Different Now

“It’s the 23^rd December today,” Kath informed Diane, as she arrived on the ward.

Diane looked slightly confused at Kath’s manner of greeting, but nodded nonetheless. “It is.” She sat down on the edge of Kath’s bed. “You’re looking well today,” she commented.

“Is that your professional opinion?” Kath queried. “Because if all you registrars have to do is give people passing glances, then your job is a lot easier than mine – better paid too,” she added, mischievously.

“Ah, but you don’t do it for the money,” Diane teased. “And you’re certainly getting better if you can complain about your job.” She laughed. “It wasn’t a professional opinion, no. I just thought it was a nicer greeting than ‘morning, you look terrible’.”

Kath smiled, but didn’t allow herself to laugh, remembering her stitches, and the sharp pain that laughing had caused in the past. Instead, she changed the subject. “December 23^rd today. So when are you letting me out?”

Diane paused. “You’ll have to ask Ric that. I’m not your doctor.” And a good thing too, she added to herself. She had been shaken enough just by hearing from Ric and Zubin what had happened. She couldn’t imagine how they must have felt – or how Ed must have felt either. Tom, well, he probably hadn’t cared. He didn’t have a heart, he didn’t have feelings… he probably wouldn’t even have cared had it been his precious Anita on the operating table… No, don’t even go there, Diane chided herself. Stop thinking like that right now; you’re here to visit Kath.

Kath smiled. “I know, I just wondered if you had any idea at all.”

“I don’t want to make a guess and get your hopes up,” Diane replied slowly. She considered for a moment. “It all depends on the scar tissue healing, and if you show any signs of post-op bleeding or infections…”

“I know the drill, you don’t have to talk down to me.” Kath sighed. “And I also know that there’s very little chance of any infections or bleeding because I had the surgery a week ago. If anything were going to happen, it would have happened by now.”

“It’s not unheard of. Kath, you were stabbed and had major surgery; you can’t expect to get back to normal immediately. You’re doing really well so far, you’ve come really far in the past week…”

“Really far?” Kath repeated incredulously, looking slightly annoyed. “Diane, I sleep for about half the day, I can’t walk, and I have to get my food through an IV! I don’t think I’ve got very far at all!” She clenched her fist, crumpling the blankets in her hand. “It’s just so frustrating…” She couldn’t explain it. She hated having to depend on other people, and she hated being so weak. She knew that she was getting on well, all things considered, but she also knew that she had a long way to go. She knew that she was facing a long, quite uphill battle. She knew it was a slow process, and she just wanted to speed it up.

Diane nodded, slightly shocked by Kath’s outburst. “Alright, maybe you’re a way off being back to normal, but you’re getting there, just slowly…”

“Too slowly,” interrupted Kath.

Diane nodded sympathetically. “I’m sorry, but Ric and Zubin don’t seem concerned, and nor should you be. You shouldn’t worry about it, that’ll only…”

“I know, I know, but I’ve got nothing to do but worry about it, Diane. I’m lying here with nothing to do but think about what’s happened to me and what’s going to happen to me. I can’t bear to think about Kelly and… it scares me too much to think about what happened. So I can only think about what’s going to happen.”

Diane sighed, and stroked Kath’s arm. “I really am sorry, Kath. I don’t know what to say, I…”

“There’s nothing you can say. Nothing can turn back time and make it all better,” Kath said with a sigh. She took a deep breath and shook her head. “Forget about it. Am I going to be in here over Christmas?”

Diane hesitated.

“Diane, tell me,” Kath insisted. “I’m a big girl, I can take it,” she added, jokingly.

Diane looked away and fiddled with a button on her blouse. “I think…” She paused, wanting to delay the inevitable. “Most likely, yes.”

Kath nodded, resting back on her pillow and pulling the blanket over herself. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry, Kath, I really am.” She knew it was a meaningless thing to say. “I’ll talk to Ric, I’ll see if I can persuade him…”

“If I’ve got to stay in, then I’ve got to stay in. I appreciate the gesture, but I don’t want your pity – nor Ric’s.” Kath’s voice was matter-of-fact, despite the tears of bitter disappointment in her eyes.

Diane looked sympathetic. “Did you… did you have any special plans?” she asked tentatively.

