Omnipotent Aardvark!
In need of guidance? Want to know the meaning of life,
the size of the universe, or where you left your pants? The Omnipotent
Aardvark knows all and sees all! Ask
a question, and the Omnipotent Aardvark will answer it on this page!
Naaargh (high pitch sort of whining noise) oh great Omnipotent Aardvark
- were you completely satisfied with thhe success you achieved through your
"I'm An Aardvark" release on the Sesame St. label? I guess what I'd really
like to ask is -
did you do it for the art, or the money?
Humble Disciple.
PS: Will there be a remix or special edition release?
I did it to increase Aardvark awareness on a global scale. 'I'm An Aardvark' became the song of the aardvark peoples, and brought much joy and happiness to their society. There was really very little money in the project- I was paid with my body weight in termites. The Sesame St. label wanted to capitalize on my success and tried to convince me to release 'I'm a four legged, long nosed, hairy thing that eats ants' but I refused.
yeah well, my question is pretty much simple...
Are we supposed to find out what life and love
is all about, or are we supposed to hum along...?
Goodluck ardie... I'm puttin` meee` faith in
ya, Doont let me down...
Being Omnipotent, I know the meanings of life
and love, but am not at liberty to divulge them (The Great Armadillo In
The Sky made me sign a confidentiality agreement). I'd advise you to hum
along, but be moderate in your humming. Michelle hummed all day once, and
by the end of it, her friends were so irritated that they cornered her
and clobbered her with a gravy server.
(By the way, I'm not 'ardie', I'm the Omnipotent
Aardvark. Ardie is my second cousin twice removed. That is, we've twice
tried to remove his tongue from the freezer wall, but to no avail. A word
of advice- never eat frozen termites without thawing them first).
Dear Mr. The Omnipotent Aardvark!
How do they put stripes in striped toothpaste?
Ultra Procrastinator Woman.
After the movie 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate
Factory', a great many Oompa Loompas were without employment. Thankfully,
the toothpaste industry stepped in, the and Oompa Loompas spend their days
painting the stripes into toothpaste, while singing-
"Oompa Loompa, doompity doo,
I've got another puzzle for you
Brushing your teeth is really quite great,
Cause toothpaste contains Sodium Monofluorophosphate!"
And also, is your middle name Omnipotent? And
what sort of silly middle
name is that? I mean, i thought Procrastinator
was bad ! !
My first name is Omnipotent. I do have a middle name, but you couldn't pronounce it with your human tongue. It consists of several slurping sounds, a few clicking sounds, and a short ritualistic dance.
Why do free thinking people refuse to accept that
the proper plural of 'mongoose' is 'mongeese' (instead of the much touted,
and horribly incorrect, 'mongooses')?
Is it possible that Satan, or at least Steve
Case and/or Bill Gates are behind this?
It's a conspiracy between the FBI, CIA, and WWF (they've been sending us subliminal messages through game shows for years). Satan and Bill Gates are too busy obtaining souls to undergo eternal tortures to worry much about mongeese.
What question should I ask?
What question should I ask?
Hello omnipotent ardvark.
I have a few questions which lately have been bothering me and countless,
yet fruitles experiments have made those around me question my sanity.
1. Given that the whistleing range of a person is slightly different
to
their singing/vocal range, is there any relationship between the two?
2. WHY is the whistleing range of a person different to their singing
range?
3. Do snails have sex?
4. HOW?
5. How do oysters reproduce?
6. Why do sandwiches taste better when cut into triangles?
7. At some point in the average persons life, they will begin to dislike
milk of squash and begin likeing Tea. Why is this?
Wishing you love,
peace and prosperous nose hair
- kimwei, the RedMunk of XFO Land.
PS: Regards to the great Giant Armadillo in the sky. Also, can
he give this message to his illustrias neighbour - The Great Giant Moo-cow
in the sky,God of cheese and lemonade."EKAC LEGNA"
To answer your questions-
1) No. Singing is produced by the vocal chords.
Few people know this, but whistling is produced by air rushing through
empty spaces in the brain, which in the early days of human evolution,
contained brain cells dedicated to the function of ignoring how much you
actually stank. With the advent of soap, these brain cells have vanished,
leaving the aforementioned holes through which whistling occurs.
2)See question 1.
3) Yes.
