The visa renewal destination of choice for generations of visitors to Thailand is Georgetown on the island of Penang in North-West Malaysia. People have been going there so long for this purpose that serving this market has become a minor local industry. On Chulia street, a major thoroughfare, money changing booths, visa services, second-hand bookshops and cheap hotels abound.

Penang has an international airport. If money is no object and speed of the essence and cliches unrestrained take the plane by all means. At least you'll get a shot at the duty-free, which you don't get on the train. But then again, if money is no object why are you teaching English in Thailand?

Only fools and the hopelessly depressed take the bus. It is cheaper, but only because the speed-addled cretins who drive these doom machines are cheap to employ and easy to replace after their inevitable violent deaths.

By far the best way to get to Penang is by train. The overnight Bangkok-Butterworth train leaves Bangkok a little after 3 every afternoon. Return tickets cost about 1,700 Baht for an air- conditioned 2nd class berth and you need to buy them at least a week before departure to be sure of a place. In any case, reservations are not accepted less than a week before departure.

Hualamphong is not a good place to buy these tickets. The booking office is unpleasant, crowded and hot. Service is slow. Several travel agents around Bangkok are agents for Thai Railways, their booking fees are modest. Khao Sarn Road is a good place to buy them, as is Boon Vanit Travel Agency in Siam Square.

When you get on the train you will be offerred a glass of orange juice. You may well be pleased by this little surprise, and then disappointed to find, five minutes later, that complimentary beverages cost 20 Baht on this train. It's amazing that people even bother with this kind of cheap rip-off but there you have it. The water and papers offered after the juice are, in fact, free.

The dining car is a better place to eat than at your seat alhough the hostesses will try to discourage it. The food appears to be better and you can order what you like rather than having to accept the rather expensive set menus brought to your seat. It's most agreeable to sit by the window in the dining car sipping a beer and admiring the scenery as the sun goes down.

On the train they like to follow a child's timetable; to bed by 8 p.m. and up at 6 a.m. but you can resist that. Lower berths are better because you have more room and a window to look out of when the beds have been made up.

When the train gets to the border check-point everyone gets off and gets stamped out of Thailand. If you have overstayed your visa a fine of 100 Baht per day is levied. In the past an unofficial 100 Baht processing fee was added. Overstays of moderate length do not cause any special problems. As long as you have the money to cover the fine you need not worry about it at all.

After that you will line up again at Malaysian Immigration for your entry stamp. Malaysian Immigration is quite open. I'm sure they refuse entry to some people but I've never heard of it happening. With that you pass through a casual customs inspection, always bearing in mind that possession of drugs is a serious offence in Malaysia, penalties are severe, including hanging by the neck until you are very sorry.

Once through Customs you are in a waiting area that includes a kiosk and a money-changer. The rates at the station are not much different than in Georgetown but if you are saving pennies you can wait. However, you will need about 40 Malaysian dollars, (including two 20 cent pieces, or one 50 cent piece), so if you don't already have it, change 400 Baht. You will be able to see your new train on the opposite side of the station. There is no reserved seating on this train except that it has the same class sections as the Thai train.

If it's your first trip or you have a problem at the border don't worry about the train leaving without you, they normally wait until everybody is on board before leaving.

When you get to Butterworth march straight through the station, ignoring the taxi drivers, past the magazine stand which is off to your left as you come off the platform and up the ramp. You will come to automatic turnstiles that accept the coins, (M 2x20c or 1x50c), you have ready. The return trip is free. The ferry ride is relaxing.

When you get to the other side grab a taxi, it should cost $4 to get to the Swiss Hotel. Even if you don't want to stay there you are in the middle of the Chulia Street hotel ghetto. Check in quickly so you can get back out to the cafe area to drink a cold Tiger beer and enjoy the tears of travellers turned away because they were too late. If you are in a hurry it is possible to get your passport back the following day in time to catch the train back to Bangkok, (assuming they are both working days).

After you have refuelled on human misery take your money and passport to one of the visa services on the street. Fees are around M$10 and visa fees are about $55 for each 3 month period. Most of the visa services are also money changers. Rates hardly vary at all so don't waste time shopping around. The fee charged by the service is less than the cost of two return taxi trips to the consulate. Using the service also frees up time you can use for shopping and sight-seeing.

