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Part Nine
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The first thing that came into Angel’s view was Lindsey’s hunched over figure on the empty side of the bed. The vampire studied Lindsey carefully, trying to determine why was the mortal by his side? Then it hit him, the phone call he received this afternoon and the horrible news it brought. Buffy was dead… He wasn’t there to help her, he wasn’t there to fight beside her and he wasn’t there to…save her? Would she let him save her? He recalled the day that was erased from history, and remembered the worried yet determined gleam in her eyes as she caressed his forehead before heading off to kill the demon that caused the injury. It was a Mohra demon, if his memory served him correctly.

He couldn’t help but smile as he remembered the slayer’s amazement at finding cookie dough fudge mint chip ice cream in his freezer. She adored the ice cream… The brief moment of happiness was snatched away as the fact that his love was gone. He’d never be able see her smile, hear her giggle, wipe away her tears, kiss her beautiful lips or just simply hold her in his arms again.

Angel jerked into a sitting position as the cruel reality sank its sharp teeth into him like a snake. He glanced at Lindsey for a moment, checking to see if his sudden action had woken the sleeping human. He didn’t want any comfort or “I’m sorry” from anyone, he just wanted silence.

The vampire remained still for a second and closed his eyes, listening to the steady breathing of the younger man and also the three different sets of breathing coming from various parts of the hotel. He had no problem distinguishing the location of his crew. Cordelia was in the room at the end of the hallway with Gunn situated next door while Wesley was across from his own chamber.

The souled vampire reopened his eyes and saw the full-length mirror behind Lindsey, without reflection of himself on the smooth surface. It wasn’t the first time he had looked and discovered nothing when he was facing a mirror, but none of those times had made as much impact as this one. He was immortal, a solid truth that would forever separate him and Buffy or anyone else he might love in the future.

Future? Love? He laughed bitterly at his choice of words. How could he ever love anyone when he knew he would have no future with the person? How could he return or give the affection with the knowledge his lover would age and die while he remained young? How could he ever love someone as much as he loved Buffy and after he had tasted the pain that manifested itself into his mouth - a sour, bitter taste like yesterday’s black coffee.

Consequences…the word echoed in his mind. If anyone should deserve to die, it was him, not Buffy. He was the one who spent more than a century killing, raping, maiming and robbing, while she...she protected the world over and over again from creatures like him. He deserved to die, not her! He was the one who had destroyed so many souls for his own sick enjoyment while she desperately tried to save them. He was the cursed one, but now it seemed like he had rubbed off on her…by entering her life and possibly altering her fate. It should have been him, not her…

“It should have been me!” He sobbed out as he curled into a tight ball and let the tears over took him. His mind filled with thoughts and plans he had made with Buffy, he could see nothing else except for the image of Buffy fading into darkness. He didn't want to come to this point with Buffy. He knew it was bound to happen, he didn’t know it would be this soon. He was supposed to shanshu, find her, and spend the rest of his mortal life with her. Buffy was his heart, his soul, the only bright thing in his dark, dark world; without her there was no Angel, no Angelus either. He simply just did not exist.

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Lindsey managed to lift his heavy eyelids at the sound of quiet whimpering. He was wide-awake when he realized the noise was coming from the balled form on the bed.

It simply broke his heart to see the once mighty vampire weeping like a child, the powerful, sleek form shaking at inner pain that was gnawing away at him. His heart clenched as he watched the creature without a heartbeat or the need to breathe gasping for air in a weak effort to control the over-flowing tears.

He stared at Angel for a few moments and wondered if this was what Wesley was so worried about. They had all decided to stay at the Hyperion until Angel is stable. They set up shifts based on their strength; Cordelia gotten the eight to two shift during the day, Wesley’s shift was from two to eight from the afternoon to night, followed by Gunn from eight to three night shift since he was the strongest and Lindsey’s shift was last from three to eight.

