Board Wars
Written by: OztheVampireSlayer
Disclaimer: I am a poor, poor white boy. Any resemblence to "Star Wars" is PURELY coincidental, I assure you. I own the Spoiler Board regulars. They ARE my property.
SPOT: So I say, "kill them all". That sounds relatively direct, nothing could be misunderstood about that. And yet, there’s no killing. The death factor is relatively low in here. Everyone here is alive.
XW: Evil monologues, you guessed it, suck ass.
SPOT: So, without further ado…KILL THEM!
DARTH LARRY: With pleasure. (Author’s note: Whenever an evil boss says "kill them", it is customary for the crony to say "with pleasure"…watch any Flash Gordon cartoon)
WOLFIE: Go on ahead, I’ll handle him! Oz, take this! (tosses OZ a lightsaber)
(WOLFIE and DARTH LARRY fight)
DARTH LARRY: I left you as the student, now I am the master!
WOLFIE: The master of what? The ability to pleasure a rodent?
(DARTH LARRY slashes WOLFIE, who fades away to nothing)
OZ: No! Wolfie Wan!!!!
G-MAN: Nothing we can do now! XWookie, start up the ship!
NYX: Beep boop beep.
HEATHER: Nyx wants to know if we can stop at McDonald’s on the way.
OZ: Ummm…we’re a little occupied at the moment.
HEATHER: We? What the hell are you doing besides sitting there taking credit for everyone else’s work? (OZ turns on lightsaber) Did I mention how HANDSOME you look sitting there taking credit for everyone else’s work?
G-MAN: Okay, I think we’re safe now. Where are we going?
MICHELLE: Headquarters for the Board. We’ll need help.
(Suddenly an image of BOB appears on the monitor)
BOB: Princess Michelle! We’ve decrypted the plans of the Anti-Boarders!
MICHELLE: And…?
BOB: Well, umm…we’re in deep s***.
MICHELLE: We’re on our way there right now.
XW: So, uhh…we stopping at McDonald’s?
G-MAN: Hey, you guys remember that time when we saved the princess? That was pretty cool, huh?
OZ: Of course we remember. It was five minutes ago.
G-MAN: Oh yeah…she was a hottie, wasn’t she? (Insert EW bitch-slappage here, same as before)
OZ: She’s standing right there, numbnuts.
MICHELLE: How fast can this ship go?
G-MAN: As fast as you NEED it to go, baby…(MICHELLE rolls her eyes)
XW: Where’d all the porkrinds go?
NYX: Beep boop beep.
HEATHER: You said it. We’re stuck on a ship with the biggest f***ing morons to ever grace the internet…
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