Home My MySpace Photobook A Survey of Tanna Home of a Creative Writer Poet Book Hardcore College Essays Discovering Paris The Old Revamped Email Me!	The Game Plan I am not the person that I want to be. I'm this broken, insecure individual who breaks her values when it is inconvenient to keep them, who becomes whiny and impatient, who feigns maturity by sipping coffee and simply saying, I feel old. I think it is time for me to grow up, to leave the children behind, and stop wondering if when little kids look at me they think I am just a big kid, or an adult. It is time to know that when they see me they see adult. No more wonder. No more assumptions. It is time to leave assumptions behind unless there is reason behind them, and at that point, do they not cease to be assumptions and play into intuition? My heart is broken, but it is time to repair it because it is stopping me from being the person I want to be. It makes me jealous, makes me assume the worse, and keeps me from growing, from moving on. And I know I can't work on relationships until Ifixed, put back to the Tanna I want to be. You know, when I was in England that was who I was. I felt free; I felt spiritual, laid back, and patient. I keep wondering how I am going to get that back, and I wonder if it was simply the pressure free life, but I know that's not it. There were plenty of pressures, just not the kind I am used to. There was the pressure of being on my own, in a foreign country, where I didn't know the laws, the people, and there was the fear of being an abroad American. But the world continued, and I was fine. Now and here the world will continue, and I will be fine. I think in England my heart was open to new things, but in the familiar, it has closed. In the broken heart, it has closed. So, ok, Tanna, what's the plan? Get your job, you know you have skill, you know when push comes to shove you get it done. It is never as hard or as complicated as it seems. You will be loved again some day, but now is the time to find and love you. You're too insecure, you still need a guy to validate you, but I know that God rocked my relationship because it needed to be rocked. I needed the slap in the face, I needed the wakeup call to tell me that I'm not ready for this, not ready for the commitment because I am far too gone and need to take care of myself, I never got time to grow up validating myself. All the starvation came to the end with the guy, the depression slowed with the guy, but it never slowed because you willed it to, just because of the guy, and that is a lot of weight on his shoulders. I lift it from you now, Collin, so you can feel weight free and grow up yourself, weight free. Your weight is gone for the summer. You don't have to worry about me, I'm only your friend for the summer. I'll play, but expect nothing. If you are gone from my life as a boyfriend then I thank you for your help, for coming into my life to give me experience and help me with a difficult time. If you come back to me, I'll be ready for you this time. If not you, I'll be ready for someone else. So, I've been trying to work on the pillars all at once, but I think I need a new plan. Like taking my workouts one step at a time, add cardio, add upper body, add lower body, all together, running program, whatever follows, I should add my pillars one step at a time, so lets put them in a logical order. Someone who takes care of herself Be more relaxed Be more patient A person who sticks to their values Know who I am For the first week of being home, I have worked on the first pillar, taking care of myself, my body, and it is going well. I have tightened my belt a notch, joined a gym, gone to the dentist, gotten sugar free coffee drinks (save twice!), and slowed my addiction to caffeine. Because the week of this pillar is over does not mean it ends. I will still work on it. I need to lose 12 pounds of fat by the end of the summer, and continue working out. I want to be able to run a mile in 7 minutes, maybe 6, and I will start my running program on May 31st. It will consist of intervals that will get smaller and smaller until it is a continuous 15-minute run (feels like taking the integral of the run!). Once I have a continuous 15 minute run, I will increase the speed until I have my 7-minute mile, and if some summer remains, until it is a 6-minute mile. I have never run under an 8-minute mile, so this will be a challenging goal, but I am excited to meet it. For the second week, starting Wednesday, May 31st (the same day as the running program), I need to work on being more relaxed. I would start on today, but I want to wake up in the morning knowing I am going to roll the small things. I will start today, but tomorrow is the official beginning. I will start by thinking about what I am going to say before I say it, taking it easy, taking it slowly, relaxing. This is a feeling I want to get back from England, a perpetually curious feeling, not stressed, ready for my day with a smile. You know it's going to be ok, babe, you don't have to rush about with no head. No stress, no fast pace, and although I have interviews, I think staying the calm and simply working through them without worrying is the best option for me. If they don't hire me, that's ok. It doesn't make me a bad