One More Time
Written by: Forgiven
Disclaimer: The regulars own themselves, all of Buffy belongs to Joss and 20th Century Fox.
In every generation there is a chosen one, she alone will stand against the disharmony, the talentless one-hit wonders, and the inevitable drug-induced, career-ending rehab stays… she is the pop music slayer.
The Seven stand on a rooftop and watch the commotion down below. There is an impromptu press conference going on a couple blocks away where a young up-and-coming pop singer is announcing to her faithful public that due to recent "enlightenment" she is cancelling her world tour, and paying 100 dollars for people to return her cd’s to her. The song "Genie in a Bottle" is never to be heard on the radio again after this day as Christina Something-Hard-To-Pronounce refuses any and all permission for it or the silly video ever to be heard from again. The youngest of The Seven smiles at the turn of events… the others follow suit and congratulate themselves accordingly… because they are the only ones who know why the bandage is on Christina’s head…
Mitsy: "That was too easy… I didn’t even work up a sweat…"
XW: "That’s a pity… working up a sweat can be really fun…"
*XW swiftly ducks the flying muffin and sticks her tounge out at Heather*
Mitsy: "I need a challenge"
XW: "Yeah… we are just too good for the small potatoes like Christina… I say we fry a bigger fish."
Mitsy: "We are supposed to down N’Suck next…"
Wwolfe: "So, the trenchcoat chap still tells you who we Kersmack next then?"
Mitsy: "Yeah… I really should ask his name tomorrow night…"
Miesl-Dru: "Well yeah, cuz if you have a thang for a guy you should at least know his name… or at least the length of his…"
Heather: "Hair!"
Miesl-Dru: Yeah… sure, hair… right."
Wwolfe: "I notice that you also said that we are ‘supposed’ to take them down next… I’m guessing that our heroine has other plans…?
Mitsy: "Absolutely! He has told me that I’m not ready for her yet, but I want a challenge… and tomorrow night, we whoop the foul stench that is Brittany Long Stick With A Sharp End.
JenJoy: "How will we find her…? Cuz you know sometimes she runs… and sometimes she hides…"
Maye: "Well, she better run and hide cuz I’m gonna put a Kedd’s tattoo on her forehead like I did that Back-Alley Brat…"
Wwolfe: "I kinda pity the poor girl…
Scene fades out of The Seven and fades in on Brittany having her regular two-and-a-half tons of make-up being applied to her face as she prepares for her show tonight.
Wwolfe: "She has no clue what’s coming."
Zooms in on one of the bottles of mousse being applied to her hair… label reads "For protection against split ends, stylelessness, and magical amulets."
Cut to commercial
The commercial opens showing two girls walking in a mall giggling and talking amongst themselves. Two young men dressed like Back-Alley Brats approach the girls, and begin flirting with them. One of the young men leans close to one of the girls, and by the sickened expression on her face, you can tell that he has just said some very sick comment. The shot pans out and the girl sets her purse on the ground beside her then abruptly spin kicks the wanna-be. The young man falls backward out cold, and the two girls walk off laughing harder. The camera pans in on the now-unconcious youth’s face where "ddeK" is now implanted on his forehead, and the voice over…
"Kedd… for when you absolutely, positively MUST spin kick every Back-Alley Brat in the room… except no substitutes."
Back to the show…
The scene opens in the school where Kurupt is running the nightly class…
Maye: "So then, Woflie flings an album at her, and it trips her…"
Wwolfe: "My favorite Beatles album too… now it has a big scratch in it…"
JenJoy: "So then while she’s getting up, Heather hits her with a concussion muffin, and then Mits goes over to Christina and said ‘Can you fly?’ and then Kersmack!"
Nyx: "…’can you fly?…Why did you ask her if she could fly?"
Mitsy: "I dunno… I always say that right before the Kersmack… it sounds cool, I guess."
Nyx: "But what does flying have to do with…?"
I LIKE that line… my favorite line from any show EVER, and it will henceforth be in Every ep… let’s move on…
Maye: ‘And THEN, not even a half hour after she got smacked, she calls a press conference and calls off her tours and everything!"
Wwolfe: "My favorite Beatles album too… now it has a big scratch in it…"
*Everyone stares at Wwolfe…*
Angel X: "What did you say Wwolfe?"