Visa fees are refundable if they are not used; for example, if you apply for a 6 month double entry visa and receive only 3 months you will get back $50. The visa services are quite reliable. If you are worried about giving your passport to someone you don't know you can take it to the consulate yourself. Taxis cost M$8 each way and the Thai consulate is in a beautiful part of leafy suburban Georgetown. In all the stories of teachers of Bangkok I have never heard of anyone losing their passport or having any other trouble with the visa services in Penang.

While having to travel to Malaysia so often can be annoying it is also an excellent excuse for a short holiday. Penang has many distractions suited to those tired of the crowding and pollution of Bangkok. The architecture and decorations survive largely intact from the colonial era. There are many old mansions including the most attractive Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in the world. The local bus system can take you out of the city (which is small anyway) to beaches and other quiet places. The cable railway up Signal Hill is also worth trying if you haven't done it before.

The odd smell you will notice as you arrive in Butterworth is fresh air. It is enough to set old Bangkok hands to gagging and spitting. All in all you should try to look forward to your trips to Malaysia. It is a pleasant country with an interesting history.

What am I, your mother? You should be able to work this out for yourself. The range of accomodation is not quite as great, (or as cheap), as in Bangkok. At the cheaper end of the market there are several hotels similar to the Swiss Hotel on and around Chulia street.

A personal favourite is the Hon Pin hotel about halfway up. It certainly isn't the cheapest but it has a lift, large air- conditioned rooms with bathrooms and a good selection of food and beer downstairs. The bathrooms have large baths and hot water. Anyone who has spent a long time living in accomodation without either will appreciate the luxury.

Bargains that exist in Malaysia but not in Thailand include fresh local and imported fruit, (A gift of grapes or their luscious Star fruit will be much appreciated by your Thai friends). There are good selections of cheese and beer. Malaysia produces its own Brandy, gin, vodka and whisky at reasonable prices. For tipplers on a budget the quality is higher than the equivalent Thai products (Sang Thip, Mekhong, Singharaj etc.).

Georgetown bookshops sell some books which are not available in Thailand for copyright or marketing reasons. You can pick up a treat for yourself or buy materials for your classes.

You're in a foreign country. You're here because you possess a skill that is needed. The skill is being able to speak the language of your birth. You didn't struggle to achieve this skill but your students will have to.

Assuming you are from a Western country try to imagine what it must be like to be Thai (or almost any other Asian nationality). Thai civilisation has been around for thousands of years, metal artifacts from the northern Ban Chiang settlement may be three thousand years old. Three thousand years ago Europeans were mud- skippers without charm or learning.

This length of history gives rise to great pride. It is impressive and worthy of respect. Bear in mind that even the most meagre of cultures is revered by its subjects, and Thai culture is by no means meagre. All societies respect and support their institutions, Western societies not excepted.

Then walk out on the streets of Bangkok and look around for Western influences. A random sample includes electronics, cars, petrochemicals/plastics, construction techniques and the hi-tech materials that go with them, television and radio programmes, television and radio, computers, finance, production techniques, almost all of the medicines, machines and procedures of modern medicine, books, CDs, hamburgers, skyscrapers, photographs, print shops; the list is virtually endless. Not only is it endless: it is virtually all you can see.

No matter how much you can point to the underpinnings of many of these advances in other cultures the dominance of Western culture is undeniable. This dominance unavoidably produces feelings of resentment in some Asian people. The resentment is compounded by their virtual complete, unresisting acceptance of these alien influences. This does not square with their own natural feelings of cultural superiority.

It all adds up to ambivalent feelings about foreign countries and foreigners. As a Westerner you will be looked up to as a repository of knowledge and skill that many Thai people feel are actually beyond their capacities. You will be treated with a respect that is often inappropriate. On the other hand most Thai people do not have any understanding at all of what life is like in the West and will expect you to behave in accordance with their cultural norms, because as far as they are concerned these standards of behaviour are universal. It is the responsibility of any guest to try to learn about and respond to the needs of their hosts.

At the same time as you are treated as superior you will also be the victim of some persecution. Even though the humiliation felt by some Asian people is inadvertent and unwanted by Westerners it is as keenly felt as if it had been intended. This leads to some unpleasant practises and offensive beliefs.

