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Part Four
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Lindsey didn’t get much sleep, mostly because his dreams were plagued by nightmares. He lost count of the times he had jolted awake with his mouth hanging open, gasping for air. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember what his dreams were about, but he did know they terrified him.

When he had jerked awake, he found himself soaked in sweat and his hair sticking to his forehead, even the sheets underneath him were damp. Sighing, he rolled over to the other side and fluffed the pillow, hoping the horrid feeling would go away eventually. It didn’t.

It was almost an hour later when Lindsey decided that it was pointless to attempt to go back to sleep and pulled himself up to a sitting position. He was on his side with his back braced against the headboard; knees pulled up with his arms wrapped around his ribs as if this would somehow protect him from whatever the future held.

Judging from the silence downstairs, Lindsey assumed that Angel was either asleep or thinking, and the latter was something he should be doing too. What was he to do with the newest development in his relationship with Angel? He would be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t enjoyed last night, it was like a dream coming true.

As soon as he understood his real feelings for Angel, he showed up at the door. Followed by his unexpected visit was a night that fulfilled nearly every desire. But what was it to Angel? He knew what it meant to him and he certainly didn’t have any regrets.

Lindsey loved Angel; that was something he had came to accept and embrace. However, he could not figure out if Angel would return his affection. ‘Why would he?’ Lindsey silently asked himself. He had done nothing except to make Angel’s life miserable by hiring a slayer, trying to kill his crew, bringing back his sire and his childe only to have Drusilla turning Darla in front of Angel’s eyes.

Last night, Angel had been gentle, the tenderness in his touch and the way Angel pulled him into his arms afterward told him that Angel cared, and quite possibly loved him back. But this morning, everything was turned on its side. There was the unmerciful comment, the way Angel simply filed the night before as a ‘fuck’, and the rush Angel was in to get away from him told a different story.

Lindsey groaned aloud; he shouldn’t have gotten drunk. Every reason as to why he shouldn’t be drinking came back to him, adding to the growing hangover that was gnawing away his brain. He rarely got wasted, let alone on a workday. Sure, he had a glass of wine on occasions, a few bottles of beer on weekends and even a shot of bourbon from time to time, but he never gotten so smashed that he let people take advantage of him. His heart told him that wasn’t true; he didn’t put up one bit of resistance when Angel kissed him. He was more than willing.

He sat in silence as he began to explore deep within himself. Lindsey had to come up with a solution to the dilemma, whether he liked it or not. He carefully considered every possible response Angel would give him, and all possible answers to them. He scratched his head in aggravation when every fiber in his body told him to be with Angel but offered no means to help achieve that goal.

Suddenly, a fact dawned upon him; it was impossible for Angel think of last night as ‘making love’, if Angel had, then he should have woke up next to Angelus. Lindsey went still at that thought and felt his breath cut short as the agony ran through his body freely. He didn't know why he feels so horribly at the thought that Angel didn't care enough to turn into Angelus, he shouldn't be feeling this way. He should be glad that Angel still has his soul. 'No wonder he can't, no won't, love me.' Lindsey thought with a grimace. 'No wonder that I'm alone.'

He would always be alone, no lover, no friends and worst of all, no family. He had thrown away his family when he left for college without a word to his family. He had contacted his brother as soon as he got into Hastings, and started working in a local grocery store.

Instead of anger, which Lindsey had expected, all he got was a monotone voice that told him his father had passed away. The only time he returned home was for the funeral; it was the last time he had seen his mother and siblings and the pure disappointment and disgust on their faces. Similar to the look on Angel's face whenever he made his presence known to the vampire.

Lindsey had fooled himself into believing he loved Darla, but now he knew he didn't. He only did that because it was the closest thing of being with Angel, through his sire. He was expendable to everything and everyone; the firm, Angel and probably his family as long as he left them a large inheritance. He didn't blame them for viewing him as nothing but a source for cash; it was one of the results of being a cold-blooded bastard, what else was he good for?

