T&K Presents…
DOJO BROTHER
A RK Fanfiction by Chibi Tenshi and Kirstian
Episode One
<Camera spans a
rundown dojo, before narrowing in on a mysterious figure skulking to the
side.>
Mysterious Figure
#1: (hushed voice) We've all seen and read about the
good, the ugly, the tears, and the animal euphemisms. But what EXACTLY goes on behind the Kamiya
dojo? Is Kaoru really the violent femme she portrays? Is Kenshin more than just
a man with a sakabatou? Is Sano secretly dying for a ménage a trios?
<Rock music
starts playing. Images flash by of all
the RK characters in various poses.>
Commentator: FOX
presents... DOJO Brother!
Mysterious Figure
#2: (sneaks in from nowhere and drags off the other person) Dojo Brother?!
Mysterious Figure
#1: Well I couldn't quite decide which one to do.
Mysterious Figure
#2:
Mysterious Figure
#1: (raises eyebrow) Is there such a thing as a good
reality TV show?
MF #2: Good point.
MF #1: Plus, it IS
a Fox production.
<Doors to the
dojo burst open, and a redhead appears out of nowhere>
Kenshin: (hands
over sakabatou) Be careful, Kaoru-dono. I heard voices.
MF #1: (drags off
MF #2 and jumps behind nearest bushes)
Kaoru: (angry) You know Kenshin, if only you could really be half as
attentive to me as you were to intruders...
Kenshin: Aaa, gomen Kaoru-dono. I was just worried that one of my enemies
from the past...
Kaoru: (waves
hands) Yeah yeah, if it isn't dono this and gozaru
that, it's some enemy from the past. (grumbles) Coming?
MF #1: (whispers) That's a loaded question if I've ever heard one.
<Loud thud can
be heard, followed by a groan of pain.>
Kenshin: (ears
prickling) Did you hear that?
Kaoru: (bats him)
Sometimes, you have to do things by yourself.
MF #2: Man, she IS
as violent in person...
MF #1: (raises
eyebrow) "Do things by yourself", she says...?
MF #2: Like...
laundry.
<Two loud
thuds, followed by giggling, can be heard.>
Kenshin:
(blinking) Did you say something about laundry,
Kaoru-dono?
Kaoru: Mou! Is that all you think about?
Kenshin: Well, it's a very good... stress...
reliever... de gozaru...
MF #1:
(snickering) Yeah, THAT's what it is.
Kaoru: (blinking) Well, you sure take a long time to finish the laundry... are
you alright? I'm not putting you under a
lot of stress, am I? (worriedly)
Kenshin, you can talk to me...
MF #2: (mimicking
Kaoru) Oh, Kenshin, I'll do ANYTHING to make you feel better...
MF #1: If only it
was that easy. You'd think, after ten
years, his self-restraint would be just a BIT weary. Where's the action, I tell you?! I think they need a bit of help, don't
you? What do you say to some
mood-setting?
MF #2: Uh...
like... bow chica bow-wow?
MF #1: (falls
over)
Kaoru: (touches
Kenshin's arm) Are you sure you're okay? You don't need a hand with laundry?
Kenshin: (squeaks)
Sessha will be fine, Kaoru-dono.
Solitary laundry ac-(voice cracks)tion
suits me just fine de gozaru yo! (scrambles off)
MF #1: Do I even
need to comment?
MF #2: (giggles)
MF #1: Look, new
victims - er, contestants on the horizon!
<Camera cuts to
the road running to the dojo where Megumi, Sanosuke, Misao and Aoshi
appear.>
Sanosuke: Ch', I
still don't see why Jou-chan had to send us to get you.
Megumi:
Tori-atama, how rude of you! Misao-san,
don't worry about him. He just doesn't know
how to speak properly to a lady.
MF #1: (looks
around, blinking) Lady? Where?
MF #2: (Striking a
dramatic pose) She must mean us.
Sanosuke: Maybe if
there were some real ones around here, other then kitsune and tanuki and itachi-
Misao:
URUSAI! KANSETSU TOBI KUNAI!
Megumi: (blinking)
She's worse then tanuki-chan.
<All four,
including a silent Aoshi and a slightly-bleeding Sanosuke enter the dojo.>
MF #2: (Rubbing
her hands together.) And the fun begins!
MF #1: Ah-ah-ah,
not quite yet. There's still one last
thing that we need to take care of.