On the other hand a few foreigners have contributed to the problem by displaying insensitivity to the local traditions. It is rather silly to believe that one's own culture is superior in every respect; and it is ridiculous to take the credit for the achievements of your culture. i.e. how many of the advances mentioned above were you personally involved in?

It is a convenient fudging of the truth to say Thai people are tolerant of mistakes. A Thai person is very unlikely to complain or show any sign of disturbance when a foreigner is insensitive. Tourists enjoy a fair amount of freedom because they deal with Thais experienced in the ways of crazy foreigners. Because tourists stay for only a short time they escape any long-term consequences of their ignorance.

As a resident living and working with normal Thai people you will not enjoy this luxury. As I am no expert I have restricted myself to listing some of the things to avoid, and then some of the things to be prepared for.

® You must not accept hospitality indefinitely without trying to pay back. It is usually impossible to pick up the cheque the first time you go out with a group of Thai friends. It is all too possible to allow yourself to be treated on every subsequent occasion; your hosts will still smile and pay, never giving a hint that they have lost all respect for you as a person. You will have to fight for the bill but you must pay it.

® Don't flaunt your knowledge. I think it was the Japanese who were the first to notice that if you simply sit next to any Westerner he will tell you everything he knows. We have this unfortunate reputation of being smart-arses. There is no need to shove information down somebody's throat just because you know something he doesn't know. Life isn't a quiz show.

® Do not talk about yourself or your country too much. Pay careful attention to the attitude of your listeners.

® Don't insist on talking about the problems of Thailand. The Thai people who are concerned with such matters don't need ill- informed comments from outsiders. The ones who aren't interested...aren't interested.

® Don't get angry. Don't shout. Things move slowly in Thailand, mistakes are made. You must allow more time and expect more problems. Anger is very frightening to most Thai people, you will lose their trust if you let yourself go.

® Don't contradict or argue just because you feel you are right. One of your advantages as a foreigner is that you cannot lose face in quite the same devastating way as a Thai person can. You should consider admitting you are wrong, (when you know you are right); apologising for things you didn't do; not blaming others for things they did do, no matter how stupid; and so on. Maybe this goes against your upbringing but you don't lose anything by it.

® Don't challenge any of the popular myths of Thailand. As the country changes some of the old truisms are becoming obsolete. We all like to think of ourselves in a positive way. Areas where Thai perceptions may appear to differ from the truth include democracy, free speech, "Land of Smiles", high standards of service, freedom from foreign domination, racism, religion and so on. These types of subjects are sensitive in any country, you will gain nothing but trouble if you pick at them. For more insight into Thai attitudes see Mulder's Inside Thai Society.

® In a related field: don't tell students bad things about Thailand that they don't already know. In the last few years Thailand has been among the world leaders for suicide, murder, car accidents, mental illness and one of the highest rates of Aids infection outside Africa. None of this seems to be common knowledge, there must be a reason for that eh?

(And don't let it put you off either, only car accidents are a threat to most foreigners)

® Don't be too loud or flamboyant in public. Thailand is a very conservative country. The people generally admire those who do not seek attention, although there are exceptions of course.

® Don't be too relaxed when it comes to appearance. If you don't polish your shoes, clean your nails, shave, wear a bra, iron your clothes, use a deodorant, get your hair cut, wear a tie or brush your teeth regularly note will be made. Not many of us have to shave and wear a bra but all of us have to do at least one.

The short story on correct clothing;

Men - Dark trousers, light shirt, black polished shoes, tie. This combination is the most acceptable, if you can't do it all do as much as possible.

Women - Plain mid-length skirt and light high-cut blouse. Low- heeled shoes. As above.

® Due to massive changes in the country in the last few years people have been put in jobs for which they are unqualified, or unprepared or unsuitable. Incompetence and inefficiency abound. Live with it, Thai people do.

® Corruption. Why should you worry, has someone asked you for money? Most foreigners in Thailand in a private capacity are rarely touched by it. It's a big problem for the country but it is their problem, not yours. Don't mistake self-indulgent moral outrage for genuine concern.

® Personal space. This is an enduring problem for me as a large Australian from a small town. Where I come from friends are expected to keep a distance of about 5 feet (1.5 metres) in European countries the distance is less. In Thailand the distance is much less and routinely causes stress among foreigners. I haven't got a solution, sorry.

