After all the pain we suffered as a family, my parents decided to make a fresh start with their marriage.. We moved from Texas to Oklahoma then which was in 1973. Just my two younger brothers, my parents and me! It was in Oklahoma I met my husband!

I met him through his aunt that lived down the street from us. He had just received his honorable discharge papers from the navy, because he got his divorce final and sole custody of his two children. He had a son age 2 and a daughter age 4 when I met him. We had dated not much during the three months time when I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. I was very scared to think of marriage and his children, because I wasn't sure if I would be a good mother or wife to them. When he finally asked me I accepted and said yes.. We married October 12, 1974!

He worked as a city police officer at this time.. My husband worked as a local police officer during the first year of our marriage. We then bought a small business with living quarters above it. It was a service station..

My husband went to work at our new place and I was home with the two kids packing and getting things ready for the move. I also found out a few weeks before this that I was pregnant. His daughter and I always seemed to have problems with understanding and communicating. She still had memories of her mother, which I never tried to stand between, but she also lived in a fantasy world, hoping that they would get back together and be her mom and dad once again, and for this I really never blamed her for much of her actions with me.. She was very srong willed and determined that she didn't have to mind me because I wasn't her mother, and for this she became rebellious, and accusing me of things I had done to her hoping her dad would believe it and leave me. His son I never really encountered any problems with except the times when his sister put him up to doing things he knew not too, which only got them both in minor trouble such as no tv, or sitting down! He was just like my my very own son, and loved both of these children very much, even though I wasn't their birth mother, I did love them and cared deeply for them!

That Saturday morning of his accident I wasn't feeling to well, I was having some stomach sickness, and trying to finish more packing and feeding the children. The daughter began pestering her brother, causing him to scream out alot, and making things seem more stressful for me. We sat down for a early lunch that day hoping it would settle the two children down. She had finished her her food and asked if she could go and finish watching cartoons, and I told her yes! She left the kitchen and it was just her brother and I.

I can't explain why things happened the way it did that day, because I never once raised a hand to this child, or any other child, But this day I did, I back-handed him across the face causing him to fall. When I reached down to help him up ,, his eyes rolled back up in his head. I new he needed emergency help right then. I called my husband at work and told him about his son, and also told him I felt he needed to be seen by a doctor. After the phone call I gathered both of the children and laid him in the back seat asking his sister to help hold on to him so he wouldn't roll off in the floor. I called my husband back and told him we were at the hospital and the doctor felt he needed more medical treatment that he wasn't equipped for all that this child needed. My husband met me at this hospital as we both rode the ambulance together. My husband's mother came also and took the daughter back home with her till we knew more about the condition of this son.

I told my husband I slapped the boy while he was taking a bath and he slipped and fell and hit hishead, and this was lie. The truth was I did slap him..I back-handed him, which had caused him to fall, but as far as him hitting his head against anything, NO, I don't believe he did. The reason this was so important at the time was because the size of his fracture! The doctors tried proving it was I who caused this afflication upon this child, but what the autopsy report later proved was this fracture was there three to five months prior to his death! Why did I lie?? Because I allowed fear to run through my body and my mind telling me that no one would believe me since I was this child's step parent! I knew better to lie, but at that very moment I honestly felt it was my only hope out!

He was dignosed with a massive skull fracture, and I was being accused of putting it there.. We arrived at the hospital with better care around 2pm that Saturday, and I sat in the room holding his hand and praying all the time! My husband and his family were in the waiting room and when I came out to join them we all sat in silence. We all knew how serious this was and because I was left in his care I was being blamed for this accident. No one of the family actually came out and said it, but the accusation was there, because of my lie, and trying to cover it up!