person. They don't hire lots of people. I am still the same person and dont need a business to validate me to be awesome. If they don't hire me, that's their loss because I am efficient, fun, energetic, friendly, and knowledgeable. I want to be there. I want to be able to support myself. I feel better already. For week three, I need to work at being patient. Not everything is going to come right away; in fact, I should probably just wait until school starts again. I'd like to be casual with any gentlemen over the summer, if any, and just see what happens, just feel myself out, and wait for the pleasures in life to come. If my mom asks me to do something, just do it, no whining. This feels very similar to being relaxed, and they may just run into a two-week extension of each other. This week I will wait to let the world happen, especially in areas that I cannot control. This week I will also work on not taking things personally. I don't dish things out personally, especially to people I don't know, and I project my own qualities onto them, my own insecurities onto them. All done. This week I will learn to wait for Collin to collect himself as I work on collecting myself. Summer will end and we'll go to school together and it will be fine. I can't control future events, and there is no use in worrying about them. Take it as it rolls. Week four. It will have been a month. Week four I will work on my values that I will define today. List work for you, babe? Free Range diet, which does not include seafood. This may take some effort to find out the farming conditions of animals purchased for consumption, but I did write an 8-page paper on the subject and should stick with my values. This may mean being a vegetarian, and I'll extend all of this to the consumption of milk so I do not support the veal industry, although that won't be hard not being able to have dairy. This week I will truly focus my energy on this goal. Keeping my room clean. Not so much a value, but I think it is important, and I let my room go just because I am too lazy to put things away. The mess does, however, create a negative energy, which is the last thing I need these days. To be pleasant even when I am having a bad day. I can snap at people when my day is going bad, but if they are more than a casual encounter, I should let them know that my day is bad, but I am doing my best, and could they please be easygoing to help me? That's all people can do for me, not feed to the fire of negative energies. Always be nice to the dogs. No hitting, bad talk, anything. Sometimes I'm appalled at my treatment of them, and no more. A person who is nice to animals is nice to people and is a nice person. A person that can have a good relationship with animals can have a good relationship. Not spend money willy nilly. I'm disgusted with myself at my use of money. There needs to be a new plan, and a list. At the beginning of the week, I will make a list, of groceries, of things I want, that I will buy at the end of the week. If I still want them at the end of the week, I may have them, if not, I do not need to buy them. If something comes up that I see at the store, it can go on my list for next week, even if it is on sale at the time. If it goes off sale and is too much for me to want it, I probably didn't need it anyway. It can stay on the list and I can wait for something similar to go on sale in the future if I still want it then. The best thing to do however, is make the list on Sunday when the add comes out, and go on Saturday before the add runs out. During this week, I will review all of my values and put them all into action, rereading them every day until I have them down. Week five, the final week, I will work on discovering who I really am. The previous weeks should help in this discovery, and this week will probably extend into the following weeks as I learn. I need to know how beautiful I am and never forget. I will wakeup every morning and tell myself that I am beautiful, that I am a rock star, and I am worth the love of anyone. I know I am a rock star, I know I am a good person, and by week five, I should truly believe it. Look your best every day because it may be the day you meet your true love and you don't want them to forget your face, forget your smile. This week I will buy a book on religion, something with energies, something with spirituality. Taoism, Buddhism, something. I know Jesus died for my sins, giving me the great gift of life, but there are things Christianity cannot explain, and I would like to discover those. I want to write this week. I know I am a good writer, and I will have to do some prep for this week, reading the Book of Revelations to work on my Man Who Is Going to Hell story (I hope the biblical story isn't long). My journey here shouldn't be complete. I will need to practice all of the pillars for the rest of my life. I will never slip again, I will never lose myself again because I love the Tanna I can be so much to not lose her another time. She's the person the world loves, in all her peculiarities and misspellings. With her weirdnesses, her smiles, and her beautiful eyes. This balanced Tanna will enjoy a balanced life that will bring her plenty, will bring her happiness. This is what she needs, this is what I need.

