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Near Death Experience
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A middle aged woman has a
heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on
the operating table she has a near death experience.
During that experience she sees God and asks if this is
it. God says no and explains that she has another
30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she
decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic
surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might
as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital
after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding
up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and
asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40
years?" God replies, "Sorry, I
didn't recognize you." ¡@
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Before You Meet God
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A man
died and St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with
God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life,
and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not
at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that
can help us make a decision? "
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and
replied, "Yeah,
once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a
group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron and went up to
the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos
all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the
nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop
bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"
I'm impressed, Peter responded, When
did this happen? About two minutes ago," came the reply.
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Lawyer
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A lawyer is
standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing
his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was
high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all
these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in
my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and
says," Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and
once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and
replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel
next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him
to go to hell."
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Rabbi
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A rabbi goes to heaven and meets God for the first time. A thought hits
him and asks God about what souls eat when they go to hell. God just goes
and tells him to look at what is being served. So the rabbi peeks down
below the clouds and behold it was mealtime in hell. The souls there were
being offered a seven-course meal with New York Strip, mashed potatoes,
tossed salad, cranberry sauce, and a bottle of wine was being passed
around. Meanwhile God informs the rabbi that it was time for his meal -
all he got was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He asks God why the
guys down there were getting the royal treatment while he had to eat -
peanut butter and jelly sandwich. God replied: it simply does not pay to cook for two.
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Temperature
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| The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got
Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or
I'll sue." On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the
lawyers down here. And besides, how can I fix it when you have all
the good engineers?" |
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Wait your turn
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| A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly
gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to
him "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving
lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes
to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at
the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a
busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." The others say "You're
in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line
and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for
lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a
lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the
line and no-one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy,
"He likes to play doctor."
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Divorce in heaven
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| It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!" |
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Improvements in Hell
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An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not
pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and
build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air
conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him,
"So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in
the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like
having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now
or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Heaven or Hell?
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(well, it is not a medical joke, but it is about
miscommunication!)
A software engineer met his end and found himself at the Pearly Gates. The
Gatekeeper greeted him and tallied the score. "Your record is pretty good,
Mr. Programmer. Your sins and your good deeds just about balance out. Tell you
what - you may have your own choice of either Heaven or Hell." The
engineer, weary of design tradeoffs and wary of uninformed decisions, asked for
more details. "Sure," replied the Gatekeeper. Here is the elevator.
You can ride up and see Heaven and down to see Hell. Take your time and make
your choice. But choose wisely, there is no turning back!" So the engineer
rode the elevator up and took a look at Heaven. He saw the angels playing on
their harps and the beatific look on the faces of the faithful, blissfully
flitting back and forth among the clouds. "Well, that looks about like
what I expected," he said to himself. "Let's go take a look at the
alternative." So he rode down the elevator to the floor labeled
"HELL" and looked around there. To his delight he found sandy
beaches, beautiful women, snow-capped mountains in the background, and parties
going on all over. Returning to the Gates, he had no problem informing the
Gatekeeper of his decision. "Heaven looks fine, but pretty boring to me.
Hell is what I have always dreamed of! Let me in." The Gatekeeper handed
him an entry pass and the engineer went back down the elevator to take his
place in Hell. But to his surprise, the sun had gone out, the snow had melted
and the parties were over. There was fire and brimstone, snake pits swarming
with vipers, fiends torturing sinners, and devils tormenting babies.
"Wait!" he cried as two monsters hauled him off to the chambers of
eternal agony. "What happened to the beach parties, fun and sunshine I saw
before?" "Oh," replied the Devil. "That was just the
demo."
........ and the moral of the story is: with a good marketing department, you
can sell anything!!
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Heaven
is....... Hell is...........
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HEAVEN IS WHERE:
The police are British
The mechanics are German
The cooks are French
The lovers are Italian
And the whole thing is organized by the Swiss;
HELL IS WHERE:
The police are German
The cooks are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
And the whole thing is organized by the Italians!
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