Who Am I?
I am Zog. I was incubated to my grandparent ultrazogs on the fifth lunar cycle of the species horizon. My family tree was felled seven daxoids ago. This is me at 10 lunar cycles: (Please ignore the dragon that is trying to burn my ear)
Deliberately bad artwork by Tarquin.
What do I do?
I am a poet of the order rhomea. Whilst most of my poetry is in my native language, I have had several poems translated into your planet's most widespread language, English. The following is my most famous example:
Drive a beef steak through my heart ‘cos I am a raving h****exual vampire I wonder if normal vampires go biting blokes necks AAARRRGGHH Using garlic and a cross we will see whose loss Shall be the unfolding of my new wings. Exit stage left all ye who enter this werewolf Scratch my nails with your sharpened fangs My silver bullet eats your tormented guts And ultraviolet pierces the dryness of my aching throat Comb the hairs on my coffin lid like those on your face Cheese by day, an orange biscuit mouse by night You drive me batty with all your flapping Cooking your trilobite’s eggs in a hurry Madras sauce peels off your pointed hairy rear And darkens deep where the sun don’t shine Nick nack Katy’s back Give the werewolf a human torso Write my epitaph in Japanese You lanky frankincense ba***rd May myrrh be your companion On your journey to meet the d*vil And vampires light your way with their balls Of H*ll fire, busy noses of bacon
Poetry(!?!) was in fact written by Mark Johnson and Tarquin.
I have been a study of the rhomean poetry for three lunar cycles and have completed my fifth thesis on the subject. I have recently progressed to lecturing on rhomean and youliet poetry.
Where have I been?
I was hatched on the planet Spinsguhr as shown below.
Artwork for both pictures by Mark Johnson.
When the Velvic Storms transformed my home planet to the now familiar pictures as shown below, I became a lecturer in order that I did not have to remain there.
Please
note, this is not Mars.
I now have no need to 'go' anywhere because, as with all our privileged lecturers, I have the pleasure of being omnipresent and therefore have been everywhere (and that includes some mighty smelly places whilst in the nether regions).
Before my omnipresentness, I had the pleasure of exploring several previously unentered (except by other lecturers) passageways, the owners of which (I believe you call them VlRGINS) were very grateful for my explorative nature.
To contact me there is no need to email me, just face west and pray loudly.
Please note that Zog is not in fact real and any similarities to any person, whether living or deceased, are purely coincidental.