The Game Plan

I am not the person that I want to be. I'm this broken, insecure individual who breaks her values when it is inconvenient to keep them, who becomes whiny and impatient, who feigns maturity by sipping coffee and simply saying, I feel old. I think it is time for me to grow up, to leave the children behind, and stop wondering if when little kids look at me they think I am just a big kid, or an adult. It is time to know that when they see me they see adult. No more wonder. No more assumptions. It is time to leave assumptions behind unless there is reason behind them, and at that point, do they not cease to be assumptions and play into intuition?
My heart is broken, but it is time to repair it because it is stopping me from being the person I want to be. It makes me jealous, makes me assume the worse, and keeps me from growing, from moving on. And I know I can't work on relationships until Ifixed, put back to the Tanna I want to be.

You know, when I was in England that was who I was. I felt free; I felt spiritual, laid back, and patient. I keep wondering how I am going to get that back, and I wonder if it was simply the pressure free life, but I know that's not it. There were plenty of pressures, just not the kind I am used to. There was the pressure of being on my own, in a foreign country, where I didn't know the laws, the people, and there was the fear of being an abroad American. But the world continued, and I was fine. Now and here the world will continue, and I will be fine.

I think in England my heart was open to new things, but in the familiar, it has closed. In the broken heart, it has closed.
So, ok, Tanna, what's the plan? Get your job, you know you have skill, you know when push comes to shove you get it done. It is never as hard or as complicated as it seems. You will be loved again some day, but now is the time to find and love you. You're too insecure, you still need a guy to validate you, but I know that God rocked my relationship because it needed to be rocked. I needed the slap in the face, I needed the wakeup call to tell me that I'm not ready for this, not ready for the commitment because I am far too gone and need to take care of myself, I never got time to grow up validating myself. All the starvation came to the end with the guy, the depression slowed with the guy, but it never slowed because you willed it to, just because of the guy, and that is a lot of weight on his shoulders. I lift it from you now, Collin, so you can feel weight free and grow up yourself, weight free. Your weight is gone for the summer. You don't have to worry about me, I'm only your friend for the summer. I'll play, but expect nothing. If you are gone from my life as a boyfriend then I thank you for your help, for coming into my life to give me experience and help me with a difficult time. If you come back to me, I'll be ready for you this time. If not you, I'll be ready for someone else.

So, I've been trying to work on the pillars all at once, but I think I need a new plan. Like taking my workouts one step at a time, add cardio, add upper body, add lower body, all together, running program, whatever follows, I should add my pillars one step at a time, so lets put them in a logical order.

Someone who takes care of herself
Be more relaxed
Be more patient
A person who sticks to their values
Know who I am

For the first week of being home, I have worked on the first pillar, taking care of myself, my body, and it is going well. I have tightened my belt a notch, joined a gym, gone to the dentist, gotten sugar free coffee drinks (save twice!), and slowed my addiction to caffeine. Because the week of this pillar is over does not mean it ends. I will still work on it. I need to lose 12 pounds of fat by the end of the summer, and continue working out. I want to be able to run a mile in 7 minutes, maybe 6, and I will start my running program on May 31st. It will consist of intervals that will get smaller and smaller until it is a continuous 15-minute run (feels like taking the integral of the run!). Once I have a continuous 15 minute run, I will increase the speed until I have my 7-minute mile, and if some summer remains, until it is a 6-minute mile. I have never run under an 8-minute mile, so this will be a challenging goal, but I am excited to meet it.

For the second week, starting Wednesday, May 31st (the same day as the running program), I need to work on being more relaxed. I would start on today, but I want to wake up in the morning knowing I am going to roll the small things. I will start today, but tomorrow is the official beginning. I will start by thinking about what I am going to say before I say it, taking it easy, taking it slowly, relaxing. This is a feeling I want to get back from England, a perpetually curious feeling, not stressed, ready for my day with a smile. You know it's going to be ok, babe, you don't have to rush about with no head. No stress, no fast pace, and although I have interviews, I think staying the calm and simply working through them without worrying is the best option for me. If they don't hire me, that's ok. It doesn't make me a bad person. They don't hire lots of people. I am still the same person and dont need a business to validate me to be awesome. If they don't hire me, that's their loss because I am efficient, fun, energetic, friendly, and knowledgeable. I want to be there. I want to be able to support myself. I feel better already.

