You are going to love this even if you live in FL!

Dear Diary,

April 30th:

Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now

this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days

and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from

a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found

my home. I love it. here.

May 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an

air- conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a

pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a

real sun worshipper.

June 5th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of

palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for

me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but

I love it here.

July 1st:

The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at

night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about. Getting

used to the heat will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP

collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything

made out of plastic in the car. Got one of those fuzzy steering

wheel covers, cheaper than burn ointment for my hands. I always

wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. (got 3rd degree burns all over my

body.) What a dumb thing to do. Missed two days of work. Learned

my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like

this.

July 20th:

I miss our cat Tabby. He snuck into the car this morning before

I left for work. By the time I got back to the car at lunch

time, he'd swollen up to the size of a basket-ball. And just as

I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather

upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more

pets in this heat! I told the kids Tabby ran away.

July 25th:

Ocean breezes my ass. Hot is hot!! The A/C's on the fritz and

the repair guy charged $200 just to drive by and tell me it's

broke and he has to order parts before he can fix it. Only hope

for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool three nights now. Swatting the

swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 house

payments and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:

100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed. It cost $500

and gets the the temperature down to about 90. Wowee! The

electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two

old lady drivers ran me off the road today. I hate this state.

Aug 8th:

If another wise-guy says "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going

to tear his head off. Friggin heat! By the time I get to work,

the radiator is overheating, my clothes are soaking wet and I

smell like roasted Garfield!

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and

sunny. It's been steaming hot for over two #@*& months and the

weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And whoever

came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you

don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.

Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place??

Aug 14th:

Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack

the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The

installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?".

My wife had to use the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of

jail.

Aug 29th:

Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon

rains finally came. All it did was make it muggier and drive the

damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!

The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its

new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York

where all you have to worry about is getting mugged. I hope this

state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.