29 November 1999
Being Sean Tarjoto
What’s it like to being Sean Tarjoto? Some, are vehemently opposed to it. And others fully advocate such lofty pursuit. It has been described as disorienting, violently happy, and even painfully good. It is also believed to be a forbidden realm, a measure of the psyche that should never be used, for that fate would never reconcile with the enactor of such blasphemous activity. Irrespective, it is an experience of wondrous value, and will only serve to enrich your own lives with the meaning of error, or the solution to something.
How do you become a Sean Tarjoto? Through skill, determination, and procrastination. But you too can find out by simply getting to know him. This may be difficult at times, and so this excerpt from "The Primer of Sean Tarjoto" will offer some insight and guidelines into understanding The Sean Tarjoto. Later on, maybe you too can eventually learn how to become a Sean Tarjoto. What follows is a highly detailed account of a full Thursday the 18th of November 1999 AD.
In addition to this teaching aid one must gain deep understanding of the psychology of the Sean Tarjoto. Here, we can briefly delineate the psyche into three separate entities: The Ego – where the Sean Tarjoto needs money, the Super-Ego – where the Sean Tarjoto needs sleep, and the Id – where the Sean Tarjoto needs a woman.
NOTE: It is not recommended that the beginner Sean Tarjoto attempt any, if at all, of the actions taken in excerpt below. For your own safety and the safety of others, see your local Sean Tarjoto for a pamphlet. And remember: always warm up first.
1. Wake up after six (or before twelve) hours of sleep and remain disoriented for fifteen minutes. When you take a shower, it is important to make contact with the dihydrogen oxide five minutes before it will achieve a mean temperature of 65 degrees (Fahrenheit). Assume towel will be near curtain, if it is not, run to bedroom greeting room mate with the splendor of your naked wetness. Smile. Grab towel.
2. Shower, dress, and leave room with fly noticeably unattended to. Press elevator button twice and then pace in front of doors, so that when the people in the elevator arrive at your floor they will be forced to wonder who the hell pressed the six, only to find the answer rushing in without any kind of forethought or regard for human objects placed inside the car. Smash into attractive girl or hairy football player. Understand that the NYU team is called the "Violets" and that you are perfectly safe. During ride, pretend you are disgusted by the smell in the elevator as well, and subtly place all blame on man in corner with over-the-shoulder stare.
3. Breakfast, although simple and easy to carry, must spill all over either table, cafeteria tray, chair or fellow diner before being ingested. If latter occurs, proceed with short argument and apologies. Eat quickly and leave.
4. Arrive at class as professor places #2 pencil in mark box next to name. Smile, take most immediate seat, appear ready and willing to learn.
4a) Wake up hour later; remove notebook paper from forehead. Ask semi-conscious intelligent question. Nod profusely at professor.
4b) Notice time and telepathically will students to begin stuffing random things into bags. Notice professor’s stunned reaction at everyone’s need to depart and humor subsequent jokes about class time per dollar being wasted. Leave.
5. Enter elevator. Stare at man in corner (preferably same from morning).
6. Enter Second & Last Class of the Day.
7. Head home. Take elevator to sixth floor, although elevator is headed to floors 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and B. Find someone to stare at.
8. Arrive at floor unable to withstand the lie: proclaim, "It was meeeee!" and run directly from elevator to room door. Barge; if necessary, throw things on floor. Check voice-mail, e-mail, weather, zipper, and keys. (Do NOT respond to new e-mail for one week). Lie on bed having gone through a Long Hard Day. Immediately fall asleep.
14A. In event of lack of awkward silence the Sean Tarjoto unit will blabber on prolifically, vomit and collapse. Rest and Relaxation is now necessary. If the Sean Tarjoto has various loyal companions, they will place him in a safe and comfortable area where he will remain undisturbed until full recovery.
14a1) Full recovery – Sean Tarjoto will resume eating.
14a2) No recovery – see primary physician (insurance card in wallet)
14B. The pursuit of the awkward silence will allow Sean Tarjoto to remain emotionally handicapped but prevent the vessel from being physiologically screwed. Conversation will resume only after witty icebreaker such as, "Gee, doncha hate those awkward silences? What did they say in ‘Pulp Fiction’? Oh yeah, it’s blah blah blah blah…"
14b1) Option 1: Plausible Deniability of Whatever Just Happened– continue until Sean Tarjoto devotees/followers leave. Mention nothing afterward. Sleep after staring at ceiling for twelve hours.
14b2) Option 2: Did You Smell That? Let’s Leave – Understand the futility of cafeteria conversation and promptly make excuse to depart and continue own unexplained musings. This will induce an aura of mystery and intrigue around the Sean Tarjoto, and maintain the harmony of the cosmic order. End up sleeping after twelve-thirteen hours.
15. Awaken. Understand it is Weekend. Return to Sleep.
Review Questions:
At the conclusion of this example the Sean Tarjoto will now save this paper and cause no further deliberation to be issued at its publication. Revisions and errors are sacrilegious.