Subject: Redneck Computer

GOPHER : small animal that digs holes in yer lon

HACKER : granpa after 62 years of smokin

HANDSHAKING : granma with parkinsons

HARDCODE : wen the snoot in yer nose gets real dry

HARD COPY: pictur to look at when selecting tattoos

HARD DRIVE : gettin home in the muddy season with a flat tire

HARDWARE : (1) leather and spats (2) yer rifle and guns

HEADER : a game as in the braves are playin a dubble header

HOMEPAGE : place in the newspaper with houses for sale

IBM : anser wen teechur calls yur name

ICON : braggin as in icon lift yur truk with one arm

INDEX : what poker cards cum in

INFRARED : ware the leftovers go when Freds here

INSTALL : ware ya keep your horse

INTERACTIVE : run into the house

INTERNET : (1) wut the bait duz wen ya catch it (2) ware cafeteria workers put thar hair

INTERNET EXPLORER : a currous fish

ITALIC : furriner from Roam

JAVA : strong coffee

JAVA APPLETS : fritters for dunkin

JAZZ DRIVE ; fancy new sports car

JOYSTICK : wat you open yur pants fur

KEYBOARD : ware ya hang yur truk keys

LAN : (1) to borrow as, Bert, lan me yur truk (2) the grass in fronta yur house

LAPTOP : ware the little kids jump on to sit

LASER PRINTER : fella too tired ta rite his ma

LINK : breakfast sausage

LOG ON : making a wood stove hotter

LOG OFF : takin the wood off the pile fur usin

MAC : yur kids favorite food

MAIN FRAME : wut holds up the barn roof

MANUAL : truk without automatic geers

MEGABYTE : wucha git from Meg durin luvmakin

MEGAHERTZ : (1) watcha git when yer not keerful gettin the farwood

(2) yer head after 3 six-paks

MEMORY : watcha dont furgit

MEMORY CARD : used to cheat on tests

MENU : restarent list

MICROCHIP : wuts left in the munchie bag when the chips are gone

MICROFICHE : tiny fish used fur bait

MICROPROCESSOR : fine meat chopper fur making sausage

MICROSOFT : defrostin a TV dinner in the microwave

MICROSOFT WINDOWS : small plastic things on return envelopes

MICROSOFT WORD : whisper

MIME : belongs to me

MODEM : whacha do to the grass twisa yeer

MONITOR : teachur's helper at lunch

MOTHERBOARD : source of toothpicks

MOTOR HOUSING : a winnebago

MOUSE : fuzzy white thing wut eats the horses grain in the barn and ya

can stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case

MOUSE PAD: where Mickey and Minnie live

MULTICASTING : two actors taking turns playing a part in a play

MULTISYNC : two washing areas in the same bathroom

NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR ; leeder of fish eludin comershall fishermen

NETWORK : (1) ESPN, FOX, NBC

(2) scoopin up a big fish befor it brakes the line

NEWSGROUP : wives gossippin

NOVELL : (1) a fictional book

(2) a new way of doin sumthing

ONLINE: ware to stay when takin a sobriety test

ORICLE : (1) earlobe

(2) a singin bird

OVERWRITE : what makes yur checks bounce

PACKET : wucha do to a suitcase before a trip

PASSWORD : fore, used wen playin golf

PING : noise the truk makes wen ya use cheep gas

PIXEL : small child or fairy

PLOTTER PEN : jail for conspirators and terrorists

PLUG-IN : push the end ot the TV cord into the wall

POP : (1) Dad

(2) coke or pepsi

POP SERVER : Mom

PORT : fancy wine

PRINTER : fella who can't rite in handritin

PRINTOUT ; wen ya uz a eraser or whiteout to currect a misteak

PROGRAM : wuts on the TV when there's receptshun

PROGRAMMER : fella with the TV remote

PROMPT : wucha wish the mail was in mud season

PROXY SERVER : sappini deliverer wen ya cant do it yurself

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AIN'T REAL BRIGHT?

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes, What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding  marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the

shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of

wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

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