Past Masters - the Archives

Week 67 - week ending 23 November 1999

All sorts of suggestions of inaccurate carpentary skills this week. Along with some truely ingeneous suggestions for some absolutely wacky captions.

I particularly liked the Monty Python one (those crazy Piranah Brothers!), and the novel one about the escargot! However, after due consideration, I decided to give it to Generik with the best of the little vampire related entries.

This weeks picture was found in Jennifers own Gallery

Driving a stake through the tiny little vampire's heart wasn't so difficult; it was cleaning the blood off the couch afterwards that was the REAL chore.

Other Entries

Menno -

"These new webcam kits are not exactly what I expected..."

"AAAnnnddd nnnooowww iiinnn ssslllooowwwmmmoootttiiiooonnn........."

"Buff..." "Buff?!?" "What happened to bang? And where is all this blood coming from???"

Welcome to ToolTime with Jennifer 'The toolwoman' Taylor!!!

"...This box will be large enough for the remains of the one with the lamest comment on this picture...

Giggles - "Don't move! This wont' hurt a bit."

Gregory P. - Bang, bang, I hope the nail does not go all the way through. BANG. OUCH!

Boyd -

"...Stupid child proof saftey caps..."

"One size fits all, my ass..."

(singing)"...day is never finished...*smack*...massa's got me work'n...*smack*...someday massa set me free..." *smack*

"Oh my god, she's killing Kenny; you bastard!"

RedDog4362 - Due to Y2K bug paranoia...Jenni decides to build a new computer....from scratch! (as she says to herself) "That'll show 'em!"

GoLeftRacing - "Why won't this damn hard drive work"!!

007 - "This is going to give a whole new meaning to 'getting nailed!'"

Bob S. -

"Dammed thumb ring -- it's gonna stay on THIS time!"

(Slightly sick) How fast IS a ferret?

cjoh865437 (think Monty Python for this one...) "When I didn't pay for my bandwidth on time, Doug said as I had Asthma, instead of screwing my head to the floor, I could nail a window box to my own knees. Harsh, but fair, those Piranha brothers".

taokitten - "Once I get my arm nailed firmly to this block of wood I am going to smack those maids around for blowing up my hardrive!!!"

Wayne S. - Jenni mumbles;"damn....'just slip on this chastity belt, it's a bit of history....", stupid antiques salesman!"

Eric the DiscoBoy - "Man! Who knew that being Danny DeVito's personal undertaker would be such an easy job?"

Gracie - "This will take care of those damn weeds!"

JoeCrow - Jenny always did have a little trouble grasping Basic Gardening Fundamentals.

jensenblu -

"...I've got to...got to get my hand out, if it kills me...."

"I'll get you out Spree...just hold on baby..."

Generik -

Unclear on the concept of "pounding nails."

"Ow! Hit my thumb again! Ow! Hit my thumb again! Ow! Hit my thumb again! Ow! Hit my thumb again! Ow! ...Damn!!"

"Yeah, my boss is a Jewish carpenter, but he's on vacation this week, so *I* have to fix this stupid cabinet before he gets back!"

"I wonder how the French people slaughter *their* escargot?"

Even after beating it senseless, Jennifer's right hand STILL didn't know what her left hand was doing.

"These Lee Hammer-On Nails may be a little more work than the Press-On kind, but they sure last a lot longer!"

Tonight on the Discovery Channel, we will observe the rare Hammerhead Jennifer in its native habitat.

nashtbrutusandshort -

*tap* "OW!" *tap* "OW!" *tap* "OW!" *tap* "OW!"

"Who'd have ever thought that Home Depot carried ferret coffins?"

The houseplants looked on apprehensively, wondering which of them she would bury alive next.

clear - Jennifer, shouting along: "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, fuck."

David P. - Four hours to bury the cat!?!

Michael K. - "Okay who moved the nail?"

Clint - "GOOBER! Hold... still... you... little..."

Carl A. - Are you sure Bob Villa started out like this???

NewsAt2 - "The lengths I go to, just to satisfy a subscriber's fetish..."

larry "damule" - "Martha Stewart ain't got shit on me!"

Ron F. -

"I don't even want to know why I have a hammer in my hand."

"This is what I do to webcams that do not work."

"All I need is a hammer and a nail and I can fix this."

"My new webcam in a box will be a smash hit"

"That hurt!!"

"Watch out everyone. I am a girl with a hammer on a dangerous mission to save the webcam world from the evil tvcam monsters."

"Who cares that I am making noise, nobody watching can hear it."

"This is a test to see if the viewers at home cannot hear me scream when I hit myself with a hammer. Neighbors do not count. If you can hear me, you will hear lots of cussing and broken objects. Do not worry, this is only a test."

wtandrews - "Is this what guys mean, when they talk about beating off?"

Danial F. - "Dammit, this square peg WILL fit in the round hole!!!"

AhrT -

"Grow...or else"

Jenni performs home surgery on herself. This procedure is called a 'Whackapotontome'

Jenni starts construction on the first JenniLAND amusement ride.

"oooohhh....Titanic. I might take this"

Martin H. - "Damned square peg..."

Peter McD. - "Arrrrgh, meatloaf should not be this difficult."

77 - "Damn Wallnuts!"

Jack K. - "It doesn't matter how small these vampires are, they are still hard to kill!"

Mik - After all the frustrations of her everyday life Jenni takes out her hammer and vents her 'slight' build up of anger out on a poor defenseless nail!!

Frank - In a misguided attempt to improve on perfection, Jenni nails a flower box to her thighs.

Marc B. - "If nothing else works, hit it."

tazy - "If I had a hammer..."