T&K
Presents…
DOJO BROTHER
A RK Fanfiction by Chibi Tenshi
and Kirstian
Episode Two
<Cheesy rock music blares. Half naked bodies flash across in psychedelic colours.>
Kirstian: (holds microphone and attempts to look serious) In last week’s episode, we were introduced to the cast. <silence> Er, that was it really. Then we kidnapped them to some island, where they’ll be hot, sweaty bodies pit against each other.
Tenshi: You know, it occurs to me… why is this called Dojo Brother when it’s on an ….?
<New title flashes across the screen:
Kirstian and Tenshi: (smack their hands on their foreheads)
Tenshi: How the heck are we supposed to get anything done when we have Fox tampering with our stuff every two seconds? (realizes there’s a camera pointed at her face) Hey hey! Welcome to our super hot, super happening show, where lots of wild things are going to happen.
Kirstian: (gives Tenshi a suspicious look) Wild things?
Tenshi: (nods) Lots of wild… (waggles eyebrows) action.
<Audience goes “Wooooooo”>
Kirstian: (looks around) Where did they come from?
Tenshi: (scratches head) I have NO idea…
<Audience is thrown off island.>
Kirstian: Anyway, back to Do… err Island Brother. We have our stars… (looks around) Where IS our cast?!
Tenshi: (somehow pushes out transport plane) Right here behind Door Number 1!
Kirstian: (looks at her strangely) Er, nobody’s winning them you know.
Tenshi: (sweatdrops and shows some leg)
Fox producers: (from nowhere) CUT THAT CUT THAT!!! ARGH, don’t blind the audience!!
Tenshi: (punts them all)
Kirstian: (sweatdrops) Okaaaaaaaay… back to the show! (bang on transport door)
<Creaking sound of metal door opening>
Tenshi: (peers inside) It looks like action’s been happening INSIDE the transport.
<New title flashes by: TRANSPORT Brother>
<Title guy gets fired>
<Title flashes by again:
<Camera shows lovely island view, minus the crocodiles swimming in the outskirts, before panning into a particularly disheveled group>
Kaoru: (tugs at her gi) Mou, it’s hot here… and where are we anyway??
Tenshi: (from behind a bush whispers) We have Kamiya Kaoru, shihondai at the Kamiya Dojo, still a virgin…
Kenshin: (looks around suspiciously for mysterious figures and tries to hunt the voice) That big metal thing captured us…
Kirstian: (head poking up from the water whispers) Himura Kenshin, undersexed former hitokiri-Battousai, possibly looking to get some from the young shihondai…
Sanosuke: (from up a coconut tree, screams) What was that big huge thing?!?!??!?!
Tenshi: (hiding behind a banana leaf whispers) Sagara Sanosuke… he used to be a gangster. I swear.
Kenshin: (darts around everywhere) Be quiet, everyone. I’m hearing voices.
Kaoru: (rolls eyes) And I see dead people. (Breath appears for no reason)
Kirstian: (falls over) Man, that was terrible. (scrambles off as the abominable Aoshi nearly finds her)
Aoshi: (narrows eyes, and stands all bishonen-like) …
Tenshi: (disguised with feathers, whispers) Shinomori Aoshi. His nickname is Verbal. Really. Possibly undersexed as well…
Misao: (runs up and clamps onto Aoshi) My Aoshi-sama, a deserted island… what
could be better?!
Kirstian: (hiding underneath an unsuspecting turtle's shell) Makimachi Misao - and now you know why Aoshi's undersexed. Can you say under the age of consent?
Megumi: (flipping her hair as she primly steps out of the transport)
Tenshi: (gapes at her between cacti) Lookit that tramp!!!
Kirstian: (head
pokes up from the ground) Nee-chan! (blinks as she
realizes what she's looking at)
Megumi: Ohohohohoho!!!
<Cast is
scandalized, and a few men, who shall remain nameless (coughSanocoughKenshin) are
violently nosebleeding>
Kirstian:
(points her finger) SLUT!
Tenshi: Imouto-chan! Such
language… skanky ho!! Put some clothes on!!!
Megumi:
(prances around in a bikini)
Kirstian:
(whispers) Where'd she get that from anyway?