From his experience, Lindsey had learned that love isn't able to fill empty stomachs or put a roof over his head; then the irony came in. When he had achieved everything he had ever wanted, he began to long for the emotions he had thrown away: love. The love of a sworn enemy.

As each tormenting moment passed, each second spent surrounded by a terrifying feeling of nothingness, of absence that had invaded nearly all of his senses... Lindsey found he was starting to feel less like a person and more like a mere apparition. A lost spirit increasingly disconnected from the physical world... from everything that he longed for.

Unexpectedly, his father's voice popped into his head; "You are a strong boy, Linds. There's nothin' you can't do if you put your mind to it." Of course, his dad had said it before he lost everything and started drinking, but it meant a lot to Lindsey. And his father was right, Lindsey McDonald wasn't the type that would curl up into a ball and hope the world would go away, he wasn't a person who would bury his head in the sand and let fate take control. He was someone who chooses his own destiny; he didn't get to where he was today by wallowing. True, he made some wrong choices, but at least he had the guts to make them instead of leaving it all up to fate.

Lindsey heard of the quote that sometimes the thing you wanted most was the exact thing you just couldn't have; and that was bullshit! When he was little, all Lindsey wanted was to be rich and powerful, now he had it. At the age of 27, he drove a Mercedes, lived in a well-decorated and spacious apartment and was the youngest junior partner in the most successful law firm in Los Angeles.

Now what he yearned for was the cruelest and most brutal vampire in all land who was cursed with a soul and currently working for redemption by ruining every case Lindsey had handled. And damn his heart if he was going to let Angel go without a fight. Sure, he knew Angel saw him as his archenemy, a slimy lawyer who had turned a deaf ear to the pleas of the helpless.

Lindsey felt his heart stopped briefly at that thought and what he had done in the past to ensure his wealth and his life. He found himself fighting back the internal aching with a fierceness even he didn’t even recognize.

If he wasn’t good enough to be on Angel’s side, he would just have to try harder and change his ways, it couldn’t be that hard, for he was already sick of the dirty work at Wolfram and Hart. Besides, what was the worst Angel could do? Brutal beating? Harsh comments? Slam the door in his face? Been there, done that. He was tired of being alone, dispensable and letting what he loved slip by. He was tired of all the mind games with the firm where he suppressed his feelings to keep a clear head. When he was with Angel, feelings were always first, not success.

As of that moment, he, Lindsey McDonald, was taking the first step toward the light, and unlike the last time, he wasn’t looking back anymore. His goal was right in front of him, waiting for him.

Determined, Lindsey started to get up, cursing the skull-splitting pain as he slowly got out of bed. Even though he didn’t want to leave the warm comforter filled with the scent of Angel, he knew he had to. Every man had to face his demons sometime; only in his case, it was a literal demon who could very well backhand him into unconsciousness. He wobbled across the room, stretched, and did his best to ignore the soreness between his legs.

Despite how careful they had tried to be last night, minor damage was still there. Lindsey ran a gentle finger over the bruised flesh on his hips; Angel had gripped tightly when he released himself inside Lindsey. He found his sweatpants at the doorway and his boxers tossed carelessly underneath the bed. He chuckled lightly as he recalled Angel’s impatience in getting them off. Decided that he didn’t want to put on clothing that reeked of vodka, Lindsey searched around for clothes he could borrow.

Within minutes, he was dressed in an over-sized blue sweater he found at the foot of the bed, which almost fell to his knees and covered his hands with its long sleeves. With a grimace on his face, Lindsey pulled on his boxers and a pair of sweats he found in the closet. He didn’t think running around Angel Investigation in Angel's clothes and nothing else underneath was a smart thing to do. After taking a few deep breaths and finger combed his hair, Lindsey stepped out of the room. Time to face his very own personal demon.

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Angel was shocked when Lindsey opened the door before he could knock. "Lindsey, I..." He gathered himself, and plunged ahead, "I'm sorry."

