COTN Celebrity Death Match
Written by: Maye
Disclaimer: I don't own the Buffy characters, or any of the other TV casts (Party of Five/Felicity) I'm just borrowing them. The Creatures of the Night own themselves.
Maye: Greetings wrestling fans!
JenJoy: Maye and JenJoy here, filling in for the usual commentators for tonight’s *very special* Celebrity Death Match!
Maye: That’s right! Because tonight everyone’s favorite independant billionaire, wwolfe, has actually bought out the Death Match just to set up tonight’s fight:
The cast of the WB’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. the cast of Fox’s Party of Five!
JenJoy: Yes Maye, our patron has reserved the ring exclusively for the members of the Creatures of the Night!
(Camera pans the screaming audience, the entire COTN gang is there! Even Jackie, yes that’s right you don’t have to have the chat room to be in my fic! Wwolfe, dressed in a snappy Armani suit and for some reason wearing a viking helmet, stands and waves at the crowd, who cheer yet again)
JenJoy: And now, on with tonight’s match! In this corner......(spotlight on Party of Five).....we have those tortured souls we’ve seen grow from supposed teens to.....well, older looking supposed teens and almost adults - the cast of Party of Five! Let’s give a big Death Match welcome to Charlie, Bailey, Julia, Claudia, Owen, Griffin, and Sarah!
(The COTN goes nuts, booing and hissing. Oz gets up and starts throwing dishcloths into the ring)
Maye: and in this corner......(spotlight on the Buffy cast).....we have those defenders of evil, those guardians of the Hellmouth......the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!!!!!!!! Let’s hear it for Buffy, Willow, Xander, Oz, Giles, Cordelia and Spike!
(Once again the COTN goes wild, this time screaming for joy!)
JenJoy: Here comes our referee!
(AnGeL X steps into the ring, wearing a lovely referee costume)
AnGeL X: Let’s have a good clean fight. LET’S GET IT ON!
(In the stands, G-man misinterprets this statement and starts stripping. Mina immediately bitch-slaps him right back into his seat)
(Mitsy, whom I promised would be in this fic, comes walking out wearing a string bikini and carrying a sign saying “ROUND ONE”. G-man’s reaction to the aforementioned string bikini earns him yet another slap. Heather H. rings the bell, and our heros come out fighting!)
JenJoy: And the fight’s off to a rip-roaring start as Giles leaps onto the ring and begins pelting Charlie with library books! Ooh, that’s gotta hurt!
Maye: Xander pairs off with Griffin, as each of our hunks begin to ruin the other’s hairdo. Oh, but what’s this? Willow’s ears are bleeding!
JenJoy: Yes Maye, Claudia has used her most vicious weapon on poor Willow: her nails on a chalkboard VOICE!
Maye: This could be bad for the Buffy cast......but wait! Spike has now jumped into the ring, discarding the other cast members in favor of the smallest, weakest prey: Owen! He has just bitten Owen! And he’s.....YES! Owen is dead! The first cast member has fallen!
(Heather rings the bell, ending Round One)
Maye: JenJoy did you see that? (Maye looks around, suddenly alone) Jen?
(JenJoy is now toweling off Spike as AnGeL X stands by to offer him water)
Maye: Aw man....lost my co-star. Well, this fic was getting a little wordy anyway. Let’s try to get this going now.....
(Mitsy runs across with “Round Two” sign. Heather rings the bell)
Maye: At the start of Round Two, each cast has lost a member - Owen fell to Spike’s fangs, and Spike has now been commandeered by our referree and my co-star. It’s insanity I tell you! But hey, that’s the COTN for ya! The loss of Owen has deeply hurt our Party of Five team, they have retreated to the corner for family counseling. Using this distraction to their advantage, the Buffy cast attacks in full force! Stakes and crossbows are flying! Sarah and Claudia begin bawling in response, their ear-splitting shrieks sending the Buffy cast running back for cover as Charlie begins one of his dreaded “family talks”! The Buffy cast is hypnotised by all the angst! NO!
But wait! The full moon has just risen! In a surprise twist, Oz shifts into werewolf form and attacks Bailey! It’s werewolf against Scott Wolf! And the battle is a short one as Oz rips the adorable alcoholic to bloody pieces!
(The crowd goes wild! Bell rings! End of Round Two.)
JenJoy: Uh, hi, I’m back. What’d I miss.
Maye: What did you MISS? What did you....never mind, there’s no time.
(Mitsy brings out the “Round Three” sign. Heather H. rings the bell. Third and FINAL ROUND begins!)
JenJoy: The casts are tiring of this fic, and so they come out of their corners looking for blood! Cordelia goes into a cheer, her bouncing breasts mesmerizing not only the male members of our audience, but of the Party of Five casts as well! Xander miraculously breaks away from the sight to neatly be-head his opponent Griffin!
Maye: Oh uh, Julia didn’t like that. Looks like she’s.....NO! She’s putting on lipstick! she’s preparing for the LESBIAN KISS OF DEATH! She goes running toward Willow, lips puckered.....
JenJoy: But she’s intercepted by Buffy! This could be the Buffy cast’s salvation, as our gal Sarah Michelle Gellar received some much-publicized experience in her Cruel Intentions role! The two heroines have locked lips in a fatal embrace!
(Kurupt and Oz attempt to run out of the stands towards the ring, restrained only just barely by Bagel and Nyx. G-man doesn’t even try, as he is paralyzed with lust, looking at the pair with glazed eyes and his tongue hanging out of his mouth)
Maye: And Julia falls! yes! the Buffy cast is winning by miles!
JenJoy: As the rest of the cast distracts Charlie and Claudia, the main attraction of this fight begins: the battle between SMG and JLH!
Maye: Sarah makes a feeble attempt to act confidant and strong, but let’s face it, the girl just can’t act! Buffy immediately punches that smug look off Sarah’s face! This is immediately followed by a sweeping kick to the legs, dropping Sarah to her skinny butt!
Buffy grabs a stake, and raises her arm for the kill.......but wait.....what’s this? She’s looking up?
JenJoy: Buffy makes an agile leap out of the way....as a bomb falls where she was previously standing? What’s going on here?
(BOOM! JLH is immediately blown to smithereens - HURRAY! The entire COTN and the remaining cast members look up to see who has dropped the bomb, and gasp as they see.......)
Maye: FELICITY!?!?!
Felicity: Curses! I have been foiled in my fiendish plan to eliminate my competition!
AnGeL X, looking away from Spike for a moment: Foul! No new players in the match!
(Wwolfe starts shooting satiric barbs at the ceiling, knocking Felicity off her perch and sending her crashing to the ring. XW gives an inarticulate howl of rage and flings herself onto Felicity, and pulls out each curly hair from Felicity’s bleeding scalp! The entire COTN runs out of the stand and into the ring, pummeling the remaining PO5 cast members into nothingness and ripping Felicity into shreds)
Maye, limping back to her podium: Well, that’s it for the Death Match tonight. The Buffy cast, with a little help from the Creatures of the Night, have crushingly defeated not only the Party of Five cast, but also Felicity the Evil One! Not bad for a ridiculously long Board-Fic!
Good Fight, and Good Night!
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