“Nothing spectacular,” Kath replied quietly. “Zubin was going to come over. Otherwise… well, we’d have both been spending the day by ourselves, and Christmas is a time when you want to be with people you – people you care about.” Her voice cracked slightly, but she smiled bravely. “I’m sorry. We were just going to have a quiet meal – I’ve been looking through cookbooks for weeks, how ridiculous! Then we’ll…” She paused. “We would have gone to the cemetery. Just to spend some time, you know. Terry and I got married this time last year; it’s our anniversary in a few days. I know going to the cemetery probably sounds really morbid to you, not a good way to spend Christmas at all…”

“No, no,” Diane said quickly. “It doesn’t, not at all. I’m sorry, Kath. It sounds like you and Zubin were going to have a good day, I’m really sorry about this all…”

“Did I hear my name?” Zubin strolled up behind Diane, and smiled at Kath. “How’s the pain today, Kath?”

Kath blinked several times to get rid of the tears. “I don’t know, Zubin, how are you?” she replied perkily.

Zubin chuckled. “Oh, you’re alright. Just slacking, isn’t she, Diane?” he added. “Mind you, not that I blame you, I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t want a few days off over Christmas…”

Diane elbowed him. “Shut up, Zube.”

“No, no, it’s alright, Diane.” Kath smiled weakly. “It’s not important, Zubin,” she told him, in response to his curious look. He turned to look at Diane, who motioned that she would explain later. After a few seconds of noting the tension in the room, she left.

Zubin began to check Kath’s morphine dosage, not saying anything. Kath sighed inwardly – that was the worst thing about this attack. None of her friends seemed certain how to act around her. Diane and Ric were able to hide their feelings enough so as not to be very noticeable, but she knew that Zubin was having difficulty in reconciling Kath his friend and Kath his patient. She could understand that; she’d dealt with it herself, most recently with Steve, and it was hard to cope with seeing a friend in such a different position. She just wished it wasn’t so different, so difficult.

After a few moments of silence, she looked up at him. “Are you going to say anything to me?” she asked quietly.

He smiled down at her. It was a reassuring smile, but it was more professional than friendly. “What do you want me to say?” he enquired.

“Anything… just not silence. I just want someone to talk about nothing so that I don’t have to think.” She saw the pity in his eyes and looked away. “Zubin, please. Just… I wish you weren’t so awkward around me.” She felt herself blush slightly, feeling embarrassed at being the one who had to mention it.

He looked back at her, obviously equally embarrassed, wanting to explain away his silence, but not knowing how to explain it. “I’m sorry…”

Kath sighed in annoyance. “I wish people would stop telling me that they’re sorry. Sorry doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t get me out of this bed, it doesn’t turn back time and help Nic or Kelly, and I know that people mean it to help, but it doesn’t do anything. Nothing at all.” She heard her voice rising slightly higher and louder, and felt incapable of restraining the feeling of anger that was flooding through her.

Zubin sat down on the bed. “I know. It’s a useless thing to say, Kath, but what else do you want us to say?”

“I want you to treat me normally!” She forced herself to look at him, and saw the pity in his eyes had gone. “I can’t stand it when you’re acting like this.”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry.” He flinched as he heard the word, and shook his head again. “I’ll try,” he amended his statement, stroking her hand affectionately. Truth be told, he wasn’t sure how to act normally around her – when he saw her, his friend, lying there, he couldn’t help but think of other times he had seen people he cared about lying in hospital beds. When he had seen his wife lying in a hospital bed, it had only been to say goodbye to her. And when he had seen Caroline and Elizabeth lying in hospital beds, he had lost them as well. Not in the same way he had lost Mumtaz, but he had lost them all the same. And he didn’t want to lose Kath; she was one of the few people he had left.

“Thank you,” she replied, smiling up at him and squeezing his hand. For a moment, she was startled at the intensity in his eyes; she had never seen him look so… she searched for the word in her mind, but couldn’t quite find a word to explain the look, how it made her feel. The expression almost scared her. Not in the same way as Simon had scared her, this was more gentle. Gentle, reassuring… Well, she told herself, he’s a doctor; it’s his job to make people feel at ease.

“So, how are you feeling today?” he queried, glancing at her notes. “No pain?”