Lindsey shivered. Angel’s tone of voice was so gentle, so sincere, and it lit a bright spark of warmth within his heart. He wanted to run to the vampire, wrap his arms around his cool body and bury his face in the marble chest. But he controlled his urges and listened quietly.

"Last night was a mistake, I was frustrated and you were drunk and in the wrong place at the wrong time...." Angel didn’t miss how Lindsey’s once radiant blue eyes had dimmed to a blank and plain color, the color of the fading sky before nightfall; it vanished before Angel could further analyze it.

"Of course, a mistake." Damn it! This was harder than he thought it would be. Lindsey cursed silently.

"But I shouldn't have phrased it the way I did. I'm sorry."

"So, what do we do about this ‘mistake’?" Lindsey ignored the apology and went straight for the sarcasm.

Angel forced himself not acknowledge how adorable Lindsey looked in his sweater and how usually, the color blue would bring out Lindsey’s eyes. But now, the sweater seemed to steal the shine from him. Almost like it was swallowing him whole with its color.

He really, really hated to be the person to do this to Lindsey, even when Lindsey was threatened, mocked, insulted or defeated; his eyes were never dimmed. Yet Angel had managed to accomplish it with few words. But it was necessary and it was for the best, for both of them and for everyone. With that thought in mind, Angel continued on, "I think it would be best to never mention it again."

"I understand, discretion is a part of my job." Angel knew he held a distasteful look on his face and was probably glaring at the lawyer because the younger man quickly added, "for my clients."

Somehow, that didn’t make the vampire feel any better, he felt his frown deepened. "Glad we got that out of the way."

"Very," Lindsey said with such ease that seemed like he was unaffected.

"So..." Angel stuffed his hands in his pockets, hoping to break the awkwardness that seemed to have settled between them quite nicely.

Lindsey let the uneasy silence linger for a little longer, then spoke calmly, "Can I borrow your car? I need to get back to my place, take a shower and get ready for work." He quietly thanked the hours he had spent practicing in front of his mirror to keep a hard and cool mask even when he felt he was being torn apart inside.

Before Angel could answer, Cordelia’s voice drifted up from the lobby, "Hello?"

Her voice reminded Lindsey something, "Wait a minute, why were you and your employees over at my apartment last night in the first place?"

"First of all, they are not my employees anymore, I work for them. Wesley’s in charge." Angel dared a shy grin when Lindsey's mouth dropped open. "Second of all, you’ll have to see for yourself. Come on," He mentioned with a nod of his head and headed down the hall, expecting Lindsey to follow him. He stole one last glance at the strong, muscular legs encased in thin sweats before turning away while trying to shake the images of those graceful limbs wrapped around him out of his mind.

"I need to get to work, I’ll be lucky if I can make it on time. I have a board meeting at ten," Lindsey grumbled, but followed Angel’s instruction.

"Guess you’ll have to cancel," Angel replied easily, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

"It’s not something I can just cancel." Lindsey's head snapped up at Angel’s crazy suggestion. "I don’t have the power to," he explained seconds later.

"Sure you can, you are in charge now." Angel couldn’t help the hint of disappointment and satire in his voice.

"How much do you know?" Lindsey asked defensively, he wasn’t going to go back to the firm if they were going to kill him or do something so much worse. He winced at the thought of all the horrible tortures the senior partners are capable of.

"A lot, plus what I found out on the tape."

"Tape?" Lindsey felt foolish the moment the word left his mouth. He wasn't a damn parrot.

"Yes, something you put in the VCR and it shows you images and sounds?" Angel waved the videocassette in his hand; he felt a tug at the corner of his lips.

"What was a surprise, you are actually caught up with modern technology..." Lindsey trailed off when two masculine voices were heard.

"Is Angel all right?" an accented voice asked.

"You mean is Angel a big pile of dust yet?"

"No, but I will be if someone doesn’t close the blinds soon," the vampire answered with a half-smile, sounding amused.

