"Crash And Be Axe Murdered"
By Coral

Disclaimer: Trek and anything else in this story belongs to someone who isn't me!

Coral's Stories ~ Email Coral

Based on a challenge from Aquiel to Jr10:
I would like you to write a story in which Kathryn's computer experiences major problems...and she calls none other than faithful Chakkers to help! See, this is what happens when you've been ready to murder your puter all day! ::grumbles grumbles::

I first started writing this after a series of problems juuuust like the ones used as a basis for this fic! :)

Dedicated to Nieke, for helping me with the pretty colours on IRC, to Bec for coming up with the title, and to both Bec and Martin for understanding when my forced absence cuts our chats short!

Kathryn Janeway managed her temples with a deep groan. It was only 8AM; she'd been awake for an hour and on duty for thirty minutes, and already she knew it was going to be One Of Those Days.
She knew this because her computer screen was blue With white writing that she didn't fully understand. But she'd already seen it twice since logging onto her computer today, and that was three times too many.
She sighed as she thought of the duty roster that she hadn't saved yet. Reluctantly, she found three keys on the unfamiliar keyboard and pressed them all at the same time. The computer beeped in protest, but refused to restart. Mad now, Janeway repeatedly pressed them until the computer shut itself down and restarted.
As she waited for the lengthy reboot sequence to complete itself, she walked around to the replicator. She briefly considered replicating an axe or club and taking it to the offending piece of hardware, but she decided to content herself with the mental image and a cup of coffee instead.
A chime-y noise signalled that the reboot sequence was nearing completion, and she sat wearily back down, coffee in hand. She took a long sip as she waited for the auto-start programs to load, wary of risking overloading the system again.
Finally, the log-in box appeared. She typed in her username and password, and instructed the computer to connect to Voyager's mainframe. Impatiently, she watched the progress on the screen.
'Finding link...'
Janeway started drumming her fingers on the desk as the message changed to: 'Trying to establiush connection...'
"Come *on*," she muttered, wondering if she would ever get any work done today.
'Connection busy. Try again later.'
Fighting back the urge to swear, Janeway cancelled the attempt, re-entered her password, and set it to try again.
'Finding link...'
'Trying to establish connection...'
Janeway held her breath, as if the slightest disturbance could disrupt the connection.
'Verifying Username And Password...'
"Yes!" Janeway barely noticed that she said this out loud; all her attention was focused on the computer. But no sooner had she said it than cold fear began to grip her heart. Was it her imagination, or was the verification process taking longer than usual?
An ominous click issued forth from the computer, one that Janeway knew meant that it had closed the connection. That fact was verified by the message on screen:
'Username or Password Invalid.'
Janeway barely resisted the urge to smash the computer. Instead, she re-entered her details and started again, crossing her fingers for luck. She got up and paced, coffee in hand, as the computer attempted to establish a connection.
Same result.
And a third time, and a fourth. The fifth time, the computer reported that the connection had a fault. Then the next time, it was invalid again.
"Janeway to Torres," the Captain said through clenched teeth.
"Torres here." The Chief Engineer sounded harried.
"Torres, my computer is insisting that my password or username is wrong!"
"Others have the same problem. I can give you the subspace frequency to get in contact with the Tech Support."
"Go ahead."
Torres told her, and Janeway immediately opened a channel on that frequency.
"This is the BedRotPant Tech Support Frequency. There is currently no one here to answer your query. Open hours are 11-12 every third Sunday in the year, except in cases where that day is proceded by a Saturday, in which case we will be open from 11-11:10 on the next Tuesday, providing the apocalypse is scheduled for the following Friday. Please call back then. Please call back then. In the meantime, you can access our on-line support and diagnosis program by logging on as usual, and accessing the help file. Good day."
"I can't log in!" Janeway yelled as the channel went dead. Muttering darkly, she took off her commbadge and flung it across the room. It bounced off the window and fell to the floor, slightly dented. Janeway glared at it, then turned her deathglare onto the computer.
The deathglare - normally enough to fell a humanoid - had no effect.
Struggling to control her anger, she told it to attempt connection once more. She paced the room as it tried to connect, nursing the last few inches of coffee in her hands.
The ominous click.
'Username Or Password Invalid'
Janeway lost it. With a scream of frustration and fury, she hurled the mug at the screen. The mug shattered, leaving coffee stains trickling down the monitor. Shaking with rage, she retrieved her commbadge. Then she sat down, burying her head in her arms and taking deep breaths, trying not to cry as she wondered what to do about the situation.
