Listen.
Know that your child will continue to meet and have to deal with different individuals throughout her life. You can help her develop the flexibility to succeed in a variety of relationship settings by asking questions like, "What does this particular teacher expect from the students?" or "What do you need to do to take care of yourself in this class?"
If a teacher calls to discuss a problem, ask for specifics: "What is he doing?" "When did this start?" "How often does this happen?" "What are your consequences for this type of behavior?" If necessary, ask the teacher to refrain from making judgments about the worth of your child, and stick to the specifics of his behavior.
Avoid becoming defensive or, if possible, feeling the need to prove your competence as a parent. Likewise avoid allowing an educator-or the feelings that you experience in a school contact-to shame you into hurting your child.
If a teacher becomes angry or abusive with you, it's appropriate-as it is in any relationship-to break off the exchange until cooler heads prevail. Let the teacher know when, or under what conditions, you'll be willing to resume the discussion. If necessary, request an intermediary or bring one of your own.
Be aware that chronic misbehavior may indicate hidden problems-either at home or at school. Consider counseling and/or testing when necessary (but keep your focus on solu
In your initial contacts, ask about their goals and expectations, rules and limits. Find out how often, and under what circumstances, you can expect to hear from them.
Make sure the school has information about your schedule and availability. If it's not OK to call you at work except for emergencies or if you prefer a particular time for phone conferences, let them know.
Focus on the positive. When you're so moved, send the school "good notes" that comment on the time someone has taken with your child, the excitement she's inspired, her patience or planning, or even the bulletin boards! Teachers-and administrators-receive precious little recognition as it is. Letting them know when you appreciate something they've done will go a long way.
Avoid speaking for your child, even if he's very young. Contribute your observations, needs, or personal experiences, and encourage your child to express his own.
Avoid defending or making excuses for your child, as well as the overwhelming temptation you might have to rescue him from the consequences of poor choices he makes.
Avoid automatically taking the teacher's side. Do your best
