Thoughts
By Coral
Disclaimer: The Characters belong to Paramount.
Dedicated to The Powers That Were, for creating such a wonderful set of characters; and The Powers That Be for depressing me enough to write this.
Calm and collected, but inside my mind was screaming, over and over and over. Why was this happening to me again? Why?
The blackly humorous part of my mind told me it was because Chakotay was a lousy pilot and I'd let him out again, but I was too upset to even begin to listen to myself.
Times like this were the worst. It was times like this, when I was faced with the possibility of losing Chakotay, that I realised I couldn't live without him.
Then why keep pushing him away?
Because I'm the Captain - I can't be distracted by something as trivial as a relationship. Because I can't afford to worry about hurting Chakotay. Because I don't have the time or energy a relationship would require.
I'm afraid of the loss of control. Afraid of the way he makes me feel - the way I feel now, so confused I can't think straight. I can't be objective about Chakotay - that's no way to run a ship.
And I'm afraid of his loss of objectivity. As the captain, I have to place the crew's welfare above my own. I'm worried that he wouldn't be able to do it - to sacrifice my life for the crew's. A captain/first officer relationship would never work, never. There are unspoken rules about this sort of thing for a reason. Rules don't just appear out of nowhere - at least, not most of the time.
This situation we're in is impossible. Always waiting... waiting for the other to make a move. Oh, I know that sometimes I lead him on, but never seriously, and he knows it. He's like a lost puppy, waiting for whatever I can give him, hoping for more, but never expecting it.
And me? Sometimes... sometimes I'd give almost anything to be free of the responsibility, to be free to throw myself into his arms and tell him how much he means to me, and not worry about the consequences. But something - something always holds me back. I know deep down that I can't do it, can't give in to what I want. Captains have to make sacrifices - personal lives are just one of them.
And even more so out here, separated from other Starfleet officers and ships. Here, I'm the highest-ranking Starfleet officer, and I can't be divided when I'm making decisions - decisions that can affect lives - our lives... his life.
What am I trying to tell myself? That I should tell him how I feel? That I shouldn't?
Tuvok would say that my emotional dilemma is illogical, and would undoubtedly show me the right path - the logical path - to take. But I find it difficult to express my feelings to myself, let alone Tuvok, old friend though he is.
So I guess I am alone, after all.
What mixed feelings those words bring! It's hard to believe that our encounter with the Borg was less than a year ago. We took a strain then, but, for a while, I thought we could get over it, go back to the way we were. The whole experience troubled me. I realised that Chakotay's support was like a life preserver to me - without it, I was in over my head.
And maybe that's what I'm really afraid of - losing the fragile balance of friendship that we've built up since we first started our long haul home. New Earth seems further away and far more distant and unreal than Earth does. It's such a difficult balancing act that one wrong move could tip it, leaving us both even more alienated than we already are, and I know I couldn't live like that.
"Captain, the commander has regained consciousness," the Doctor called, interrupting my reverie. I wondered briefly if he had any idea as to what was going on in my mind, but that thought - and most of my others - flew out of the window when I saw Chakotay. His soulful eyes looked up at my approach, and he smiled disarmingly at me.
"That's another shuttlecraft you owe me," I said, struggling to keep a firm grasp on my last strands of logic.
"How many's that now?"
"I'll ask Tuvok. Hey, take it easy," I protested as he went to get up. "The Doctor hasn't released you yet." Not that that would have kept me in sickbay, kept me from doing my duty. Chakotay - he's more rational. He would have kept me in there - he's intense, single minded sometimes.
"I'm sorry," Chakotay apologised.
"What for?" I asked, wondering if I'd missed part of the conversation. "For losing another shuttle?"
"And for worrying you."
The blunt statement was disarming. I was in danger of forgetting my own resolution as my world narrowed to the two of us. I wanted him to know how much he'd worried me, how scared I'd been when his shuttle had crashed, when we hadn't found a trace of him... how I'd been a hair's-breadth away from bursting into tears - on the bridge of all places.
"You're forgiven," I said firmly, as my mind watched with curious detachment. "I'll expect you on the bridge as soon as you've recovered."
He simply nodded and smiled in response before closing his eyes, as if all his worries had been washed away with that single statement, and he was now free to sleep peacefully.
I walked out of sickbay, pausing once to look at Chakotay again - the man I couldn't help but love, but mustn't.
Ever.
The End