I dont have to dream
What happened? Why do I still want the memories? I just want to forget! I want everything ripped from my brain, from my heart, and burned to dust. No one will ever be able to tell me what went wrong. Not even the one who shattered my heart. Why, because even he is too influenced my his "life" that even he cant speck from his heart.
What is Love? Is it when every little thing somehow connects you to that person, sparks an old memory? I dont know what love is, or is it that I wish that I never really experienced true love?
3 years later
... Tears soak my pillow as my brain frantically tries to remember my dream. Curled together, hiding from our present lovers. dont want them to know. but we have our secret love affair. Is it real? or just lusting for the past?
Then the memories tear me away...
...July 30th 01. the best day. We were connect finally. Only on the end to be more confused and have hatred fill the space between us. 30 was a special number. yours and Mine alone. the day, your football jersey, my powderpuff number.
...Two heart-wrenching memories that we both shared. But once we told, we never talked about it again.
...Jan. 9th 02. A night where pure innocence is lost in the love and lust of two people. Not caring that it wasnt perfect, but it meant the world. That moment, ours, forever. Didnt care what was going on around us, just knew we wanted this. and in the end, we loved each other.
...Winter break 03-04, I retreated to Mt. Holly with my cousin to snowboard. Without you. Regret turns me from that night. Not bringing you, not teaching you, just so we could go together. the consequences reflect my dreams today. Your reluctance to beleive that I wasnt cheating. (when I wasnt) But you didnt care, you took my heart that night and you threw it to the wolves.
I hated, a lashed out, I didnt eat, I didnt feel, I just ran. Right into the arms of someone I didnt want. Why? I didnt want to be alone. I couldnt, I didnt know what it was like to be alone. My arms a reflection of how much I hurt but yet not enough to see that I wanted to live.
I dont snowboard anymore. I wish I could but, I cant. I used my brand new Rosignol board a handful of times and now it just sits in my basement collecting dust. Afraid that the time I do go, I will lose the one person that now holds my heart.
I have nothing from my past, No notes, no photos, no nothing!
People always say they cant wait to get out of High School, but I wish I could go back. I wish I could be loved, again.
Why cant I erase you from my dreams? Is it because I want to know the answers?
The ones ill never get.
I am going crazy! Literally insane. I cant think straight half the time. I want this all gone.
Make it go away.
I want to dream again, without you falling in between.
I want to have normal. I want this GONE! FOREVER!