Wwolfe: "I didn’t say any…"
Angel X: "Shh… everyone be quiet…"
*Everyone stops talking and looks around the classroom, not seeing anything out of place…*
Angel X: "Shh… everyone be quiet…"
*XW silently points to one of the beige walls, where the wall is still beige, however two small crimson eyes are now looking around the room from the side of the wall. Angel X notices this, and posts a message on the board outside of the classroom.*
*Seconds later OzTheVampSlayer enters the classroom*
OzTheVampSlayer: "Where is he?"
*Heather, Mitsy, Angel X, and XW point to the wall where the red eyes are. Then the beige colored gremlin jumps from his hiding place and runs giggling evilly…*
Gremlin: "My favorite Beatles album too… now it has a big scratch in it…" heeheehee!
*Kurupt points at the gremlin and energy crackles from his fingertips as the beam of light shoots out at the gremlin, but he jumps and evades the ray… only to be hit in the arm by JenJoy’s tiara*
Gremlin: "Owww!! "Shh… everyone be quiet…"
*The gremlin leaps at JenJoy, only to be punched in the face by Nyx… through broken teeth the creature howls…
Gremlin: "Shh… ebryone be kyet…"
*The gremlin dodges Heather’s muffin, and another blast by Kurupt, and leaps onto Mitsy’s back and is about to bit her with razor sharp teeth until a hand grabs the gremlin by the back of its neck and hurls him into the general direction of OzTheVampSlayer who promptly fires up his lighsaber and cuts the beast in half in mid-air.*
Loveless: "Are you ok Mits?"
Mitsy: " I’m fine thank you… I coulda handled him myself, and when did you get here??"
Loveless: "Just now… I came in thru the door this time."
XW: "Ah, see thats why we didn’t notice you… no broken glass…"
Loveless: "Mitsy, will you hunt them tonight?"
Mitsy: "Nope! I saw in the paper that a Brittany concert was tonight, so we are gonna go bust her up instead."
Loveless: "No, you can’t go after Brittany yet… you’re not ready for…"
Mitsy: "I AM Ready… and also Willing, and Able…
Wwolfe: "Thats our Mitsy… our own personal Cybil…"
JenJoy: "Oh! Cybil…she was better on Moonlighting, than her own show… her show sucked."
Wwolfe: "Wrong Cybil doll…"
XW: "Wolfie is referring to the one with multiple personalities…"
Mitsy: "Oh, well I only have ONE personality… the one thats gonna stomp Brittany into a pile of goo."
Loveless: "It’s not that simple…"
Miesl-Dru: "Hey trenchcoat guy, whats your name anyway…?"
Loveless: "Loveless"
XW: "Loveless huh…? Maybe you could find some love if you weren’t forever breaking windows and being so mysterious…"
Mitsy: "And we are GOING to Kersmack Brittany tonight so get over it."
Loveless: *sighs* "Fine then… but I’m going with you."
Mitsy: "Fine."
Loveless: "Fine"
JenJoy: "Fine"
XW: "Coarse"
Nyx: "And if youre puttin a hurting on that snob Brittany, then I am BEYOND there!"
Loveless: "Fine"
OzTheVampSlayer: "You are gonna take care of Brittany, huh? I wanna ride along…"
Mitsy: "Fine"
Wwolfe: "Well, we are certainly goin after Brittany with the whole 9…"
Mitsy: *counts* "There are 10 of us, not 9…"
Wwolfe: "I know… it’s an expression… comes from when fighter pilots used to have their guns filled with nine yeards of ammo, and when they would unload on a target it was called ‘giving them the whole 9…"
Everyone Else: "Oh"
Mitsy: "Then its settled… let’s get to work."
XW: "All-out mayhem, here we come…"
Meanwhile at the stadium where Brittany has just finished her concert, one of her aides hands her a cell-phone and tells her that she has a call, and that its important. Brittany takes the call…
Brittany: "Yeah… is she coming?"
Voice: "She is on her way tonight… right now."
Brittany: "I’ll handle her, don’t worry about it."
Voice: "We are concerned… this one has friends…"
Brittany: ‘Yeah, well so do I… now if you two will excuse me, I have work to do."
