ROMANCE ARITHMETIC

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE MATHEMATICS

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman... before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU AB! OUT GETTING MARRIED.

Old aunts used to come up to me at wed dings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "you're next." They stopped doing this after I did the same thing to them at funerals.