She tapped her commbadge.
"Janeway to Chakotay. Report to my Ready Room immediately."
"On my way, Captain," was the First Officers instantaneous response. "Chakotay out."
Languidly, Janeway reached out and pressed a key. The screen froze. She tried moving the cat (a very odd control device, by her reckoning), but the corresponding arrow on the monitor wouldn't budge an inch. She tried pressing some more keys, then pressing a lot at once, then eventually she slammed her hands down on the keyboard, pressing nearly every key simultaneously.
No response.
She ctrl-alt-deleted, but all that happened was that the computer beeped loudly. She tried pressing the off button, but it had locked into the safety mode, and she couldn't turn it off. She couldn't disrupt the power source, as it was internally contained and tamper proof.
Janeway wondered what would happen if she took a phaser to it. She was still toying with the idea when someone called for admittance.
"Come," she called, hoping that it was someone who could fix this stupid computer.
Chakotay stepped through the door. "You wanted to see me, Captain?"
She glared at the computer. "This stupid... THING reckons my password is invalid! And, when it DOES let me on, it CRASHED every TEN MINUTES!" She stalked around her desk, soming face to face with him, continuing her rant as she did so. "And you'd better be able to SORT IT, mister-" she jabbed a pointy finger at him "-or you and MISTER Neelix will be spending the rest of this JOURNEY in the BRIG!"
Chakotay backed up slightly, away from the fiery-haired fury in front of him. "Wouldn't it have been better to call an engineer?" he suggested nervously.
"Uh-uh." Janeway shook her head. "*You* purchased and installed this system, *you* can make it work... or else!"
Chakotay gulped. "What - er - what exactly is wrong with it, Captain?"
"*Currently* it's frozen, and I can't turn it off."
Chakotay edged nervously around her to the innocent looking computer. "Did you ctrl-alt-delete?" he asked, looking the screen intently. He wondered whether it was possible to hypnotise a computer into working.
Janeway rolled her eyes. "Of course. And I tried turning it off, but it wouldn't."
"Hm. I think we're going to have to establish a localised dampening field," Chakotay explained as Janeway replicated a replacement cup of coffee. "That will interrupt the power supply and force the computer to reboot."
"Oh?"
"Yes, I think it'll work." He looked around. "I don't suppose you have a portable field generator on you by any chance?"
"Of course, Chakotay," she retorted sarcastically. "I *always* carry a field generator. What do *you* think?"
Chakotay tapped his commbadge. "Chakotay to Torres. Portable Field Generator to the Captain Ready Rom."
A few mutterings in Klingon that could reasonably be construed as curses came over the commline as the PFG materialised. "Torres out."
Janeway watched as Chakotay set up the PFG by the computer. "I think you and Neelix made a mistake, getting this Skylight Operating System."
"But Gill Bates was *very* persuasive."
"It was a *bad* idea."
"It's the operating system for the next century, Captain! And you get a free upgrade every few years if you register your copy!"
Janeway's stare was withering as she dropped into her chair. "I think it was quite possibly the worst mistake you ever made."
Chakotay turned to look at his Captain. "You're all tense, Kathyn."
"My computer isn't working," she snapped. "What do you expect?"
The First Officer circled behind her and started massaging her shoulders as the dampening field snapped on. "Just relax."
Kathryn began to do so, feeling the tension ebb away as Chakotay's swift fingers relaxed the muscles. She had to admit that his mere presence was helping too.
"If we can't get the computer to work, I think you should take the morning off. Go to the Holodeck, or something," he suggested.
A small explosion knocked the two to the floor. The computer lay on its side on the desk, half-destroyed.
"Ooops," Chakotay commented from his vantage point on the floor.
Janeway got up and glared at the smouldering mess. "This does it!" she yelled. "Chakotay, you and I are going to the holodeck to blow a few things up! But, first..." A wicked gleam shone in her eyes as she walked across to the replicator. She pushed some buttons, and the computer replied, "Unable to complete request without command authorisation."
"Authorisation NHC-4742."
"Authorisation accepted," chimed the computer, and Chakotay heard the sound of something materialising in the replicator. He watched, frozen in horror, as Kathryn Janeway advanced on the computer, axe raised above her head.
Like lightening, she brought it down, chopping and hacking until, soon, the computer was nothing more than a handful of components, none of which were bigger than about a centimetre across. It looked like a pile of diced Leola Root.
Slowly, she put the axe down. Smiling sweetly, she asked, "Well then, Commander? To the holodeck?"
Chakotay gulped. Go to the holodeck with this maniacal Captain Janeway? Was he really that... crazy?
He looked at her departing form and realised the answer was yes...