Kath considered for a moment. “Not really…” She rubbed her side slightly. “Just a bit of a dull ache, but it doesn’t hurt much, it’s just a bit uncomfortable.” She shifted a bit on the bed, trying to get comfortable.

“Don’t move around too much,” Zubin warned her. “You need to be careful… the stitches…”

“I know.” She paused. “Actually Zubin, I need to talk to you…”

“Yes?” Zubin asked, absently, making a note on the clipboard and adjusting Kath’s morphine dosage.

“When will I… I mean… is it possible that I might… is there any chance at all that I could…” She sighed heavily. “When are you letting me go home?”

Zubin glanced back at her notes. “Not until you can walk, and we’re certain that you’ll be alright on your own…”

“Well, you’re not even giving me the chance to walk at the moment.” Kath didn’t mention that she didn’t think she’d be able to walk even if she were allowed, but instead adopted an injured look. “And I’m sure I’d be alright.”

“But I’d really rather keep you in for a week or so more, just to make sure that you’ll be okay.” He smiled at her, and she noticed that the gentle expression was back in his eyes.

“I don’t want to be in hospital over Christmas!” she burst out, before she realised what she was going to say. Once the words were out, she heard them with a shocked expression on her face, and tried to avoid his eye.

“It’s the best place for you to be,” he tried to say, knowing that, although it was true, it wasn’t a pleasant thing to hear. Christmas… her wedding anniversary… the anniversary of Terry’s death… she wouldn’t want to be hospitalised during those days. She would want to be at home, able to visit the grave, able to go to church, even able to visit the beach house where Terry had died.

“No, it’s not.” Kath couldn’t quite explain that she wanted desperately to be out of the place where Terry had deteriorated so badly, where she had seen him go from being a lively man, laughing and joking, the man she had fallen in love with, to being a frail man who had been completely consumed by cancer, cancer that had caused him to beg her to help him end his life… She felt sobs rising up inside her. No, she told herself. I won’t cry, I won’t cry, not in front of Zubin.

Zubin tousled her hair affectionately. “I know it’s hard. I know all about Terry, Kath, and I know that you don’t want to be here, not at Christmas, but honestly, Kath, it’s best to be here where we can keep an eye on you.” Seeing the tears well up in her eyes, he handed her a tissue. “I’ll be back in a little while.”

She nodded numbly, and waited only until he was out of the room before letting the grief and disappointment overwhelm her, all of her feelings from the past year culminating in a violent storm of sobbing.

--------

“Ric, please! Christmas means a lot to her, she wants to go home…” Diane insisted, knowing that Ric would probably never agree, but wanting to feel that she had done her very best, done all that she could, to convince him how much Kath wanted to be at home and away from the hospital where all of her horrible memories lay.

“I can’t let her be discharged,” Ric replied, a slight look of sadness in his face. “I hate having to keep people in at Christmas – especially Kath – but there really is no alternative, Diane. If she went home now… I’m not even going to dare to guess at what might happen.”

Diane nodded sombrely. “I know. I know that you’re not going to let her go home, I’m sorry to pester you, but she really does want to go…”

He sighed. “Christmas isn’t a good time for Kath, is it?” he asked, pushing his chair back from his desk slightly. He allowed himself to wonder why all of this was happening to Kath, why she deserved it. The answer was simple. She didn’t. She had led such a good life, and didn’t deserve this in the least. First Simon… Terry’s death… the subsequent investigation… and now the stabbing. It was just wrong. Kath didn’t deserve this. No one deserved a life like that.

“She doesn’t deserve it,” Diane said quietly, echoing Ric’s thoughts. She leant against the desk gently, sighing. They were in silence for a few moments, each thinking about Kath.

After a little while, Ric noticed that the mood had become quite despondent, so decided to change the subject. “So…” he began, tentatively. “What are you doing for Christmas?”

Diane paused for a moment before answering. “Nothing.” Ric shot her a curious look, so she elaborated. “Well, Chrissie and Jess and I had plans, but then Jess decided she wants to spend time with Nic – which I totally understand, by the way, I’m not judging,” she added. “And then Chrissie decided that she wanted to spend Christmas with Ed, and she invited me along, but… well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be very welcome,” she said with a laugh.