They had warned Lindsey of the forms of action Angel might take and Cordelia insisted that he wear the huge wooden cross necklace for protection. He appreciated their concerns and felt warm inside by the way they treated him, like family.

But they would not be this cautious unless they believed something terrible was going to happen. Lindsey considered going to get them, but the thought quickly vanished when the vampire sniveled out a faint phrase that sounded like “It should been me…take me.”

“Shh, it will all be okay…” Lindsey extended out his left hand to caress the distressed vampire shoulder. Before he could reach Angel, his wrist was clutched tightly by Angel’s cool hand.

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The vampire slowly removed himself from his position and turned to gaze at Lindsey whose hand he was still holding. Angel stared at the mortal for a few seconds before pulling Lindsey down onto his chest for a fiery kiss.

Warmth was the only thing Angel felt as he invaded Lindsey’s defenseless mouth; it was different from when he kissed Darla. His sire had been cold, like him. Even the fire from their lust couldn’t manage to heat up his frozen heart or melt the chamber that held his cursed soul. But maybe this time it would work; Lindsey was warm, alive and…delicious whereas Darla tasted like death and stale blood.

Before he could explore further, the souled vampire found himself being pushed away and the burning pain on his chest made him release his grip and loosen the movements of his mouth.

Angel watched as the younger man scrambled off of him and retreated to the window; he also saw the outline of the cross around his neck that he recognized as Cordelia’s. Cordelia must had warned Lindsey about Angelus and it was unusual that Lindsey didn’t rush for the door as the vampire expected if the prophet did told him all the horrible things his other half had done.

It was good to see someone other than his friends who was not running away from him in fear or staying with the intend of destroying him. He got out the bed and slowly made his way to Lindsey.

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Lindsey couldn’t believe what was happening. Just seconds before, he was trying to comfort the grief-stricken vampire then suddenly, he was on top of and making out with the said vampire.

What was happening? Was Angel acting out of grief? Did Angel mistake him for Buffy? Or did the vampire simply need him? Lindsey pressed his forehead against the soft velvet curtains covering the cool glass and closed his eyes, only to have them snap open again as Angel roughly turned him around. The vampire’s eyes were filled emotions Lindsey couldn’t place.

“Angel?”

“I want to be warm,” Angel said in a broken whisper.

“What?”

“I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”

“I don’t understand…”

“Help me… I want to forget… I don’t want it to hurt anymore…”

It finally dawned on Lindsey what the vampire meant; he was referring to the night he spent with Darla in hope to forget his conversation with Holland.

“No…” Lindsey replied, but his breathy tone betrayed him. That simple kiss was able to arouse him faster than any other woman could have, including Darla. But he couldn’t and he wouldn’t if the consequence of him indulging into his desire was the death of many innocent people; however, his determination was diminishing when Angel spoke again.

“Please… I don’t want to cold… Help me…”

“No… Listen to me, this isn’t…”

Lindsey was cut off when the vampire once again possessed his lips. Angel’s kiss was tender, compassionate mixed with a bit of desperation. When it ended, Lindsey was left breathless as the vampire left a trail of butterfly kisses along the mortal’s racing pulse and flushed skin.

“No, Angel… Stop!” Lindsey grabbed a hold of the souled vampire by his shoulders and stared into the deep pools of russet browns. He could see tears glistening on the older man’s cheeks in the stolen moonlight through the thin crack where the curtains meet. Lindsey met Angel’s searching gaze was he felt his will weaken.

Knowing what he was about to do was wrong and could possibly cause horrible consequences, but he couldn’t refuse the pleading tone and the begging eyes of the vampire. He understood that what he decided to do was pathetic, but wasn’t that how love effected everyone? Lindsey smiled awkwardly as he took off the cross off his neck and used his good arm to pull the vampire down to plant a kiss on top of Angel’s forehead.

“I’ll help you get warm.”