4) Well, I don't want to paint you a picture,
but I'll just say it involves candlelight, romantic music, and large quantities
of mucus.
5) Pearls are actually oyster eggs. So every
person who wears pearls is actually wearing baby oyster fetuses. They don't
look quite so attractive anymore, do they?
6) I actually prefer my sandwiches cut into tetrahedrons.
The reason you like sandwiches cut into triangles is because of
a trauma you suffered as a child, in which several of your classmates cornered
you in a playground, calling you 'fatty fatty fat fat' and throwing square
sandwiches at you. One of the corners of these square sandwiches hit you
in the eye, resulting in complicated sight restoring laser surgery. So,
the reason you prefer triangular sandwiches is because they have less corners
to blind you with.
7) Because milk of squash contains a chemical
called 'sillitol' which causes you to run around making duck mating calls,
strip off your clothes, stuff yourself into a cutlery drawer and light
your hair on fire. While this is perfectly normal behavior for a child,
it tends to get you several odd looks and a fetching wardrobe of straitjackets
as an adult. So, people switch to tea to avoid this. They also tend to
realize that milk of squash tastes like crap.
PS
8. What is muesli made from. I mean,what is it REALLY made from?
-kimwei
8) Well, if you look closely at the word 'muesli', you'll realize it is an anagram for the word 'slimeu', a word German in origin, which means 'I appear to be unable to remove my liederhosen'. What does this have to do with muesli? Nothing. So to conclude, muesli is made of oats, bran, dried apple, dried pawpaw, sultanas, and preservative 431.
What mystical force causes teenagers to endlessly circle the Wal-mart
parking lot every Friday and Saturday night? Are the evil Wal-Mart
bigwigs behind this? Is it a cult ritual? Is it something in the water?
What??? They block off traffic for miles damnit! It must be
stopped!!
-Buttercup
Aliens. I can't really say much more, but I will say this- have you ever noticed how teenagers tend to wear big shoes? Well, each shoe contains an interplanetary satellite reciever. As for why the aliens want teenagers to circle Wal-Mart, the answer is too horrifying for the human mind to comprehend and would result in anarchy, mass looting, and re-runs of Full House.
Why must people have to suffer the tortures of
LiL Bow Wow? Is this Gods way of punnishing us or is it the annoying teenyboppers
plan to rule the world?
Biscay.
It's the third of the seven plagues leading up to the apocalypse.We've already experienced the plague of air (that one started really early, and has yet to abate), and the plague of really-stupid-looking-shoulder-pads (most prevailant in the 80's). This most recent plague is known as the plague of second-rate-pop-vocalists-who-everyone-hates-but-they-somehow-get-to-no.-1-anyway-which-tends-to-piss-people-off-quite-a-lot,-really.
Oh Great Omnipotent Aardvark!
Do the members of Savage Garden really do their
own singing or are they really involved in a lip sync scandel like the
once great Milli Vanilli (I think I spelt that right.....of course with
the trauma of that scandel I have subconciously blocked out most details
of that band)?
Also, do you think that my presdegious and awe
inspiring musical skills are enough to reach the lofty hieghts of the music
industry?
Oh, and what's that dangly thing (what's it called?)
in the back of our throat/mouth for?
-Paul Chegwidden
No, they don't do their own singing. Two Brazillian
Llamas were bred and trained specially to provide the vocals for all their
albums and concerts. Milli Vanilli's vocals were in fact done by seven
mutated chipmunks (who took it in turns, of course).
Your musical skills are both prodigious and awe
inspiring, but you're just not showing enough midriff to cut it. Hotpants
would also help- but you might want to do some intensive waxing.
And the dangly thing (known as the 'dangly thing')
is there to regulate the air pressure in the throat and sinus area. Without
it, your head would spontaneously implode. And then no one would be able
to wear a hat, which would lead the world into chaos, anarchy, and death.
Hats are the only thing keeping our society together, mark my words.
Why is it that no matter how much a person (or
dog) chews corn ... it seems to reinflate and come back to its original
form when defecated.
-Anon.
Because corn was created very shortly after the
sea sponge, and the Great Armadillo in the Sky got a little confused, and
mixed the two up. Consequently, if you're down by the beach and feeling
a mite peckish, just grab youself a sea sponge and chow down. Or if you
spill something in the kitchen, a handful of corn will clean it up in a
flash!