"Wow, I’m impressed. Born-again boy is still alive, and in one piece!" Cordelia exclaimed, sounding more serious than she intended to. "Nice sweater, stolen?" She eyed the Wolfram and Hart lawyer cautiously, not wanting to miss anything unusual.

"Good morning to you all too." Lindsey managed a tiny smile, but the returning hangover was making his head feel like it was being pounded by thousands of sledgehammers. He cringed slightly at the pain. "Anyone have any aspirin?"

"No aspirin, but I do have Excedrin." Cordelia pulled out an economy size bottle of the medicine from the bottom drawer of her desk. "I got this right after you tried to kill me...no wait, you drove me insane first, then tried to kill me," she said with her biggest and brightest fake smile and a tone full of acid.

"I’m sorry." That was the only thing Lindsey could think of. He was sorry, for the pain he had cost those people; he glanced at Wesley before turning his eyes back to Cordelia. It wasn’t going to be easy to make them believe he was now a changed man, but Lindsey was eager to try and earn their trust. He was willing to do anything as long as he was going to be by Angel’s side.

"May I please have some? My head is killing me." Courtesy was always a good method to start with.

"I guess, since you apologized so sincerely." Surprisingly enough, there was not sarcasm in her tone this time as she dropped two pills into Lindsey’s outstretched hand and handed him a glass of water. Cordelia meant it when she told the lawyer that his apology was sincere, she saw it in his eyes. The cockiness seemed to be drained away and in its place was a newfound person.

Lindsey took a sip of the drink, moisturizing his dry throat, and cleared it twice. "Thanks." He gulped the tablets down quickly then finished the remaining glass of water in one breath.

"Let’s just show him the tape, then kick his evil ass out," the man Lindsey recognized as Gunn stated as soon as Lindsey placed the glass back down on the desk.

Lindsey carefully went over his memories, he hadn’t done anything to the other man that would cause this much despise toward him. But then he saw the way Gunn looked at his friends; it was reasonable. Lindsey had hurt his friends; therefore, Lindsey was his enemy. He sighed silently and couldn’t control the jealousy and longing raising inside him for a loyal friend.

"Again, what tape?" Lindsey repeated, feeling nervous all of the sudden.

"This tape." Angel handed the cassette the Wesley.

Without any indication from Angel, Wesley took a hold of Lindsey’s arm and led him toward the office.

"What’s on it?" Lindsey shouted back as he was guided away.

"Something you should know, but can’t remember," Angel replied cryptically as Lindsey was ushered into Angel’s new office and was seated in Angel’s chair with the TV directly in front of him. "Let us know when you’re done," the vampire’s voice called from the other side of the closed door.

Seeing no other choice and knowing he would be late no matter what, Lindsey plopped his legs on the desk after pushing play on the VCR.

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Angel had fell into a daze as soon as Lindsey disappeared behind the closed door. What Cordelia said before she handed Lindsey the pills reminded him of another reason why he shouldn’t have any feelings other than hatred, suspicion and disgust toward Lindsey.

The images of Cordelia restrained and tied to a bed while screaming on top of her lung until her voice was rasp and an unconscious Wesley laying on the stairs, covered in burns and tiny cuts came into Angel’s mind. The face of Faith as she cried and begged for him to kill her, desperate tears molding in perfectly with the rain, reappeared before his eyes. Then the image of the hopelessness in Darla’s eyes as Druislla sired her and then the cruel way his sire smiled at him as she stabbed the store clerk in the back followed. All of those reminded him that Lindsey was bad, evil, a cold-blooded lawyer who would do anything, kill anyone who dared to stand in his way of success.

‘He did want to change,’ a tiny voice reminded him of Lindsey’s attempt to leave Wolfram and Hart and the help Lindsey had given him to save those children.