Scene change: The
Tokyo Police Department.
<MF #1 and #2
crouch beside the building.>
MF #2: (Whines)
But I don't want to irritate him! Why do
I have to do it?! He'll gatotsu me or something... (glares) And not in a sexual way, either!
MF #1: You were
THAT close to getting me to trade places with you... but there's much to do,
and so little time! And I'm still
waiting for a reply from Hiko, too!
MF #2: Reply?
MF #1: Well, I had
to get him down here SOMEHOW. So I sent
him a letter from us that said there was a wild party going on at the dojo.
MF #2: (Frowns) You really think he'll come for a party?
MF #1: Well,
replace 'us' with the penname 'Meiji Babes' and 'party' with 'orgy'.
MF #2: (face vaults)
MF #1: Anyway, at
the very least it'll get us Okina. It'll be good for the senior
demographics. Just think er Rudy in Survivor! He appealed to the old cranky bastards
in our... oh shit! Is that tape still running? (jump
kicks it)
<static runs before another camera shot is shown>
MF #2: (whines) Why does
she get to accost Enishi? I get to distract-
<smoke materializes out of nowhere>
Saitoh: Give me
one reason why I shouldn't gatotsu you right here and
now.
MF #2: (grumbles)
Oh man, this could be soooo good if he didn't
actually mean it - literally. (puts on best puppy dog face) Saitoh-san...
Saitoh: How do you
know of my other name?
MF #2: Oh crap!
<Dramatic music cuts in>
<Camera pans
over to a figure crawling on the ground>
MF #2: Er... ahh! Other scene other
scene you moron!! (hurls tree at camera man)
<static>
<New scene of
dark gloomy prison area>
Voice: Just let me
die...
Other voice: Now
you know that's just not possible.
Voice: Please!
This is beyond torture!
Other voice:
Surely you exaggerate.
MF #1: Have you
seen the conditions of my clothes?! Forced to crawl around like this in some
dingy prison to rescue some ba- hey hey hey!
Other voice:
(scowls as he steps up to the light which bounces off his white hair and blinds
a half dozen other prisoners) It hasn't been paradise here you know.
MF #1: Well that's
what I'm here for!
Enishi: (smirks) Not interested.
MF #1: Not like
that, idiot. Not like you would want it
from anyone other than onee-hey hey hey! (sweatdrops)
I hear there's this wicked er ah party going on at
this dojo. Apparently, there are quite a
few dark hair and dark eyed chicks with little to no expression.
Enishi: (perks up)
Really?
MF #1: (bobs her
head up and down) Hai hai! Ikimasuyo? (or something like that LOL)
Enishi: (follows
like a lapdog)
<Scene switches
back to MF #2 backing against the wall>
MF #2: Say er, I hear there's this party at the dojo...
Saitoh: (halts
blade) What?
MF #2: WIIIIILD
party! Filled with Meiji babes!
Saitoh: Ahou, what the hell are you talking about?
MF #2: Okay, maybe
Meiji babes aren't your style. How about
some gaijin ones with some huge...
Saitoh: (narrows
eyes) You annoy me.
MF #2: (mumbles) It could be worse. I
could turn you on...
MF #1: It might be
his idea of foreplay you know (waggles eyebrows lecherously)
Saitoh: Now who
the hell are you?
MF #2: (groans) That was smart there, ahou.
MF #1: Now you're
picking up all his bad habits?
Enishi: (whines) You promised me frigid babes...
Saitoh: Trying to
free a prisoner? (pulls out sword)
MF #1:
(wolf-whistles) Man, that's so appropriate (pats self on the back)
MF #2: This is
totally unfair! Why did we send ME after
Saitoh again? Remind me? Oh, yeah, it was... that you WANT me to get
skewered?!
MF #1: Well, you
sure as hell weren't getting any from rurouni boy over-
<Loud crash
ensues. When the dust clears, MF #2 has
effectively tree'ed everyone in the vicinity.)
MF #2: THAT'S NOT
WHAT I MEANT! (Grabs MF #1 and Enishi)
If you want him, Saitoh-san, you're gunna have to come and get him! (Sticks out her tongue and runs for her life
back to the dojo)
<Scene
switches to the Kamiya Dojo.>
MF #1: Well, that
was interesting. Where DO you keep those
trees?
MF #2: (Busy
trying to find a good hiding place from Saitoh) Ever seen 'Evil Dead'?
MF #1: ... that's
just nasty.
