Revenge of the Regulars 2


Written by: AnGeL X

Disclaimer: This story was written all in good clean fun. No bazoars were hurt in the making of this fic (although, I would like to hurt some of them). I apologize in advance for any technicalities that don't make sense. Half of this story was already written when I wrote the first part, and so I'm mixing some old Regs with some new ones. Chances are there are at least one or two instances where a new Reg is conversing with an old Reg and neither one of you know each other. This is fantasy...deal. I don't own Buffy or Angel and anything taken from the shows I claim no ownership of.


For the purpose of this fic, and to keep from putting anyone/thing in jeopardy, some names were changed to avoid problems. All of these "bazoars" were real offenders, but some do still occasionally check the board, and some are good now. I try to explain each of the bazoars as best I can for all those that may have missed their visits. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

I *tried* to get all of the active Regulars in this story with at least one line. It probably is something you would never say...but oh well. If I did miss you, so sorry, but there are well over 160 of you people! I'm not Joss!

* * * *

"Bazoars? You let a bunch of freaks pay you to shut our boards down?!" Havoc shouted.

"Well..." The tall man took cowering steps backwards before the backs of his legs hit the table. A look of pure fear took over his face as he realized he and his partner were trapped.

"We're going to have to hurt you now," Joe said, grinning evilly.

"Wait! Don't! We know where they are...or at least we think we do. They...left an address," The shorter of the two men begged, nearly in tears.

"Well?! Where is it? We haven't got all day," Xander'sWoman said, tapping her foot.

"You know, this all would make a great fiction," Bagel commented as both man darted from the room.

"Loveless, you could do wonders with this story," Heather added.

"And you've seen what I do to the characters and people I actually like. Imagine the possibilities with these...people," Loveless said evilly.

"Here! Here's the address. Please don't hurt us."

SealedNFate grabbed the piece of paper from the tall man. "Well, at least they're in the same city."

Starlite peered at the paper. "Deserted warehouse in the middle of nowhere, here we come."

"Why's it always a deserted building?" Jen asked.

Like no one has any sense of originality?" Slayergirl asked.

"These are bazoars...they lack originality," oscar said with a roll of her eyes.

"They lack a lot of things," xosluver added.

"Can we go, please?" The tall technician pleaded.

"No! Not until you fix our board." Onos demanded.

"But...but..." The shorter man stuttered, unable to think of an arguement.

"No buts about it! We want our boards back, now!" Angel luvr crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the men.

"Okay, okay!" The shorter man ran off into one of the back rooms while the tall man stood nervously in front of the Regulars.

"You two don't have a very large vocabulary, do ya?" Firechild said with a grin.

"Um..."

"Nope, they sure don't," jojo_342 said, laughing.

A few minutes later, the short man came rushing back into the room and handed Michelle a piece of paper. "Here. Your boards are working again. These are the new passwords, which you'll have to change later."

Michelle nodded after looking at the paper, then looked at the man who was still standing in front of her. "Go away."

"So, now what?" Drusilla asked.

"We go find the freaks, and do away with them," Kurupt said.

"Murder?!?" Pilgrim Soul asked nervously.

"No, of course not. Something much worse," Dorit replied.

"What's worse than murder?" Mitsy asked.

* * * * * *

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Huh?" Seth asked, barely glancing up at the questioning person.

The question was asked again in the same tone. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Will someone shut her up?" A man with a deep voice asked.

"That's not a 'her,'" Tony said, grimacing.

Irritated, Mysterio turned around and shouted, "Well then, shut hi--ewwww." Upon taking a look at the annoying bazoar, he turned around quickly.

"STELLA!!!" Stanley shouted, for no apparent reason.

"Someone shut him up too."

"Oh my God, Sarah Michelle Gellar is so #^$*%! HOT!" Mike shouted.

"Sarah Michelle Gellar is like my best friend! I was talking with Joss last week and he has this top secret plan for an episode where the vampires can walk in sunlight, and instead of blood, they crave cranberry juice! I just totally love the idea so much!" Sarafina said, trying to find someone who would pay attention to her.

"Oh please, not even *I* believe that," Venom said, turning his back on the annoying young girl.

"Whatever. Can we hurry this up? As you all know, I have connections with the show and I'm working as an extra on the Felicity set in two hours." Sarafina smiled smugly.

"Why are we here anyway?" burtabel asked.

Suddenly encouraged, Larry stood up and spoke proudly. "To take over the Spoilage Message Board! The one that we enjoy posting nasty and annoying messages on."

"But, I only liked to bug the main board," Kinslayer pouted.

"Everyone just be QUIET!" A man shouted, loud enough to be heard throughout the large room and over the many voices. Slowly everyone ceased speaking and turned around to face the corner where the voice originated from. "Now listen. I've brought you all here to help me win a war. The first step has already been taken...the message board account has been deleted."

"Deleted? But, then what are we going to do with ourselves? Where are we going to go to annoy people? Where am I going to go to seek pity?" The young man said, his voice shaking nervously.