‘He pretended that he wanted to change,’ Angel retorted, adding emphasis to the word pretended. He had trusted Lindsey; let him into his well-guarded heart even though he didn’t show it. They had a lot in common, almost too much, which was part of the reason that made Angel run to hide behind a wall of mockery. But what did Lindsey do? He tore a hole in Angel’s heart in order to escape back to the darkness and the wound left behind was still raw.

‘He never knew you trusted him.’ This time, Angel chose to ignore the comment and focused on other thoughts and let the regret slowly creeps in, there wasn’t a thing he could do to stop it anyway. If only he had showed more interest and concern when Lindsey told him about his past, if only he let down the defensive wall a little, if only he hadn’t mocked Lindsey whenever he could, if only he hadn’t been so hard-hearted, if only...

Angel caught himself before he could drown himself in the deep pool of guilt he had worked up. He needed to concentrate on the situation on hand; there would be time for brooding later, preferably soon. ‘Or you can just listen to me for once.’ Annoyed with the voice, Angel turned to his reasoning and shut off the incessant voice of his heart.

‘Lindsey is the enemy.’ Angel’s logic told him, and he agreed. ‘So was Faith...’ the vampire was tempted to cover his ears and start singing just to get away from the voice.

Faith. Angel couldn’t stop himself from letting his thoughts drift. He had been patient and understanding toward the rogue slayer, he protected her and even hit Buffy so Faith could escape. Why hadn’t he shown the same emotion when Lindsey came for help? Was it because Lindsey had hired Faith in the first place? Or was it because he simply couldn’t risk showing any tenderness in fear of getting close to him?

Angel knew hurting people with harsh words was his forte, even when he had good intentions. He remembered the disbelieving look on his former employees’ faces when he fired them; the disbelief was soon replaced by rage as they stomped out of the office. That look was oddly familiar.

Suddenly, he remembered. Lindsey had the same expression on his face when he had called him a...what was it? ‘Acceptable risk,’ the voice supplied. Exactly, he couldn’t endanger his friends simply because Lindsey wanted out, and he didn’t even know if the human could be trusted or not. ‘But you did welcome Faith with open arms.’

‘Shut up!’ He scowled at the voice. It went away, but Angel knew it would return soon and it did. ‘Haven’t you done enough to hurt Lindsey?’ It asked accusingly. And Angel remembered the way the mortal had reacted to his crude comment of the fact that they ‘fucked’.

Lindsey held the same shocked and hurt look on his boyish features just like Darla did when she found out he was still Angel, and not her favorite childe – Angelus. The funny thing was, Angel was careless of Darla’s disposition, but he was more than worried about Lindsey.

He shouldn’t care for Lindsey; it was wrong and stupid! He needed to stay away from the lawyer, and as soon as Lindsey finished watching the tape, he would throw him out and far away from his life.

It was always easier to keep people at a distance; no one would get attached, therefore, no one would get hurt. He had tried that with Buffy; it obviously didn’t work, for he had fallen madly in love with her and he remembered and savored the exact moment. But with Lindsey, it was unexpected.

Lindsey had somehow managed to get under Angel’s skin and entrenched his presence firmly in his heart. With the slayer, Angel was aware of the way she tore down the walls around his heart and how. Lindsey was able to the exact same thing as Buffy did, faster, stronger, and with greater precision. Too fast for Angel to regain control of the situation, too strong for Angel to not think about him and too precise for Angel’s stilled heart to remain intact when the lawyer was around.

Angel growled unhappily at that thought and patted the left side of his chest a little too hard as he silently warned his heart to behave.

"Hello? Earth to Angel! Come back Angel! Broody boy! Angel!" He nearly jumped out of his seat and tripped over his own foot when Cordelia shouted his name loudly into his ear and to his oversensitive hearing, it was ten times worse.

"Huh?" was the best and only intellectual response he could give her, along with a look of total bewilderment on his face. He didn’t even bother to think of an excuse for his lack of attention and from the anger boiling in Cordelia’s eyes, he knew he wasn’t going to get out of this one easily.

:: Part Five ::