Be Careful What You Wish For

A Rurouni Kenshin fanfiction

By Chibi Tenshi and Kirstian

Chapter Thirteen

"B-but how do I fix it?!" Kaoru screamed. "I don't even know what I did!!"

The three disappeared, though, with another explosion, and when Kaoru moved her hand away from her eyes, the light had gone, the forest dark and silent again.

As if from out of nowhere, Kenshin rose up and slid his arms around Kaoru’s waist, nuzzling her neck. “You were wishing for sessha?”

She pretended she didn’t feel that sakabatou against her again. Cheeks furiously red, Kaoru fumed, “Ah!! What I wouldn’t give for a manual… or a massage,” which of course was the wrong thing to say to a group of people lusting after you.

Amidst misdirected grabs and screams and wallops and all sorts of noises, Kaoru finally emerged, huffing and puffing. She clenched her fists and shook them up at the sky. “You know, not to be ungrateful, but there is such a thing as being TOO desirable!!”

She looked upward expectantly, and stomped on a few more hands and offered them more views of yukata paradise. “This is HELL here! I mean, even the dead have risen to confront me about it. And I’m getting pawed at by fishy-boy, Boy Wonder, Sir Howl-A-Lot, and just about all of Tokyo.”

Misao jumped up and latched on to her. “What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

That was about all she got to say before she got a fist that sent her flying back home.

“And me?” Tae rubbed against her suggestively, only to get the same treatment.

Kaoru was about to scream again when a paper came hurtling from the skies and knocked her over. Kenshin immediately appeared by her side, trying desperately not to cop a cheap feel as he made sure that Kaoru was okay.

“Kaoru-love?” Amethyst eyes shone with worry as Kaoru’s vision was flooded with the paper. "Are you alright? What does it say?"

Rubbing her head, she sat up and blinked a few times, the note falling to her lap. His hands held her shoulders gently as she tried to clear her head, not used to being knocked flat on her back by paper of all things. "I don't know," she replied, wrinkling her nose and picking up the sheet after hitting his hands away. "I can't read it. It's too dark."

A match fizzed behind her and, leaning over her shoulder, Saitoh ran the small fire over the words, allowing her to read. In huge, coloured letters, the letter-head read, "FOX Entertainment Group, Inc."

Glancing behind her, Kaoru watched Saitoh for a moment to make sure he wasn't about to pull anything, and then began reading aloud.

"Dear Misses Kamiya Kaoru..."

Kenshing grumbled about someone stealing his -dono, but she continued anyway.

"We, the producers at FOX and of the newest reality television program, "Be Careful What You Wish For", have been reviewing the progress of the current situation and the viewer opinions and ratings." Blinking, she frowned and looked to Kenshin. "'Viewer opinions'?" He shrugged, though, and she turned back to the letter, continuing. "In an overwhelming percentage of our surveys, we have found that while the show appeals very well to the demographics of the elderly, the unemployed, fans of Japanese Animation…" Squinting, she added, "they have 'nerds' crossed out… and the minions of Hell…"

"That would explain Shishio-san's frustration," Soujirou quipped happily.

"… but, while it exceeds expectations in these areas, the show lacks response from the teenage to mid-aged men and women, one of our biggest groups of viewers." Stopping, Kaoru looked up and around her, at the various ages of both men and women, ranging from 16 to Hiko.

"Hey," he said, turning his chip up, "I still look younger then that chain-smoking freak of the law over there."

"Sessha doesn't think this 'FOX' knows what he's talking about." Sliding one arm around her shoulders, Kenshin leaned in and nuzzled her neck. "Sessha, for one, is quite enthralled by you."

While she argued with herself on whether to hit him into those 1980's that Yumi had been talking about or just give into him, Kenshin managed to steal the letter away from her with his free hand.

Clearing his throat and taking another lit match from Saitoh, the last having gone out, Kenshin continued reading.

"Since this show is just on it's first few pilot episodes," he began, "it's very important to try to hook in as many unsuspecting viewers… victims is also crossed out… hook in as many unsuspecting viewers as is possible. The executives at FOX have discussed this, and, in our years of broadcasting, we have found that one thing is best to draw in the younger and middle-aged viewers. In order to keep this show on the air, as we're sure you'd like, we would like you… would like you to…"

Kenshin trailed off, and in the dying light of the match, Kaoru could see his eyes widen. "What? What does this FOX want me to do?"

The match went out, and she frowned, seeing the faint golden glow of his eyes even in the dark of night.

"… Kaoru-love, sessha thinks it would be best to listen to 'FOX'. He seems to know what he's talking about de gozaru yo…"

"What does FOX want, Kenshin," she glared, stalking towards him to snatch the paper back. Dodging, he chuckled and then glanced over the paper again. "Kenshin," she snarled, "what does FOX want?"

"Well, they seem to want you to… in their words… show some more skin."

The hush of the forest was broken by a few thousand cheering voices as hands went up in agreement.

Her last nerve snapping, she lunged forward and knocked Kenshin onto his back, grabbing the paper from him and snatching the matches from Saitoh. Peering close at the letter and lighting another match, Kaoru snarled, "what, like shorten the skirt on my kimono by an inch or two? Less sleeves?"

"Something like that," Kenshin added as Kaoru read the letter over.

In the faint light of the match, the look Kaoru's face took on was absolutely demonic as she read aloud in a horrifying angry voice, "using a certain episode of Big Brother 3… we would like you to…"

Kenshin grinned as she trailed off. "Sessha thinks you would look wonderful."

"What, in what, in what?" The group of people asked, crowding in, and Saitoh reached over and took the letter out of Kaoru's frozen hands.