“Chrissie and Ed?” Ric repeated.

“Didn’t you know? They’re together… again,” Diane replied, with a slight smile.

“No, I hadn’t heard. Well, that is a shock – Chrissie Williams has a relationship that the whole hospital doesn’t know about?” Ric laughed, causing Diane to glare at him.

“I’m sure she’s glad of the support she gets from her friends.” He looked sheepish and she laughed. “Oh, I’m only teasing. I quite agree.”

“So you’ve not got any plans for Christmas then?” Ric checked.

“Didn’t we just establish that?” She smiled at him. “I’ll probably just… I don’t know, spend the day watching TV or something.” She gave a false laugh, pretending to Ric that she didn’t care. She knew it was ridiculous to feel upset about not having anyone to spend Christmas with, especially when Kath had to stay in hospital over Christmas and didn’t have anyone to spend Christmas with, but… She sighed. Ridiculous. Snap out of it, Diane. You’re incredibly lucky to have great friends and to be happy; you don’t need anything else in your life, not right now.

Ric smiled, and paused, hoping that she wasn’t going to be offended by what he wanted to ask her. “Well, considering that sounds remarkably similar to my plans, would it be alright if I asked you to spend the day with me?” He wanted her to say yes. He really wanted to spend Christmas with her.

She looked up at him, slightly startled by the question. And, even while she nodded and said that she’d like to, a small part of her mind was screaming. Spending Christmas with him is a big deal! You do know what you’re doing, don’t you? You’re getting too close again. And you’re going to end up getting humiliated or hurt again. And at Christmas of all times! She ignored it. So what if it was a big deal?

“It’ll…” Ric was beginning, as Zubin burst into the room, looking slightly hurried.

“What are you two doing for Christmas?” he asked, breathlessly.

“Well, actually, we were just discussing that…” Diane began, feeling a smile spreading over her face.

“Well, is it anything you can get out of?” Zubin queried, sitting down heavily to catch his breath.

Ric and Diane exchanged a look. “Why?” Ric asked, sceptically.

“Well, you know how Kath’s feeling down about being in here over Christmas?” He didn’t wait for a response. “I’ve got an idea.”

--------

Zubin glanced at his watch anxiously, and saw that he was ten minutes late. He could practically hear Diane scolding him already – “What part of meet at eight-thirty don’t you understand?” He shook his head. It was Christmas Day, he was allowed to be a bit late. He didn’t understand why Diane had insisted on meeting at eight-thirty anyway. Just because she said that she could never sleep late on Christmas Day didn’t mean that other people couldn’t. But it was no use to think about that now. Today was all about Kath.

He smiled to himself for a moment, thinking about how Kath was going to react to their plan… his plan. At least, it had been his plan until Diane had taken over. But it was still his idea, and he would be the one who carried it out. He was glad that he could do something for Kath; he was very fond of her, and it had been hard for him to see her suffer. It was true, he thought; it is harder to see someone you love suffer than to suffer yourself.

He didn’t bother knocking when he reached Ric’s office, but walked straight in. “Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas…” He trailed off suddenly as he saw Ric and Diane seated on the sofa, kissing. The moment they heard him, they broke apart, Diane blushing and Ric looking embarrassed.

“Merry Christmas to you as well,” Ric replied uncomfortably. Diane nodded, apparently too embarrassed to speak.

“What’s going on here?” Zubin asked warily.

“Nothing…” Ric began, obviously lying.

“Too much Christmas cheer? Was alcohol involved?” Zubin prompted.

“No, it was not,” Diane replied, looking annoyed, although still embarrassed. She involuntarily moved closer to Ric, who put an arm around her waist.

Ric sighed. “Stop bickering, children.” Diane looked slightly shame-faced and smiled up at him sheepishly.

“So, are either of you going to tell me what’s going on?” Zubin queried.

“I think you saw for yourself, Zube,” Ric replied. He wished that Zubin hadn’t “seen for himself”. It made it so much harder – and there was more of a chance that Diane would back out. That wasn’t what he wanted. Not at all.

She smiled up at him and then turned to Zubin. “It’s a long story, Zubin.” She squeezed Ric’s hand and then smiled. “Now then, aren’t we going to see Kath?”

