Showcase of Suspense #4

“The Hero of Bizarro World”

 

A black hole in the sky closes as a figure draped in blue flies from it, his red cape flowing behind him as he flies towards Death Valley.  His quarry has been spotted and is currently battling the Teen Titans.

 

Death Valley:

 

The Hulk stands facing the Teen Titans, a group of young heroes who have banded together to fight crime.  “Hulk asked kids to leave!  Why won’t kids leave!?” 

 

“We’re not going anywhere until you come with us!”  Robin, the leader of the Titans moves towards the Hulk.  He moves slowly, trying not to upset the green behemoth.  “We don’t want anyone to get hurt.  We just want you to leave…”

 

Before Robin can finish his sentence the Hulk slams his fists into the ground.  The resulting shockwave knocks everyone off their feet except the Hulk.  “Hulk said Hulk wanted to be alone!  Leave Hulk alone!”

 

Havok pulls himself off the ground and wipes blood from his lip.  “Robin, I’ve got a clear shot and I’m taking that monster down!”  Havok lets loose with a plasma energy blast that rips into the Hulk.  The green giant flies into the air and lands flat on his back. 

 

“What the heck are you doing?  We were trying to calm him down!”  Robin isn’t happy with this turn of events.  “I told you not to attack until it was necessary!”

 

“I thought it was necessary!  Unless you want to let him cause a few more earthquakes!”  Havok ignores Robin’s attempts to get in his way as he rushes off to continue the fight.

 

“Robin, it looks like we’ll have to fight him now.  I’m going to help.  You coming Wondy?”  Wally West, known to the world as Kid Flash, races off. 

 

“I’m coming Kid Flash! ”  Wonder Girl looks quickly at Robin before heading off to join the others.   "You guys are going to need my help!"

 

“Fine you guys keep him busy.  I’ve got a plan.  Speedy!  Aqualad!  Get over here!”  Both Speedy and Aqualad approach Robin hurriedly to hear his plan.

 

Kid Flash is running circles around the Hulk while Havok attempts to set up a good shot.  A large green hand reaches out quickly.  Wally barely ducks the grab, but in doing so, he loses his balance and falls off to the side, sliding out of the Hulk’s reach.

 

“Darn it!  I’m not where I want to be, but this is my best chance!”  Havok fires again at the green goliath. 

 

The energy blast hits the Hulk square in the chest but this time the Hulk doesn’t move.  “Hulk ready for foil-head this time!  Now Hulk make foil-head pay for hurting Hulk!”  The green monstrosity charges at Alex Summers.  Havok’s energy blasts continue to pound the Hulk, but it isn’t slowing the monster down.  The Hulk is now standing right over Alex with his fists raised.  Frozen in fear, Havok can’t move.  The fist comes flying down towards Alex’ head.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!

 

The Hulk staggers back a few steps.  Wonder Girl doesn’t let up.  She unleashes blow after blow at the Hulk.  “Thanks for the save.”  Havok collapses to his knees.  He’s still shaking and weak from expending so much energy on the Hulk.

 

“Why won’t kids leave Hulk alone?”  The Hulk continues to stagger backwards under Wonder Girl’s assault.  Unfortunately for Wonder Girl, the green goliath is starting to move backwards more slowly than when the beating began. 

 

“I was hoping the sucker punch would be enough to stop him, but he’s taken my best shots and I’ve lost the element of surprise.  It’s only a matter of seconds before he starts fighting back.”  Wonder Girl continues to press the attack utilizing all of her Amazon training to ward off the Hulk’s defensive strikes. 

 

The Hulk stops moving backwards from the punches and stares down at our young Amazon.  “You fight good for girl.  But Hulk strongest one there is!  Hulk Smash!!”  With a quick right, the Hulk lands a glancing blow to the side of Wonder Girl’s head.  The blow is enough to send her flying backwards. 

 

“How could anything so big move so fast?”  She wonders as she adjusts her flight path.

 

“Speedy!  Fire the arrow now before things get worse!”  An arrow flies towards the Hulk.  It will never reach the Hulk.

 

A blue and red blur grabs the arrow. 

 

“Oh no!  Things just got a lot worse!”  Robin reaches into his utility belt to grab his Bat Communicator.  “This is Robin, calling for help from the Avengers!  This is an emergency!  The Hulk and Bizarro are together in Death Valley!  I repeat the Hulk and Bizarro…”

 

“Me am happy that you call your friends!”  Bizarro crushes the communicator in his hands.  “Me came here to see you, not Hulk.  So me am leaving with Hulk!”  With those words Bizarro grabs the Hulk and flies off into the air.  Another black hole opens up in the sky and both figures are gone. 

