Jokes :medical

"And you're crap in bed," shouts the husband, storming out to the car.
When he gets a lull in his work at the surgery, he decides to phone home and make up with her.
The phone rings for a long time before it is answered.
"What were you doing?" he asks.
"I'm was in bed," she replies. "Getting a second opinion.

Specialists

When a group of doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital:
the allergists voted to scratch it;
the dermatologists preferred no rash moves;
the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it;
the micro surgeons were thinking along the same vein;
the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve";
the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception;
the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted;
the orthopedists issued a joint resolution;
the parapsychologists said, "Well, if you encysted";
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!";
the pediatricians said, "Grow up!";
the proctologists said, "We are in arrears";
the psychiatrists thought it was madness;
and finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it;
the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow;
the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter";
the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward;
the D.O.s thought they were being manipulated;
the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water;
the anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas;
the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no;
and the otologists were deaf to the idea.

Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!

A Doctor and A Vet

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

You have to stop

A guy goes to the ophthalmologist.
The doctor tells him, You've got to stop masturbating!
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other
patients!"

Myocardial Infarct

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Good News and Bad News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Way To Eternity

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking."
The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no
dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried.
"Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.
"The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues,
"Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you.
None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

Short Doctor's Jokes

Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before!"

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

Short Doctor's Jokes

Patient: (to cosmetic-surgeon) `Will it hurt, doctor?

Surgeon: `Only when you get my bill, Mrs. Brown'.

Doctor: `Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Tom: `Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!'

`Congratulations, Mr. Brown - you're in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you're only forty.'.

Mavis: `My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.'

Doctor: `Oh, really?' Mavis: `Yes - she tries to prevent me from making her take it!'

John: `How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?'

Doctor: `Cut your head off'.

Prisoner: `Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!'

Doctor: `I am - bit by bit'.

Hypnotist: `Okay, Mr. Henry, when I say "wake up you will no longer be shy but full of confidence and be able to speak your mind ... Wake up!'

Patient: `Right, you! How about giving me a refund, you money-grabbing old skinflint!'

Tom: `What's good for excessive wind, doctor?'
Doctor: `A kite!'

`Do you find it difficult passing water, Mr. Sozzle?

`No, doctor. But I do find it hard to pass a pub!'

Bill: `My wife beats me, doctor'.

Doctor: `Oh dear. How often?"

Bill: `Every time we play Scrabble!'.

Liz: `I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!'

Doctor: `Never mind, you'll pass eventually'.

Liz: `But I'm the examiner!

Your Dog is dead

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".

The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else." So, the vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a Labrador retriever.

The dog jumps up on the table and sniffs the other dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves.

The vet says, "I'm very sorry lady, your dog is dead. "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else...PLEASE" the lady cries.

So the vet goes into another room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe.

It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead." The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?"

The vet says, "That will be $340." The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all you didn't do anything for the dog." "Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the LAB TEST and CAT SCAN!

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night.
I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that...
What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingies
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schemer.
The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!