MF #2: IT WAS A
JOKE!!
Enishi: What was?
MF #2: Gah! Didn't you tell
him to go inside?!
MF #1: He doesn't
believe me about dark-haired dark-eyed expression-less chicks, so I think he's
planning on Jinchuu'ing us now.
MF #2: ... wait, in a
sexual sense, or not?
<Both look over
at Enishi, who's already running off towards the dojo.>
MF #2: I think we
scared him.
MF #1: Us? Scare the guy that sees his dead sister?
MF #2: ...
wouldn't be the first time, would it?
MF #1: (Nodding
sagely.) True, very true - hey, what's that?!
<Crash bang
boom - and the dust clears at the steps of the dojo, where Enishi's been
tackled by Jiya and Hiko, who were hiding in the bushes.>
Jiya: Oh preeetty giiiirl~!
Hiko: (Taking
another swig of his sake.) Pah, that's so sad I'm not even gonna comment on it.
MF #1: (stage
whisper) You think he's talking about Jiya? Or himself?
Hiko: (narrows
eyes) I heard that little girl...
MF #1: (gulps and
makes herself scarce)
Hiko: (strolls in,
cape blowing in the breeze, sake jug balanced on his head with two tubes
feeding into his mouth) Now, where is my orgy?
MF #2: (nudges MF
#1) It was your idea!
MF #1: (screeches)
Me?!
Kenshin: Hiten...
Hiko: (intercepts
Kenshin and thwacks him with his cape) Oh no you don't baka
deshi. You are not ruining my
orgy for me.
Kenshin: (looks up
swirly-eyed) Shishou?
Hiko: (rolls eyes)
Every time it's Shishou this, oro that and de gozarus...
Kaoru: That's
exactly what I've been saying all along!
Hiko: (looks at
her) Hmm, a little flat up front but with a bit more
sake...
Kaoru: (screeches)
WHAT?! (jump kicks him)
Jiya: (nosebleeds
from the bird's eye view he got)
Kaoru: (turns beet
red) Kenshin!!! (screams)
Kenshin: (jolts up
like the dead) Kaoru-dono!
MF #1: (taps
finger on chin thoughtfully) You know, that's so...
MF #2: (puffs from
a pipe) ... sexual?
Saitoh: (Appears
behind them and takes the pipe.) More pathetically disgusting.
MF #2: HOLY! (Screams and runs)
MF #1: Are you
here to... (seductively) gatotsu-
MF #2: (Runs back
and grabs MF #1) Now is _SO_ not the time!
We still have to introduce everyone and it's halfway through the show...
they're supposed to be hitting it off by now!
MF #1: Did you see
Jiya and Kaoru? Or how
about Kenshin and Hiko? I think
they're hitting it off perfectly fine.
But, what's most important, what about me and
Saitoh?
MF #2: You know
the network people aren't paying us for running around causing havoc. (is reminded by #1
that the network people aren't paying them at all.) Those bastards!
MF #1: Well, we DO
do this in our spare time.
MF #2: That's not
the point! You introduce, I'll go get all the technical stuff ready. Damned executives at FOX, I'll show you...
(Goes off in a huff)
MF #1: Well, while
my co-host goes off to finish the last few details - eh ah... (Pauses for a moment as the land shifts) ... imouto-chan?
MF #2: (From the
massive air transport that's suddenly appeared behind the camera) Ah, so
sorry! I'm not used to the gear shift...
MF #1: (Sweatdrops as she gets into the transport) Do you even have
your driver's liscense - wait, I don't want to
know. Where are we going?
<The air
transport turns on and lifts into the air.>
MF #2: (Over the
sound of jet engines) Well, we have to take this place
to an island, like Survivor.
MF #1: But it's
Dojo Brother!
MF #2: Well, how
about, Survivor 93,163,617,377,321,532,631,416,310 (gasps for air) : Dojo Brother?
MF #1: ... wasn't
it 93,163,617,377,321,532,631,416,311?
MF #2: (Glares.)
MF #1: I'm sure it
was-
MF #2: Say that
again and the trip gets rough.
MF #1: Alright!
(Turns back to the camera) Welcome to Survivor 93,163,617,377,321,532,631,416,310
(under her breath) plus one - Dojo Brother!
I'm your host Tenshi, and this
is my cohost, Kirstian - but let's meet the
contestants!
