Liberators: Another World, Not My Own #3 (of 4)
Earth-MV1

What Has Gone Before: The heroes of two alternate universes - Earth-S and Earth-N - have been alerted to a threat posed to the multiverse; this threat involves a giant crystal on a faraway planet.

1942 C.E. The Shi'ar Imperial Throneworld. "...Sharra, Brood Mother, Terror of the Skies. Bless us and do not in Your wrath fall upon us. Amen. All rise."

The images of the other Imperial Guard members reflected their movements, standing from their prostrate positions.

First Worshiper D'kuz said, "These are your assignments for the next thirteen cycles, by the grace of Emperor Sh't'r."

"Overman, you will continue to train your successors." Overman, hands held low and wide and head bowed in the traditional Submission-to-Superior-Forces position, nodded slowly. The other Guard members could hear, in the background behind Overman, the faint sounds of the 169[1] Argonites going through their morning exercises; all of the Imperial Guard members watching and listening suppressed a shudder at the sounds, for they knew all too well what the Argonites were suffering through. All of the Guardsmen had endured the rigorous training program that the Argonites were enduring; the trials necessary to create a member of the Imperial Guard were tortuous, with a mortality rate of at least 50%, and the noises that the watching Imperial Guard members could hear brought back unpleasant memories. That the Argonites were not being trained on Aerie-4, as the watching Guard members had been, and that they were not being trained by A'arn Mun-ro, as the current Imperial Guard members had been, was of no consolation, for the Argonites were being trained to become future bodyguards for the Emperor.[2] And since the Emperor's personal bodyguards must be, like Overman, the best of all warriors, they were being trained by Overman, who, though more humane and soft-spoken than the evil and tyrannical A'arn Mun-ro (a being of whom it was commonly said that, despite his scarred and grizzled exterior, he had the heart of a child - which he kept in a jar and displayed to certain unfortunate would-be Guardsman, just before he skinned and ate them.[3]), was still a stern taskmaster, in his own way. And because the bodyguards would have to be extremely tough, they were forced, after completing their three-year-long training sequence on Aerie-4, to travel to various Hellworlds[4] for a further year's worth of training.

"Darkness, you will continue your investigation of the Emperor's ministers." The Darkness nodded curtly and switched off his monitor. The court of Emperor Sh't'r paid obeisance to the Emperor, of course, and knew that, as a member of the lineage of the Neramani and the personally-chosen (in theory, at least) representative of the Divine Twins, Sh't'r was to be obeyed in all things, instantly, and could order any and all of their deaths, at the slightest provocation,[5] and so naturally few if any of the members of the Emperor's court plotted or schemed against the Emperor, or made any attempt to gain possession of the Purple Throne. The last three would-be assassins, and their employer, were still in the care of the Gentle Questioners, although they were looking somewhat the worse for wear, having been maintained in their current state of...stimulation...for the past three centuries.

However, while the role of Emperor was unavailable (at least, until a way was found to dispose of the Emperor's mentats, who performed weekly psionic loyalty checks), all other positions in the Empire were. At least, in theory. And, as was the state of things, all other positions were highly sought after. Those positions being filled by individuals who might be good for the Empire or devoutly loyal to the Emperor rarely deterred anyone else from aspiring to gain those positions. Although the Emperor tolerated nothing that would interfere with the expansion of the Empire, or its internal affairs, any other schemes to...succeed...other Ministers or highly-placed Questioners or Worshipers were usually met with benign amusement by the Emperor.[6]

Naturally, all positions in the Empire were by appointment only - said appointer being the Emperor Himself. And, equally naturally, the Emperor usually appointed the next ranking figure to replace any openings, so that if the First Worshiper should somehow, mysteriously, die, the Second Worshiper was chosen to replace him. And so, within the cramped, Hobbesian conception of "nature" so prevalent within the Shi'ar Empire under the Neramanis, it was seen as "natural" for lower-ranked government officials to attempt to forcibly replace their superiors.[7]

Of course, those officials who were honored by the Emperor with high rank within the Imperial Bureaucracy were all-too-aware of the de rigeur method of upward mobility within the Empire; these officials were either themselves highly skilled and experienced at ensuring a profligacy of job openings directly above them,[8] or simply extremely adept at avoiding the bestowal of Favors from their own underlings, and possessed of enough longevity to still be around when their own superiors had met their untimely...Accidents, but either way were aware that being retired from Imperial Service was something that was done to you, usually with the aid of something sharp, pointed, or extremely rare and toxic.

