The Zippo
Written by: Xander'sWoman
Disclaimer: This entire story is mainly about me. Any resemblance to actual events is a complete exaggeration, please hold all applause and rotten fruit until the end.
Notes: The story takes place in the bizarro posting board room of my mind which actually seems more like a real room being that it has a basement and that the characters can move in and out of it at will, can see one another and can drive cars on highways and go for slurpies and such. It follows no logic but my own.
I own all the characters contained within. They are my freaky-arse love slaves and also clean my house from top to bottom at least once a week.
(Xander’sWoman comes blasting into the room like a whirling dervish, as per usual.)
“This board will be the death of me, I tell ya! So how many of you whackadoodles actually showed up tonite?” –XW
(crickets chirp loudly in the background)
“Ahh, forced yet again to answer my own post. You guys didn’t all rent a van and take off somewhere cool without me, did ya?” –XW
“Hey, XW! I’m swamped, what with constantly improving my ultra cool website and working on all my fantabulous drawings and you know, just shooting off an extremely brilliant and funny fan fic whenever the mood strikes me. So don’t hate me if I’m a little distratcteded tonite. Pffftt…spelling!!!” – Nyx
“XW…have you seen my latest drawing yet? You’re gonna love it!!! Hey, Nyx…did you check your email today? I sent you some more of my stuff, …most likely you won’t be able to see it, because for some reason, everything I send you turns out to be a tiny thumbnail image that you can’t do anything with. Let me know if by some strange miracle, I actually did it right this time.” – Bagel
“Hey Bagel, I’ll scroll down and take a look at that now. That flag you did up for the club rules by the way, in my highly esteemed, humble opinion.” – XW
“Nope, still not right, Bagel…try and send it again.” – Nyx
“A hex upon my evil scanner!!!!!! A hex!!!! A hex that involves fleas and stinky lunch meats.” – Bagel
“Hey fans-o’-mine……here’s what you’ve been waiting for….the eagerly anticipated Part 7 of my story. Please no pictures, no comments…..just throw money.” – Oz
“You guys, your abundance of talent is freakin’ unbelievable! Is there anything I can do to help any of you out?” – XW
“Nothing that I can think of at the moment. Why don’t you just hang out and try not to do anything too taxing. We all know how easily exhausted you get after any mental exertion.” – Oz
“Ah, that’s right, I forgot. Geez, I can barely see you guys anymore what with all this egg on my face.” –XW
“You know…..speaking of eggs, I AM kind of hungry…how ‘bout going out on a food run for us. That way you won’t be in the way… er, I mean…get into any trouble.” – Nyx
“Yeah, good idea….just remember…..NO BAGELS!” – Bagel
“Well, um, sure…if you guys don’t really need me around here.” – XW
“Ahhh, I really have nothing to say. XW apparently felt obliged to put me in the story.” -Wolfie
“Yup, we’ll be fine without ya……I’ll take a cherry slurpie, since you’re going out. ….So, what did you guys think of my story?” – Oz
“Oooookay…be back in a jiffy.” –XW
(Five minutes later…cruising the proverbial highway.)
(XW, singing along with the radio, more like shouting along with it, and laying down some mighty funky grooves.) “Billy Jean…is not my lover….she’s just a girl who, claims that I am the one….but the kid is not my son…Heeeeee!” “I wonder if the rest of the club actually appreciates me…I’m starting to feel a little left out of the group. I may not draw or write or read, or hey, think an awful lot, but I have stuff to offer. Sure, it’s mostly just lame toilet humor and constant praise, but who can ever have enough of that, really? Hmmm, I hate feeling so useless….I’m like….like…a damn empty zippo lighter….no use at all. That’s me….the zippo. The freakin’ zippo. HEY COOL!, a dollar store!!!” “She was more like a beauty queen, from a movie scene, and every head turned with eyes that dreamed of being the one…but the kid is not my son……chhhhmon!…..” – XW
(XW slams on the breaks as she sees a shadowy figure step out in front of her.)
“Who…who are you?” – XW
“Ah…how quickly we forget. Shall I step into the light?”