"Larry, Larry, Larry. You are one of our most respected guests here. You annoyed the board for nearly a year, not just stopping at crude posts, but you went as far as to ask for the help of these people. Granted, you did provide them with your home address, and continued to e-mail the Bitch Momma after getting banned...but those are small technicalities. One would think you would understand to sit down and shut up!"

Shocked, Larry slowly returned to his seat on the couch.

"Well, what do we do now?" Joe Shmoe asked.

"We watch the net and see what happens," the man said calmly.

Obviously annoyed at being brought to this warehouse and in the presence of such insanity, Joe Shmoe replied bitterly, "Yay."

Suddenly, a thin man jumped up from one of the couches. After clapping his hands several times to get everyone's attention, Arnold announced loudly, "I must find the bathroom. I'll be back."

* * * * *

Meanwhile, the Regulars had arrived at the abandoned warehouse. The group quietly scattered around the outside, and peered through the surprisingly clean windows. Mouths agape in shock, they could only stare at the sight that met their eyes. Scattered through the room were couches, chairs and tables, but the biggest shock of all was the diverse group of people that filled the building. Some sat around, looking bored. Some danced around like fools. Others were engaged in verbal and sometimes physical fights in various locations around the vast warehouse.

"Oh. My. God." Without blinking, Talia stood still in front one of the windows, marveling at the freak show inside.

"There are hundreds of them..." f=j said in awe.

"I think I'm going to be scarred for life," Roxymoron said, turning away from the window she had been peering through.

"Please tell me they're here to be recruited for the circus," VampyrSlayer said.

"Or maybe they're escapees of an insane asylum," BoB supplied.

"Possibly both," Virtygo said, rather calmly.

* * * *

"Don't look at me like that! I'm Superman!" A guy took a running leap across the room, landing face first on the ground seconds after he took off. "Ow."

"Ouch. You bit me! I'm telling!!!" HoneyGraham cried.

"I'm a vampire! I will drain all of your blood!" Ancilla announced, attempting to look like a vampire as she chased HoneyGraham around the warehouse.

"You idiot! You're not a damn vampire! I hate vampires!" Chelsae Peterson said.

"At least we're in the right place," Enigma mumbled, cautiously looking around the large room at the people that were clearly labeled with name tags as Message Board Bazoars. The Regulars had quietly opened the two large doors leading into the warehouse, carefully watching the display of people before them.

"Wait! You've explained your 'brilliant' plan, and all... but we still don't know who you are," Stephanie stated.

"My name is Tim," the man provided proudly.

Another voice broke the silence, coming from the back of the room. "But you told me your name was Mark."

"No, I could have sworn he told me his name was Darren," a female at the man's side said, glaring angrily at him.

"Hey! He told me he was AnGeL X!" Another female voice shouted from the other side of the warehouse.

"But, I'm AnGeL X," a young teenage girl shouted.

"No, I am! I'm shutting all the boards down!" The older man yelled and jumped about like a child throwing a tantrum.

"You're all wrong," Lindsers said, making the Regulars' presence known to everyone. All voices ceased to speak, and all eyes slowly moved to the two large doors in one corner of the warehouse. A crowd of about fifty had gathered into the room, and more were grouped outside.

"Nice try, but *I'm* AnGeL X." Michelle said, breaking the silence.

Suddenly, a young boy pushed through the crowd of Regulars and came running into the main room, nearly out of breath. "They're here! All the Regulars are here!"

"Gee, thanks. Next time warn us BEFORE they walk in the room?" Scott A. said angrily.

"Next time? There's gonna be a next time?" CherryWillow asked in a nerovous whisper.

"I really hope not," Kuzibah said.

"So, we've established who I am, but who are you?" Michelle continued to try and converse with the leader of the pack.

"*Who* am I?" The man asked as if he were the king of the world.

"That's what she asked, dimwit!" SocKs shouted.

"Duuuude! He's like the lead guy 'round here. Whoa, that sounded cool." Freedom Chyld turned and began walking across the room, looking down to see his lips as he spoke. "Duuuude. Duuuuuudddde."

"The name is Gremenisi Sloan."

"So your parents just knew you were going to turn out that ugly...and gave you a name to match?" Max commented.

While Michelle tried to talk calmly with Sloan, LaVelle and Miesl-Dru approached a young man sitting on one of the chairs. "You Scott A.?"

"Um..." With a frightened look, Scott took off running for the nearest exit with LaVelle chasing after.

Grinning, Miesl-Dru followed, stopping only to provide a quick explanation for their departure. "I'm just gonna go...help," she said. Minutes later, everyone heard someone yell and a door slam.

"DOGPILE!" AngelzBuffy announced, charging for the nearest bazoar. Other regulars followed her lead and ran to the center of the room.

"Wait," one of the bazoars cried out, causing the Regulars to stop. "We're not newbies!"

"Yeah so? What's your point?" Alex said, impatiently.

"This is a different kind of dogpile," Green Armadillo said.