--------

Kath had spent the previous evening feeling more and more despondent. Christmas was such a… “homey” time, and she had to stay here. She had to stay in hospital over Christmas. She knew that it was ridiculous, and that she was, to be bluntly honest, lucky to be alive. She just couldn’t shake the feeling that Terry had been in hospital over Christmas. And he had died a week later. And, considering she had been thinking these thoughts the previous night, it was no wonder that she had dreamt of Terry, and had woken up to find her pillow wet with her tears.

She was half asleep when she heard her door open and three people creep into the room. She forced her eyes open, wincing against the sudden light. She smiled weakly as she saw Zubin cross the room to her bed. She felt slightly guilty; had he decided to work when his plans fell through? Was he there because of her?

“Merry Christmas!” Zubin announced, smiling at her. Kath made an indistinct noise; she was still too far into sleep to speak properly. Zubin helped her to sit up, and sat next to her on the bed, one arm around her. Still sleepy, Kath leant against him comfortably, realising that it felt pleasant to be so close to him.

As her eyes grew accustomed to the light, she looked over at Ric and Diane, who were standing by the door, obviously ready to leave if Kath wasn’t ready to see people this early in the morning. Ric was wearing a Santa hat, and Diane had tinsel in her hair, and the two of them were trying to keep from laughing at Kath’s half-amused, half-shocked expression.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, stifling a yawn.

“That’s polite. We drag ourselves out of bed just to be here for eight-thirty to surprise you, and this is the response we get!” Ric teased, tutting.

“You definitely did surprise me,” Kath replied, looking up at Zubin, who smiled at her. “I didn’t expect to see any of you today.”

“Well, we couldn’t leave you in here by yourself,” Diane said, smiling. She passed a party hat to Zubin, who placed it on Kath’s head. “We wanted you to have a good Christmas, and… well, this isn’t the nicest place to be, is it?”

Kath smiled. “You three being here makes it a lot nicer.” She moved the hat slightly on her head to make it more secure – Zubin had been afraid that he might hurt her, and had put it on too gently, so that it had been on the brink of falling off. She moved slightly closer to Zubin, feeling cosy and safe. She was pleased that her friends had cared enough to spend their Christmas with her. “Thank you,” she said quietly. “Thank you so much.”

“It was Zubin’s idea,” Ric explained.

Kath glanced up at Zubin and saw a slight blush glowing on his face. She felt her own face growing warmer as he smiled at her. It was an irresistible feeling… how could she be feeling like that, when only a few hours ago she’d been crying herself to sleep, thoughts of her late husband torturing her dreams and her waking moments? It almost felt wrong to be feeling so… so overwhelmed by Zubin, especially so close to her wedding anniversary. “Thanks,” she told Zubin quietly, feeling oddly shy, and finding that it was suddenly hard to speak.

“That’s quite alright,” he replied, as he helped her sit up a bit more.

She glanced around the room, at Ric and Diane, now sitting on the one chair that the room possessed, Diane sitting on Ric’s lap. She looked quite comfortable; he didn’t. “Are you two alright?” Kath asked.

“Diane’s heavier than she looks,” Ric remarked, earning himself a kick from Diane. “Sorry,” he apologised quickly.

“I bet you’re not exactly light,” Diane teased.

“Yes, but I don’t go around sitting on people’s laps, do I?” he replied, shifting uncomfortably in the chair. Although he wouldn’t have moved her for the world, he loved having her sitting on his lap, she was quite heavy, and his legs were hurting.

She grinned. “Oh go on, you know you like it really.”

Kath looked over at them. “Wait a moment, am I missing something here?” she asked, looking between Diane and Ric, who, although close, were never quite that close. For a moment, she envied their easy, friendly relationship; it would be so nice to have something like that with someone… with Zubin…

“Well, I walked in on them kissing this morning,” Zubin revealed to Kath, absent-mindedly fiddling with her hair.

“Anyway, we’ve got presents,” Ric announced, in a very obvious attempt to change the subject.

Kath smiled, taking pity on the two of them. “Have you now?” she asked, sounding eager.