Angel’s response was a growl reaching his arms around the human to lift Lindsey up and carried him to the bed. They fell onto the downy bed while prying off each other’s cloth. The last of whatever doubts Lindsey might have had disappeared when the vampire nibbled and sucked on the younger man’s ear while sinking down between the cradle of Lindsey’s muscular thighs…

Lindsey moved his injured arm out of the way before the vampire came crushing down on top of him. With a large amount of effort, the younger man managed to shift them both so now they were lying on their side, facing one another.

“I love you,” Lindsey whispered as he burrowed into the marble chest and pressed his face against the unbeating heart.

The short moment of tranquility was shattered when Lindsey heard the name that escaped Angel’s lips. Buffy.

Even knowing Angel would see him as nothing more than a drug to dull the splitting pain of the lost of the slayer, it still hurt like hell. Lindsey turned and buried his face in one of the pillows as he felt the hot trail of tears streaming down his cheeks.

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The following month passed in a frenzy; Angel had not leave his room once. It didn’t matter how much persuasion from Cordelia, how many logical reasoning from Wesley or how many times Gunn picked the vampire up and tried to shake some senses into Angel, Angel remained in his room. The persistence of a two hundred years old vampire was amazing.

Wesley carried on his position as the owner of Angel Investigation well and was slowly becoming more confident in himself and his decisions. However, he still had his doubts when dealing with the new connection between Angel and Lindsey.

Lindsey had spent the last thirty days quite differently than the others. During the day, he helped Wesley research about demons from Cordelia’s visions, which was getting less painful after Wesley performed a little pain-relieving spell and a cup of herb tea every day. Lindsey used his spare time to look up information on how to renew the lease on the hotel without any loopholes that could be used by Wolfram and Hart, who had not taken any action toward their runaway employee. The suspicion of something greater and evil was coming surrounded the office.

Once night fell, Lindsey would allow himself to plunge headfirst into the endless pool of passion of the heartbroken vampire. Lindsey knew he was not making the situation any better, but what else was he to do? Sit back and observe like Wesley? Urge the vampire to hunt like Gunn? Or even offer Angel different flavors of blood like Cordelia? He couldn’t do any of the above and he couldn’t deny Angel’s one and only request – to be warm.

After the passion they shared, Angel usually entered into a deep slumber while murmuring the slayer’s name like a prayer and Lindsey would either curl up in Angel’s arms and press his cheek against the marble chest while weeping silently or watch the vampire sleep until the slumber overtook him as well.

He knew it was sick, unacceptable and wrong, at least that was the message he got from the rest when Cordelia walked in the morning after to start her shift then ran out the room screaming her head off. Wesley and Gunn cornered him later that day, warning him of the consequences might arise after they chained Angel to the bed.

Surprisingly enough, the Wesley and Gunn was more concerned about Lindsey’s safety than Angel’s, even though they denied immediately when Cordelia pointed it out. In the end, when Angel woke up and had his soul intact, they accepted the idea of Lindsey and Angel together grudgingly with Cordelia casting each men a “told you so” look.

Lindsey never thought he would be able to experience love in his life; everyone he had cared about left him and everyone who had cared for him either betrayed him or left him as well. Yet he did, he loved the vampire with everything inside of him and he was ready to give whatever in his possession at Angel’s request. Even though he knew he shouldn’t ask for more than just to be by the souled vampire’s side, even though he knew he shouldn’t hope for the day the vampire would return the affection, even though he knew all of the dreaming would only lead to eventual pain and heartache. He couldn’t stop himself from doing it.

Every night when Angel and him became one, every time when Lindsey traced the vampire’s softened feature when Angel drifted to sleep and every moment he stayed within those cool arms; Lindsey could not help but to wonder if Angel would woke up the next morning and held him closer than withdraw suddenly or if the vampire would whisper his name before falling asleep. He lost count of the number of times he thought about stopping this unhealthy pattern between them, but logic failed him the moment he felt Angel’s eyes on him.