® Queues. Thai people just don't see the point I guess. There is also a fairly unnerving habit of pushing into lifts or onto buses before people get out, or even while they are getting out, don't say you haven't been warned.

® Staring. You are a foreigner and therefore interesting. In one restaurant the staff built a mini grandstand out of an adjoining table and chairs so all of them could watch me eat lunch. If I'd stayed there a long time I expect they would have brought their families in from the country. It pays to remember that more than 50% of Bangkokians are one generation or less away from the paddy fields and so not terribly sophisticated.

® As I mentioned more then once already, Thai educational standards are not always high so you may experience some frustration with the limited range of knowledge of your students. The answer to this is quite simple now that you are a teacher.

® Laughing and smiling. Thai people smile a lot. If you are walking along the footpath and a motorcyclist knocks you over he may give you a big smile. A Thai smile can cover fear, embarrassment, confusion, incomprehension or express happiness.

® Double standards work in your favour overall but certain places charge foreigners more.

® Thai people are concerned to make people comfortable and happy in the present. To achieve this they sometimes tell you things that aren't strictly true. For example, if you are unhappy in your job a Thai friend may promise to get you a better one even though he knows perfectly well that the chances he can actually do this are slim or none. He would say this just to make you happy. This sort of behaviour is disconcerting at first. Now I find it charming. The point is to expect things only when they happen, don't make serious plans on the basis of a promise.

® Bangkok people don't have much of a sense of community. My wife has pointed out that modern urban Thailand has yet to work out new binding mechanisms to replace those that worked so well in rural communities. People are typically committed to their families and relatively unconcerned with anyone else. This can result in some fairly callous and exploitative behaviour. Success is measured in money and it doesn't matter much where it comes from. This also partly explains how people who are notable for their high standards of personal hygiene and dress can casually litter or pollute their immediate environment.

® Thai people live for the moment. Past and future are unimportant. Anticipation of problems and making plans to avoid them along with accepting responsibility for and learning from past mistakes are not popular. Two examples serve to illustrate.

A senior policeman who was directly involved im the May '92 crackdown when at least 50 civilian protesters were killed in the streets was refused an entry visa to Australia. One of Thailand's leading politicians objected on the grounds that the incident happened a year ago and so should have been forgotten.

The need for a mass transportation system in Bangkok was obvious thirty years ago. People have been complaining about the traffic since the turn of the century. Nothing was done, nothing significant is being done and, realistically, nobody expects anything to be done. The latest decision on a proposed underground train system was to postpone making a decision for six more months. The elevated railway has ceased construction before even one train got close to running. Like corruption, this is an internal problem for Thai people to deal with.

® Racism is commonly seen to be a Western vice. The popular belief in Thailand is that there is no racism. Other popular beliefs are that black people are dirty, Indians smell bad, Chinese people are greedy, north-easterners are lazy, Lao people are stupid, and Caucasians all rich, selfish and diseased. I shouldn't omit to mention that if you are black and considering teaching in Thailand you are in for a difficult time.

® It isn't really important but in Thailand picking your nose in public is acceptable and picking your teeth isn't.

® When Thais use the word "Farang" it is not meant as a derogatory term, (in the sense of nigger, wasp, spic etc.). You will here it a lot, even from strangers you pass in the street.

® "Never mind", is a common translation of the ubiquitous Thai phrase, "Mai Pen Rai". The translation is not 100% accurate and so, "Never mind", is often used inappropriately. No offense is intended. Other misused phrases are, "Are you sure?", and the clumsily used, "You, you", "Hello", and "Where you go?". Give credit where credit is due; most of these people are trying to be friendly to you, a foreigner, in your own language.

® If you are having a communication problem with a Thai he or she may stop talking or hang up the phone. Many Thai people are totally flummoxed when called upon to speak to a foreigner, it doesn't even occur to them to speak to you inThai. They are afraid and so they choose the quickest way to get out of the uncomfortable situation.

® Personal comments and questions are OK. If you are fat or going bald expect to here about it. I am very tall and every day people point it out to me in the street.

® There are an unlimited amount of potential problems on both sides. You can overcome most of them through the Thai tactic of not seeing what doesn't please you.