Diane laughed and handed over some parcels. “Merry Christmas,” she said, smiling. “Oh, and some of those are from Chrissie and Ed as well, and we got the ones that Danny had sent to your house, from him and Sandy…”

“How did you get into my house?” She knew it was an odd thing to be troubled by, but she couldn’t help but wonder how they’d managed to get in.

“It’s surprising how easily Diane can break a door down,” Zubin teased.

“What?” Diane spluttered indignantly.

“Ignore him, Kath,” Ric instructed, laughing at Diane’s horrified expression, and Kath’s curious glance at Diane. “I’ve got a spare key, you lent it to me a while ago.”

Kath laughed, and winced slightly at the pain in her side. “Oh…” She smiled at Zubin and Ric’s instant concern. “I’m fine. I really am.” In reality, it hurt, but she didn’t want to ruin the fun. They had planned this, and she felt privileged to have friends like them. “Anyway, didn’t we have presents somewhere?” she asked, brightly.

“We did,” Diane replied promptly, looking excited.

“Like a couple of kids,” Ric teased, moving slightly so that he was more comfortable.

“Kids?” Diane repeated, giggling. “Whose idea was this?”

Zubin raised his hand. “But I didn’t go gaga over the idea of presents…” He smiled affectionately at Kath, who was busy opening a card from Sandy and Danny, and smiling over the contents. He was pleased that his idea had worked out so well.

-----------

“Where are you going?” Kath asked, as Zubin and Ric stood up and made for the door. She hoped that they weren’t leaving. They’d been there a few hours, they’d even had ‘Christmas dinner’… Diane had said that it couldn’t be called a traditional Christmas dinner due to the fact that it included fish and chips, one of the few meals that Ric had been able to get from the canteen, but Kath had thought it was better than a lot of the Christmas dinners she had ever eaten. Much better than a lot of the meals she’d eaten in a silent house with Simon, in those years when the kids had left home and she was alone with Simon. When a badly cooked meal had meant a beating, Kath had loathed Christmas Day. And this Christmas, when she was sore and bruised from worse injuries than Simon had ever given her, she was still amazingly happy.

“We’ll be back in five minutes,” Zubin reassured her. He smiled at her, a gentle smile that made her feel incredibly happy, and then he and Ric left.

“Where are they going?” Kath queried of Diane.

“Zubin would kill me if I told you,” Diane laughed. She paused a moment. “Oh, you’ll love it though. Well… maybe “love it” isn’t the right expression… but you will like it, I’m sure you will.”

“What’s happening? Diane, tell me!” Kath was starting to feel slightly frantic. She trusted Zubin and Ric implicitly, she would trust them with her life – she had trusted them with her life, she thought wryly – but she didn’t like surprises.

“No, I value my life.” Diane looked around. “Right, Zubin told me to make sure that you were ready to go out.”

“Go out where?” Kath asked, a mischievous grin on her face.

“Nice try.”

Kath was still in the dark twenty minutes later, when Diane parked her car and Zubin helped her out. “Where are we?” she asked, confused, as Zubin helped her out of the car.

“In a car park,” Zubin replied, a teasing smile on his face as Kath leant against him for support.

“I thought you said I couldn’t leave the hospital, anyway.” Kath stuck her tongue out at Zubin teasingly.

“Well, it’s not very likely that anything will go wrong in a couple of hours, and if it does, you just happen to have two consultants here with you,” Ric reassured her.

“What about me?” Diane protested, laughing.

“Fine, two consultants and Diane,” Ric amended his statement. He leant against Diane’s car. “Zube, we’ll wait here, if that’s okay with you?”

Zubin nodded. “That’s fine. Are you alright to walk a little way, Kath?”

Kath looked hesitant. “I think so…” She wasn’t really sure, but she didn’t want to say no and ruin Zubin’s afternoon by requesting to be taken back to the hospital. Besides, if she could lean on him, then she would be fine. It was comfortable, and… nice. Pleasant. She wanted to stay like that for a while.

As Ric and Diane climbed back inside the car, where it was slightly warmer, Zubin helped Kath walk through the gates nearby. “Where are we going, Zubin?” she asked, sounding quite tired.

“Wait and see,” he said gently, tightening his grip on her. As they walked through the gates, he smiled slightly. “I know it’s not the nicest place to bring you, but I thought you might want to come.”

