Love is, above
all, the gift of oneself
I don’t know where to go, what to say, what to do……. This is why I am
not the person I was. “You’re not the person I met” of course I
am not, I am in love with you and what you do matters to me more and more, whether
it is good or bad, it is deeper.
Everything that happens in your life effects
me. When you say or do something lovely,
it makes me so much happier than it did, not just
because it is not so often. I was really excited about you planning dinner last week. Admittedly the romance fell out the bottom of
it a little when you were not coming home to pick me up, and having to catch
the tram all dolled up, but as soon as I saw you I got the old butterflies
happening again.
But darling, I feel as though I’m bottom of the barrel, you don’t
even look at me any more let alone think about making me feel good.
“In life,
actions speak louder than words, but in love, the eyes do.”
I don’t intend to yell at you, accuse you or fight ever… never ..there is no need, but without being accusing, and
you need to accept that I am not aggressive and you are equally entitled to
explain your ulterior thoughts, with the same respect….. anything I say is
either not listened to, mistaken, shutdown or not taken seriously. I am HAPPY
if you want to tell me other wise, it would be good to be wrong about it but I
can not see any other possibility….. I do think you
would agree. I am prepared to take
listen to your problems that I cause and more than happy to be able to correct
them where I can, but until we untangle our lines….we ain’t goin fishin!!!!
I was who I was because you admired me,
“You don't love a woman because she is
beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. “
were interested in what was important to me, considered my needs
and feelings, made me feel beautiful and intelligent, made me feel like a
woman, more than any one ever has, made me believe I was sexy, said the
loveliest things all of the time, those gorgeous things that were said with
complete innocents, pointed out everything that was good about me. Gave me all the confidence in
the world and so much care that may patience with you could go on for ever… (also and estrogen issue!!
) I loved you cause
of the person I was with you, I liked me…. And as I have told
you one hundred and fifty times, I didn’t even know I didn’t know what
happiness was until you. Everyone who
knows me jokes about the fact that I could not sit still for a moment. I was
truly and ruly hyper active. Couldn’t stay home for anything, had to get out and about day and night all the time or I’d
go bananas…. Then all of a sudden I’m staying in bed all weekend and not going
anywhere and like it!!?? That shocked me … wonderfully…. I was happy to just be with you, we talked so much and laughed so much
and everything we did was wonderful….
People laugh at the number of times we’ve been
out for dinner…. I’m not in the least embarrassed , I
actually laugh with them and normally I’d be ashamed… but I wouldn’t exchange a Grand Gala Ball for
one moment we spent together then.
You will find
as you look back upon your life
that the moments when you have really lived
are the moments when you have
done things in the spirit of love.
Now…… how
I feel is not considered when you have the lead way, which you have, as you
have needed to over the last couple of months.
You have said it in words, that I am not to be considered, many things
you have said that were callous and I hope were not really what you meant……
Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't
walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my love."
This sounds angry, but it isn’t please
believe me baby……
any thing that you do that I express is not a critism, I know you are
lost too, and don’t necessarily mean to hurt me. This is why we should be able to work it out
with out anger, but you need to listen…and so do I …
every thing I voice you come back at me with an opposite, or “but you do
this”. You can sit and tell me how bad
your life is and I can give you all the sympathy in the world, but not when you
are giving me none for the many things I am still
going through also. . Its
like a game of catch, I say I’m discontented, you say I’m not the only
one. I say something
lovely, you are lovely back. I explain my agony, you explain yours….I don’t call, you don’t call…. This is not how things will work out…. We
need to consider each other. Please try
not to forget that I have a double deck….
Dealing with your grief and dealing with my own continual alone. In my last letter I explained how much your
pain tore at my heart, it still does, I still feel the hurt you have inside,
making everything you do very difficult, I know.