Coughing, he read over, before raising a brow. "… 'a whipped-cream bikini'."

The woods were silent for a moment, before Tae mumbled, "well, I have the whipped cream."

If she had been worrying about being too tired to punch any longer, Kaoru proved to herself that there were no limits she couldn't overcome; in a few minutes, she had leveled the entire two cities that had chased after her, nevermind the entire forest. Screaming, she grabbed the paper from a now comatised Saitoh and raised her fists to the air.

"FOX, OR WHATEVER YOU ARE," she hollered, "HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR STUPID DEMOGRAPHICS!!!" The paper, torn between her fingers, fluttered in pieces down to the ground of bodies, and Kaoru roared, "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT, OR WHAT YOU THINK, AND I NEVER WILL, and I will NOT, I repeat, NOT, WEAR A WHIPPED-CREAM BIKINI!!!"

She was still catching her breath when another paper knocked her off her feet. Enraged, she grabbed it and was about to rip it up, when the sun shone over the horizon and a beam of light hit the words on it.

Frowning, she blinked at it a few times, before a huge grin split over her face, and read aloud joyously, "Fine, then, be that way. You're fired. Consider your wish ungranted."

***********

"You know," someone grumbled, "I'm still young enough to claim peer-pressure, so this could all be your fault."

"You're the one that made Sanosuke put fish-sauce in his hair," a second person retorted as they approached a huge set of ominous-looking wood doors. "Nevermind that Thriller bit. What was up with that!?"

"I hadn't had any sleep for, like, a month," the first screamed back.

"Excuse me, ladies," the receptionist interrupted politely, drawing their attention. "Do you have an appointment?"

"They called us up here to discuss our pilot," they both replied simultaneously.

"Oh… that." The receptionist's voice sounded a bit less polite now, having realized what they were in for. "Go on in."

The huge doors swung open slowly, creaking loudly and generally being very scary-like.

"We're so dead," the first girl whimpered.

"Don't look them in the eye," the second whispered. "And if all fails, I don't expect you to save me. You're too young to see all the horror and bloodshed of FOX."

"You're not serious," she cried.

"Well, not completely," the second admitted as they stepped inside into the shadows, the doors swinging shut behind them loudly, an eerie sense of finality hanging in the air. "I'd expect you to save my shoes. Did you know I got these on sale?"

"LADIES," the voice as terrible and frightening as Satan himself boomed around in the dark, and the two girls stopped dead as a spotlight shone down on them.

"W-who's that?" The first girl whispered, hiding behind the second, who replied cooly, "worse then Shishio."

"WORSE THEN SHISHIO?!"

"… FOX producers."

In the dusty light of the shadows, the first girl seemed about ready to faint from fear.

"YOU KNOW WHY WE HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE," boomed the voice of FOX Entertainment Enterprises, Inc. "YOUR IDEA FOR THE 'BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR' REALITY TELEVISION SHOW HAS FAILED. THE KAMIYA GIRL REFUSED OUR OFFER."

"Aheh, well, yes… but we can find another candidate! I mean, we did manage to bribe Bob Barker into doing it-"

"WE ARE ENDING IT'S BROADCAST."

"Um, well, we have an idea, yes, but-!"

"AND YOU ARE AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES."

"Consequences? What does he mean?"

Obviously trying to cover the shake in her voice, the second girl explained painfully, "we have to be contestants in the new show, 'Who Wants to Marry an Overweight Poor Computer Hacker Who Still Lives in His Parent's Basement'."

At that, the first girl did pass out.

"PREPARE TO BE-"

"Wait, wait, WAIT!" The second pleaded frantically. "We know that our first idea sort of… well, you saw it!"

The voice was quiet, hopefully listening to their final words.

"Well, we have another idea-"

"NO."

"It's really a good idea-"

"NO!"

"Honestly, if you just give us a-"

"WE SAID-"

Sweetly, the girl added, "it's a reaaaaaality show!"

The shadows were dead silent for a moment longer - and then the doors slammed once and began to creak back open, the light of day seeping in, revealing the look of relief on the face of the second girl as he picked up the first.

"HAVE THE FIRST EPISODE FOR US IN A WEEK."

"Of course, of course, we'd be pleased to," she chimed as she ran out, mumbling under her breath, "stupid sucker producer."

The receptionist sighed and shook her head and was about to call custodial to clean up the mess, when the two appeared, apparently unharmed, although the first looked pretty green in the face as she woke up.

"… w-what… am I in Heaven?"

"Only Hell would torment anyone with that low-class 'reality television' programming," the second replied, dropping the first on the floor.

Rubbing her head, the first whimpered disbelieving, "how'd we escape?"

"Erg, well, that can wait for later. Right now we have to hurry up and tie this up before those bastards at FOX cut it off, or else we’ll have everyone who's watching this to see Kaoru and Kenshin get together on our backs, and you know how scary they can be." She looked behind her to see the first girl growling about how they never did get together in the television series, eyes glowing red. "See my point?"

"Alright, alright, let's go," the first grumbled, getting to her feet and dusting her hands off. "Today, fanfiction and reality television everywhere - tomorrow, the world!"

"Shh," the receptionist yelled, "copyright infringement!"

As they raced out of the building, the second girl grumbled, "oh, like this entire thing doesn't already reek of copyright infringement."

"Oh, so that was the smell?"

_______________________________________________

Disclaimer: We own no part of Rurouni Kenshin or any other presences, other then Tenshi and Kirstian themselves, who will appear in this fic. If we did, Kenshin wouldn't be as clueless as he normally is, and he'd be called Tub-by. In any case, we have no money. We spent it all on Sesshoumaru's spandex Halloween getup. XD So don't sue. We'll sick Vash on you.