The brain had fluid on it and the doctors were trying to reduce the swelling of the brain to release the fluid. During this time wait my hubsands family all left and went home leaving only him and me there to sit and wait. The waiting for the swelling was the hardest and longest wait, I've been through. My husband and I would wonder around till finally the hours were growing long and tiring. Then my husband decided to lat down on the sofa in the waiting room, and I went back into my son's room where I began praying and asking for the forgiveness of this pain I brought on this child! I was holding this child's hand when I asked God to take the life of our unborn child for the life being restored to this child.. I even asked God to take me and the unborn child, But God took this little boys life instead. I held his tiny hand as he drew his last breathe, and all I could do was cry and tell him how sorry I was and I did and still do love him! I never meant to cause pain upon this child or any child, but that day I did when I slapped him!

That afternoon after he died and we all left the hospital, we went to my husband's parents home for the night. While we were there all the other brother and sisters to my husband was there waiting also, including other family members.. All I can remember from that point was the phone ringing, and my hubby telling me we needed to go to the station and give our report of this child's death. I was heavily medicated by the doctor from the hospital because of the loss of the child, and me being pregnant.. The doctor was concerned of me miscarrying, and to a point so was I.

We went to the sheriffs department, my husband, and his mother and father, then his daughter and I. I didn't understand why all of us needed to be there, but we were. At first the sheriff spoke to my husbands parents and his daughter, and they gave statements about how I was physcially abusing the children,. Then my husband went in to join them and I was asked to wait till they called me in. Still not knowing what was going on, I had such a bad feeling in me that something wasn't right. When I was asked to go in my husband stood beside me and told me he would see me later, still never having any idea as to what was about ot happen! When I entered the room, then I was abandoned by my husband and his family!! I was asked to give my statement of what happened that day, and if I had abused this child and killed him! I told him no I did not kill this child nor did I abuse him, but he told me I had complaints filed against me stating I was, it was my husband and his parents and his daughter who had just filed them.. I was stunned and very shocked, but most of all I felt totally alone and full of much fear, because when he was finished I was booked and charged with Murder in the first degree.

His funeral was in August of 1975 and I was released from jail for around 1 hour to attend the funeral. I came to my husband and held him, told him how much I loved him, and how sorry I was for this death.

My first trial began in September of 1975. It seemed as though it was around 3 weeks in the trial it's self when my attorney asked for a mis-trial. It was then I was asked to go to the judges chamber with my attorney, and the D.A. with my husband and his mom and daughter. We sat there discussing a few things that was brought up in court from my past that never should of been. And I understand why, because they were trying to make me look to be unstable and harmful, since I came from an abusive background.. They knew there was some abuse but never knew to what extent I suffered.. My life at that moment rested in the hands of my husband's daughter. The judge asked her some simple questions pertaining to her age level, and because she wasn't able to answer them the judge went ahead and granted the mis-trial. Myself I was hoping they would have continued it,,. but my dad and my attorney chose not to.

The judge then re-set my new trial for Feb. of 1976. I gave birth to our son Jan. of 1976, and went to trial for the second time. My charge for murder in the first was reduced to man-slaughter in the second degree. I was sentenced to only one year of probation, no jail time.. The doctors autopsy report that was speaking on my behalf stated this child had this fracture in his skull for three to five months prior to his death. That the slap I gave him is what set it off.. I did not cause the fracture, but I did slap him.. After three years from this sentence and my time served I recieved my governor's pardon..

God never left me through any of this, and all during my time I never once asked Him why.. I just knew He was going to keep me safe. If things would have been different in my first trial, I would of been sentenced with the death sentence. I thank God I wasn't .. I did loose this child to a horrible death, and I may never know exactly what all caused his fracture, But I do know in my heart I didn't kill him as the court tried to prove I did.. After his death and the trials were all over my husband re-newed our marriage vows and we became husband and wife once again, and this point of my life and my marriage I was so utterly confused, and not sure who I was able to trust in my life! To a certain point I did feel betrayed by my hubby, but I also felt what I thought was love from him also. I do believe in some ways he did love me, but I don't feel it was as he did before the death. I did love him, but only with the love I thought I was feeling.