“If I could take your troubles I would toss
them in the Sea, But all these things I'm finding Are
impossible for me. I cannot build a Mountain Or catch
a Rainbow fair, But let me be what I
know best, Ilove you and will always be there”
And I can say it with all honesty and not just to make you
feel better, wish I could say otherwise, but that is loving someone…you feel
what they do. I grieved for both of
you. And then
for myself while going through it without your support or appreciation, all
alone on top of my health problems. I
know you were not aware, but even when you are aware of concerning issues, you
forget in an hour. You could never
fathom how much my thinking process has been scattered. I was so rational, so able to come up with an
instantaneous solution to many things, think of tactful answers, carefully
consider what your feelings were and include them in expressing mine…. Now, I can’t for the life of me put two words
together.. its like a toy box
in my head, junk everywhere and I can’t ever find what I’m looking for until I
am exhausted and it is obvious. The
reason I cannot write now…….. You are not to blame for this, we are.
“No true lovers can cross the
path of our destiny without leaving some beautiful lingering mark on it
forever"
I know you feel the same way, I know your
thoughts are scattered too through many things.
But for me it is my expression being pushed back into my mind and
twisted a little, when I try to explain something calmly and you become so
tense and in a hidden way aggressive.
We have to stop…. And listen and
sort one thing out before we go to the next…… we are
both too confused.
“I can’t go out because you don’t” I mentioned before how you interpret my
thoughts incorrectly, and that is the conclusion you jump to and stay at. But when you listen
long enough, you answer yourself. You said before how you cannot go out, which I have never ever even
looked like preventing, I really do not even mind a little bit… considered
timing, I know it would be very good for you……but after complaining for so long
that this is my fault, your answer to your own question was that you couldn’t
because I don’t …how silly is that!!!!????? If I choose to stay home, it is because I
want to, it IS choice. Why should I go
out with my friends just so you can go with yours??? When I would be more
contented to spend that time writing or being productive. You know my feelings on going out with the
girls and you of all people should understand that it is a pain in the arse,
they bore me with silliness and pettiness… I cannot be bothered with that and
on more often than not occasions had my evening ruined by such things….. reason 2…dare I tell you…..
I left early Saturday night because John was pushy….. Friday night was not much different except
there were different men and I didn’t know them so well, it was easier to
take. Reason 3. All I do when I go out without you is wish
you were there, imagine how much more fun it would be, what we would be doing,
and how boring it was without you. Yes I
have my esteem boosted…and I need that but that is the wrong way to get it and
could possibly cause more anger towards you inside me because it was coming
from some one else.
And a little pointer so you understand my upset on Tuesday, ….we
used to have so much fun, whether it was by ourselves or with Jon, it was one
of the reasons you cared for me, cause we could still have fun. I am very very
offended by the “guy thing” that you do not want to have a drink with me or
have fun with me but with men who you do not even no that well “it is a guy
think that I cannot grasp” that hurts…A
LOT… especially when I have been trying
to make fun…. Cause that is what is apart of us, why we clicked.
“Yesterday is
history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the
present.”
I have never needed my friends,
never needed anyone because no one has ever been there for me sincerely. Sorry, but that does include you. I accepted that a long time ago but it
becomes more difficult when you expect it of me….. well, they are the
wrong words because I want to give it… but you take it for granted and abuse it
without knowing you are doing so or that I am giving.
“it is expected that we are there to
support one another” (I really hope you remember saying these
things in our phone conversation)… I completely agree… but my side of the see saw makes me
appear a lot fatter when it comes to that.
Love consists in desiring to
give what is our own to another and feeling his delight as our own.
I have tried to convey the point for a very long time that each of
a partnership needs to be considered, that everything each does effects the
other and it should be both going the same way, but too often you are so far
ahead that I am left behind bewildered wondering what is going on. Not once in the last few months have you
asked the question, how do I feel about it…. And that is all that needs to be
asked, you know I will give you full support in what ever you are doing whether
by obligation or desire, but it makes a very big difference to be respected
considered and included instead of just
accepting and chasing after you. If you
think about it for a moment, …. Ummmmm example…. Ummm,
I got in the car on Sunday morning and kissed you good bye,
you’re standing there thinking what the hell???
Thought she was taking me to the airport” and all of a sudden you are
stranded. I am sure you would not be
impresses that I didn’t tell you I had plans. But if I had said a few days earlier,
“darling, theres a luncheon on Sunday I really would
like to go to, would you be upset if I didn’t come to the airport and are you
able to organize a lift? I don’t mind if
I cancel it, but I thought I would run it by you” and you would be proud as punch to let me go
and fell kind for putting your blessing on it.
