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“Can I stay with you, please?” Ric asked, anxiously. The
expression on his face won Diane over instantly, despite all of her concerns
about people’s rumours, his feelings, her feelings…
She looked away. “I… I don’t…” She sighed. “Yes. Of course you can.”
“Thank you,” he replied, the relief in his eyes
immediately evident as he smiled. She smiled back at him, the tiredness in her
eyes receding for a moment. Confusion crossed his face. “I’m not… I – I’m
sorry, I…” He sighed. “I wouldn’t be imposing, would I? I mean, this is your
flat, you just finished a shift, you must be tired…”
She smiled slightly. He was right, she was incredibly
tired. It felt as though she was trying desperately not to fall asleep as she
sat there, but Ric needed her. “I am tired,” she told him, feeling guilty as a
rueful expression flickered over his face. “But it’s alright… honestly, it is,
Ric.” She had felt guilty when she had refused to help him before; this was just
making up for it. Whether she wanted him to stay or not, she owed it to him to
let him stay.
“Are you sure?” He looked anxious and instinctively
reached out to grab her hand. “Diane, I really do appreciate this, you know.”
He felt as though he needed to tell her, even if she already did know. He
didn’t want her to think as though he took her for granted, as though he was
just using her.
“I know.” The look in his eyes would have told her even if
he hadn’t. She stood up and detached her hand; he was getting too close. They
were only friends. And friends didn’t sit holding hands gazing into one
another’s eyes at three in the morning. “Do you want a drink?” she asked
briskly, trying to shake the warm feeling from inside herself.
Slightly startled by her sudden change in manner, Ric was
silent for a moment. “Ah… a cup of tea would be nice.” She nodded and
practically ran into the kitchen. Ric sat back, feeling suddenly deflated. He
had thought for a moment, for the briefest of moments, that something might
happen, might actually happen. And not like earlier, not a quick kiss in the
corridor, brushed off hastily as a bit of fun, but something happening because
they were caught in a moment of passion, because the chemistry between them had
become too much to avoid, because the emotions were running high between them,
because they both wanted it and knew what the consequences would be.
She always ran away. Whenever he got too close, she always
ran away. And he couldn’t stop her. He had her within reach, she was there, if
he reached out then he could hold her tightly and stop her from running, but to
do that would be to force her to be part of something that she wasn’t ready
for. And he would never do that. If anything were ever to happen between them,
it would be on her terms. He knew that. He was prepared for that. He wanted
that.
So did she. Even as she closed the kitchen door firmly and
leant against it, breathing heavily to rid herself of the feelings that were
threatening to overwhelm her, she was wishing that she had stayed there. That
she had stayed in that moment, in that moment where anything could have
happened. But she hadn’t. She never let herself. To let herself stay there,
stay with him, was dangerous. Too dangerous.
She couldn’t let herself lose control. She was teetering
on the edge already, but she wasn’t going to go any further. No way. Falling in
love with Ric, letting him spend more time with her, letting herself grow
closer to him, trusting him with her life, with her emotions, would only lead
to hurt. When it failed, then it would leave her shattered. And she couldn’t do
that. This way, she was with him, without the hurt.
She didn’t let herself think of what might happen if it
didn’t fail. It would fail. All of her relationships had failed. Most of them
didn’t even get past a few nights, they couldn’t even be classed as
relationships. That had been why she hadn’t wanted Ric to stay with her.
Staying with her could easily lead to something else, and she didn’t want him
to be another one-night stand. If… when… they got together, it would be more
than that. Much more. She wanted it to be the one that lasted. She knew that
she was contradicting herself; she was keeping herself locked away and still
wanted to be with him, but that was the truth of it. If she could have had a
guarantee, that they would last and that they would be forever, then she would
have had no hesitation. But the thought of losing him… she couldn’t bear it.
She looked at him shyly as she returned to the living room
with two cups of tea. “There you go.” She handed the cup to him, avoiding his
gaze, embarrassment overwhelming her suddenly. Why should it? Why should she be
embarrassed now, why now of all times? She was scolding herself mentally as she
sat down and took a sip of her drink. He’s your best friend. Get over it.
Get over him.
“You don’t mind, do you?” Ric asked, tentatively, as he
noticed the annoyed expression on Diane’s face.
“Mind what?” she asked, looking around as though she had
only just noticed that someone else was in the room. She had known he was there
all along, of course he was there, but she had been lost in her thoughts.
Thoughts of him.
“Mind me staying here,” he explained, looking concerned.
“Are you alright?”
She looked slightly guilty. “Shouldn’t I be? I’m fine.
Absolutely fine, I’ve never been better, Ric.” She knew that she sounded overly
cheerful, and probably fake as well, but it was better than telling him that
she was uncomfortable with him being there, that she wanted him to go, that she
wanted him to stay forever… Stop that now.
“Are you sure?” There was a doubtful note in his voice as
he wondered whether she was always like this when she was tired, or if it was
because of him.
“Absolutely sure.” She smiled at him, daring to let blue
eyes meet brown, and seeing the gentle, concerned expression in them. Eyes are
the windows to the soul, and if she could tell so much by just looking at him,
then what could he tell through her eyes? She looked down hurriedly, not
daring to let herself be exposed any further.
The sudden changes of mood were confusing Ric. She had
gone from flirtatious earlier on, to angry, to caring, to being so close to him
that he could almost see into her soul, almost touch her heart, and now she had
closed herself off again. He knew that she was scared, but so was he. “Diane…”
he began, slowly.
She looked up involuntarily at the odd tone of his voice. “What?”
she asked, her voice sharper than she had meant it to be.
“I think we should… talk…” He stopped, unsure of how to
carry on. He didn’t know how to have a heart-to-heart talk with her when she
was glaring at him, her eyes shooting daggers at him.
“What about?” She put her cup down and sat back, arms
folded, looking as though she was ready to deny anything he accused her of. She
wished that she could run now. Run anywhere, run as fast as she could. Because this
was confusing and this was history repeating itself. And it was scary. Terrifying.
“This. Us.” He was about to say more, but she stood up and
cut him off, thinking of a way out of what would be an uncomfortable
conversation.
“Another time. I’m tired.” She paused, realising that it
had sounded slightly rude. “And you must be too, you walked a long way…”
He accepted that this wasn’t the time to push the issue,
but couldn’t help saying one last thing. “Diane, you can’t avoid this forever.”
He stood up and followed her into the kitchen.
“I’m not avoiding anything, Ric.” She smiled brightly at
him before turning away again.
“So you’re totally fine with this situation?” he
challenged her. “You’re fine with me being here, spending time with you, acting
as though nothing ever happened between us?”
“Yes!” she insisted. It sounded wrong even to her, and she
knew that he didn’t believe her. He shot her a quizzical look, and she sighed,
annoyed that he didn’t believe her, even though she didn’t believe herself. “I’m
going to bed. Goodnight.”