 

“I don’t think the Hulk is going to be happy with what just happened.”  Robin smiles.

 

“I don’t think the Hulk is ever happy.”  Speedy laughs.

 

Bizarro World:

 

“Put Hulk down!” The Hulk lands a punch to the side of Bizarro’s head, which causes our square faced fiend to drop the emerald warrior.  “Where did square face bring Hulk?”

 

“You am on Bizarro World!”

 

“Hulk not like this place!  This place ugly!”

 

“Thank you.”  Bizarro beams with pride.  “Now let me show you this world.”

 

“Why did you bring Hulk here?”

 

“You am our hero!”

 

“Huh?”

 

Bizarro tries to get the Hulk to follow him, but the Hulk has other ideas.  “Hulk want square face to bring Hulk home!”  With those words, the Hulk grabs Bizarro and throws him through a nearby building.

 

A civilian Bizarro comes running out with his family, yelling at the top of his lungs.  “You wrecked my house.  You am my hero!  Please, destroy my house some more.  Me am so proud this first house you destroy on Bizarro World.”  The man starts kissing the Hulk’s hand.

 

“Stop kissing Hulk’s hand!”  The Hulk pulls his hand away from the man and he tries to move up the street.  A man blocks the Hulk’s path.

 

“Please collapse my house Hulk!  Me am your #1 fan!”

 

“Bah!”  The green goliath sends the man flying with a backhand slap.  The man goes flying into a house.

 

“Me am so grateful you throw me through house!  Thank you!  You am the greatest!” 

 

“Hulk no understand stupid square faces!  Why won’t they leave Hulk alone!?” 

 

Bizarro comes back up to the Hulk and asks him once again to follow him.  “Me have stuff to show you.  You am big movie star here.”

 

“Hulk not in movies!”

 

“Not yet you not.  But me put you in new movies so girls have big hunk to look at.”  Bizarro dreams about how much money he could lose on movies with the Hulk as Star.  He’ll have to pay big bucks to moviegoers since so many will want to see his movies.

 

“Girls like Hulk?”

 

“Girls love Hulk.  Look here are some girls.”  Bizarro gathers up the women and brings them to the Hulk.  “What do girls think of Hulk?”

 

“He’s so ugly!  Me can’t believe how ugly him is.  Me going to faint he so dreamy!”

 

“Him am  most hideous one there is, besides Frankenstein.  Him make me knees weak.”

 

“If only more men could be so grotesque and green.  Us girls would be much happier.”

 

“You call Hulk ugly!  Then say Hulk dreamy?  Hulk no understand!  Hulk not like being confused.”  The Hulk grabs a telephone poll and pulls it out of the ground.

 

“Ooooooooohhhhhh!  He’s too much!”  She faints.

 

“Hulk smash ugly houses!”  With a swing of the telephone pole the Hulk knocks down five houses.

 

The residents come running out.  The air fills with the excited shouting of the residents.

 

“Me am so lucky.  Hulk not only knock down me house, but him call it ugly too.”

 

“Me am so honored to be victim of Hulk’s rampage.”

 

“Ugliest man on Bizarro World destroyed my house.  How lucky can one Bizarro Lois get?”

 

“Enough!”  The Hulk slams his fists into the ground sending everyone into the air and collapsing houses all along the road.  The fanfare surrounding this latest event makes the crowd larger and more boisterous. 

 

“You am greatest superhero on all of Bizarro World!”

 

Bizarro #1 isn’t happy with that last comment.  “Me always thought me am greatest superhero.  But me guess I not destroy stuff quickly enough.  Me tip hat to Hulk.  You am truly the greatest.”  His shoulders sag as he says the last few words.

 

“Hulk not understand.  Hulk leave now.”  The Hulk jumps off.

 

“No!  Please come back!  My house am still standing!”

 

“Me follow Hulk to see what new heroic deeds him do.”  Bizarro flies off to follow the emerald goliath.

 

The Hulk lands time after time to applause as he causes destruction with each landing.

 

“Me never realize jumping so damaging.  Hulk teach Bizarro many things about being a hero.  Him so good he not even look like he am trying.”  Bizarro is impressed with the Hulk’s destructive ability, and also a little bit jealous.

 

“Hulk want square face to stop following Hulk!” 

 

“Me am sorry Hulk!  Me stop following you.”

 

The Hulk leaps off once again and Bizarro follows him.

 

“You said you stop following Hulk.”

 

“That why me still following.”

 

The Hulk lands and turns towards Bizarro as Bizarro lands near him.  A quick swing of the green goliath’s hand sends Bizarro into a nearby building.  “Square face bother Hulk!  Now you leave Hulk alone!”

