| A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. At first he was worried, but when there seemed to
be no ill effects, he forgot all about it. Once in the doctor's office, the
man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. And the first thing
the proctologist saw was the eye staring right at him. "You know," he said,
coming around the table to confront his patient, "you've really got to learn
to trust me."
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." |
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| As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having
a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at
this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained,
I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna
eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room
again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears running down her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
Sad and broken up she looked at me and said... "Mommy, where's my booger?" |
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| Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
So, all of this made him what? .. A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. |
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| His and Hers drive-thru ATM machines: (THE WAY IT REALLY IS)
HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt 5. Drive away
HERS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Back up and pull forward to get closer 3. Engage parking brake 4. Shut off engine 5. Put keys in purse 6. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 7. Hunt for card in purse 8. Insert card 9. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it. 10. Enter PIN 11. Study instructions. 12. Hit "cancel" 13. Re-enter correct PIN 14. Check balance 15. Look for envelope 16. Look in purse for pen 17. Make out deposit slip 18. Endorse checks 19. Make deposit 20. Study instructions 21. Make cash withdrawal 22. Get in car 23. Check makeup 24. Look for keys 25. Start car 26. Check makeup 27. Start pulling away 28. Stop 29. Back up to machine 30. Get out of car 31. Take card and receipt 32. Get back in car 33. Put card in wallet 34. Put receipt in checkbook 35. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 36. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 37. Check makeup 38. Put car in reverse 39. Put car in drive 40. Drive away from machine 41. Drive 3 miles 42. Release parking brake |
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The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. |
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| Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses." The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. |
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| 1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. 3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions. 4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. 5. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature. 6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. 7. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. 8. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. 9. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it. 10. Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home see what's in the fridge and go to
bed, married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge. 11. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes. 12. What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better that THAT!" 13. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect". 14. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They re all married. 15. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful? God says, "So you would love her". "But God", the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says, "So she would love you!" Why men aren't secretaries: Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife: Someone from Gyna College called, they said Pabst beer is normal? |
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| The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... "Nothin', but you left your Injun running." |
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| An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging
along. When the doctor enters the examination room and then tells the old
man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT DID HE SAY? WHAT'S HE WANT?" His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear." |
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| More than meets the eye...
The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?" |
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| QUICK WIT
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class." |
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| The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady came in and
asked for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and asked, "What's
a seven ten cap?" She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got
lost somehow and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it?" they asked.
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but she says that it is a
Buick.
"Okay, lady, how big is it?" She made a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" we asked. She said, "I don't know, but it's always been there." One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she made a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she wrote 710. The guys behind the counter were watching as she wrote it....And they just fell down behind the counter laughing hysterically. The one guy said, "I think you want an...........As she interrupted with, "I just need one and I don't see what is so funny about it. **Now get a paper, draw a circle, write 710 inside of it. Now rotate the circle 180 degrees and see why they were laughing. |
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| A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names." "This one is my oldest--he's Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy! "All right...I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?" "Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea ever had, naming them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's easy," said the mother "Then I call them by their last names." |
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?" ------------------------------------------ It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, What'd he do?" ------------------------------------------ His father sent a small boy to bed. Five minutes later... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance! . Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" ------------------------------------------ An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven? "The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!" ------------------------------------------ One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." ------------------------------------------ It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." ------------------------------------------ Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay! like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said, 'Let there be light.' And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry." I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees. A white guy and a black guy were having an argument as to whether God was white or black. So they booked a flight to the Holy Land, trekked up Mt. Sinai, and shouted their question up towards the sky as loudly as possible. "I AM WHAT I AM," boomed down the earthshaking response. "You see," said the white guy, turning around to his friend triumphantly. "Whaddaya mean?" asked the black guy. "What does that prove?" "Listen, if He were black, he would have said, 'I is what I is.'"
The English teacher in a public school in Spanish Harlem decided it was time for the weekly vocabulary lesson. "What's the difference between select and choose, Ramon?" she asked. "Select is when you pick something," he answered, "and choose is what Puerto Ricans wear on their feets." |
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| Milton came into his JAP wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured,
whould you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you anymore?" he asked anxiously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. "Well how about if I lost my job as vice-president?" Milton went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures anymore. Would you still love me then?" "The JAP fondly took her husband's worried face between her hands. "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you." |
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