Kaoru: (bawling
as she beats Kenshin with random coconuts) Kenshin no HENTAI!!!
Sano: (throws
some coins over) Take it all off!!!!
<Kirstian
and Tenshi turn around and punt him back into the
transport>
Tenshi: (annoyed) Who do
you think?? (points upwards)
Kirstian: FOX… pah.
<Audience
boos>
Tenshi: (narrows eyes) Didn't we boot you off the
island already?
<Audience
whines>
Tenshi: (rolls her eyes) Bunch of annoying
bastards... this isn’t in our budget, you know.
FOX is only paying us so much... (notices
Kirstian scrambling around in the transport and blinks) What’s that you got
there, imouto-chan?
<Various
clangs and bangs and eruptions are heard, levelling part of the transport and
making Sanosuke scream about demons in the belly of the machine-thing and how
this is FAR worse then a train, and then Kirstian comes out with a strange
firearm of some sort on her shoulder.
Vash from Trigun runs out after her with, strangely, an arm missing.>
Vash: BITCH!!!
Kirstian:
(swinging around blindly until the Angel Arm points to the audience) Now, how
do I make this work...
<Audience
screams in terror.>
Kirstian: Maybe
if I push this...
<Audience ducks and cries and recites Psalm 23:4>
Tenshi: (warily watching the cannon when something clicks) Wait, doesn’t FOX depend on an audience to, you know, what their stuff?
Kirstian: I guess… all the more reason! DAMN THE MAN!
Vash: Damn me?
Tenshi: … how about shoot you?
Kirstian: Yay for destructive tendencies! (runs off chasing Vash with his own arm)
Tenshi: Ah, they grow so quickly… (wipes a tear away) Ah, imouto-chan, watch out for-
Kirstian: (runs into Saitoh and then turns and looks matter-of-factly at the camera.) Saitoh Hajime. Tall, dark, and incredibly scary. Now, I turn back to await my death. (turns back to Saitoh)
Saitoh: … is that firearm liscensed?
Tenshi: (whistles) Hey, Saitoh, is that a sword or are you just happy to see me?
Saitoh: It’s a sword.
Tenshi: ... 'least it's mighty long (waggles eyebrows)
Jiya: I have a sword too!
<Everyone covers their eyes as the women scream and the children cry.>
Hiko: My sword is greater then all of your’s. It’s so hard I can hang sake from it.
Tenshi: (Plugging her ears and talking loudly to the camera over Hiko) Oh god… Kashiwazaki Nenji, or Jiya, perverted, desperate, and decrepit.
Hiko: (talking over Tenshi) What? I’ll have you know it’s made of the finest wood out there.
Kirstian: (hiding behind the camera) My virgin ears… Hiko Seijurou, ego-extroidanaire and sword master…
Hiko: Damn straight. I always said, you must master your sword as a fisherman masters bait.
Kirstian: (cries as FOX pays off ‘Undergrads’ script writers) Hey, wait, where’d nee-chan go?
<Meanwhile….>
Enishi: Oneesan… oneesan! Where are you? Why won’t you smile for me?
Tenshi: (Adjusting the black wig as the camera crew snickers) You guys shut up, or I’ll sic Kirstian on you, and she’ll call Steve Irwin. And you know what he does. (Crew falls deathly silent. She turns and talks to the camera, practicing her non-smile) Yukishiro Enishi. Traumatized by the death of his only sister, almost fifteen years later he still wakes up from wet dreams - I mean, terrible nightmares of the tragic event.
Enishi: It’s all that bastard Battousai’s fault… if he hadn’t… (sniffles) … if he hadn’t…
Tenshi-in-wig-and-not-smiling: (steps out into his path) … carved me up like a thanksgiving turkey?
Enishi: All those slices everywhere… white meat…
Tenshi-in-wig-and-not-smiling: *nods and in a dramatic voice* That day... it rained blood... well, gushing blood and guts and everything, you know. It wasn’t pretty.
Enishi: Like cranberry sauce and stuffing… I mean, ONEESAN!!!
Tenshi-in-wig-and-not-smiling: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
Enishi: But your name is really Tomoe.