Another example…. I was ready to go on a Tuesday
night and you had no idea. I say “come
on lets go” and you would resent the hell out of it… because I assumed you were obligated
to come…. Yet you don’t mind that much. And even times that I really wanted to go,
like when I had not seen them for weeks and was needing my family very
much… I gave you a very easy option and placed no pressure… you said no and that was end of
discussion with out any argument or need for resent. I hope that was clear, except put the options
on a larger scale. You just make the
decision; only ask if it involves having to meet somewhere. Again this is not
bagging you, but this is what I was upset about when we were at the All Star,
THIS was the issue, NOT going out with your friends.
“how can two expect
to travel together if they don’t plan where to meet?”
I could go on all night about partner ship, but I am sure I am
starting to become unclear…. It is 2.30 and not much more brain capacity left….
.
I have studied, searched, talked, troubleshooted,
looked back on answers and strategies for us, you should trust that this is my forte,…. But none of my suggestions attract any interest, and many of
the things I have instigated have actually been bagged severely… like a
romantic surprise evening at the windmill.
It means work, and everyone has to work at a relationship, just
like a garden as they say. But we both need to
commit, and agree on strategies…. It is no good for me to instigate something
such as counseling and you go through obligation…. It would make everything
worse because if you don’t believe in it ..you will
resent it… it is a natural reaction when you feel you don’t have a choice.
“Love bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures
all things”
I’ve looked into online counseling… asked a lot of questions and it sounds
worthwhile. It is personal and each person can explain what
they feel confidentially, that is the other does not know what is
included. For me, it is fine for you to
know what I think. But I think for you,
and only guessing, that you would feel more comfortable writing your side
without my influence or knowledge?????? SO you can say all the realllllllll
bad stuff about me??!! 
…. This is a suggestion and nothing more. I will not be upset if you say no to
anything, just as long as you have something in mind that you think will
work.
“As I continue my talks with her, I become
aware that, in my heart, a window is opening”
The other suggestion, which was from
Kim, is that we write a diary, not detailed or anything like that, just
something we can compare notes on, see when I was liken ya
a lot and when you weren’t liken me so much.
See what the actual triggers are and even just for our
own sakes… so we know how we have felt
over the week and if it has been all that bad when at one moment we think life
is over….it also works in a good sense, like you do something that I don’t have
the opportunity to appreciate openly, and then the moment has past and it is
awkward, but I can write it down for a surprise at the end of the week!!!!!!!!....Kim
is eager to see us both together, firstly it was for my sake… but now it is for
us. But I know
that you would never be comfortable with that and never expect it… But I think it would be
good to have someone else’s view, whether we listen or not…I do a lot of NOT
listening to other peoples opinion, it has become an earplug… unless of course they are telling me what I
have done wrong, explaining how they would feel if they were you and then I listen
and sometimes it is a realization and I change it, and I know I am at wrong….I
am aware your opinion of this is not good but, we just go head to head against
each other, there is no umpire… your opinion of love is very different to mine
and neither is to say right
…
but a view may alter both our attitudes.
Discussion night??? One night a week where we lay it out as it
is, all the little petty bits, all the big heartbreaking bits… ..oooooooooh, I have a good idea
what about a sexual experimentation
night!!!!!!! Yep!!! That ‘d
be all the therapy I’d need, bugger pychs!!!! 
……
Open ideas, like
I said…. I don’t want you to anything you are not
happy with, it would defeat the purpose. but we have
to do something and just pretending it will go away is not going to work any
more. It is communication that is down, not understanding or appreciating one
another’s needs……
“ What lies behind us, and what
lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Last, I promise it to be the last
thing and something that is very hard to explain, and very hard for you to
understand.
Making love…….there are several
emotions amongst this… that hurt me very deeply in many ways… in know that you
think it is petty or selfish, but believe me,….I have studied it a lot since I
felt guilty myself. And
I found that my feelings were actually relevant.
