Applied Psychology         "What's the usual tip?" the man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza.         "Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing freat."         "That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."         "Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."         "By the way, what are you studying?"         "Applied psychology."   Emergency Number         The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the end said,         "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."         "A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"         "Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"   Get Back at...         A mother and daughter were riding in a cab through New York city when the daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street corner.         "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are those ladies doing?"         "They are waiting for their husbands to come home from work," the mother replied.         "C'mon, lady," the cabbie interjected, "tell her the truth. They're hookers!"         After a stunned silence, the daughter piped up,         "Mommy, do hookers have children?"         "Of course," the mother replied. "Where do you think cabbies come from?"   Give Up         While working on a cruise ship, a magician performed the same tricks each week since he always had a new audience. Problem was, the captian had a parrot who saw each show and had figured out how the magician did his tricks.         - "Look, it's in the hat," the bird would yell. Or, "Hey, all the cards are the ace of spades."         The audience would roar with laughter, angering the magician, but he couldn't do anything since it was the captian's prized parrot. One day, however, the ship hit some foul weather and sank. The magician survived - but he found himself adrift on a piece of wreckage with the bird. They floated for days without uttering a word until finally the parrot turned to magician.         "Okay, I give up," he said. "What did you do with the ship?"   Graduation Test         It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but John. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts         "Let John graduate, let John graduate!"         The principal agrees to give John one last chance.         "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, John, how many apples do I have?" he asked.         John thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."         And the entire senior class stood up and shouted:         "Give John another chance, give John another chance!"   Guardian Angel         Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell,         "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!"         The woman stopped, and a seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.         A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed,         "Halt! Don't cross the street now!"         An out-of-controll beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light.         Shaken, the woman asked out loud, " Who are you?"         "I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied. "I imagine you have some questions for me."         "You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"   Just Ask         One night, the hospital where I work receive a bomb threat. As a result, the other nurses and I were directed to check our patients' rooms for anything suspicious. Using a flashlight, I entered the room of an 83-year-old woman. She was sleeping, so I carefully tiptoed inside and began to poke around near a box of candy she had received earlier that day. Suddenly the woman bolted awake.         "If you wanted a piece of candy," she scolded, ""all you have to do was ask."   Lover's Lane         While on his rounds just before the midnight, a policeman came upon a car parked in Lover's Lane. Supicious, he snuck up on the vehicle, but when he shined his flashlight inside he saw a teenage girl knitting in the back seat and a boy behind the wheel reading a book.         "How old are you and what are you doing?" the policeman asked the driver.         "I'm 19," he replied, "and I'm reading a book."         "What's she doing?" thepoliceman asked.         "She's knitting."         "And how old is she?"         "Another 12 minutes," the young man replied, glancing at his watch, "and she'll be 18."   Modern Art         During an exhibit at a museum, a modern artist was explaining his work.         "This," he said, pointing to a completely black canvas, "is a cow grazing."         "Where's the grass?" asked a visitor.         "The cow has eaten it," the artist answered.         "Well, then," the visitor said, "where is the cow?"         "How could you expect her to stay," the artist replied, "after she'd eaten all the grass?"   Musical Term         My piano student was only seven years old, but she was a quick student. One afternoon I greeted her at the door and, as a test, asked her what musical term means "smoothly connected".;         "Hmm," she said, furrowing her brow in concentration, trying to think of legato. After a moment she looked at me and said, "Forgotto."   Nice One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearence: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and a pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.         - "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice"         "Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?" .   Name for ID Bagde         My friend Mirko was starting a new job and gave his name to get an identification badge. When he was told that nick names weren't allowed, he explained that Mirko wasn't a nickname but his middle name, which he preferred.         "Sorry," he was told. "We don't allow alternative names. You'll have to go by your first name, Matthew." Mirko reluctantly agreed, and the next day went to pick up his badge. Under the photo in large type it read, "Matt."   Perfect Couple         Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,         "Why is the bride dressed in white?"         "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.         The child thought about this for a moment, then said,         "So why's the groom wearing black!!!???"   Phone Number         My mother and I were at the hospital awaitng some test results when several firemen were wheeled into the emergency room on streetchers. One young man was placed in the cubical next to us. A hospital employee began to ask him questions so she could fill out the neccessary paper work. When he was asked his phone number, we had to laugh. His replied? "911"   Route Number         "Pulling over a car full of nuns because they were traveling so slowly, a police officer asked the driver why she couldn't go faster.         "But, officer," the nun replied, "all the signs read '25' "         "Sister," the cop replied, "that's the route number, not the speed limit."         "Gee, I guess that explains why the others were screaming earlier," the nun admitted.         "What are you talking about?"         "Well," the nun answered, "we just got off Route 128."   Sermon on Lying         "Next week," said the preacher, "I will deliver a sermon on the sin of lying. To help you understand what I'm talking about, I want you all to read Mark, Chapter 17."         The following Sunday the minister went to the pulpit and asked how many parishioners had read Mark, Chapter 17. Every hand in the congregation went up.         "Mark only has 16 chapters," said the preacher with a sly grin. "I will now proceed with the sermon on lying."   Sin         In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed.         "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."         "Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."         "But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."         "That wasn't very nice," the priest said, " but you put yourself at risk."         "Oh, thank you, Father," the man said. "But I have one more question."         "What is it?"         "Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"   Was it Nice?         One evening a young man in a tuxedo came into the convenience store where I work. I asked him why he was dressed up, and he explained he had just gone to a wedding.         "Was it nice?" I said.         "I don't know," he replied, shuffling his feet. "I guess so."         A few minutes later a young woman in a flowing bridal gown came out of the restroom.         "Come on, honey," she said, grabbing him by the arm. "Let's go!"   Whose Profession was the Oldest         A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was the oldest.         "On the sixth day, God took one of Adam's ribs and created Eve," said the doctor. "So that make him a surgeon first."         "Please," said the engineer. "Before that. God created the world from chaos and confusion, so he was first the engineer."         "Interesting," said the lawyer smugly, "but who do you think created the chaos and confusion?"