Tenshi-in-wig-and-not-smiling: … just get over here and give sis a nice big hug. I’ve come all the way from the world of the dead just to grope- er GREET you!
Enishi: Neesan wants to grope ME!? O.O
Tenshi-in-wig-and-not-smiling: Er, no... hug. *non-smile* Hug... come here not-so-little bro...
Enishi: (mumbles) SCORE! (resumes normal face, whatever that is and moves over for a hug)
<Camera zooms in. Love boat music starts playing>
Tenshi: (kicks the cameras) Listen! This is a private moment! Back off!!!
Enishi: (nods) Yeah!
<Love boat music is interrupted when Kirstian changes the tape to porn music.>
Kirstian: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Tenshi-in-wig-and-smiling: (mutters) SCORE!
Enishi: Neechan? Neechan, why are you… neechan… (Awe and fear in his voice) … you’re… you’re smiling… (Twitches and seizures.)
Tenshi: (Pulls off the wig.) Dammit! And I was THAAAAAAT close…
Kirstian: Well, all the better to grope him.
Tenshi: (Ponders and then looks to the camera.) Alright, alright, nothing to see here folks. Move along! I’ll bring Enishi along in a second or two… yeah… that’s right…
<Dejected sigh from everyone as they leave, and they go to take the music away.>
Tenshi: Er, you can leave that, though!
<Later… MUCH later…>
Enishi: (strolls in, hands in pockets, and whistling) Hey guys!
Everyone: (stops to gape at him)
Kenshin: (jaw falls) Enishi-dono?!
Enishi: (slaps him on the back) Been a while, bud.
Kenshin: Bud-dono?!
Tenshi: (strolls in with a smile) Yo!
Kaoru: (looks at her enviously) I want your secret!
Tenshi: For $5000 I'll tell you.
Megumi: Only?! I'll double that!
Tenshi: Listen, Slo-Ho, you ain't getting anything.
<Audience goes "Woooooooooooo" and then “AAAAAAAAH!” as Kirstian runs at them with another firearm which Saitoh has just finished liscensing.>
Sano: (yells out) Cat fight!!!! $50 on the chick who just got some!!!!
<Tenshi and Megumi are about to kill each other when the FOX voice sounds.>
FOX: TENSHI! KIRSTIAN!
Everyone Minus Tenshi, Kirstian, and Sano, who’s waving at the voice that helped him in the forest that one time: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
Enishi: THE VOICE OF GOD HAS SPOKEN!
Tenshi: We have sinned!
Kirstian: I think that blame lies solely on you and Enishi, neechan…
Tenshi: Quiet, you.
FOX: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO INTERACT WITH THE CAST!
Kirstian: Make it stop yelling at me!!!!
Tenshi: Damn it… fine, fine, fine, you greedy bastards… (leans over and gives Enishi her hotel room number as Kirstian tries to shoot the FOX voice, which just laughs at her.)
Tenshi: (giggles as Enishi starts whispering in her ear)
Fox Voice: YOU TWO!!!!!
Tenshi: (falls to her knees) Okay okay!!! I'm repenting... Oh gee, won't you look at the time...
<Rock music starts playing.>
Tenshi: (taps at her watch) And we're out of it!
Kirstian: Neechan... (has Vash in a strangehold)
Vash: (wheezes) Help... (gasps) Need... aiiiiiirrr....
Hiko: Aren't WE supposed to be the stars of the show, and not THEM? I demand contract negotiations!!!!
Rest of cast: YEAH!!! Damnit, we want air time!!!
Fox Voice: Hey! Relax... next episode it'll be all about you, RIGHT GIRLS?? (booming voice at the end)
Tenshi: (grumble grumble) RIGHT (grumble) you SOBs (grumble) So! Let’s say goodbye to our contestants as our crew rounds up the livestock…
<Crew are herding the RK cast towards the deserted part of the island with tazers.>
Tenshi: … and we’ll see you next time!
Enishi: And I’ll see you later tonight!
Tenshi: Oh, you!
FOX: STOP THAT!
Kirstian: (Shooting into the air wildly) The voices, won’t SOMEBODY STOP THE VOICES?!!?
END OF
EPISODE TWO