It will help you to get around and understand the country. A lot of courses are available. None of them are particularly highly praised by attending students. Course materials are few and of generally poor quality, probably because of the limited demand.

The Thai alphabet may look daunting at first but it is really rather straight-forward. Not many visitors try to learn to read and write, even if they learn to speak, but it is rewarding.

You should consider that benefits gained from being able to speak and understand Thai come with one or two small problems. Most Thai people will implicitly believe that you cannot understand Thai and will feel free to talk about you, insult you etc. in your presence.

Thai bureaucracy is elephantine, labrynthine and Byzantine. Government workers have no incentive to work hard or well. Many enjoy misusing their official powers. A friend of mine once claimed that the Thai nation suffers from a passive-aggresive personality disorder; that all the anger and frustration that cannot be openly expressed is released in less obvious ways, i.e. missed deadlines, "forgetting", slow work, poor quality work etc. If it is true anywhere it is true within the bureaucracy.

You will run into these people eventually. Arrive early and complete the paperwork then settle back and wait. Since they thrive on superficial displays of respect and their own self- importance you should adopt a demeanour of humble ignorance. In your every action show them that you are sorry to bother such important people with your sad little problem. Take a book and/or newspaper and settle down in a corner as if you expect to wait all day. Do not complain or otherwise identify yourself as an arrogant foreigner. By these signs shall ye be known.

Sitting there, having pumped up a few egos at minor expense to your own, you leave the bureaucrats only one way to get any more benefit from the situation: by showing their fellow workers and you how efficient and kind to foreigners they are by sending you on your way. By looking like you'll wait all day you will often find you are finished and gone while others who arrived before you are eyeing the potplants for edible shoots.

It's been claimed that the character of a nation's people is revealed in the way they drive, which is as vicious a slur on the character of the Thai people as you are ever likely to hear. The traffic is so heavy and the driving so poor travelling around Bangkok approaches being a sublime experience.

There is no really satisfactory way to get around Bangkok. Let's compare the unsatisfactory ways.

Chauffeur-driven limousine. Who are you kidding?

Private cars and motorcycles are not a realistic option for most foreigners. Driving is a nightmare and riding is suicidal. Cars are more expensive in Thailand than almost anywhwere else in the Pacific region. Foreigners in cars or on motorbikes are targets for scams and attract police attention. Nevertheless some foreigners do drive or ride and seem to get used to it after a while.

Motorcycle taxis are fast, if unsafe. Motorcycle taxi drivers always have inflated ideas of their own skills. Now all riders must wear helmets, giving rise to problems of size and hygiene. Some people like them but I avoid them at all times. Pollution will make you quite dirty after even a short ride.

Buses come in five flavours, little green privately owned ones that cost 2 Baht, big blue and white ones that cost 2.5 Baht , big red and creamy yellow ones that cost 3.5 Baht, big blue and creamy yellow air-conditioned ones that have a graduated scale of charges depending on how far you go, and the newest small red and grey air-conditioned ones that charge a flat 25 Baht regardless of the distance travelled.

The bigger buses are pretty safe and if you understand the routes they are OK for getting around unless packed with commuters. In the rush hour you may as well be sitting on a bus as in a taxi watching the meter tick over. In hot weather the air- conditionoing makes little difference to the internal temperatures.

Tuk-tuks are probably quite exotic to new arrivals but offer little advantage except over short distances. Even then you should be able to bargain in Thai. Tuk-tuk drivers tend to see any foreigner as an important contributor to their retirement fund. Hot and dirty but faster than the bus and safer than the motorcycles.

There are two types of taxis. The old type has a simple "Taxi" sign on the roof and although there may be a meter it is never used. These taxis are usually in very poor condition and tend to be expensive for foreigners. There is no reason to use them unless absolutely every other option has been explored and rejected.

The new taxis have a sign that says, "TAXI METER". They have a larger engine capacity than the old taxis and are in good repair. They are required to use their meters for every trip but sometimes try to get out of it. For long trips, (to the airport, for example), it is reasonable to negotiate an extra payment. Flagfall is 35 Baht and after that the meter works on a combination of time and distance covered, the charges are very reasonable. In fact it is probable that for foreigners metered taxis are cheaper than the old taxis or tuk-tuks. If you can afford them they are an excellent way to travel.