Lindsey knew that the vampire saw him as nothing more than a faceless creature that helped him to momentarily forget the pain. Despite the fact that Lindsey knew all the reasons as to why he shouldn’t continue, Lindsey didn’t bother to put a stop to it, he refused to. Because even if he was a replacement, Angel cared about him in some ways, like the way Angel would roll over to avoid crushing him afterward or the gentle kiss placed on his forehead while Angel whispered the slayer’s name. Those little acts of tenderness were what caused Lindsey to allow himself to sink deeper and deeper into a hopeless future called Angel.

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“Anything?” The Wesley looked up from his desk and Cordelia entered with a bunch of mails in one hand and a coffee in the other.

“Let’s see, bills, bills, wait…” she took a quick sip of her coffee, “and even more bills!”

“I thought the check from Ms. Rogers was coming in today.” Wesley asked as he closed the volume he was reading and took and envelopes from Cordelia’s hands.

“Apparently not,” she sat down in her chair with a huff. “So…” the prophet stared at Wesley expectantly, waiting for him to start a conversation.

“So?”

“Talk to me! I’m bored… No clients, no filing to be done, and no visions. I’m bored!”

The former rogue demon hunter sighed heavily before speaking, “What do you want to tak about?”

“Well, how about…you know.” She pointed upstairs.

“The ceiling? We just fixed it few weeks ago,” Wesley replied, knowing what Cordelia meant, but wasn’t in the mood to talk about it.

“No, you idiot! I’m talking about…” she lowered her voice to a bare whisper, “Lindsey and Angel.”

After the initial shock wore off, Cordelia was the first to treat the two men normally and accepted their relationship, even though she wasn’t sure what kind of relation they have. Her exact quote after she stopped blabbing and screaming was “They look so cute together.” Which earned her a glare and a raised eyebrow from Gunn and Wesley.

“I don’t know, and I don’t want to know.” Wesley replied with a rare hint of irritation in his voice.

“Fine! I’ll find out for myself.” Obviously annoyed with the Wesley, Cordelia stood up and began to climb up the stairs.

“Cordy! Stop!”

“Why should I?” She said, but stopped nonetheless.

“Because they are not your personal entertainment. They are not here for your curiosity when you are bored.”

“But…”

“No but! This is final.”

“I don’t think this is. I admit I am curious, but I do know when is the time to back off, maybe not always, but I do. And I’m worried about Angel, the last time we left him alone it resulted in him almost turning back to Angelus.”

“Cordy,” Wesley looked her straight into the eyes and spoke slowly, “we are all worried, but this time, Angel is not alone, no matter how much he seems like he is right now. He is the type of person who would learn from a mistake and he knows the consequences, even though it’s hard to see at this moment. We need to trust him.”

“I do trust him! It’s that shaky, stupid curse I don’t trust! What’s the point of taking away Angel’s soul if it was meant to punish him?” Unconsciously, she paced back toward the desks. “Taking away his soul would only bring Angelus, who they tried to torture in the first place, but then they are torturing Angel if they give Angelus a soul then it wouldn’t really be Angelus getting tortured… Where was I?”

“I lost you a long time ago, but I understand what you are saying and since we have a lot of free time on our hands, why don’t we research for a way to anchor Angel’s soul?” Wesley suggested and Cordelia could almost see the wheels turning in Wesley’s head.

“Sure, I have nothing better to do,” she added as she sat down at her computer.

Wesley returned to his book.

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“Lindsey?”

“Huh?” Lindsey opened his heavy eyelids a thousandth of an inch and then his eyes became wide open when he realized that Angel was speaking to him instead of the usual muttering of Buffy. “Angel!”

“Thanks.”

Not once in Lindsey’s memories that a single word could make him speechless, but Angel somehow succeeded. “Wha? Huh? What?”