So, naturally,[11] the court of Emperor Sh't'r Neramani, from the First Worshiper, Grand Admiral, and Head Questioner down to the lowest file clerk and privy cleaner, was a mosaic of constantly-shifting and (naturally) of-regrettably-temporary-duration alliances, enmities, and side-taking, one of sufficient complexity that the most advanced Go Master, asked to examine it, would have taken one look, thrown up his or her hands, and taken up a simpler pursuit, such as solving Fermat's Last Theorem or finding the final number of Pi.

First Worshiper D'kuz was a skilled practitioner of the Shi'ar art of Favor Gathering and Bestowal,[12] and it had fallen to him to direct the actions of the Imperial Guard.[13] D'kuz, naturally concerned with the level of self-centeredness, patriotism, and duty among the Imperial Bureaucrats - specifically those directly beneath him[15] - had resolved to do something about this, appointing to the task the only Shi'ar who frightened him, whose mind had more twists and corners than an Escher staircase, who lacked any sense of humor whatsoever, and who could be depended upon to follow orders and root out corruption while ignoring bribe attempts and assassination attempts: the Darkness.

Some of the other Imperial Guardsmen said that after six weeks on the job the Darkness' list of Shi'ar officials plotting treason, if abbreviated, set in 2-point font, and laid end to end, would stretch approximately three parsecs.

First Worshiper D'kuz said to the Amazon, "You will continue training the Bestowers of Joy." The Amazon, her face impressively impassive - the Belle of Freedom, the Amazon's closest female friend among the Imperial Guard, would have sworn that a block of steel, if thrown by Overman, would have bounced off the clenched muscles of the Amazon's face - nodded, touched her forehead in one of the ritual Gestures-of-Obeisance, and turned away from the monitor, which switched itself off.

The Amazon, for reasons known only to the Emperor, the Judge, and the Thaumist, was being punished by Emperor Sh't'r. The other Imperial Guard members were unsure exactly why, but thought it had something to do with the failed mission to Earth (their memories of which were maddeningly indistinct). Overman, as First Warrior of the Shi'ar Imperium, could not be punished, and the Darkness was far too useful, so the Amazon, as the #3 figure in the Imperial Guard, was chosen for disciplining.

The Amazon had been sent to Rysa-4. Rysa-4[16] was the home of the Bestowers of Joy, the Imperial Corps of females, males, and everything in-between and Other, devoted to information gathering by what might be known, among the less advanced civilizations, as pillow-talk.

Originally the Bestowers of Joy had been two groups: the Imperial Courtesans, and those ladies of negotiable affection who strolled the byways of the Aerie and worked in and out of various houses, hovels, dormitories, palaces, and river- and sky-ships of ill-repute.[17] A First Worshiper, whose name has since been forgotten, realized with a start[18] that, in the warm and cozy glow of post-snuggling,[19] he was murmuring certain important Imperial Secrets to the "seamstress" that he'd paid to help warm his sheets.[20] Rather than ordering her execution - the usual act of Worshipers in similar straits - he was struck by the notion that perhaps he could put such a phenomenon to use for the Emperor.[21]

The First Worshiper, after dismissing the "seamstress,"[23] promptly had the Enforcers of the Faith round up every Imperial Courtesan and "seamstress"[24] and bring them to the Church's training facility for the Gentle Questioners. There, under the wondering and confused eyes of the Gentle Questioner students and trainers,[25] the First Worshiper instructed the group in their new Holy Obligations. All information they gathered that might be of any interest to the Emperor was to be reported to the First Worshiper's office. When Saint J'n the First asked how this would benefit the "seamstresses"[26] the First Worshiper indicated that the Gentle Questioners were always in need of further Patrons. Then the First Worshiper was struck by his second inspiration, and admitted that perhaps the "seamstresses" and Imperial Courtesans should benefit from the new arrangement.