River and canal boats are pleasant and quick. If they cover your route don't hesitate. Charges vary with the distance travelled. If you are taking one of the long tailed boats make sure you are not hiring the whole thing.

Walking is a very mad dogs and Englishmen type of activity, as is cycling. I mean, it is possible to walk to your destination in Bangkok, and I see from the newspapers that it's possible to cut off your own leg with a pocket-knife.

In Thailand there are things to do beyond the obvious tourist trips, and jobs beyond teaching for intrepid foreigners.

Several teachers I have known have become involved in selling courses directly to companies. Those with a natural talent for sales do quite well, but by now most of the likely customers in Bangkok have already been approached by schools.

Foreigners are more likely to get a hearing than local salesmen. Bear in mind that if you are selling a language course the person you have to talk to probably won't speak your language very well. Success depends on familiarity with the product and an ability to communicate in Thai. Therefore this work is more for people who have been in the country for some time. The same obviously applies to other sales jobs and translating work.

The demand for English language material is increasing. Several magazines and newspapers will accept submissions from free- lancers and periodically hire permanent staff.

The pay is often quite low but the experience is valuable. There are a number of magazines to avoid because they fail to pay at all or because they are run by insane owners/editors. It is best to ask around to find out which these are. If you examine a few copies of the magazine you should be able to work out if they are serious or not. Advertising pages vastly outnumbering content, lack of real content and names copied from overseas publications obviously without permission are all bad omens.

The advantages are that it is much easier to get a hearing and to be published in Thailand than it is in the more competitive home environment. Even newspapers such as "The Nation", which must rank as one of the best newspapers in Asia, sometimes suffer from a lack of well-written material. Astute editors will always be looking for good writers to fill the gaps.

It is a monumental task for a Thai to write or edit English perfectly, even if they have been educated overseas. Hundreds of businesses apart from publications need to carry on correspondence and business in English and other foreign langiages. Lawyers, advertising agencies, importers, exporters, colleges, multi-nationals and more can use in-house native speakers for making sure the meaning is clear.

These jobs can be very well paid, (35,000+ B/M) and usually carry extra benefits such as work permits, travel, holidays, sick pay, reliably high income, health insurance and career advancement which English teachers do not usually enjoy. Often the work is combined with some English teaching as well. The jobs are very attractive to long-term residents. Up to 50 or more applicants may apply. Good luck.

There isn't anything you absolutely can't do. I heard of one foreigner who was working on a Bangkok building site as a labourer. Others get out of teaching by becoming managers of schools, though often the job has little authority. Managers of language schools are frequently employed to take the cross- cultural heat; they have to listen to the owners, teachers and students complain without being able to change anything. Nevertheless some positions are truly managerial, the pay should be more than 25,000 Baht per month.

After the first thrill wears off you'll be looking for things to do in your time off. Getting drunk in sleazy bars is one tried and true option. Getting drunk somewhere else is popular too. If sleazy bars are your passion you don't need any instructions.

There is no point in being in Thailand if you don't eat Thai food. It is one of the world's greatest cuisines. If you try it once and reject it as too spicy you were not beaten enough by your mother.

The variety is immense within the world of Thai food alone. There are also many fine Indian, Arabic, Chinese and Japanese restaurants around town. After the initial shock your digestive system should be able to cope with the offerings of any street stall that looks clean. Ask your students for recommendations and follow them up.

The Oriental Shop on the ground floor of Isetan department store in the World Trade Centre has a variety of high quality smallgoods, herb teas, cakes, bread, wine, cheese etc.; the same stuff that the rich folks staying at the Oriental Hotel eat and drink. Prices are very good, considering.

Cafe des Artistes, attached to the Alliance Francaise on Sathorn road is a good spot for French food and baked goods. The Goethe Institute off Soi Atthakanprasit near Sathorn road has a good restaurant and a nice little gym complex.

Around the end of November the British Embassy throws open its gates for the Ploenchit fair. Tax-free beer, lucky dips and gourmet food are the bargains. People have fun while making money for Thai charity work.

Wat Suthat, next to the giant swing, is my favourite in Bangkok. It is less touristed than others. The simple style and high ceilings supported by square columns give the place a dignity and calm that other temples lack. The Buddha image is impressive and interesting murals cover the walls.