<The camera
shot changes from the air transport lifting the dojo out of the ground as
Kirstian whistles happily, to a shot of the rather confused looking dojo
occupants.>
Tenshi: (voice over) We
have quite an interesting cast this time, QUITE unlike the last few. Boring old farts and
rebellious teenagers - no offense.
Kirstian: None
taken.
Tenshi: This season, we have Himura Kenshin and
Kamiya Kaoru, Takani Megumi and Sagara Sanosuke, Makimachi
Misao and Shinomori Aoshi - and then Saitoh Hajime, Yukishiro
Enishi, Hiko Seijurou and Kashiwazaki Nenji, commonly known as Jiya.
Kirstian: So, the
guy to girl ratio is like, seven to three... heh heh.
Tenshi: Oh yes.
This will be interesting.
<Scene
cuts to images of Kenshin doing laundry (real, honest laundry), making dinner,
doing chores.>
Tenshi: (voice over) Our
first contestant is Himura Kenshin, formally known as hitokiri Battousai.
Kirstian: (quips) Presently known as Kaoru's bitch.
<Images
of Kenshin getting punched, kicked, and generally beaten around by Kaoru flash
across the screen.>
Tenshi: (snickers) Nevermind to
his laundry whims. Twenty-eight years
old, trying to atone for his sins that he committed as that dead-sexy
Battousai, enjoys chores that only require one hand, and his sakabatou... what
else?
Kirstian: You
forgot to say he was Kaoru's bitch.
Tenshi: ... next case.
<Scene
switches to images of Kaoru.>
Tenshi:
Kamiya Kaoru. A young, untainted
girl just reaching adulthood - what more could any old perverted men want?
<Pictures of
Hiko and Jiya pass by the screen under a posing Kaoru.>
Kirstian: Age,
seventeen. Turn ons? Red-headed ex-hitokiri
rurounis that can cook. Turn
offs? Anyone else. Said to resembles a
tanuki.
<An image of a racoon is superimposed over Kaoru while question marks
float around the screen.>
Tenshi: Seperated at
birth? You be the judge. Next on the food chain, the
fox - or Takani Megumi.
<Images of the
doctor pass by.>
Tenshi: Witty, sharp-tongued, clever - these are
all words that could be used to describe the lady doctor.
Kirstian:
(offside) I prefer bitch.
<Both pause and
look around in confusion, the camera shrugging, before realization dawns.>
Kirstian: Oh yeah,
this is FOX, so we can still swear!!
Sweet deal! (Goes on the
background singing swears as she weaves the air transport and the dojo through
the skies.)
Tenshi: … er, well
then. Takani Megumi - is she really in
love with Kenshin, as she says she is, or is there something going on with
Sanosuke?
Kirstian: (sings
extra loud) Sluuuuuuu-uuuuuuut!
Tenshi: And now a few steps DOWN on the food
chair, Sagara Sanosuke.
<An image of a
rooster appears.>
Kirstian: Wow,
that's a nice picture of him. I never
noticed the beak before.
<The image
switches to Sanosuke after a moment of shuffling.>
Tenshi: This strapping young poultry product is
an ex-gangster who never pays his tabs, so look out, all you eligible hens out
there.
Kirstian:
(Slapping her knees) Poultry! Hens! I get it!
And on go the animal references with Misao!
<Image changes
to one of a weasel superimposed over Misao's face.>
Tenshi: Young, spunky, full of energy and-
Kirstian: -damned
annoying!
Tenshi: Didn't your mother teach you if you don't
have anything nice to say-
Kirstian: - it's
because the other person is obviously a jerk.
(Nods resolutely.)
Tenshi: (Blinks) I'd argue, but… it's so
true. Anyway, (turns back to the camera)
this young whippersnapping ninja girl has had a thing
for her okashira ever since she was learning how to
throw her first kunai - and so we come to Shinomori Aoshi.
<An image of
Aoshi appears. Tenshi
and Kirstian are silent; the image doesn't change. An eerie wind whistles somewhere. Kirstian coughs. The image changes to a
wolf.>
Kirstian: So we're
back to the animals already. (Shakes her head sadly.)
<Image of
Saitoh appears.>
Tenshi: (howls) Saitoh Hajime! The man you'd love to hate and make wild
doggie-style… (Catches Kirstian's glance) … er, well, ex-shinsengumi,
chain-smoking, currently one Fujita Goro. Married to Tokio, although no one knows who she is - quite a mystery.