Forever after both groups were given the protection of the Holy Church of the Twins, in exchange for passing along any information that the Bestowers of Joy, as they were now called,[27] deemed worthy of the Emperor's notice. The Bestowers would be given medical treatment and protection from abusive customers, and would be given pensions during their retirement. Although this did not protect to the Imperial Courtesans, who were subject to the Emperor's whims,[28] the "seamstresses," who had faced the prospects of life (and death) on the streets of the Aerie, found their prospects much improved, and were quite content with the new arrangement.

And so the centuries went by, and the Bestowers of Joy demonstrated that they were of incalculable value to the Imperial information-gatherers; the most restrained and taciturn enemy of the Imperium or seemingly-incorruptible member of the Imperial Bureaucracy often found that their lips would loosen while in the throws of passion or in the cozy and warm afterglow.[33]

A change came about in the role of the Bestowers of Joy during the reign of Empress C'm'p'bll, who spearheaded one of the expansionist phases of the Shi'ar's history. Impatient with the relatively slow rate of her Navy's victories,[34] Empress C'm'p'bll demanded of the Imperial Admirals why they weren't defeating the Gra'al and Kalot forces with greater rapidity. When told that the aliens' technology was far advanced from what was anticipated, and that their fighting spirit was much higher than the Naval Investigators had estimated, Empress C'm'p'bll had her Grand Admiral impaled;[36] the new Grand Admiral, warned by the example of his former superior, inquired of the Empress as to whether she had any advice for the Navy. She said, "Why don't you just, like, kill their leaders?"

Naturally, assassination attempts had previously been made; standard Imperial policy, during the reign of Empress C'm'p'bll Neramani, and the Neramanis generally, was to remove the leaders of an enemy race, civilization, and/or planet, as a prelude to conquest; however, Br'n'yc-5, the leader of the Gra'al-Kalot alliance, had proven, to that point in time, too clever for all of the Imperial assassins.[41] The new Grand Admiral, who was both clever and intelligent enough to survive for all of his 47 years and to advance to his exalted position, had an idea, one which changed the role of the Bestowers of Joy forever after.

The Grand Admiral summoned the 15 most beautiful of the Bestowers of Joy, told them of their new mission, and showed them how to use various exotic and rare poisons. He then sent them in a private yacht to Gra'al-3, the homeworld of the Gra'al race. A few days later Br'n'yc-5 noticed a particularly attractive Gra'al woman, of relatively tender years, in the crowd waiting to speak to him in his headquarters. He had his secretary show her in, and then dismissed both his secretary and the rest of the crowd, insisting that he be given the afternoon off.

His body was later found, covered with the blackish film indicative of an overdose of the Shi'ar poison known as "Double Negative."[42] The Gra'al and Kalot, deprived of their most ingenious military and political leader, fell prey to the Shi'ar Navy in a week's time. The Grand Admiral was given a commendation, and Empress C'm'p'bll was content for several days running, which was a record for her.

The office of the First Worshiper, meanwhile, found the situation worth studying, and quickly set about training the Bestowers of Joy for further duties. They were schooled in the uses of poison and weapons, and while no one Bestower ever received as much training as the average Shi'ar soldier, they were nonetheless quite deadly, given the limits of their missions and the conditions under which they were carried out.[49]

And that's what the Amazon was assigned to do: train the Bestowers of Joy. Those who knew her could not find the words to describe the level of insult contained in assigning a warrior of her stature to train those who used sex as a weapon.[50] Those who did not know her, and those who paid the most attention to the shifts in sentiment of the Emperor, rightly saw the assignment as a punishment. The Amazon's thoughts on the subject are not known.[51]

First Worshiper D'kuz said, "Blur, you will--"

The image of First Worshiper D'Kuz disappeared from the monitor and was replaced by the featureless golden mask that was the face of the Thaumist. He said, "The First Worshiper's orders for you must wait; an emergency has arisen that must be attended to at once. There is a threat to the M'Krann Crystal..."

