LESSONS OF LIFE

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. They are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

I've learned that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl will more than be there for "you".

I've learned that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken therapy is still expensive.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't have secret plans to move out.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

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