It’s not immediately obvious, but this is an Anita fic, based on my ideas of what happened to her, and why Tom came back.


Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
’cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven...


I miss you. I bet you don’t know that. I bet you have convinced yourself that I never even loved you in the first place. Because that is how you are – how you were when I knew you, and how you still are, because some things never change. Sometimes things change, but the important things… they never change, never go away. You and I. That was an important thing.


But I do miss you. I think about you a lot. I would say that I think about you all the time, but I know that you’d never believe that. You’d never believe that anyone could think about someone all of the time. I think about you most of the time. Sometimes I think about my family, I think about my life, but most of the time I think about you. I think about you – because I can’t think about anything, anyone else.


Do you remember the first time that we met? Of course you do. I remember the expression on your face when you saw me, the way annoyance melted into shock, the way that you changed over those first few weeks. And I remember how I changed, too. How you changed me. You made me realise what I needed in my life, what was really of value.


If I had realised how wonderful it would be – we would be – when we finally got together, fell in love, I never would have wasted time playing games, trying to keep my professional distance, trying to go against the tide that eventually swept me away. Because those months that I wasted, three or four months, when I could have been by your side, in your arms, falling in love with you… I regret those months more than you will ever know.


We could have had so much more. We could have had three, four, months more… maybe longer. Maybe you would have known me better and we would have been able to get through everything. Maybe we would have been able to last forever. But then, we did. We lasted for my forever. Just not yours.


Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please


We did have something amazing. When I finally swallowed my pride, I let myself fall in love with you, and we had something amazing. Do you remember all of it? I remember every detail. I remember the first time you asked me out, the look on your face when I said yes, the worried look on your face when I was late that first night, you thought that I had stood you up. I would never do that. I loved, love, you so much.


When I close my eyes, I see you. I see the expression on your face when you told me that you were coming with me to America, the first time you told me that you loved me. You told me many times after that, but that time, the first time, it was amazing and I couldn’t believe it. And I loved you so much. I was so happy.


I should be happy now. I have everything that I ever really wanted – this is my dream life. My dream life where everything is perfect. I have everything… except you. There are people around me but I am alone. I don’t belong here because I belong with you, and you are not here with me. The people around me care for me, they love me perhaps, but they don’t love me like you love me – loved me. Do you still love me?


There’s nothing left for me to do now except think about you. I no longer have you, so I need to think about you, because I can’t forget you… if I forget you, then you could forget me. And I don’t want you to forget me. I loved you and you loved me. And that’s important to me.


I know why you left. I know you left because it hurt too much to stay. You left because, inside, I was already gone. You left because you thought there was no hope. You left and you went back to Holby because you wanted to pretend that life was normal, even though you knew that it would never be the same again. Once you had given up, then I had to give up. I had nothing to hold on for, to hold on to. I don’t blame you, though. I know it was hard for you. I don’t blame you, but you were the only one who could have done anything. You could have tried harder, tried something else: you could have saved me, saved us.


You said that you loved me – so why didn’t you do anything sooner? Why did you let me slip away from you? Why couldn’t you have noticed that I was slipping away? You could have noticed, you could have helped me, you could have done something.


Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven


I know that you’ve changed. I know that it was impossible to go through what you went through, what I went through, what we went through, and not change. Not be so concerned about the office politics of it all, and instead actually want to make a difference for people. I know that you changed from the day that I met you. I changed you. I’m proud of doing that. Whatever else I might have failed at, I succeeded with you. I changed your life, maybe for the worse, maybe for the better. I changed it.


But I can’t help worrying about you. I worry that maybe it will all become too much for you – that maybe you need to find comfort somewhere else. Not with someone else. Much as that would hurt, I think I would understand it. Knowing you were with another woman would hurt me so much, but I’m already hurt, already broken, without you. There’s no hope for me, but there is for you. Please, please, don’t waste your chance. We wasted our chance, but there’s no need for you to waste your life because of it. If you could hear me, you’d know what I meant. I mean that nothing is ever that bad, nothing is ever so bad that you need to drink yourself to death. I was meant to stop you from drinking; I can’t bear the thought that you might have gone back to it because of me.


I still love you, I still miss you. Each day I try and tell you that. I want so much to be able to talk to you properly, but I can’t. There are rules. Complicated rules, I don’t understand them, but they stop me from talking to you. I want to tell you that I still love you; don’t give in because I do still love you, so much.


And it’s not just that that I worry about, I worry about you forgetting me. I worry about you moving on. What if you fall in love with another girl, what if it turns out that she’s “the one” for you?


I wonder if there is any way to let you know how much I miss you. To let you know that I cry because of you, cry whenever I think of you. I doubt you know. How can you tell when someone cries in Heaven?

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
’cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven


The song is “Tears In Heaven” by Eric Clapton.