Dec 3-Dec 9

Jump on any chance you get to watch an elementary school football game. Because there's nothing funnier - NOTHING - than nine-year-olds in full pads.

I think Best Buy should get rid of the "Thousands of Possibilities" part of their slogan. Then it would just be, "Best Buy: Get Yours." I would definitely buy something from a store like that.

So there's a new Peter Pan movie coming out in a few weeks. Honestly, studio execs, is a kajillionth version of Peter Pan all you could come up with? Write an original script every now and then, you lazy fucks.
Nov 12-Nov 18

Delicious irony: when you're stuck going 10 mph behind a trailer that says "Goodyear Racing."

Modern medicine in action: We can't cure the common cold, a harmless, seemingly simple bug humans have dealt with for centuries, at least. Yet we men now have multiple options if our peep's on the fritz.

We as a society have been completely desensitized to the word rape. Can you think of a more degrading, vile act?
Nov 5-Nov 11

You know you had a good meal when two flushes are necessary.

When you were a kid, did anyone ever tell you that there is no such word as can't? I took that literally. It was years before I finally got myself straightened out on that.

I never use the phrase "no pun intended" in print because it's pointless. Of course the pun was intended! If it wasn't, you could have simply changed your sentence before publishing whatever it is you wrote. Just say "pun intended," pause for my chuckle, and continue.
Apr 27-May 3

Here's a question people should stop asking: "Why do girls always go the bathroom in groups?" Please. It's been done.

It's weird how humans are wired. Whenever I drop the soap in the shower, I always think, "Well, it's a good thing I'm not in prison." And it's the only time I ever don't take that fact for granted.

College students (myself included) spend way too much time on away messages that are often only marginally funny.
Mar 11-Mar 17

A little SAT practice for you high schoolers-
Architecture : Lucifer as Carpentry : _ _ _ _ _

I wonder why fans of some teams, like the New York Jets and the UAB Blazers, form groups and call themselves "Gang Green". Do they know what gangrene is? If so, why did they call themselves that in the first place?

I was reading something the other day that insinuated that Saddam Hussein was "The Second Coming of Hitler." The man's no saint, but that's ridiculous. Hitler is one of history's great monsters; Saddam might go down as some kind of weird side note.
Mar 4-Mar 10

One of the main reasons rap is so insufferable is that since it became mainstream in the mid to late 90s, it hasn't changed at all. Rappers have been doing the same song over and over again (I got hoes, I got money, I'm so cool, I'm a gangsta, or a combination of all four) for years with a few occasional exceptions. Needless to say, the exceptions are the only ones that are any good.

I don't want to hear Arkansas jokes from anybody. But I lived there for 8 years, so it's ok for me. Here goes: How did Arkansas become The Land of Opportunity? There's about as much opportunity in Arkansas as there are palm trees. Or better yet, how about The Natural State? If you ask me, hillbilly inbreeding isn't natural at all.

I don't really know what I think about the whole Iraq thing. It's a huge mess that both sides have complicated. But I do know that North Korea poses a much bigger immediate threat. Three words: nuclear friggin' weapons.
Feb 25-Mar 3

A quick comparison of USC'S own EVK and McDonald's:
EVK
McDonald's
Unhealthy
Yes
Yes
Unclean
Yes
Yes
Tasty
Rarely
Usually
Looks like McDonald's wins.

To whom it may concern: For the love of God, stop arguing about the correct term for carbonated soft drinks!! I'm sick of all these idiots getting riled up when people say "pop" or "soda" or any other variation. It's called regional dialect. Don't be a discriminating bastard.

I can't believe Major League Baseball has such a loose policy on substances that are banned in every other major sport. And now, they're holding a debate on whether they should even ban this ephedra stuff at all. A player is dead; even if ephedra isn't linked to the death, it makes absolutely no sense to continue to allow players to use it.