[1] 13 being a holy number for the Argonites and the Shi'ar. The Argonites, originally a peace-loving race, had been conquered early on by the Shi'ar, who destroyed the Argonites' native cultures and forced them to adopt the cultures and customs of the Shi'ar, including the Shi'ar's sacred numbers.

[2] Overman, although effectively immortal (as a mutant Overman was even more powerful than the average Argonite, as well as being far longer lived), was judged to have served too close to the Emperor for too long; he had severed 13 Emperors as their personal bodyguard, and had a record of service which none could match. He had saved various Emperors' lives numerous times and had personally formed both the League of Extraordinary Gentle Sentients as well as the Justice Alliance, but as an upright and moral being, as well as an incorruptible one, he had gathered more than the normal number of enemies in the Byzantine, envy-consumed, and status-obsessed court of Emperor Sh't'r, and these figures had conspired to convince the Emperor that Overman had served too long and should step aside, too allow a new generation of patriotic and devout Argonites to serve their Emperor.

[3] A'arn Mun-ro's opening speech to new students usually went something like this: "You will have been told stories about me before now: about how I have personally killed over 300 beings with my one good hand, and 66 with this stump here; about how I keep, on my desk, in a jar of embalming fluid, the head of a Guard cadet who displeased me, and how I replace that head every year; and about how, at the end of every year, I kill, skin, and eat - feathers, bones, and all - the five weakest cadets who have the misfortune to try to enter my Guard and then fail me." Mun-ro always smiles and licks his canines at this point. "These stories are true."

[4] While most of the training worlds for the Imperial Guard, the Gentle Questioners, the Borderers, and the forces of Internal Harmony were in Black systems, off the interstellar travel lanes and not included on any star chart, a select handful of publicly-known worlds were used by the forces of the Shi'ar Imperium for training purposes. These worlds were, however, never inhabited (by civilized beings) and were generally known as Hellworlds. Some Hellworlds were uninhabitable because of the extreme amounts of hard radiation or excessive cold to which they were subjected, like Xerxes, a planet which had been blown out of its orbit when Emperor W's'n'g'r, having lost patience with the rebellious Lurdans of Xerxes, detonated an anti-matter singularity device in Xerxes' sun, scattering the planets of Xerxes' system and turning Xerxes' star into a baby black hole. Xerxes was propelled into interstellar space, with the 900 million Lurdans dying in various agonizing ways as Xerxes' atmosphere was slowly stripped away. Now Xerxes was used by the Imperial Guard to train its cadets in null-gravity and zero-atmosphere conditions.

Some of the Hellworlds had never borne civilizations; completely submerged under mercury oceans or impenetrable jungles or endless deserts, they were home to predators judged fierce enough to be adequate tests for even the elite Guardsmen. Graveyard was one of these. Its oceans were home to sixty-foot creatures (known as "The Wimps") similar to Earth's sharks, only with two more mouths, three sets of arms (each ending in clawed hands complete with opposable thumbs), muscles capable of propelling the Wimps through Graveyard's oceans at the speed of sound, brains disconcertingly cunning, and, of course, a taste for Shi'ar flesh, with a preference for the reproductive organs. The skies of Graveyard were full of winged brutes known to the Imperial Guard Drill Instructors as "The Trainers," since they fell from the sky at twice the speed of sound, had beaks and claws capable of shredding power armor, and reflexes the equal of the Blur's, and, of course, were extremely carnivorous - and if they didn't train you to always watch the skies for Incoming, then you deserved to end your days as food for The Trainers' young. (Current thinking was that the Trainers had been created, centuries ago, by The Other, known to Earthmen as The Stranger, and released on Graveyard as an experiment, although none knew what that could have been.) And Graveyard's four continents were home to two main predatory species: one, a twelve foot, four-armed creature descended from Graveyard's primates, had a near-Shi'ar intelligence, foot-long claws of organic steel, and super-dense muscles capable of lifting close to thirty tons; the other, a hyper-evolved 20' tall arachnid (again, The Other's handiwork, it was thought), had radar, two separate mouths, a central stinger with an extraordinarily powerful neurotoxin (lethal with three seconds, with no cure ever having been found), four working claws (capable of severing a Guardsman wearing power armor cleanly in half) and six manipulatory limbs. In the words of one Imperial Guard Drill Instructor, "Graveyard is a wonderfully focussing environment; if you don't learn how to focus your aim and reflexes, you'll be focing us." (A phrase not quite as coherent if not pronounced with a hard 'c'.")

