I never knew what feeling alive really
was, and now, I don’t know if learning was such a good thing for me. Every day, every moment, I crave his touch,
his look, his words.
If a man could be closer to Adam, and
we were living in the garden of Eden, it was my boy.
We had a lot of fun, he mucked around
(and up) a lot. But there was no
pressure, and all I wanted was his company, nothing else. So it was all very comfortable. He couldn’t fall in love and I didn’t want
to. It made things easy.
But when things started to change,
there was no falling behind for me, I could see the bright lights he was taking
me too and though hesitant, there was no resistance.
At first it seemed a little bit of a
game, and inwardly I’d giggle and think ok…. If you want to play
house…. We’ll see how long it
lasts. And honestly, I had no
imagination of anything becoming of it.
But after a little while, I realized the vagueness in his words was only
a timid boy, falling in love for the first time and not understanding that he
wanted to do things for someone else.
After all, he had only ever looked after himself.
Wow… what a heady feeling. He’d visit me after work, and it seemed each
week he was earlier and earlier, like he was in anticipation to see me, as I
was him. I used to make jokes about the
word love, with out any idea that we would actually use it.
He’d come up my stairs with a look in
his eye that was full of mischief and admiration, and there wouldn’t be a split
second before he had his arms around me, being cheeky, smiling that coy smile
and I’d just fall into a heady wonderland… in his arms. He needed to get closer to me all of the
time, all fidgety just trying to get a little closer. He couldn’t wait to make love, and stay
inside of me as long as he was able.
Our Saturdays as friends talking about
everything and nothing phased into Friday nights of awe. I’d never felt so at ease and so contented to
do absolutely nothing but watch him and chat.
On the bed, on the balcony, on the couch, just
watching and talking, nothing else.
It was almost as if we couldn’t pour our lives and stories into each
other soon enough.
Then, I remember so clear, I could act
it out perfectly anytime I was asked. The subject of love, which was so easily laughed at. And his eyes just deepened, one side of his
mouth curled up, and I felt no conceit, or fear, or sympathy. He was eager to say what he meant, wanted to,
said he wanted to, and when I said he never had to say that or feel that, he
was even more determined….
I must have blushed
bright red and made it even more difficult for him! I didn’t know what to say, I hadn’t allowed
it to enter my mind. Then there it was,
right in front of me.
I wasn’t uncomfortable, just surprised
and a little bit lost. But when I
peeked, he was so cute, like a little lamb.
“I want to say, I really do. I
realized it the other day”… boom boom.. my heart was pounding. I don’t recall a time in my life, that I have
ever felt so touched. A man who couldn’t
love a woman… loving me!!!!
The next night as I cuddled up to him,
he was actually able to say the words!
Then followed quickly after my silence, “You don’t have to love me, but
I love you regardless,” I admit I have lied
so many times before when it comes to this sort of thing, but I was so new to
the possibility of being in love again, I didn’t know what to say or if I
did…… didn’t take long!!!
Our weekends got even better, magical
to say the least. He was always so complimentary
and we never ran out of things to talk about.
I felt like a princess, like nothing could knock me off my throne. Everything was just beautiful.
I’d been having a pretty hard time. A few bits and pieces invading my all so wonderful present life. Excitedly he asked me to take the following
Friday off for a surprise. Somehow, I
felt that he was new at this romantic,
surprising, giving someone else something thing. I was just wrapped and couldn’t wait.
He’s soooo
cute, can see him driving a long with a goofy grin…
What a weekend, it had its
complications, if it had been any other couple could have spoiled the weekend,
but nothing could dampen the way I was feeling, on top of the world and so much
in love without regret!!
Never have I ever met a man so
completely innocently loving. It was
clear, (even without him continually saying it!!).. that he just wanted to make me happy. And he succeeded very well …ALL THE TIME!
Beginning a long walk, he couldn’t look
at me, but pledged to do all he could to please me, admitted he had not wanted
to please anyone before in this way, but I was special, and he was lucky to
have someone like me, he could never have dreamed of….. I think I was the one who was lucky!!! Can’t describe how sweet… kept walking, he seemed nervous but
determined to wear his heart on the outside…
That weekend will just repeat in my
memory for ever and ever. Every part of
it was wonderful, but mostly him.
Only loss of that time was that he was
disappointed in himself….. for ridiculous reasons, cause I couldn’t be more proud of anyone….ever.
He just kept on surprising me. I’d meet his friends, and he’d interrupt them
in the middle of a sentence to say “Isn’t she beautiful”… Normally I would be extremely embarrassed,
but to see the look on peoples faces… like “that’s not the guy I know!!!” .. it was just the sweetest, he
wasn’t embarrassed, just proud.
We rode in shopping trolleys, had fun
in car parks when I lost my handbag, tried out new things, made absolute
doodles of ourselves. But everything we did
was fun, because we were together, best friends and I could not be happier with
any one else in the world. That in it self was fun.
I had a few little tragedies and he was
there to comfort me when I had a sook.
In December he went away on a golf
tournament and then back to his home town.
I don’t know what in the world
possessed me or what I was thinking when I packed up the car to go and surprise
him, and what a trip it was!!! Especially in my heap.
It boiled dry ten minutes into the 5
hour trip, stopped six times to fill with water. Cried a lot, stressed a lot, had no radio, it
was stinking hot, CRAZY!!!
But every bit of it and even more was
worth the look on his face when I knocked on the door. I got the shakes
severely, could barely stand up, and he just kept on hugging me, and saying
“crazy girl” then squeezing me again and again, and again. I’ve never felt so many butterflies in my
whole crazy life!! Pebbs
wasn’t too impressed but I’ve made up for that now.
We’ve had so many little coincidences,
superstition would call it fate, but I’m not sure I believe in fate… But I do know I believe in him. I do feel the completeness of me with him… or
to say have no doubt he completes me, I like me, I’m better. I do know that there is no one else in the
world I will ever want to be with, no one can compare and the love I feel for
him could not be surpassed. Till the end
of my days, I know in my heart and my entire being that even if fate does not
exist, the choice of a soul mate does, and he’s it… beaten every other spec in
the world hands down. I’d give up my
hair for him!!!!!!....LOL
The very last thing his mother said to
me, “you lucky bugger Tamika, it’s your turn to look after him!” and I wonder,
no actually I don’t wonder, I take it as I think she may have seen it,… knew it
was time to pass him on so he would still have unconditional love,. And that I was the only one who could love
him as much as a mother could, unconditionally, that is what I am ABLE to give
him, not try, not suffer through or doubt… naturally!!! I think she knew,…. Maybe I’m
wrong, but she had something special …..And I am honored if that was her
meaning. Even if I am wrong, My purpose
now to fulfill my life is to make him happy, because that’s is what I want more
than anything else, and that is what I fight for, that is why I stay as strong
as I can be and fight what ever I have to fight do that.
I know my pain makes him sad, but I
keep telling myself that it is payment for a new life for us…. Something you can’t buy… have to earn. I hope…
This could go on for days, the
sincerity in some of his letters and emails, the agony in his voice when he was
making up and sorry, the big brown eyes begging for forgiveness down on all
fours, funniest phone videos!!.............all the lovely times, but it works
me up too much, I’m tired, my honey bear. I’ll continue to write when I can……My
memories are like a Virginia Andrews novels, they continue forever…. You are
forever, my heart says so.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to new understanding
with the passing whisper
of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky
more beautiful to gaze
upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile,
leave footprints on our
hearts,
and we are never,
ever the same