Kirstian:
(whistles the X-Files theme) Which really suits the
next contestant, Yukishiro Enishi.
<Images of
Enishi float by.>
Kirstian:
Psychotic, hallucinatory, there's probably some schizophrenia in his family
somewhere. His sister had SOME sort of
condition, for sure. Would
probably explain the white hair, too.
<Camera zooms
in on Kirstian's white hair - and then her foot in
the lens.>
Tenshi: (to the camera man.) That was just
uncalled for. Next up,
Hiko Seijurou.
<Image of red
appears.>
Tenshi: … (coughs) Zoom
out.
<Image pulls
back away from Hiko's cape.>
Tenshi: … better.
<Image
of Hiko's shack in the mountains, full of empty sake bottles.>
Kirstian: (whines)
And he never shares!
And last, but not least...
<Image of Jiya
making kissy faces at the camera goes on screen.>
Kirstian: … how'd
you like to wake up next to that in the morning?
Tenshi: How much would you have to have DRANK the
night before to wake up next to that in the morning?
Kirstian:
(offhand) Probably all that sake that Hiko had.
<Both pause and
look at each other before gagging.>
Tenshi: Now THAT was a mental image I didn't
need. Oh, here we go, why don't you set
it down on that little island over there?
Kirstian: Sounds
like a plan! Down we go!! (Hits a button.)
<The
air transport and the dojo freefall onto the island, sending sand everywhere. And as the sand settles…>
Kirstian:
(Unfazed, unlike Tenshi and the camera) Woohoo! Let's
do that again!
Tenshi: (face down, mouth full of sand mutters
incoherently)
Kirstian: I could
comment but…
Tenshi: (spits out sand) Help
me up!
<Loud banging
sounds can be heard>
Kirstian: (not
hearing anything) So, we’re here on some sunny
island. I think it’s cannibal-free,
though seeing that it is a Fox production, anything goes!
Tenshi: (gargling with Listerine Mouthwash,
flashes shiny white teeth and chilling breath while holding up brand new
Winter/Mint/Green bottle) And even after 2000 flush-es err… wait… wrong commercial?
Kirstian: While
we’re here for 4 months…
Tenshi: Four months?!
Kirstian: There
will be cameras everywhere…
Tenshi: Everywhere?!
Kiristian: (irritated) Must
you repeat everything I say? And though the cast will be hunting for food, the
rest will be enjoying a choice buffet from a four star resort hotel right
behind them.
Tenshi: Is there AC?
Kirstian: YES!
Tenshi: (whoops for joy)
Kirstian: Here’s
how it works.
<More banging
is heard, along with muffled sounds>
Kirstian: We’re going to throw them all in a hut, and
lock them up.
Tenshi: Hmm, I think we might make Hiko’s wish
come true…
Kirstian: There
will be NO alcohol whatsoever…
<Loud groan
comes from the transport, accompanied by violent fist and katana banging
against metal>
Kirstian: They’ll be forced to interact with each
other, and the girls will indulge in some mid-afternoon mud-wrestling…
<Men whoop for
joy, including a muffled Oro>
Tenshi: (mutters) Gratuitous Fox sexist…
Kirstian: … and the men will
bathe in waterfalls…
Tenshi: (gets bright and shiny eyed) Really?!
Kirstian: …
somewhere in between, they will have to go hunt for food, while participating
in some spontaneous activities…
<Silence from
within the transport, before loud cheers from men erupt>
Tenshi: (flings a tree at the transport) IDIOTS!
Kirstian: (raises
her brow) And you ask me where trees come from…
Tenshi: (grins)
Kirstian: Anyway,
they’ll get to win some (waggles eyebrows) prizes in the form of hot tub
action…
Tenshi: (coughs) PG rating…
Kirstian: …
backrubs… you think we’ve made it trashy enough yet?
Tenshi: I’ll think of something…
<Rock music
starts playing>
Tenshi: (slaps hand on forehead) Shit! We ran out
of time already?
Kirstian: It might
help if we actually had scripts …
Tenshi: You’re assuming we had a budget… (looks at camera) Stay tuned next episode when we actually
let the animals … er cast out of the transport!
Kirstian: Until
then, keep your eye out on our latest Fox production, American Stripper!
Tenshi: (blinks) Men AND women?
Kirstian: Yup.
<cloud of smoke trails behind where Tenshi
used to stand>
END OF EPISODE ONE