And some of the Hellworlds had once been homes to civilizations, but, for whatever reasons, their inhabitants had fallen back to (or been forced to revert to) savagery, such as the Wh'ne of Tef're-3, who had been punished for their rebellion by having a cognitive virus unleashed on their world. This reduced them to their barbaric ancestors - and as the Imperial Guard cadets quickly discovered, the Wh'ne were fearsome hunters when their intellects were stripped away and their morals removed.

[5] Or, as was often the case with the Neramanis, with no provocation whatsoever. It would never do to refer to any of them as "the Mad," so newer titles (ones that didn't instantly cause the Gentle Questioners to sharpen up their Talons Of Inquiry, free up several months on their calendars, and decide to see if they can break certain records involving the Shi'ar's bodily tolerances) were invented and used, such as "Emperor W's'n'g'r The I Just Get These Headaches," and "Empress C'm'p'bll The Easily Irritated," and "Emperor Sh't'r Of The Singular And Creative Sense Of Humor" (also called "Emperor Sh't'r the...Inventive," the ellipses somehow being used by everybody).

[6] Emperor Sh't'r, outside of the Shi'ar Imperium, usually being described in ways ranging from "the sort of personality who moves straight from pulling the wings off of flies to pulling the limbs off of people without letting growing up or morality or sanity get in the way" to "he sees things differently from other people, in that he sees other people as things" to "he has a mind like a shattered diamond - all sharp edges and reflected rainbows, but something that is, ultimately, broken."

[7] With something agonizing and poisonous if their superior had in some way hindered that underling's career progression to that point, or by means of something loud, explosive, accidental-seeming, and mercifully brief if the superior had acted as a mentor to the underling, was related (to the Emperor or to the underling), or if the underling was just in a good mood.

[8] Or above others; Favors such as the Accidental...deletion...of another's superior were in high demand within the Imperial Bureaucracy, and it was said that a complete record of the last two centuries of such Favors, those involved in the Favoring, those beneficiaries of the Favors, and those unfortunates for whom others' upward mobility meant their own downward mobility,[9] would occupy approximately a googolbyte's worth of disk space.[10]

[9] Usually six-feet-below-ground downward, but sometimes into-the-gravity-well downward or three-hundred-feet-below- the-ocean's-surface-without-a-rebreather downward or even into-the-woodchipper downward.

[10] Emperor Sh't'r, for whom a leisurely perusal of the Imperial Bureaucrats' accumulation and expenditure of such Favors made soothing bed-time reading, was amused by this saying, for he had it of a certainty that it in truth only took up a few terabytes worth of space.

[11] A word much bandied about by the cleverer among the Imperial Bureaucrats, to whom "nature red in tooth and claw" would have been seen as the motto of a weakling.

[12] D'kuz was described by Second Worshiper R'del as "cold enough to freeze mercury with." D'kuz himself was quoted as having said that the occasional wholesale "turnover" of the entire Shi'ar Bureaucracy of lower rank - i.e., below his - would be good for breeding piety, patriotism, and devotion in their successors. D'kuz had never heard of Earth, or of Voltaire, but would instantly have understood the deeper meanings of "pour encourager les autres."

D'kuz is one of the few Shi'ar on record to whom crib death took his parents, while they were leaning over his playpen shaking a rattle at him - an Accident seen, for D'kuz and others, as prescient.

[13] At least, it fell to him after the unfortunate Accidents of two Gentle Questioners, four Navy Colonels, and the former First Worshiper.[14]

[14] The First Worshiper had Accidentally ingested a rare pufferfish poison not previously encountered within the Empire, Accidentally fallen backwards fourteen times on to D'kuz's Talon of Remorse, and then Accidentally thrown himself into one of the Shi'ar Throneworld's anti-matter generators, Accidentally bypassing 16 security locks and Accidentally knocking out 4 guards on the way. (D'kuz was a believer in being thorough in much the same way that a black hole is a believer in gravity.)

