Insight

Well. This isn't a journal entry. I just didn't think it fit anywhere else and I had to type something before I went nuts. This journal is getting more into my mind than I had intended to allow it to. Anyway. I guess I've been thinking too much. Again. About life in general. I figured out that I am one messed up teenager. As if I didn't already know that. heh. Yes, I'm going to stereotype right now, but get over it. All my friends at school, all the teenagers I know drive me crazy. Teenagers normally want to go out and party. Go clubbing, have a blast, explore the world and the people in it (in more ways than one, actually). See what they can find and do and how much fun they can have in the meantime. And here I am, exactly the opposite. When the hell did I get passed over when the party gene was being passed out at birth? Where was I when the sense of adventure was being handed out?
I've gone clubbing, I won't deny that one. I've been to the bars in Ft. Worth on the strip at Northside, and to Billy Bobs and Cowboys Arlington and places like that. I look older than I am, I can easily get away with it depending on who I'm with. So whats the problem? Any 18 year old girl would love the life I can have if I accepted it, right? Drinking, partying with a large crowd with hot guys. The problem. The problem is I can't stand that. It's no fun in my opinion. Not at all. I would much rather be home with a good movie (or a book, if I'm alone) or out with a very few amount of friends and some small ass place where everyone knows everyone. Preferably with friends I can get along with and enjoy being around. Now the problem with that is the people I have the most fun with are nowhere near my age. Actually, I don't see this as a problem, I actually enjoy being around people older than I am. It's better conversation, I think. Even if I might be considered a total bore to them. (I've never bothered to ask Ron about that one.)
So the next issue with me? People. People my age are having fun, seeing who they can meet and how many they can meet. Not a thought in their minds of settling down or establishing good hard friendships. Only who can help them the most in their next persuit. Exploring the field to see what they can find. So what happened to me? I'm different here, too. My mind is set on finding someone I get along with and enjoy being around. And not some health nut bent on staying alive for as long as humanly possible. If I'm gonna get along with someone, they've gotta have some interesting habits about them. That drives me crazy, too. If someone's gonna die from something, they may as well die happy and doing what they want. Well, except for drugs, I won't take that as far as that.
Anyway, I've strayed off topic. What was I saying? Oh yes. My desires. Am I really that boring? What happened to my sense of fun? And why don't I even care? I don't give a damn that I'm not like other kids my age. I like the way I think, even if noone else thinks the same way or thinks I'm boring because of it. Let them have their opinions and leave me to myself. As long as the people that matter to me accept me for what I am. Which is maybe five people in all, none of which are in my family, but they still matter to me.
I've been thinking alot recently about life and what I want out of it. I know what I want from life.. I just don't know how to get it. Which is pretty much the problem, I guess. Not knowing. We fear things we don't know. I fear life and not gaining my dreams for myself. And not gaining the one thing I want most more than anything else.
I guess I have to let fate to it's stuff. Or do I have to jump in a take a leap? I guess I'll not know until it happens. There's that not knowing thing again. *shrugs* Life can only give to me what I let it give. So I have to go after what I want.. even if it may not want me back? *shrugs and sits down in her black velvet chair* We'll see.