Suan Pakkard, and Vimanmek mansion are both sanctuaries from the heat and noise of the city. Both offer beautiful old wooden buildings displaying antiques in peaceful garden settings.

The river boat ride to Nonthaburi is as cheap and rewarding as the Monmartrobus in Paris. When you get there walk up the road to the market to see frogs in bondage, among other things.

Next to Pata Department Store across Pinklao bridge is a Dairy Queen fast food joint seemingly left over from the fifties. The pressed aluminium light shades and polished wood may not do much for you but I think the place should be a museum. Of course there is nothing particularly Thai about it.

The Bierstube near Soi 22 on Sukhumvit road is a comfortable Swiss pub and restaurant. Just the place to relax after shopping at nearby Elite Used Books or the well-stocked Villa Market, one of the best western supermarkets in town. Another favourite haunt is The Wall, a Swedish pub and restaurant off Mahesak Road, which runs between Silom and Surawong roads near the Holiday Inn. Cheap, good, friendly.

On top of New World Department Store is a food hall with cheap high-quality Thai food. You can sit in the air-conditioning and look down on the river. It's the sort of view you'd pay a lot for anywhere else. However they might have knocked it down or closed it by the time you get there due to a dispute with the city administration.

Other food halls worth a visit are in Mah Boon Krong, under the Ambassador Hotel, and in the Silom Complex on Silom Road.

Special mention goes to the Sushi and Sashimi stand in the basement of Zen Department Store in the World Trade Centre. Prices are reasonable and other stalls sell Mexican, Thai and other fine cuisines. For the location the prices are incredibly low.

Across the road from the Chatuchak Market is a food market of considerable charm. It seems most of Thailand's premium quality produce is sold here. Next to the market is an outdoor pub/cafe that has a limited range of fine food and cold beer to help you recover from the heat and chaos over the road.

Let's face it: Thailand is crawling with good food. If you can find a place anywhere in the country more than twenty metres from a restaurant or stall, mark it on a map and send it to Ripley.

Thai film, TV and pop music are uniformly awful, avoid them at all costs. Discos are called "pubs" and filled with idiots, maybe you'll like that. Various places around town offer live jazz, sometimes of a very high standard. Others offer local tries at reggae and rap with predictably boring results.

Generally Bangkok is the sort of city where peole are too busy or indifferent to support artistic endeavours, if you're looking for that you've come to the wrong place.

Heat, pollution and bad driving make jogging seem a foolish activity. Swimming is good if you can find a pool. Golf is popular, expensive and the favoured way of making professional contacts.

Gymnasia are available all over the place and range from cheap unair-conditioned sweat boxes to ultra-expensive joints where straining, grunting and sweating are signs of impossibly low class. The gymnasium in the Shangri-La Hotel has a lovely view of the river. The Oriental has just opened a new complex across the river from the hotel proper. Both of these hotels, like others in town, accept private members. They are expensive but probably less than you think, and you may find yourself working out next to Boris Becker or Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Good value places also include the Goethe Institute gym, which has a nice pool, and the Trinity Complex gym, off Silom, which is much cheaper than comparable places in the area.

When you start to realise the difficulty of slipping smoothly and unnoticed into Thai society the natural response is to seek out the company of other foreigners. It provides a taste of home and some relaxed conversation but there are drawbacks.

If you isolate yourself from Thai people and culture you undermine your chances of learning anything useful while you are in the country.

Among the many fine foreigners I've met in Bangkok are plenty of rogues. Con persons, alcoholics, tax and alimony exiles, criminals on the run, drug merchants and mules, child sex fans, prostitute exporters, bullshit artists and the seriously mentally deranged are all fairly thick on the ground. And you have to ask yourself, "Do I really want to hang around with people like that?". Just be careful, do not automatically trust a person because they speak your language.

Also beware of friendly strangers on the street carrying portable phones, tuk-tuk drivers who offer sight-seeing deals and anyone else who seems overfriendly and accomodating. The majority of these people are con men trying to get you to buy worthless gemstones. They can be very convincing. The ways in which the approach is made are sophisticated. Do not buy any jewelry or gems in Thailand to make a profit, it is not possible. Even the full-time professionals lose sometimes.