[15] He had heard, he told the Imperial guard, that some of the Imperial Bureaucrats - yes, even some of the Worshipers - were more concerned with career advancement than with serving the Emperor, and might even resort to murdering their superiors to advance themselves - something which he was shocked - Shocked! - to discover.

[16] Known, for reasons unclear, to the armed forces of dozen of races as the "Nukkye Planet."

[17] Although generally they were spoken quite highly of.

[18] And more important for his future career, a stop.

[19] Or something relatively close to that.

[20] Or something relatively close to that.

[21] The Emperor, whose name, like the First Worshiper's, is lost to posterity[22], on hearing of this idea, promptly invented the title of "High Worshiper" and elevated the First Worshiper to it, thus ensuring that the Second Worshiper would not dare to bestow a Favor upon the new High Worshiper. The High Worshiper - a title held only six times since then - died surrounded by his family, old and happy. Which just goes to show that, despite popular ideas about the Shi'ar, once upon a time the Shi'ar Emperors actually did reward patriotism.

[22] But is retained in the archives of the Bestowers of Joy, who realize that many things having to do with sex are more delightful when the mystery around them is not dispelled.

[23] Known to future generations of Bestowers of Joy as Saint J'n the First, and to her friends as Rosie.

[24] The commonly used term, in the Imperial Tax Rolls, for those hard-working women who could not otherwise find gainful employment; a surprise inspection of those claiming their profession as "seamstress" had revealed that 2% of them actually owned a needle and thread or sewing machine. This statistic was considerably higher than expected and gave rise to much bemused commentary.

[25] Who continually fingered their Feathers of Questioning and Talons of Remorse and tried to figure out whether they were being brought a new crop of Patrons on whom to practice and hone their skills, or if they were being rewarded with the rare gift of pre-bought snogging.

[26] Popular legend has it that her actual words were something like "Bugger off - what's in it for us?" But Saint J'n the First would surely never have said anything phrased so commonly.

[27] One of the first demands of the former "seamstresses" was that they be given a respectable title, one which they could use in polite society, if the situation so warranted, and on the Imperial Tax Rolls. No restaurant in the Shi'ar Imperium would accept a reservation from a "seamstress," but a "Bestower of Joy" - well, that's a title for a toff, innit?

[28] Most recently Emperor Sh't'r, who after a particularly vigorous session with his favorite Courtesan declared his love for her and told her that he wanted her by him always, and had her flayed and her skin turned into a robe which he wore at many official engagements. He took particular pleasure in indicating to his guests her face, which was on his back, just below his shoulder blades; he was prone to saying that the Gentle Questioners had done a particularly good job of capturing her expression, didn't they think, and wasn't her skin tone just the most darling color, and didn't it match his own face just perfectly? His guests, not being stupid, agreed with alacrity and waited for the Emperor to continue, but did not change the subject.[29]

[29] Changing the subject while the Emperor was speaking was of course not diplomatic, but it was not wise, either, for Sh't'r was notorious for his...amusing...orders, and he might decide that your changing the subject meant that he should change you.

It is said (outside the Imperium, of course) that when Emperor Sh't'r met his unfortunate Accident[30] a full week of celebration was declared, all prisoners were released (temporarily), and the sigh of relief from the Shi'ar would have propelled a fully-loaded Spanish galleon halfway across the galaxy.

[30] Common rumors stated that Prince D'ken Neramani somehow arranged for a Favor to be granted to Sh't'r, but the Shi'ar intelligentsia tend to dismiss this notion; Prince D'ken was insane, but he was not crazy, and he had no way of shielding whatever traitorous thoughts were zooming around the storm of insanity within his brain. How Emperor Sh't'r found his way on to the Imperial Navy's Weapon Testing Grounds, how he managed to ingest exactly one gallon's worth of an extremely powerful paralysant (code named, by the Gentle Questioners, "Sixteen Ton Anvil"[31]), how his bodyguards disappeared (literally; no trace of them was ever discovered, and their tracer atoms, which were tagged with a specific radioactive frequency to allow for easier tracking, were somehow deactivated), and how the weapons the Navy was testing that day were changed from suffocating pillows to nuclear fission warheads, are all questions that may never be answered.[32]

[31] Because that's what it felt like was lying on top of you when you drank it. Moving wasn't an option; in fact, not moving acquired numerous virtues all its own.