But silence was the only response, the utter quietness made Lindsey question if he had really heard the word from Angel’s mouth. It wasn’t gratitude he wanted; he wanted love from Angel!

“How are you feeling?” Lindsey started a new topic; there was no need to start hoping for the day that would never come, the day when Angel says he loves him.

“Fine,” the souled vampire paused for a few seconds before continuing, “I’m still having trouble not to blame myself for Buffy’s death…” he raised his hand to silence any objections from the younger man, “I know, it’s not my fault.”

“Good, at least we are clear on that.” Lindsey’s smile fell when Angel didn’t response to his attempt of lifting up the mood. “And?” He prodded, wanting to hear the vampire’s reason for his behavior this past month, if guilt wasn’t it, like him and the rest had assumed.

“I just can’t help but thinking the ‘if only’ and all the different possibilities…” Angel’s gaze trailed from the crown of Lindsey’s head to the mirror standing by the closet. “Do you know why I have that mirror in here?”

“No, I’ve been meaning to ask you that though. Why?”

“I brought it in the day Wesley told me that one day I’ll become a man, a normal, breathing man.”

“Angel…” The reason dawned upon Lindsey, and he placed his hand in a comforting gesture on undead’s arm.

“Shh, let me finish. Everyday when I woke up, I would look into the mirror, and hope to see a reflection there. Every single day I wish I would see something in there besides the bed and the floating blanket.” Angel pointed to the oddly shaped comforter in the mirror.

“But she left before that day could arrive.” Lindsey voiced the unspoken thought aloud, the sentence echoed in the room.

“Yeah, but as time goes by, I stopped picturing a life with her, a life involving a family and a house with Buffy. I became afraid to see if I would be in it…”

“Why?” Lindsey was puzzled, becoming human was Angel’s only wish, or at least he thought it was.

“What would happen if that did happen? I move back to Sunnydale and everyone welcome me with open arms? Life doesn’t work that way and she had already moved on.”

“And if you become human, there would be no need for Cordelia or Wesley or Gunn or, hell, the whole Angel Investigations. Then you would truly be alone, no family, no friends and no lover.”

Angel stared at Lindsey, shocked by how easily Lindsey was able to rephrase what he was feeling and understanding his every thought. “Exactly, how did you know?”

“Know?”

“What I was thinking.” As soon as the words left the vampire’s mouth, he regretted them. He was aware of the emotion Lindsey held toward him, and he knew how Lindsey would weep on some of the nights afterward. Angel wasn’t dense, he just didn’t want to deal with it at the moment, or ever. One mistake was bad but repeating the same mistake over and over for a month was worse.

“Because I felt the same way once, before I met your crew.”

Unconsciously, Angel tightened his arms around Lindsey’s shoulders. “I know, they are like…”

“Family.” Two men said the last word in union and exchanged a genuine smile.

“Cordy will be thrilled to have you around again, she’s been wanting someone to add to the ‘broodiness’ of the office.” Lindsey joked as he snuggled in closer.

“Good, now sleep. We have a full day ahead tomorrow.”

“Okay,” the mortal remained still for a moment as he rest his cheek on the vampire’s cool chest. “Angel?”

Angel wasn’t asleep, but he kept his eyes closed and his body immobile. He feared what Lindsey was about to ask, the question he could not answer because he didn’t know the answer either. Some parts of him prayed, as ironic as that sounded, that the younger man wouldn’t voice the question.

“What am I to you?”

‘Too late,' Angel thought as he faked a mumble and pulled Lindsey in closer. Being in such intimate position, Angel didn’t miss the heavy sigh from Lindsey before the human relaxed into his embrace and let sleep overtake him again.

Angel stared at the ceiling for a while before whispering into the sound asleep lawyer’s neck, “What are you to me?”

Too focused on the resting attorney, Angel didn’t notice the shadow outside of the window and the hissed words filled with betrayal and anger, “You’ll find out soon enough, my darling boy.”

:: To Be Continued... ::