“Gah!?!?! Larry!!!!! But…but…I thought you were banished for life…how can you be back?” – XW
“Ahhhh…..I left it all up to my protégé…Evil Bob! He was able to conjure up a spell that released me from my banishment. (Muttering) I just wish it hadn’t involved doing that stupid little dance. I hate when he does that dance.” – Larry
“Evil Bob??? But, we all thought he was just your extremely lame alias?” – XW
“YES!!! Exactly what I wanted you to think, you simpering simpletons! And since you were so easily fooled and lulled into complacency by my pathethic, depressing ramblings, I will now be free to attack you at my every whim with vicious, nonsensical insults and cheap four letter vulgarities. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAHAHAHAHAHAH…ha..ha…ahem. Now, hop in the back Evil Bob, Xander’sWoman here, is gonna take us to get some ‘cake’ making supplies, >wink, wink<” – Larry
“Ummm… I saw that. Next time, try turning your head AWAY from me when you’re trying to wink at Evil Bob. So, I’m guessing we’re talking something like bomb supplies, or some other evil weaponry like that?” – XW
“Er…uhhh…. I…uhh…don’t know what you mean. Umm….damn…a bug flew in my eye…ouch.” - Larry (turns away from XW and winks at Evil Bob)
“Oooookay, fruitcake. Whatever. Just point the way.” – XW
(Back at the homefront.)
“Geez, it sure is taking XW a long time to get back. You don’t think she got into any trouble, do ya?” – Bagel
“Most likely.” – Oz
“Well, she…….nope……still got nothing.” - Wolfie
“Yeah, she does seem to be running into trouble a lot. What she needs is a hobby to keep herself busy. She should take up drawing fabulously beautiful pictures. That would fill up some of her free ‘trouble’ time.” – Nyx
“I’m not sure whether she could handle drawing…or writing…or anything creative for that matter…besides her chronic diarreah of the mouth, that is. Let’s just all keep an eye on her and try our best to keep her out of harms way, whaddya say?” – Oz
“Sounds good, Oz…you are our Jedi Master after all, we pretty much listen to everything you say.” – Bagel
“As it should be.” – Oz
“Alright….here’s another ridiculously stunning picture for you all to look at. Commence with the cooing!” – Nyx
Opening shot of the basement which lies just below the room Nyx, Bagel and Oz occupy along with the other clubbers.
“BWAH-HA-HA….ha..uh…hah. Evil Bob…..is the bomb, er…I mean ‘cake’ ready?” – Larry
“I can plainly see that it’s a bomb now. There’s really no need to keep up this silly ‘cake’ charade.” - XW
“I..uh…honestly…have no idea what you mean. PREPARE to light the extremely long, skinny and fuse-like birthday candle Evil Bob! Somebody’s getting one DOOSY of a present this year.” – Larry
Evil Bob pulls a lighter from his pocket and prepares to light the candle/fuse.
“As you can see, Evil Bob is not much of a talker….but my evil twin is quite the looker, eh?, If I do say so my stunningly handsome self. Now, let’s begin a heartfelt round of ‘Happy Birthday’, shall we?” – Larry
“Alright, really…I draw the line at happy birthday. It’s a bomb, you freakazoid, a bomb…..say it with me…..BOOOOOOMMMMB! I know it’s a bomb, you know it’s a bomb, Evil Bob knows it’s a bomb. Heck, that guy standing over there in the corner…what’s your name?” – XW
“Uhhhh…Chuck?” – Chuck
“Yeah, see, even Chuck knows it’s a bomb. So let’s just get on with this, eh?” - XW
(Chuck bolts from the room screaming like an impaled kitten.)
“Ahh, yes…I see you are much more intelligent than I anticipated. From what I’ve seen of you, with your silly toilet humor and lame jokes, I assumed you had suffered some kind of massive head trauma when you were younger, rendering you incapable of rational thought. I see now, I was mistaken. Your logic and reasoning must be finely honed since you were able to see through my intricate ‘cake’ plan. I will reveal my true plan to you now. For you see…….the ‘cake’ I’ve been referring to is actually a….” – Larry
“Bomb…yes, I know this. A bomb…a bomb….a freakin’ bomb. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT’S A BOMB! Geesh” - XW
“Yes…a bomb…and by your reaction I can tell that it has struck you nearly dumb with fear.” – Larry
“Uh, nearly dumb with ANNOYANCE would be more appropriate, actually.” – XW
“Yes, well……enough of the chit and the chat….say good bye to your fellow clubbers and say good bye to your self while your at it…cause this is the end. Evil Bob and I will light this bomb and deftly sneak by you out of the room…leaving you standing here, unbound and free to roam about alone, most likely trying--in vain--to stop my evil, evil plan.” – Larry
“Well, not to be the bearer of bad news….but there is no way in hell you are getting out of this room alive.” – XW
“And just how do you intend to stop me?” – Larry
(XW closes the basement door, which conveniently locks automatically when shut. Only the janitor’s key can open it.)