[32] When asked about this entire incident the Darkness, the greatest detective in the Shi'ar Imperium, proclaims ignorance and changes the subject.

[33] Later, of course, they would find their lips being loosened by the instruments of the Shi'ar Gentle Questioners, this time with a much greater degree of...discomfort.

[34] Later analysts and psychologists - from outside the Imperium, of course[35] - would describe C'm'p'bll's personality as "to anger, quicker than a starving man at a Denny's all-you-can-eat banquet table" and "more irritable than Rax The Irritable Of P'Po-4, Who Destroyed His Home Planet When He Found Out That 2 And 2 Wasn't 5."

[35] Within the Imperium it was tacitly understood by all that a full and frank description of C'm'p'bll's personality would lead to a full and frank discussion between the describer and the Gentle Questioners; although everyone within the Imperium was aware of what C'm'p'bll was really like, it was generally thought best to use such phrases as "My, but she's in a cheerful mood today" and "Her face dimples so beautifully when she snarls" and "I think her voice reaches quite an extraordinary pitch when she yells, don't you?" Using any other phrase was generally the equivalent of saying "One of what Socrates had, thanks. And put a little umbrella in the glass, too."

[36] This was done with due consideration of the Admiral's admittedly impressive record of victories and complete loyalty to the Purple Throne. Generally the Empress' reaction to hearing responses like that[37] was to summon the Gentle Questioners and order them to put the respondent to The Question.[38]

[37] Or something similar. Empress C'm'p'bll ruled for 35 Earth years - approximately 31.2 Shi'ar cycles - and various respondents throughout her life were subjected to The Question for answers ranging from "I'm sorry, Your Majesty, but we cannot alter the force of gravity this evening" to "Despite Your wishes, Your Majesty, light cannot be made to go any faster" to "He is already married, Mum, and quite happily."[39]

[38] What, exactly, The Question was has not been determined. Some things the Gentle Questioners will not discuss, and when asked they generally smile and say, "Trade secrets." But it is known that the usual answer to The Question is "Arghargharghnonono!"

[39] This was in response to being told by her wetnurse and nanny that D'cap'ry'o, the famous actor and the object of C'm'p'bll's teenage affection, was not, in fact, available for a romantic interlude with C'm'p'bll. The Empress' response was first to have the wetnurse handed over to the Gentle Questioners, and then to have the wife of D'cap'ry'o put to The Question. When D'cap'ry'o attended his wife's funeral,[40] C'm'p'bll, frustrated and infuriated, had D'cap'ry'o put to The Question and his entire line erased from the Imperial Rolls and Histories. The Imperial bookkeepers and historians were kept extremely busy during the reign of Empress C'm'p'bll; the true history of a people, under such a leader, has a particularly fluid quality, one which keeps historians quite busy as they learn the deeper truths of the phrase "like trying to nail jello to a wall."

[40] A symbolic ceremony only, of course; nobody died within a few days after having been made the Patron of the Gentle Questioners. One only wished that they did. And so the funeral ceremony was held and everyone present prayed, with great fervor, to the Divine Twins that the Gentle Questioners would make a mistake and kill them too quickly.

[41] The Imperial assassins are a shadowy lot, much-rumored about but rarely seen. Even within the highest ranks of the Gentle Questioners and the Holy Church, little is known of them. It is said by some that the title of the assassins' group is the "Gentlemen of Leisure." But, of course, this is sheer rumor, and tales of black-clad figures scaling the walls of various buildings in the Aerie's largest city, and delivering Favors for those of the Imperial Bureaucracy who can afford their services, are purely unconfirmed. Really.

