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Knowledge
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Lex doesn't know what made him propose to Helen. He's had the ring for years because it's one of the things his mother left him. But he hadn't planned on getting engaged.

Lex doesn't know why he panics when he thinks about the impending wedding. He can't be getting a case of cold feet yet, surely; they haven't even set a date for the engagement party.

Lex doesn't know why he didn't say that Clark saved him, stopped him from giving into his blood thirst from and killing Paul. He wanted to say the words, but they refused to come out.

Lex doesn't know what caused the change in his relationship with Clark. Clark seems more distant and evasive than usual, which is saying a lot.

Lex doesn't know what built the guarded wall in Clark's eyes and he doesn't know how to break it down when it's growing, expanding at a rate he can't catch up with at all.

Lex doesn't know when he stopped asking Clark to explain impossible events. He no longer cares. If all he's going to get are lies, why bother asking in the first place?

Lex doesn't know if a person can live with the heavy burden of unrequited love. He has a feeling he's about to find out.

Lex doesn't know why he's headed for Clark's barn after proposing, telling Helen that he has some work to finish up. He's driving before his mind registers his actions.

Lex doesn't know why Clark doesn't notice him when he approaches the loft. Clark usually knows he's here before Lex even sets foot in the barn.

Lex doesn't know why he feels like he's reliving their accident on the bridge at the sight of Clark and Lana in each other's embrace. Except Clark isn't going to save him this time.

Lex doesn't know how he made it back to the mansion in one piece. He feels as if his senses are dulled, as if he was still underwater and everything around him is muffled. His chest constricts painfully and his lungs aren't cooperating; it's like he's drowning.

Lex doesn't know how he senses where Helen is when he enters the castle. It's just a feeling; something in his gut tells him that she's where he always finds solitude. They are alike in many ways.

Lex doesn't know why he doesn't get angry when he sees the slender form of Helen in his bed. He normally hates it when people invade his space without an invitation, permission.

Lex doesn't know what possesses him to sit down next to her, brushing a light kiss over the barely-visible scars on her forehead - souvenirs from Paul. Her skin feels wonderful under his lips.

Lex lets his lips slide lingeringly over to her cheeks as his senses slowly return to him. The process isn't anything like the swift and precise way Clark had pulled him out of the river. It's more like someone is leading him to the shore, step by step and gradual. This new feeling is different from the ones he feels for Clark, but he likes it.

As he climbs under the cover next to Helen, Lex finds something he does know. He knows that he'll be able to say, "I do."

~ END ~