If you love
someone tell them, because hearts are often broken bywords left unspoken”
First thing
which is most obviously justified… I explained to you about my lack of estrogen
and the effects it had on my body. How
it helps a woman’s body function normally, increases energy, acts as an immunity and prevents many disease. The email Melinda sent was coincidental, it was not at all aimed at you, I have not spoken of it with
her and she would not be interested in boosting my sex life. But quite clearly it
stated many of my body deficiencies and illnesses included liver cancer…. Yes…
did you read it??
And a very big help to the heart….
I have basically none… which is why I
every so often get injections… but since we went to 
…..
I purposely have not told you of my
health for 3 reasons, because it was completely the wrong timing, because you
have not shown true care or concern for more than two minutes in the past and
that is difficult for me to not resent….though I get by if you do not know….. and also because you could have
thrown it back at me as an excuse or emotional blackmail for attention or
actions or wanting to make love.
Another reason for the XXX thing….. feeling for you as I have over
this difficult time, so deeply and so intensely, feeling your pain and caring
for you more, it is very natural to want to connect more… and very very disturbing to be refused when it is the purest form of
love that can be given.
“To the world, you may be one
person; but to one person, you may be the world!"
I know it sounds extreme but every
time you have refused me its like ripping my heart out, and I don’t get over it
when I am not horny any more… it stings and stays…. I actually still have it
stuck there where my heart was…
Third, I feel as though we have not
been together at all through all of this time.
If you think of how many conversations we had in Tumba,
let alone any quality time together, I don’t think you would reach one hand….. I did not expect time, admittedly in
I know this is a sore point for you,
but it is a very sore point for me for the first time in my life… especially
when you have what you desire on demand….. and usually that
means I miss out…… at times when if your
theory is correct, it is proven wrong.
That sore point arose when we came home from the Dandenongs…
and I thought you learned then how selfish you were in that area….. there was a point quite some time ago when I wanted a break,
kept on thinking…not again!!! But always obliged and enjoyed it… I was more experimental
then because I didn’t mind missing out and was turned on by turning you on… now
I get nervous that it will be a couple of weeks before I get another chance….
So to tell you the truth, I liked being sick of it…. I liked getting excited at turning you on and
trying different things for you… you’ll never have your bottom licked
again I am sure!!!!!!
It is not just sex…. It is very
special for us…..
we had so much fun with it for our first 8
months…. Can you imagine having a fight after bonking
in the car park or having a finger up your bottom?????????? … no…..
I didn’t think so and I think it would take me
a week or so, and by then we usually would have had another brilliant
experience….
It might sound shallow, but it is
true.
Be yourself.
Who else is better qualified
It is an endless number of times I
have told you how unique and special you are, how much you have inside, and I
still believe that, through all. I can still see that it exists….. don’t trick me, or play on my love for you. Just let go of what ever you bough back at
xmas….. let me hold all of you, let out what ever without caring or
worrying about consequence. I can deal
with that in case you didn’t know, if you fall apart,
but are in my arms, you can say anything and I’ll comfort you, and forgive what
ever I need to. I will also accept
responsibility for half of us… I am
after all, half, well trying to be… I miss you so much it
hurts, not just form you being in Sydney…
but from last year…..please come
back to me as him, I’ll love Scott any way,
but it would be so much nicer and more comforting and easier if it was that boy
that doted and told me everything, and when he slipped and told a fib, get that
goofy look and say ummmmm, noooooo…. Don’t pretend to be concerned about when you
are not, I’ll except that, but I don’t except pretence. Just love me, and let me feel it……. All I want in the
world is to feel your love and if it is still there
you have been hiding from me. Yours is
the most specialist cutest most wonderful love in the whole entire universe
infinity!!!!!
There is nothing else in the world I need…. I mean that from the deepest
part of my soul..
It gives me life.
Write all your thoughts and arguments
if you want, or tell them and I’ll listen if you have
read all of this. I don’t claim to have
more problems than you do or more arguments than you……… and I won’t take them as
criticism… We need some peace…. We need some fun…… We need some life back in our existence and
are both very capable of achieving that… there is no one else in the world I
want to grow young with….
So lets go
and play again????
My little play up boy…….Its 5am… I hope this
helps and makes sense.
I love you - those three words have my life in
them