[42] Of course, two milligrams per million of Double Negative constitute an "overdose," and the only publicized use for Double Negative is found in Certain Rare And Wonderful Recipes From The Barbarian Races by Mu.[43] Recipes was Mu's magnum opus, gathered after a lifetime of travels among the outlying worlds of the Shi'ar Imperium and in the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies; it not only included the very-rare recipe for Skrull Variable Stew,[44] Elan Intangible Brownies,[46] Dire Wraith G'rak,[47] and Haggis.[48] Mu's recipe for Kree Cider calls for "One part Double Negative for every three parts of Apple Juice," and recommends that it be fermented for three Shi'ar weeks, heated over an open flame for 33 minutes exactly, add a dash of cinnamon and nutmeg, stir vigorously, and then apply to whatever drains are clogged in your house. Should clear them up in a jiff.

[43] Known during his life as Mu The Wobbly, posthumously he was called Mad Monk Mu or "that nutter." "Mad," of course, being a relative term, but generally anyone who believes that recommends 5 pounds of arsenic to one cup of coffee "for taste" can be called "mad" without too much risk of demurral.

[44] So-called because it tended to change shape while on your plate.[45]

[45] Unless, of course, you hit it really hard.

[46] As a psionic race the Elan had no use for material yummies or deserts, and so designed a sweet that would delight your mind while being virtually calorie- (and matter-) free. The Elan, of course, were and are great believers in the phrase "once on the lips, forever on the hips," and are renowned across the Known Universe for having the best workout programs.

[47] G'rak being the main course for many of the Dire Wraiths' ceremonial banquets, it generally involved the living brain of an enemy freshly ripped from its host body, stewed (but kept alive) in port for three days, and then lightly sauteed for 5 minutes and served on a fresh bed of lettuce, with a side-order of Rocky Mountain Oysters and other sweetbreads. As Mu the Wobbly writes in his accompanying notes to the recipe, "G'rak is valued above all other dishes among the Dire Wraiths. Most other races prefer it that way, and insist, at Dire Wraiths' State dinners, that the Wraiths have their serving, they're quite stuffed from the appetizers, thanks, and gosh, look at the time, they really should be on their way."

[48] Haggis, although universally seen as indigestible, and outlawed in the Shi'ar Imperium as a deadly toxin too poisonous even for the Neramanis (who do, after all, have some standards), can be found on certain remote installations at the edge of the Empire (where all other food sources were missing and the shoe leather was too tough to eat) and on one planet in a minor galactic arm of the Milky Way galaxy, and so Mu, ever the completist, included it in his book, although he put it in Appendix 8 ("Recipes Only Utter Barbarians Would Even Think About Eating") and he did accompany its entry with the pictogram of a vomiting Shi'ar. As Mu wrote in his introduction to the recipe, "Haggis is a dish best served to other people, preferably those whose friendship no longer appeals to you and whose enmity is a matter of no consequence. Under no circumstances should you allow haggis to touch your lips. If swallowed, apply an emetic immediately; better still, have a stomach transplant."

[49] The phrase "You want me to hide what? You want me to hide it where?" were never heard after the second day of training. Usually because the Bestowers were informed that the Gentle Questioners were, as usual, running short of Patrons, and that they'd found this really neat trick you could do with a cheese-grater.

[50] Both literally and figuratively. Contrary to popular belief, it was in fact possible to screw until you died. Those involved always expired with a smile on their face - but they were still dead.

[51] And will remain unknown, because MV1 might be read by children and I want this story to pass through various Internet filters.

Author's notes:

If you know anything about modern comic fantasy you'll recognize where a great deal of this story's tone comes from. I did lift a couple of lines in this story from other sources - I freely admit this. Generally, though, I was trying to reproduce the tone of my inspirational author without copying him wholesale. I wasn't as successful, obviously - but then, I'm not England's best selling author, either.

Oh, I could have gone on at much greater length for this story, but if I was going to do every last member of the Imperial Guard, this story would be easily six times as long as it is now, and might well end up being novel-length. I figured I should do something shorter once in a while.

Next issue: Earth-M