"Yeah, the kind where we pile up on bazoars and beat the crap out of you," Kay said as she tackled a bazoar to the ground.

The rest of the regulars joined in, throwing unsuspecting bazoars into the center of the room before pouncing on them.

"Whoever has their elbow in my ear, remove it please!" surleigh cried.

"Ow, knee. Knee on my spinal cord," Roxymoron groaned.

"Someone just bit my hand!" DGH yelled.

"Oops, sorry," Kuyovedas apologized.

"We're supposed to be hurting the bazoars, not ourselves!" onesy shouted.

Kira brought a girl towards the mass of people, when the young girl attacked. "Oh that's it. You're going down. No one punches me and tries to poke me in the eye," Kira said as she shoved the female bazoar into the dogpile and dove in after.

Live4Buffy spotted someone trying to crawl out from the bottom of dogpile and grabbed the boy's arm. "Hey! Get back here. There will be no escaping from the dogpile!"

"Bonsai!" Delirium shouted before diving into the pile of people.

"Isn't it time for the secret weapon now?" Andromeda asked, eagerly.

"Oh yes, the secret weapon!" blondie bear cheered.

"Not yet, there is still fun to be had," Ozzie said, grinning at the sight before him. The Dogpile was starting to calm down but the occasional bazoar flying through the air was quite amusing.

"Which one of you losers is Larry?" JenJoy shouted over the crowd, scanning the crowd in search of her target. Pointing him out to Maye, the two charged towards Larry.

"Hey Larry! Remember me? Maye?" Eyes narrowing, Maye and JenJoy both took cautious steps towards Larry.

"Oh...um...oops." Larry took several cautiously moving backwards, finally finding he was cornered.

Maye took a deep breath before continuing. "Yeah, 'oops' you little--"

Suddenly, LaVelle exited one of the back rooms. "Okay, who brought a chainsaw?"

G-man and Evil-Willow stalked towards their soon-to-be victim. With a cheap Darth Vader mask on, he was an easy target to spot.

"Come here you annoying freak!" Evil-Willow yelled as they chased the bazoar.

"Everyone, STOP!" skinner hollered, loud enough to be heard throughout the warehouse.

"It's time for the big finale!" greeneyes added when everyone quieted down.

"Can't we knock them around a little bit longer? Please?" G-man begged.

"You've all had your fun," jenm reasoned. She then turned and tried to quiet the crowd of Regulars outside.

"Not enough fun," buffy_summers_ pouted.

"Well, the sooner we finish up here, the sooner we can go out and party," Carrie said.

"In that case...everyone hurry up!" Lydia yelled, rushing to join the crowd of Regulars.

"I'll go get Leo and Dru," coma girl said as she ran to one of the back rooms. Moments later, a grinning Lavelle dragged Scott A. back to the middle of the warehouse and joined the rest of the Regulars.

From the back of the crowd, Jeff, Xander, and Megg carried a large metal box forward, depositing it in front of Michelle.

"Here you go. One really big, heavy, box," Megg said, sighing in relief.

Xander lifted the top of the box, and what they saw inside made them both smile. "This should be fun."

"Oh yeah, should be a *blast,*" Jeff said.

The various Board Cleaners all gathered around the metal box and each placed a hand on the large button that read, "Delete."

David shouted loudly to all of the Regulars, leading them in the countdown. "Five, four, three, two...one." With a happy smile, the Board Cleaners pressed the delete button and then watched happily as the bazoars were slowly deleted.

"Help, I'm melt--no, I'm breaking up into billions of little pieces!" Sloan cried out.

The screams and angry cries lasted for nearly a minute before there was silence.

"Always wanted to do that," Angharad said.

"We all have," Michelle said.

* * * *

"Well, we finally did it. The bazoars are gone," Floss said, collapsing against a wall from exhaustion.

wwolfe sat down on one of the chairs and sighed, "The old ones at least...there will be more."

"Then we can do all this again!" Lucy said.

"So, now what?" Net Boy asked curiously.

"We saved the boards. I say we party!" Michelle said cheerfully.

The Regulars of the Buffy Cross & Stake partied for days before all returning to their respective homes.

* * * * *

Everyone lived happily ever after.
Except the bazoars...cause well, they're gone.

The moral of this demented fairy tale? Don't break the rules of Michelle's boards...or be mocked mercilessly in her board fictions.

I know, the last dialogue line is a lame parody from Buffy...but we are Buffy fans, so what are you gonna do about it?! Huh?

Obviously, you don't get the entire "feeling" of what the bazoars were like from this fic. Trust me, if you missed out, you're incredibly lucky! However, the majority of the "annoying" bazoar quotes were actual quotes from their time at the board. I changed very few names, since well, the freaks deserve to be made fun of! The bazoar leader is pretty much a mix of many bazoars (Scott, Larry, Oracle, Anonymous, Nameless). I was going to use just one of them, but decided that I didn't want to be the cause of any trouble...which I probably already am with this. Oh well, I had fun writing.

* * * * *

The End

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