 

“Him such good hero he pretend he wasn’t trying to punch me through office complex.  Him fantastic.  Him much better hero than poor Bizarro.”

 

The Hulk is getting mobbed by fans. 

 

“Let me give you my autograph!”

 

“Here am one of my shirts!”

 

“Here am money!”

 

“Hulk no want ugly shirt!  Hulk no want stupid money!”

 

“Him call my shirt ugly!  Me so proud!”

 

Bizarro flies in and pulls the Hulk from his adoring public.  “Me so glad you not rip them to shreds.  Fans am hard to avoid when such great superhero.”

 

“Hulk just want to be left alone.  Put Hulk down.”

 

Bizarro lands and the Hulk walks away.  “Bring Hulk home!” 

 

“Me not do that.  You am great hero.  Would be wrong to send you home.”

 

“Hulk smash square face if square face don’t send Hulk home!”

 

“Me am so honored!  You am greatest hero on all of Bizarro World.  Me give you #1 symbol .”  Bizarro removes the #1 necklace from around his neck and puts it on the Hulk.

 

“Why square face give Hulk ugly necklace?”

 

“Not only am him great superhero, but him am appreciator of art too.  Oh how could me have even thought me was great superhero.”

 

The Hulk stalks off into the woods. 

 

Bizzaro #1’s, or should that be Bizarro #2’s, family walks up to Bizarro.  “Me am not greatest hero of Bizarro World!  Hulk am greatest.  Him destroy things with no effort.  As if it were natural.  How can me compete with such a hero?”

 

“Oh honey, you am still not #1 in our hearts.  Isn’t that right son?”

 

“Yes.  You am not even close to #1.”

 

“You two make me so happy.  Give me hug.”  The Bizarro family hugs.  “Me so happy me stopped crying.  Let me check on Hulk.  Greatest hero of Bizarro World need sidekick.  Me am more than qualified for that.  Maybe me change name to Bizarro Jones Rick.”

 

Bizarro walks off and sees the Hulk sleeping under a tree.  “Me wake Hulk and tell him good news about me am his sidekick, Bizarro Jones Rick!”

 

Before Bizarro can wake the Hulk up, the Hulk starts to change.

 

“What am this?  He am getting prettier and prettier?  How awful!  Hulk no longer ugliest one there am.”

 

Bizarro grabs his #1 necklace back from the sleeping figure.  The sleeping goliath is slowing changing from green to white.  Slowly the form of Dr. Bruce Banner takes the place of the Hulk.

 

“How could you fool us like this?  To think that greatest hero in world am also puny man who probably fixes things.  Bah!  You am no hero, you am sham!”

 

Bizarro grabs Bruce and picks him up.

 

“What the…?  Hey what’s going on!”  Doctor Banner asks.  He tries not to panic until he knows the situation.

 

“You not hero.  You am regular human.  You not even ugly.  Bizarro’s would be sick to stomach if they saw their greatest hero am pretty man at times.  So for the sake of the insanity of all on Bizarro World, me am taking you back.”

 

“Ok.”  Banner wonders what the heck the Hulk got him into.  But he’s not going to chance ruining his best chance to get home.

 

“Me tell others you leave Bizarro World because you love it so much.  Me not tell them you pretty man.  Me honor memory of monster who destroy everything so effortlessly.”

 

Banner remains quiet.

 

“How me going to explain this to family?”

 

An Hour Later on Bizarro World:

 

“So him turn into pretty man?  How horrible!  You am right not to tell anyone.  The truth would be too much.”  Bizarro Lois #1 comforts her man.

 

“Not all bad.  Me learn lesson.  It not just what one can do, but how ugly one is on outside.  One should always judge book by its cover.”

 

“That am good advice.”

 

Next Issue:  The JLA-JSA-Avengers-Invaders crossover begins.  The Red Skull, Lex Luthor and a plethora of other villains and heroes.  What could cause all of these heroes to get together?  What threat could be so dire? 

 

Note to the Readers:  I wanted to apologize for how long this issue took to come out, but I also wanted to warn you that it might be quite awhile before the next one too.  I’m still working on my dissertation so my time is limited.  But I’ll try to get it done quickly.  Bizarro also wanted to say something.

 

“Me am not sorry this took so long.  Me hope next book take even longer to write.  Me not want you to write letters praising me and putting down Baloo’s writing style.  Him can rot in Hell for all me care as long as me am not in next issue.  Me am…”

 

“Hulk want square face to shut up!  If you don’t like issue with Hulk, Hulk Smash!”

 

Um.  Sorry people, but this is what you get when I don’t have any letters. J

 

Mark Beaulieu

Ulysses and Pandora Productions