It’s the 1^st of September.. Which means tomorrow I will start back at work after ‘Rehab.’ I wonder what everyone will say. I know I’ve got some mates left there, I know the people who will judge me and I know the people who won’t care about what I‘ve done. I know that Jim Carver won’t care because he knows what’s it’s like being addicted and he knows how much support an addict needs… I’m hoping that he will be there to give me the support that he didn’t get when he returned.

 

I had a meeting with Superintend Okaro when I first left  ‘Rehab’ two weeks ago. He told me about all the chances at Sun Hill including the return of Smiffy or Sergeant Smiffy now. We never really when were both the same rank and before I became a junkie. 

  

 I’ve been telling myself that he might understand why I did what I did.. Simply because I couldn’t cope.. Couldn’t cope with losing Cass. He knows how much everyone on the relief becomes each others family… he’ll understand about how all that was distorted by the fire. Cass was the only person I had left. I know there was Tony, Reg, June and everyone else but they’re not the same. Yes I get on with them.. Yes I can talk to them about work and we can have a laugh when we’re down the pub after a shift or something… but can you really see the likes of June Ackland and Reg Hollis getting down on a dance floor in a nightclub? It’s not just that though, both me and Cass missed the officers that died in the fire, like Sam Harker.

 

  Sam was a great mate.. He was so down to earth and he had a great way of speaking his mind without offending anyone.

  

  I couldn’t believe it when I heard about the fire and about all my friends and colleagues that had been killed. Six of them altogether.. Six of them that I would never see again, Ben Hayward, Di Worrell, Sam Harker, Andrew Monroe, Kate Spears and Paul Riley.

  

  Monroe was a good Inspector too, always took he’s officers side over anyone else. Smiffy used to say that I was management ‘blue eyed boy,’ that’s probably another reason why we never hit it off, I had so much easier then him. He had to work so hard to gain their trust, while it came to me naturally. Now it’s different, I have to gain everyone’s trust, most of all, Smiffy, my sergeant. 

    

 Ben and Di were great too, they didn’t deserve to die. Ben was so young, he’d only just started out… he’d never fulfilled his dreams on making it on to the drug squad, like he promised his sister he would.

     

 Di shouldn’t have died either. What was Josh going to do, now that his mum was dead, I don’t know if I could have served without my parents.

       

 They were what made me wanna quit drug and sort myself out, seeing the look on their faces when they came to see me… the look of disappointment. They never said anything. Right from when they first found out, all they’ve said is ‘I’ll help no matter what…’ and ‘we’ll love you always..’ How could I not want to make them proud of me again, like they were when I told them I was going the force.

 

When I first left ‘Rehab’ I stayed with them at home but they started to do my head in…. although I know they only cared. One time we ran out of milk, I offered to go to the shop to get some more… I wasn’t allowed on my own, mum had to come… she pretended she wanted the fresh air but I know that I hadn’t won their trust back yet. At first I accept it and let them do what they wanted but it came to the point that I wasn’t allowed no privacy and I was sick of it.

 I should have handled it better but I just packed a bag one night and left. I didn’t tell them or leave note, the reason being I needed time on my own to think about everything that had happened and plus I had no idea where I was heading.

   I remember walking past the station… debating with myself whether to go in or not.. Of course I didn’t.. I wasn’t ready.

    I started to walk to the train station; I knew were I was heading, to Liverpool.

    I needed to tell Cass why I did what I did and I knew that she would listen and understand, wherever she is.

 

I had tones of phone calls and messages from my parents and Okaro, telling me to ring them so they know I was all right. At the time I felt bitter and interpreted it into meaning..  ‘They wanted to make sure that I wasn’t dead due to an overdose…’ I refused to make connect with them.

 

After two nights staying in a crappy ‘bed and breakfast’ and three days of sitting alone in the graveyard… talking to Cass, I meet a woman called Zara. Her mother had just died from a heart attack. I told her that Cass was a mate and I couldn’t handle work at the moment. She believed me and said she didn’t blame me but also said that I shouldn’t shut family and friends out of my life and they could help me deal with it. That’s were I went wrong in the first place… I should have talked to someone.. There was enough offers.. Sgt Ackland.. Reg… Sgt Gilmore… Robbie and even Des but I couldn’t… I couldn’t let people knew how I was feeling. I thought that my have blamed me for not stopping her from going to meet Kitson, why shouldn’t they? I did. I told myself that if I would have told her what I felt for her things might have been different.

  It was after Zara had left that I began to realise that Cass was the closest person to me and I was the same for her. She wouldn’t have wanted me to throw away my life on drugs. She would have wanted me to do the job that we both loved and lived for.

  I went back to the ‘B&B’ grabbed my bag, paid and headed back to Sun Hill to prove that I could do it.. That I wanted to be a policeman and uphold the law. I was willing to win back the trust from everyone, even Smiffy, who to start with had very little for me.. But I was going to do it.. Not just for me but for Cass as well.

 

When I got back, I arranged a meeting with Okaro so that I could explain where I went and why. He understood why I had did it and expected me to do it a lot sooner then I did. He also told me that he had complete faith in me and knew that I wouldn’t have gone back on my word.

 

My parents were so worried that they have driven me away. They thought that they would never see me again and agreed to give me more space and trust.

  They apologized for treating me like a kid… but to be honest I can’t blame them.

 

I can’t believe that I start back at work tomorrow. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I’ve been told there are some new faces at the station and I don’t know how they will react… I don’t really care, I don’t know them and they don’t know me. I do care about what the others think though.

 

How will Smiffy treat me?

 

Will Jim understand?

 

Is June still the ‘mother figure’ of the relief and will offer her support?

 

Will Cameron hold a grudge against me for letting him take a blame for the locker room thefts?

 

Will Phil still blackmail me?

 

 The only way I’ll find out is by going in tomorrow and showing my face, again.

 

 

 

 

 

To day is the day.. I’m up at 6:00 making sure I’m ready in time. I can’t help but smile as I hear Mum pottering around down stairs.. I think she more excited them I am. She has been great since I came back from Liverpool. I told her the real reason behind everything and how I felt about Cass. It’s a lot easier to have someone to talk to.

 

I typed in the code for the back door and pushed it open to see the station corridors. For once they’re no one in sight… I’m not sure if this is good or bad.

  I smile as I walk easily down the corridor, its feels like I’ve never been away.

  My heart stops when I walk around the corner and come face to face with Kerry Young.

 

“Oh. Nick.. Hi…” Kerry stutters.

 

“Hiya Kerry…” I mumble back.

 

“How are you?” She asks.

 

“A lot better…” I manage.

 

“Good…” She smiles at me, adding… “Its good to see you..” and then she gone.

 

I stare at the empty space where she was just standing.. Thinking how easy that was.. I wonder if the rest of the relief will be like that… doubt it.

 

My heart beats faster as I near the Male locker room. This is it.. This is the moment of truth. As I touch the handle I can hear Smiffy’s voice, I instantly know he’s talking about me…but I don’t care.. He can say what he likes.  I open the door and the conversation ends and they all stare at me as if I’m the boogieman.

 

Will it always be like this?

 

I dunno.. But I’m sure as hell going to find out!