“Oh.” – Larry
“So, here’s the deal, Lar…..you go ahead and light that fuse…..cause I for one….am not afraid to die…..but you and Evil Bob-head over there will be dying right along with me. How’s that for a kick in the knickers?” – XW
(Evil Bob drops the lighter, and begins running around the room in circles, pounding on his head and shrieking like a three-year-old girl.)
“Hmmm…I see Evil Bob got the brains in the family, eh?” - XW
(As it turns out, Evil Bob is not merely Larry’s EVIL twin, but his TRANSVESTITE evil twin, to boot. Hence the girlie shriekage.)
“Aaaaaargh. I can not believe you were able to foil my diabolical plan. What are you some kind of superhero?” – Larry
“That’s right, baby…superhero. Superhero…I like the sound of that. Me, Xander’sWoman…a superhero. Hmmm, superhero….precisely.” – XW
While XW stands there with her head in the clouds, quietly singing “Superhero” from Garrison Star and imagining herself in a sparkly red, skintight spandex outfit, someone opens the door from the outside.
“XW, ya big goof, what the heck are you doing down here? Oz is like totally jonesing for his slurpie. And hey…..Nyx and Bagel put up like 50 unfathomably terrific pictures for us to look at, plus, just to emphasize that everyone but you has one talent or another, I’m getting ready to perform my famed soft shoe routine, so c’mon.” – JenJoy
(Singing) “I don’t ever want to leave the stage, yeah-ah-ah, I am a superrrrheroooo…these days…I don’t ever want to leave my age, I am a superrrheroooo…” – XW
(While JenJoy was talking, and XW was still lost in happy spandex land, Evil Bob grabbed the lighter and lit the fuse. He/She and Larry then bum rushed JenJoy, knocking her to the ground and escaping up the stairs.)
(Just as the door was swinging closed, XW snapped out of it.)
“JENJOY…..THE DOOR!!!!” –XW
(In a moment of extreme athletic ability, JenJoy performed some kind of split/kick/flip maneuver and landed squarely on her feet just in time to catch the door before it latched.)
“Been working out on the thighmaster again, I see. Or else, that is one mighty remarkable soft shoe routine you perform.” – XW
“XW, you kill me! Oh!…….the fuse...we’ve got to stop the bomb!” – JenJoy
“Don’t worry, Larry and Evil Bobina weren’t the true evil geniuses they thought they appeared to be…..there’s like a ten foot fuse on this thing. What goobatrons!” – XW
With that, XW casually strolled over to the burning fuse, licked her finger and thumb (in a non-sexual way) and pinched the fuse between them.
“Problem solved. See, I knew I was good for something. Licking your fingers and putting out fuses….put that one on your resume and smoke it! Hey, check it out…..I’m like, …the Anti-zippo!” – XW
Just then, Oz came barrelling down the stairs.
“SLURPIE….SLURPIE….SLURPIE. Hey, you two…XW…I’ve been waiting for like five hours for my slurpie…….what, did you have to actually GO to magical slurpie land and MILK the magical slurpie cow yourself?” – Oz
“Magical slurpie cow…huh-wha…? You didn’t, by any chance, just have some more teeth pulled, did ya?” – XW
“Nah…c’mon back to the room now……will you?……we’re a tad lacking for witty banter……plus……I’ve just posted a kick-arse, pullitzer prize winning part of my story, and of course…Nyx and Bagel have posted up a few hundred more stunningly brilliant pictures for us to oooh and ahhhh over. We’ve got so many pictures posted up, it’s like a freaking Color-Forms board in there.” – Oz
“Is it like the cool Scooby-Doo Color-Forms, or the cheesy no-frills Color-Forms with trees and rabbits?” – XW
“Ahh…that’s my girl…..see….what would we do with out you?” – Oz
“Most likely make equally lame jokes in my absence.” – XW
“We could try XW, we could try.” – Oz
Oz, JenJoy and the newly brimming with self-respect XW head off into the sunset to the sounds of XW singing along with the great one…..
“Billie Jean, is not my lover…she’s just a girl who claims that I am the one…but the kid is not my son……”
“XW, who sings this song?” – Oz
“Why, Michael Jackson, of course…the king of pop himself.” – XW
“Well then…why don’t you LET him.” – Oz
The trio laughs and the picture freezes and unfreezes several times, a la C.H.i P.s. (a 70’s tv show about two motorcycle highway patrol cops, for all the youngins in the house.)
The End
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