Voice: "Don’t take that tone with me young lady… remember who made you what you are…"
Brittany: "Ok, fine… can I go now? I’d kinda like to prepare my ambush if you don’t mind…"
Voice: "Do your worse…"
Brittany: "I always do…"
Voice: "We know… its why so many people see you, and why we chose you…"
Brittany: "yeah-okay-fine-whatever, bye now."
*Brittany hangs up the phone and an evil grin (as if she has any other kind of grin) plays across her heavily glossed lips…*
Brittany: "Come slayer-girl… and when you do, I’ll be waiting…"
Cut to commercial
Next week on VTV:unplugged The artists formerly known as the Back-Alley Brats have formed a band with the artist formerly known as "Christina Something-hard-to-Pronounce called "Krista’s Guitar" and they will play a segment of acoustic and artistic renderings of their previously released pop hits, mixed with classics such as "All Along The Watchtower" and "I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends"… Plus, a rare behind the scenes interview with the lead guitarist, as he will explain what the "ddeK" mark on his forhead is… Thursday night at 9pm… only on the 9spot…
Back to our show…
An empty stadium. The 10 warriors walk down the ride side aisle and are looking around nervously…
Wwolfe: "No security guards this time… I smell a booby trap."
XW: "A Fake booby trap of course, but a booby trap nonetheless."
The group is startled at noises coming from a side door… Mitsy takes the first step towards the it…
Loveless: "Be careful… this whole sitch looks bad"
Mitsy: "Don’t worry about it… I’m da slayer… just watch my back."
Miesl-Dru: "He has been watching your ‘back’ since the last fic…"
*Mitsy swings open the door, only to discover that it’s a closet, and inside it are… you guessed it…
EW: "Close the door please…? Busy much."
G-Man: "Shouldn’t you be hunting N’Suck anyway??"
Nyx: "Well… it occurs to me that since you DO know that Mitsy’s the slayer, that if you didnt want to get caught you would go to… oh I dunno, a Master P concert closet and make out…?"
*Loveless reaches into his trenchcoat and pulls out two tennis racquets and tosses them to the closet-dwellers*
Loveless: "These are for you… I heard you were a tennis instrutor. These can help."
G-Man: "Um… not THAT kind of tennis…"
Loveless: *confused* "What kind then?"
G-Man: "um… nevermind…"
EW: "They are very nice, besuretoclosethedooronyourwayout, buhbye now."
Mitsy closes the door and the group moves onward… and Miesl-Dru is struck in the forehead by a fling "I love Brittany" posterboard..
Miesl-Dru: "What the…?"
Another one flies towards the group and JenJoy hurls her tiara at it slicing it in half, and the two halves float harmlessly towards the ground… its now that the group sees that they are surrounded by about 75 teenagers and preteens all wearing "I love Brittany" t-shirts and hats…"
JenJoy: "Uh oh…"
Wwolfe: "It’s such a shame that she actually has this many fans…"
One of the kids steps forward and speaks…
Spokesperson: "We are the Brittany Fan Club… and you are the slayer and her friends. You will all die horribly before we let you touch one hair on our Beloved’s head. Arm yourselves…"
Miesl-Dru: "Sheesh! Was there a memo that we were coming or what…??"
Loveless: "I was afraid of this… She was warned…"
Mitsy: "By who??"
Nyx: *seeing that the boys are about to charge them*"Um, chat later, fight now!"
The fan Club charges and two of them are immediately rendered unconcious by a mustard gas muffin. Mitsy goes to work and with a dazzling series of kicks and Kersmacks, holds back four more of the members. While Wwolfe, XW, Mitsy, JenJoy, Nyx, Maye, Miesl-Dru, Heather, and Loveless try to defend themselves against the horde, Brittany appears from behind a curtain and smiles. G-Man and EW emerge from their love nest, and move towards each other as if to kiss, then they both turn and face the kids.
EW: "Cant a girl and a guy make out without being disturbed by fighting and fan club tyranny?? Trouble you want… trouble you will have."
Bearing the tennis rackets that Loveless just handed them they approach the crowds and simultaneously they motion as if throwing a ball in the air (tho they throw nothing) and swing the racqets as if serving an ace… and two of the Fan Clubbers drop like stones.
