My name is Claude and I'm setting this down for posterity, because I don't think anyone else has ever really thought about any of this. Why would they? And before you ask, yes, I _am_ a girl. My folks named me Claudia but my big brother wanted a little brother instead, so he kept calling me Claude until that was the only name I answered to. Satisfied?
I'm human... kinda. I don't really know what I am. When I came into Nexus, I don't think I really 'phased' right. I've talked to a few physicists about it (hypothetically, of course. The gleam in some of those guys' faces when they thought about having a test subject with my specifications always made me check the exits.) but they weren't really any help. My problem is that I'm kind of a ghost. An semi-visible woman. Not quite all there. You can see me if I want you to but you can't touch. Or more like I can't touch you without using a lot of my energy.
Just getting through the normal actions of a day takes enormous concentration. Has anyone ever thought how much we take for granted the simple effort of brushing your teeth? Getting up from bed, where my unconscious body has gotten used to the level of concentration needed to keep me from sleeping through the bed..and the floor beneath it, on to the center of the earth. That same level keeps me from going through floors and roads when I walk. I can still feel everything around me..and I can feel when I go through them too. I'm no Midas, thank God; I can still eat and drink, though it takes me a lot longer than everyone else to finish a meal. Clothes, food, the inanimate seem to phase just enough at my touch for me to use, but I what I really miss is the human contact. The little touches everyone else gets but I don't.
Oh, I can do a quick handshake, no problem. And most of the folks I hang out with never go beyond that. I haven't really hung out in one place long enough yet to go beyond that. I don't think anyone's really noticed yet. I'm good at that. I stay away from crowded places where someone may walk through me if they're not careful. Dancing's out too.
I would _kill_ for a hug. A real one. That lasted as long as I'd like.
At least I would have until a little bit ago.
Ever since I came to Nexus, I would always try to make a friend in a local hospital. I was so worried at the beginning that I was fading completely away that I had every test my friend would think of performed on me. After that, it just became a habit: enter a new city, find the hospital, make a friend. I walk through the halls and rooms, a flash out of the corner of the eye if I don't want to be seen. If you ever hear the staff or patients talk about their Angel of Death that walks around or even through the halls, they're probably talking about me. Though I wouldn't be completely sure...this _is_ Nexus, after all.
I see a lot of cases come in. I seem to hang around the despairing ones the most...maybe I feel sorry for them, maybe I'm a touch empathic. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. I don't know. But some of them...especially the suicide failures. Those hit so hard. It may just be my own need screaming out through them but so many of them look like they could use a hug. Just someone holding on to them, showing them that they do still exist, that someone does still care that they are there. I see the hugs of relief that they are still alive, but not many families of the attempters give a hug that says 'I'm here for you. Always.'
After hanging around one girl that had tried the wrist thing (I never see the ones that do it the right way.), I was stomping away through the halls, muttering about people not appreciating what they've got when I hear some guy call out, "Hey, ghost woman!"
I turned around automatically. The voice had come out of a small room near the physical therapy wing. I went more solid and poked my head through his door. "Excuse me?"
This guy is sitting up in a chair, grinning at me. "Do you know you're transparent when you're angry?" he quips at me, his smile getting even wider at the rewording of the corny old pick-up line. He has no arms.
I get ready to deny myself but I'm tired. My anger's mostly burned out now but there's still some there. I flop down into a chair next to his and go transparent again, a mere outline against the pale yellow of the walls. "Yep," I reply. My manners emerge, saying, "I'm Claude and 'yes,Iamagirl.'" The old habit of explaining my name kicked in, but the usual hand extended for a handshake doesn't. I become solid again, trying not to be rude.
"I'm Griffin, pleased to meet you!" the guy says. "Felt you coming down the hall again, so I thought I'd introduce myself."
I blinked a little bit at him. "Felt? What do you mean?"
Griffon laughed a little, the sleeves of his t-shirt flapping with the movement of his chest. "Oh, I've seen you walking around a bit. But I also feel you, your anger, your despair." His face got serious. "Want to talk about it?"
I turn my face away, silent. How could I complain about my life? How could I rage against the world that I couldn't have something as simple as a hug when here was a guy who probably got less human touch than I did. I felt something nudge through one of my legs.
I looked down to see a sneaker-clad foot kicking into me and then looked up to see Griffon looking at me with more concern than I deserve. "If you don't want to talk about it, would you like a hug?"
The sheer absurdity of the offer hit me like a wall. I started laughing hysterically, losing enough concentration to begin to fall through the chair. I could feel tears running down my cheeks. I pulled myself back up, gasping for breath and about to apologize for being so mean. But Griffon was smiling, he hadn't been offended at all. He stood up and shrugged his shoulders, the sleeves bouncing around.
I stood up too. I shrugged as well. After all, what could it hurt? I tried to concentrate, determined to be solid enough to really hug him. I had needed a laugh so much and he could probably use the hug as much as I did. I put my arms around him and hugged with all my might. And then the miracle occurred.
I could feel a pair of arms around me. It had been so long... I couldn't even understand _how_ it was that a man with no arms could give a near ghost a hug, but it was happening. I could feel the tears start again. It had been so long...
The hug could have been going on forever but it was over too soon. I stepped back a bit, the 'How' almost on my lips. But Griffon was already sitting back down, his face glowing. "Was good for you too?" he asked with a grin. I laughed, a much brighter sound than before the hug.
"Oh yeah," I vamped. His eyes sparkled with the fun of it all. On impulse, I tried hugging him in his chair, completely out of the blue. I didn't feel his arms around me this time but I didn't mind. Didn't mind all of the energy it took either. I whispered, "Thank you." As I stood back up, I could hear the sounds of an orderly coming toward the room. I automatically went transparent, moving out of the way as the burly male nurse came in. As he puttered about, chattering happily to Griffon, I headed out the door. Looking back, I saw Griffon mouth toward the doorway, "Thank _you_. Come back any time!"
I brought my one of my hands back to semi-transparent and gave him the thumbs-up and a wave. I walked back down the wall, feeling immensely better than last time. On a whim, I stopped by the room of the girl who had set all of this off. She blankly glanced up at me with a look that was a mix of despair and regret...of failing? I came up to her and gave her a hug. It took most of the energy I had left but the tears of relief she cried made me feel almost as good as Griffon's hug.
When she opened her mouth to say something, I shook my head, one finger in the universal sign of 'Shush!' I waved to her and darted back into the hallway. Maybe it would get easier if I kept practicing. I resolved to keep trying, even if it still took everything out of me. I'd stop by the hospital every day. Griffon probably needed someone to visit him, though someone with that kind of personality should have no shortage of people stopping by.
And everyone needs a hug, now and then.
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