~ Going Home ~
5th June 2000
I went up north this weekend, to Maungaturoto, the town where I grew up. I don't go up there very often anymore. I often feel a little strange about returning there, as I have no 'home' there anymore. All my friends from school always go 'up home' back to the houses they grew up in, or to their parents places etc. I think I am the only one who has no house there anymore, and as most of you would know, none of my family is there either. When I do go up there though, I have friends to stay with many familiar places and faces to call on. I always have fun when I return. Guess you could say all of us from up there were big fish in a small pond and when moving away became quite the opposite *L* Nice to return to where you are a big deal sometimes.
I had an hour to spare today, was driving aimlessly around the streets where I used to walk after school and started heading out of town. Don't know why, just felt like a drive and refreshing my memory. I found myself driving right out of town towards the house where I grew up, the farm where I lived from age 3 through 10. I had time to spare and had my camera in the back so figured I would head out there for a look. See what has changed, take some photos of the farm, and take a trip down memory lane.
I really enjoyed driving out there down the same road I would travel with my Mum to get groceries, or with Dad into town many years ago. Noticing things that I had never noticed as a kid - how steep the hills were, what beautiful countryside it is and how bad the roads are!!! As I headed closer towards the house, I passed over the railway bridge that my Dad and I would walk under quite often. Knowing the house was just up the road about another kilometer I started to get this amazing feeling. I can't quite explain it. The sky cleared and the sun was coming over the hills, I really felt close to tears as it was just so beautiful. Every curve in the road was so familiar and I just felt, home. So complete, happy, and surrounded by such beauty. In some ways a lot of sadness too, not sure why. I can analyze myself on that one another day.
Anyway, with a huge smile on my face I arrived at the driveway totally dismayed that the bus shelter I used to stand under had been knocked down! How dare they! *laffin* Hehehe I guess it was old even 15 yrs ago. I contemplated driving in and going to see the people who lived there now, telling them I grew up there and asking to travel around the farm to take pictures, maybe I will get that courageous another day.
I drove further up to the top of the hill, pulled over and got out of the car. The silence hit me, I realised I have been in the city too long . My father would be horrified *L* So there I stood, looking beyond my favourite old tree, down to the house where I spent my childhood. It looked so small. But it still looked like home. A lot of the bush surrounding the house was gone, it looked almost bare and lonely, without character. About a hundred different memories flashed by. The rickety old fence was there; the one I remember us all building when I was about 6. It lasted the distance!
Over to the left the woolshed still stood, lookin exactly the same. Panning right across back around to the house is the most amazing countryside you have ever seen. The hills are so steep and huge, the train track running along the foot of the hills leading to the tunnel where I would always be far too scared to go into! I always thought that train would run me right over if I stepped foot in there! I just wanted to take so many pictures - and I did. I stood there for a long time, listening to the silence and the occasional dog bark. Noticing little things that I had long forgotten. I can't believe I was so lucky to grow up there, and god, standing there just made me miss it. Life was so uncomplicated then. I would walk, run, stroll around those hills pretending to be whoever I wanted to be, singing songs and playing with the animals, not a care in the world. I forget sometimes how complicated I make things and really, maybe they don't have to be. If something so simple, looking out over this land, could make me happier than I have been in months, well...needless to say it was strange.
Finally it started to blow so hard I had to get back in the car, so I ventured back down the hill stopping to take more photos along the way until I got back down to the bridge. I had to stop of course, got out of the car and hiked up to look down over onto the railway tracks. As I stood there I could almost see Dad walking along, 2 dogs behind him, and me about a hundred meters back, kicking the stones and singing to myself occasionally calling out to Dad to wait up. I got out my camera and took some photos looking down with black and white film hoping to get some great photos, to get the image I wanted. But, I realised I could never capture on film what I felt was there... the beauty, the memories, the magic.
As I drove away I felt almost lost, I didn't want to leave. So strange, the whole day really. I keep saying I don't have a home or a house up north anymore, well after today I realise that's not true. My family may not live there anymore but we're all still there in so many other ways. My spirit and heart is still there. It is home.
Maybe my parents are no longer together, maybe everyone wasn't always happy in that house, on that farm, but I hope I can give my children at least half the feeling of belonging that I have with my home. The connection I feel with it, to the land, to my family. If I can give that, I'll be happy. Things don't always work out the way you think they should. I remember when I had to leave. Strange, I only remembered it today. I hid for hours, behind the big trunk of my favourite tree crying and sulking at the injustice of it all. Having to leave my home, my Dad... the things I loved. But I realised today it wasn't as happy a place for my Mother, or others, as it was for me. People do what they have to do. Hey, the way I look at it, I am happy I was ever there at all. I felt myself today looking forward to building something like that, a home. I am still in no rush, no rush at all. But I don't think I am scared of it all anymore. Always too scared to hope for it, or think I could or would be able to do it. Thinking that I would fail. Or that, like my parents, it wouldn't work out. What a way to go in life, living in fear isn't the way to live. I get that now.
Although I felt somewhat reluctant to leave, I felt so incredibly happy and nostalgic. I turned the radio off and just drove back to town in silence. Happy with the way my life is happy with my up bringing, happy with complications and simplicity.