Our marriage began getting bad, mainly because of me becoming more and more distant from everyone. I tried to be a wife to my husband and wasn't able to perform intimately as he wanted of me. I became very cold, and closed off to him. I even made many excuses and denied him from touching me. There were a few times I was able to relax and enjoy being with my husband intimately, but most times I felt as though I was a 5 year laying in bed with a adult who was going to hurt me! Needless to say I got scared when certain things was being done with by body, that I began hurting myself to hide the confusion and shame of not knowing and understanding. I was able to break my bones to hide my past abuse.. I then began beating me and filing reports of break-ins to hide the fact I did the beating to myself. I was taking medication then for being nervous, and all the medications I was on at this time kept me so out of it. I remember once having a stupid disgreement with my husband, that I took one pill after another till they were all gone.. I really wasn't aware of doing this till the bottle was empty.. My husband at this time drove a semi, coast to coast.. He knew I was in one of those crazy moods, and decided to help out my taking our two children with him on the truck. My state of mind was thinking he was taking my kids and running away..

I was wishing for death, because my life never made any sense to me.. Or I just didn't understand it.. While my husband had the kids and I foolishly took my medication God stepped in and kept me from dying.. I was extremely sick and seeing three of everything for two or three days then I finally got focused in clear, and realizing how stupid I was.. Pills and me don't mix to well.. because they are too easy to take, and I don't trust me with them..

I went through my life from age 5 to this point of my marriage feeling much fear of trusting anyone especially my my husband.. I felt if I told him all about my past he would turn it around and use it on me. or against me by having me committed in a mental home.. I learned how to hide my hurt by burying it deep within me and putting on a false face of being happy when all the time I was trully scared of life!

I didn't know what love was, nor could I feel it.. I wasn't showed to know it.. I feared the dark and still do, because of the hands that come to hurt me. I knew the only one person I could only trust was God himself.. but to some point I still couldn't give him all of my trust, even though I grew up in a church, and accepting Jesus as my Saviour when I was nine, I still kept a distance between me.. A wall of security..

 I knew God could help me and take all this pain I suffered away from me. But I myself felt I didn't deserve to be set free because of what I caused others to suffer. I thank Jesus Christ for my friends He has placed in my life now, because through him God speaks to me telling me: HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME JUST AS I AM!! God is my Heavenly Father, my Creator! He made me just as I am! And if God made me, then I'm not junk!

 I always felt I was a disappointment and a misfit to my family's life, from my parents to my husband! I never felt I was good enough to be a part of their life! But I now know God loved me so much He cried out when those who tried to hurt me and were coming against me! God knew my life before I was even born, while I was still just a thought in His mind. He knew my life and all I would go through and HE CHOSE ME to live it because He knew I had the strength to walk it!

God has blessed me with 2 children of our own besides my step daughter and the one I lost through adoption. I now have 7 grandchildren, 9 if you count my first born.. I've learned through it all GOD IS ALWAYS THERE! He is always waiting for you to call out for His help. I knew this when I made the horrible mistake and lied to my husband about his son, and the why it happened. But I know this in my heart, God has given me peace about it now. I'll never know till I get heaven the truth to how this child recieved this fracture. My step daughter who is 31 now, is able to sit and talk about her brother and can finally put closure to his death! My husband and I don't speak of it much, but his picture hangs in my house, because I will never hide nor be ashamed of him. I love this child, I do them both. My husband's mother and I have grown closer and I can love her and finally put closure to our hurt and pains we caused each other. Myfamily, brothers and sisters, and my dad, find it very hard to accept my husband still, because of the charges I had filed against me. But what they don't see and realize is .. my husband was hurting and in much pain also because of the loss of his son!! I know Our Lord God can work and will mend the broken-hearted He has mended mine after all these years!

THANK YOU LORD JESUS CHRIST!!