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Through the Russian Eyes:
You've lived in the United States too long, if
1. Answering the question how to find your house, you, in turn, ask your own
question - "Where are you coming from?"
2. You put a bottle into a brown bag before drinking its contents
3. Having received flyers of funeral agencies, with offer to buy plots on there
cemeteries, you do not burst into laughter, but instead discuss it with due
seriousness with your relatives.
4. You toss 90% of the mail you receive without ever opening it.
5. When people smile at you, you don't check your clothes to make sure they are
properly buttoned.
6. Taking a taxi or car service in New York, instead of saying "JFK, Delta
terminal, please", you say in Russian: "Take me to Kennedy, Aeroflot, chief!"
7. You believe that any girl whose weight is less than 200 pounds is a beauty.
8. Instead of "chert!"(devil!), you say "oh, shit!", and instead of "oh, blia"
(oh, slut), you say "oops!"
Students from Russia, Germany and Britain have been sent to an American University as part of student exchange program, one student from each country. Each of them got a personal assignment due in a year.
A year later, the British student submitted 12 thick notebooks, the German -3 thick volumes. "Volume one is for lab research, volume two - theoretical part; volume three - inferences."
The Russian student didn't submit anything.
Professor: ???
The Russian Student: I am sorry, Professor, I had a terrible headache last night.
A telephone call in the 70s.
How's life?
A telephone call in the 80s.
How are you? Alive?
A telephone call in the 90s.
What? You alive?!
In a restaurant:
"Waiter, bring me a toothpick!"
"Somebody is using it now!"
A fireman is taking a test at a music school.
The examiners are asking him, "What is the difference between the piano and the violin?"
"The piano is burning longer," he is answering…
The telephone rings.
"Hello."
"Hello, may I talk to Vasia?"
"Vasia is not at home, is there anything to pass on to him?"
"Yes, pass on three rubles to him…"
In a tram an old woman notices a very thin and exhausted young man holding an overcoat. "Son, how come you are so thin and exhausted?" asks the woman.
"I am a student," he answers.
"You must be an honors student, as you are so exhausted."
"Not really, I am an average student."
"Let me hold your overcoat for you, so you could relax a little bit."
"This is not an overcoat. This is Peter. He is the one who is an honors student."
On the street.
" Do you have a cigarette, old man?"
"You forgot the magic word, son!"
"Is it 'what if I hit you in the eye'?"
A teacher asks his student,
"Tell me please, what is the best time for apple harvesting?"
The student replies,
"When a farmer's dog is kept leashed. "
Father: So, let's see your school transcript.
Son: One of my friends borrowed it from me to frighten his parents…
A man is slowly getting out of the pharmacy. The pharmacist is running behind him, saying, "Sorry, you just bought ascorbic acid. Give it back to me."
"Why?" the man asks.
"By mistake I gave you potassium cyanide!"
"But I have already drunk it!" the man says turning white.
"Well, then pay one extra ruble right this minute!"
"Rabinovich, what newspapers did you subscribe to this year?"
"What do I need newspapers for if I have the Internet?"
" We are afraid it would be hard for you to go to the bathroom with your keyboard..."
A young couple is talking to a real estate agent after looking for a house.
"The house you showed us yesterday is pretty nice. One only thing: there is a huge construction in front of it, which is closing all the nice view."
"It’s nothing. It is just a factory for nuclear reactors. Sooner or later it will blow apart..."
Two friends are walking down the street... A pretty girl is passing by...
One friend is saying to another, "Look, she has smiled to me!"
"I am not surprised. Remember how I burst into laughter when I first saw you..."
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