For week three, I need to work at being patient. Not everything is going to come right away; in fact, I should probably just wait until school starts again. I'd like to be casual with any gentlemen over the summer, if any, and just see what happens, just feel myself out, and wait for the pleasures in life to come. If my mom asks me to do something, just do it, no whining. This feels very similar to being relaxed, and they may just run into a two-week extension of each other. This week I will wait to let the world happen, especially in areas that I cannot control. This week I will also work on not taking things personally. I don't dish things out personally, especially to people I don't know, and I project my own qualities onto them, my own insecurities onto them. All done. This week I will learn to wait for Collin to collect himself as I work on collecting myself. Summer will end and we'll go to school together and it will be fine. I can't control future events, and there is no use in worrying about them. Take it as it rolls.

Week four. It will have been a month. Week four I will work on my values that I will define today. List work for you, babe?

Free Range diet, which does not include seafood. This may take some effort to find out the farming conditions of animals purchased for consumption, but I did write an 8-page paper on the subject and should stick with my values. This may mean being a vegetarian, and I'll extend all of this to the consumption of milk so I do not support the veal industry, although that won't be hard not being able to have dairy. This week I will truly focus my energy on this goal.
Keeping my room clean. Not so much a value, but I think it is important, and I let my room go just because I am too lazy to put things away. The mess does, however, create a negative energy, which is the last thing I need these days.
To be pleasant even when I am having a bad day. I can snap at people when my day is going bad, but if they are more than a casual encounter, I should let them know that my day is bad, but I am doing my best, and could they please be easygoing to help me? That's all people can do for me, not feed to the fire of negative energies.
Always be nice to the dogs. No hitting, bad talk, anything. Sometimes I'm appalled at my treatment of them, and no more. A person who is nice to animals is nice to people and is a nice person. A person that can have a good relationship with animals can have a good relationship.
Not spend money willy nilly. I'm disgusted with myself at my use of money. There needs to be a new plan, and a list. At the beginning of the week, I will make a list, of groceries, of things I want, that I will buy at the end of the week. If I still want them at the end of the week, I may have them, if not, I do not need to buy them. If something comes up that I see at the store, it can go on my list for next week, even if it is on sale at the time. If it goes off sale and is too much for me to want it, I probably didn't need it anyway. It can stay on the list and I can wait for something similar to go on sale in the future if I still want it then. The best thing to do however, is make the list on Sunday when the add comes out, and go on Saturday before the add runs out.

During this week, I will review all of my values and put them all into action, rereading them every day until I have them down.
Week five, the final week, I will work on discovering who I really am. The previous weeks should help in this discovery, and this week will probably extend into the following weeks as I learn. I need to know how beautiful I am and never forget. I will wakeup every morning and tell myself that I am beautiful, that I am a rock star, and I am worth the love of anyone. I know I am a rock star, I know I am a good person, and by week five, I should truly believe it.
Look your best every day because it may be the day you meet your true love and you don't want them to forget your face, forget your smile.
This week I will buy a book on religion, something with energies, something with spirituality. Taoism, Buddhism, something. I know Jesus died for my sins, giving me the great gift of life, but there are things Christianity cannot explain, and I would like to discover those.
I want to write this week. I know I am a good writer, and I will have to do some prep for this week, reading the Book of Revelations to work on my Man Who Is Going to Hell story (I hope the biblical story isn't long).

My journey here shouldn't be complete. I will need to practice all of the pillars for the rest of my life. I will never slip again, I will never lose myself again because I love the Tanna I can be so much to not lose her another time. She's the person the world loves, in all her peculiarities and misspellings. With her weirdnesses, her smiles, and her beautiful eyes. This balanced Tanna will enjoy a balanced life that will bring her plenty, will bring her happiness. This is what she needs, this is what I need.