Meanwhile, Mitsy is trying to fight through the crowd to get to Brittany, but her path is blocked and the fight looks hopeless… Meanwhile OzTheVampSlayer calmly walks into the middle of the fight not being touched by any of the Fan Club and uses the Jedi Mind-Trick…
OzTheVampSlayer: "You know… Mariah Cant-Carry-A-Tune-Without-Doing-That-Screeching-Thing-At-The-End-Of-The-Song’s music is a lot better than Brittany’s… and she’s prettier too.
Spokesperson: "Hey, you guys know what? Mariah Cant-Carry-A-Tune-Without-Doing-That-Screeching-Thing-At-The-End-Of-The-Song’s music is a lot better than Brittany’s… and she’s prettier too. Lets go guys."
Mariah Cant-Carry-A-Tune-Without-Doing-That-Screeching-Thing-At-The-End-Of-The-Song’s fan club (*ed. Note… I’m LOVIN that whole cut and paste thing right about now…) then exits the stadium… much to the dismay of the would-be songstress…
Brittany: "No! Wait! You guys are supposed to kill the slayer for me! Het back here! I’ll give you all free autographed pictures…"
Mitsy: "Wow… can I have one??"
Brittany: "YOU want my picture…?"
Mitsy *approaching Brittany*: "Well, yeah… cuz it would Rock to have the last pic you ever signed…"
Brittany: "Forget it… my crew has left me behind, so I’m out. I’m leaving now, and you can’t stop me!"
Mitsy: "uh oh…"
Maye: "Leaving??"
XW: "She said the ‘L’ word…
Maye: "Who’s leaving??"
Maye: "What’s with the leaving??"
Maye: "There will be NO leaving!!"
Maye jumps onto the stage and proceeds to whooping the crud out of the teen icon, and then Nyx notices something odd and pulls out a pad and paper, and begins drawing.
Meanwhile our heroine jumps on stage positions herself behind Brittany and asks…
Mitsy: "Can you fly?"
Brittany: "Before you try it, you should know that I am wearing "Block all hair mousse!! Cannonballs couldnt fade these bangs, much less your little amulet…" HAHAHA!
Nyx: "And YOU should know that I noticed how your bangs were deflecting Mitsy’s kicks, so I figured it was the styling gel… I just drew you getting normal mousse put in your hair instead of the invinsible kind…
*Nyx tosses her drawing into the air and it vanishes…*
Nyx: "Kersmack her now, please."
Mitsy: "You got it!"
KERSMACK!!
Brittany: OWWWW!
Mitsy: ‘What’s that you said? Hit me baby one more time…?? Ok!"
KERSMACK!
XW: "Gah! That was brutal Mits…"
Mitsy: "She did ask for it tho…"
XW: "Indeed she did… but no more, ok?"
Mitsy: "Can I please??"
XW: "The more you hit her, the more talented she gets…"
Mitsy: "oops… I’m done then. Hey! Did anyone see where Loveless went to??"
*Everyone shrugs their shoulders and looks around*
XW: "Hmmph… just like a guy…"
Wwolfe: "Ahem…"
XW: "Present company excluded of course!"
Maye: "Can we go back to the school now? My hands hurt from hitting those ignorant bangs…"
Mitsy: "yeah… maybe Loveless will be back there, cuz I got some stuff I need to ask him… like how she knew we were coming!"
Wwolfe: "We are safe for now… so I think that Loveless will give us those answers when he is ready to…"
Mitsy: "I’m gonna Kersmack him for leavin me here too!"
Wwolfe: "He did tell us not to come though…"
Mitsy: "Ok…yes you are right… man, I HATE logic…"
XW: "Just like a guy…"
And the group exits the stadium, leaving behind a very confused Britanny, and posters and signs bearing her name strung all over the place. Another pop musician has been saved, and the world has been saved from another pop musician… all is right… unless of course you ask the voice that was on the phone…
In a secluded bunker (ed. Note… not really sure what a bunker is, but it sounds cool…) The Two Villains plot…
#1: "I cant BELIEVE that they took out Brittany! She was my fave…"
#2: "She must pay…"
#1: ‘She’sll go after N’Suck now… and when she does… no force on this earth will be able to save her… or her little groupies! Pop Music Will Reign!"
The End
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