A bachelor enjoys the chase but doesn't eat the game

A big enough hammer can usually fix anything

Age needn't necessarily be a bar to immaturity

Agh! My fortune cookie contradicted my horoscope!

Air pollution is a mist demeanor

Armed man - citizen. Unarmed man - subject.

Armed, dangerous, and off medication...

Arsonists of the world, ignite!

Blood is thicker than water and better on crackers

Born again. And again. And again...

Born ugly and losing ground ever since

Choral sex spreads a-choired immune deficiencies

Death and taxes? Now it's `shipping & handling'

Death can stunt your growth

Don't Know, Don't Care, Doesn't Make Any Difference

Don't worry, this life doesn't count

Everybody lies about sex

Everyone's an asshole in their own, special way

Everything must end, that's what gives it value

Get thee behind me Satan, I was here first

Get thee down. Be thou funky.

Get your mind out of the gutter, it's crowding mine

He who laughs last probably made a backup

Hedonist for hire, no job too easy

I could use a little boredom right about now

I dated a contortionist, but she broke it off

I left my body in my other clothes

I like children, but I couldn't eat a whole one

I was the best I ever had

I was waiting for the sign to turn green, officer

I'm not anti-religion but religion is anti-me

I'm not bald, I'm hairing impaired

If I lose my mind, I hope someone will turn it in

If I made myself clear, let me know and I'll start over

If I wasn't married I'd have to beat up total strangers

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing

In the Name of The Old Man, The Kid, and The Spook, Amen

Indiscriminate study bloats the mind

It's too bad ignorance isn't painful

It's tourist season, get your license now!

Jehovah's Witness Relocation Program Director

Life sucks but Death swallows!

Life sucks, but it won't swallow

Life's too short to tell the truth

Money is how people with no talent keep score

Monotheism is a gift from the gods

More fun than a Ginsu Dildo

Never fallen in love, but I've stepped in it

Never fight the ugly, they have nothing to lose

Obviously I've made a serious vocational error

Of course I'm perfect, just read my resume

Portions of this message have been pre-recorded

Sad what the mind can do, isn't it?

Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses

SCA life is a feudal existance

So near and yet so what?

So, I kill indiscriminately. Like you don't have a hobby?

Someday we'll look back on this and shudder

That's just my opinion. Actual user opinion may vary.

That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help

There are two ways to handle women, and I don't know either

There is no easy way to bathe a hummingbird

Washington, DC - America's work-free drug place

We're all in this alone

Where can you go to get anorexia?

Where's there's smoke, there's toast

You call that sexual harassment? Check this out...

You can never really have too much infinity

You're all insane and trying to steal my magic bag!

A bureaucracy can outwait anything

A cat is domestic so far as suits its own needs

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer

All men are born equal, but some of us improve afterwards

All men are cremated equal

All men are different, but husbands are all alike

Avoid any disease without its own organization

Avoid junk mail, get an unlisted ZIP code!

Bald men don't waste their hormones growing hair

Can I run my toes through your hair?

Can you raise your IQ by eating gifted children?

Copper wire came from two lawyers arguing over a penny

Could a million Shakespeares write like a monkey?

Could you be a little more vague?

Don't be conspicuous, it draws fire

Don't be intimidated by reality

Don't blame me, I voted for Aleister Crowley

Error reading sex drive, (A)bort (R)etry (L)ick it

Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects

Everything's back to normal. Damn.

God helps those who help themselves, so I do

God is real, unless declared integer

God made everything out of nothing and it shows

Honesty - Fear of being caught

Honk if you ARE Jesus

How am I supposed to know what a rhetorical question is?

I don't want everything, just your half

I embrace poverty! To annoy me, send money.

I see you're unaware of my telepathic abilities

I seem to have lost my telephone number. Can I borrow yours?

I'm glad so many men are gay - more women for me!

I'm having a bad-hair life

I've had an out-of-body experience already - birth

I've never been on TV, but I've been on radar

If you let go, something will happen

If you only have a hammer, everything's a nail

If you shoot a mime, make sure you use a silencer

It's not PMS, it's the only time I can be myself

Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind

Look, this slogan has the word FUCK in it!

Look, you just go live your life and I'll live someone else's

Love is blind but lust is deaf

My girlfriend said I never listen, or something like that