She caught her breath slightly as she saw that he was leading her into the cemetery, where Terry was buried. “Oh… thank you,” she whispered, burying her head in his chest and feeling tears falling down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” he said slowly. “I know that… well, it perhaps wasn’t the best place to bring you, I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.” He felt guilty, annoyed at himself for hurting a woman who had already been hurt enough. He stroked her back gently, trying to calm her. “I’m sorry,” he repeated quietly.

“No… no,” she replied, choking back her tears. “It’s just… I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you, Zubin, I don’t deserve such good friends…” She shook her head and looked up at him, seeing that his own eyes were sorrowful. “You shouldn’t have gone to all this bother.”

“Maybe I wanted to.” He held her close to him. “I wanted you to have a good Christmas, Kath. I care a lot about you, I just want you to be happy.”

“Thank you,” she said quietly. They walked in silence for a little while, eventually stopping and sitting on a bench near to Terry’s grave.

“Are you alright?” he asked her, concernedly.

She leant against him and looked up at him, smiling as she saw the anxious expression in his eyes. “I’m fine. I’m a bit tired, but I’m happy. I’m happier than I thought I would be today.” She glanced at Terry’s grave, at the precise gold lettering on the black stone, the small vase of flowers, wilted now, that she had placed there more than a week ago. A tiny crack in the vase showed the effects of the harsh weather over the past few days.

“Do you ever regret marrying him?” Zubin queried, seeing the sadness in her eyes.

“No.” There was no uncertainty in her tone as she replied. “It was right at the time. There was nothing else I could have done; I loved him, and he loved me.” She had loved him, although now, she often wondered if she would have still loved him had he been alive. It had been a whirlwind romance, he had made her feel young again, he had made her feel as though she was wanted, she was beautiful, she was perfect, all the things that Simon had made her doubt. And he had needed her.

Zubin smiled. “I’m glad you were happy.”

“I killed him, you know.” She sounded matter-of-fact as she told him. She wasn’t sure, even to this day, what had actually happened. She remembered him pleading with her to end it all for him, and she remembered walking on the coast the following morning, but she didn’t remember doing it. She had been over and over it so many times, and now the events were blurred, like a video that’s been watched so many times that the important parts are no longer clear.

Zubin looked slightly shocked. “Assisted suicide,” he corrected her.

“I ended his life. It’s the same thing. I regret that. I don’t regret anything else, but I regret that.” She paused for a moment. “I don’t even regret marrying Simon, because so many wonderful things came out of that.” She looked off into the distance, into a past that Zubin couldn’t see.

“Kath, you did what you believed was right.” Zubin had understood it. Many times, he had longed to be able to put people out of their misery, especially when they had cried out in pain and he had known that it was only a matter of time before Fate did the work that he could have helped.

“If it was right, then why do I feel so guilty?” She had never spoken about Terry’s death to anyone before. She had told Danny the basic facts, and she had told Ric an even shorter version of events. She had felt that neither of them would understand. But no one better had come along to understand. And now there was Zubin. And he would understand, because… because he had lost Mumtaz.

“Because you’re a wonderful person, who can see that there were consequences that weren’t so pleasant, but at the time, was so caught up in doing the right thing by the man you loved.”

“Do you think I made a mistake?” She felt like a child, asking for judgement. She wanted to know; she desperately wanted Zubin’s approval or condemnation, because it would mean more than anyone else’s.

“No,” he said slowly. “No, I don’t. He was in pain and you helped him. You did what he wanted. You made his last weeks happy, and you helped him to die happy.”

She looked up at him gratefully. “Thank you.”

He smiled down at her, sending shivers down her spine. “For what?” he queried, confused.

“For… this.” She looked around. “For understanding. For… everything.”

He drew her closer to him, and put his arms around her as she sat there. “That’s quite alright.” She laid her head on his shoulder, and gazed blankly at Terry’s grave, knowing, in that instant, that Terry didn’t mind. That it was “quite alright” to feel how she did about Zubin. That Terry still loved her, that she still loved him, but it was different now.

It was all different now. Even the snow that fell was different to the snow that had fallen last year, because last year, it hadn’t fallen on Terry’s grave. And last year, it hadn’t fallen on her and Zubin, sitting closely together, falling in love.