| adult shorts |
| Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack
fell down and got hurt. Early the next day Jack was complaining about the sharp pain in his groin, so Jill took him to the emergency room for an examination. Only a few minutes into the doctor's examination, Jill left the room and ran all the way home. "What happened?" asked Mom when Jill burst into the kitchen. "Mom, Jack was masturbating!" "Really?" asked Mom in a concerned tone. "Yeah," said Jill. "The doctor took hold of Jack's balls and said, 'Jack, cough.'"
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle,shouting, "Your mom's the best piece of ass in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mother was squealing the whole time!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
what do you call a homosexual chariot racer? ben gay what do you call a gay midget? sweet and low |
| Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?
asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks,
"Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of
this key", Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards
penis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward, "Hey buddy, are
you aware that you're exposing yourself? " Edward looks down sadly and moans,
"OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!! "
Mel and Howie are fishing partners, but Howie always catches more fish than Mel. One Saturday morning they're out on the lake, and Howie's pulled in a couple of nice-sized bass. Mel notices Howie sniffing his bait before putting it on the hook. "How come?" he asks his friend. "I have a friend who works in an autopsy room," explains Howie, "and he slips me the cunts. They make great bait." "I can see that," says Mel, "but why do you smell them?" "Every so often he slips in an asshole." An international conference of sexologists was convened to determine once and for all why the penis is shaped the way it is. Each national delegation had done extensive research and was to announce the results. Said the French spokesman, "We have spent five million francs, and can now firmly state zat ze penis is ze shape it is in order to give pleasure to ze woman." "I say," said the British representative, "we've spent thirty thousand pounds and are quite sure that the shape is in order to give maximum pleasure to the man." "We've spent a million bucks," drawled the American, "and there's no further doubt about the fact that it's that shape so that your hand doesn't slip off the end." The elementary school lesson for the day was The Farm. "All right, children," said the teacher, "who can tell me the name of the big building all the animals sleep in?" "The barn," piped up Melissa "Very good, Melissa. And who knows the name of the tall, cylindrical building next to the barn that the farmer stores the grain in?" "The silo," said Susie. "Right, Susie. And who knows what the little metal bird on the roof of the barn is called, class? Mark?" "That's ... uhh ... the weather-thing." "Well, you're right, Mark. It is for telling us something about the weather. But who can tell us what the exact name is, and why?" "It's a weathercock," explained Davey, "because if it were a weathercunt the wind would blow right through it." |
| A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea. |
| An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him & said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never did anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
| Sex in Florida
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, and pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
The English officer was not particularly pleased when he was assigned to a detachment of American soldiers in a NATO post, and his worst fears were confirmed when the American officer in charge came over and slapped him on the back. "Hey there, Nigel," he boomed. "Call me Biff." "You're going to like our camp," the American went on heartily. "We don't just sit around watching the grass grow and waiting for orders, you know. Take Monday nights. On Mondays we all get drunk as skunks." "Count me out," said the Englishman stiffly. "I don't drink." "Hey pal, that's okay," the American reassured him. "You'll have some fun on Tuesday nights when we all get wrecked on weed." "I wouldn't think of it." "Not to worry," the American officer went on, "because you'll love Wednesdays. That's when we bring the local chicks over and the real fun begins." "I hate to disappoint you, old chap," said Nigel, "but I don't consort with cheap women." "You don't?" The American was clearly puzzled. "Say, you aren't one of those queers, are you?" "Certainly not!" replied the Brit, highly insulted. "Biff whistled through his teeth. "Well, for sure you're not gonna like Thursday nights." |
| A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had
a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully
slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity! |
| JACK IS 63 YEARS OLD AND LOVES TO FISH. HE WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT THE
OTHER DAY WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP." HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."
HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG. JACK SAID "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"? THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'LL TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF." JACK LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET. THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."
JACK OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG." |
| A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several
weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls
a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." |
| A Jamaican man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices
a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over
and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her
knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle
and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying this is from the gentleman.
She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the Jamaican.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."
After reading this note, the Jamaican sends one of his own back to her. It reads: "Jus su yuh know - Mi ave a bran new Benz an' a bran new Bimma park up inna mi yaad, an mi ave over ten million inna di bank, but nuhbaddy, an'mi mean NUHBADDY, nah guh mek mi cut off 3 inche off a wah mi ave inna mi pants. Suh yuh can jus sen back di bottle a champagne." |
| This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???"
This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."
A young man was spending the night at the apartment of a married couple of his acquaintance. Since they had no couch, the couple decided to share their bed with their guest, and they all retired early. It wasn't long afterwards that the wife whispered in the young man's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's butt; if he's asleep we can make love." The young man did as instructed, and after getting no response from the husband, he proceeded to make it with the wife. Not feeling completely satisfied, the wife proceeded to propose the same course of action a second time, and later a third time, and the young man was more than willing to oblige. Finally the husband rolled over and said wearily, "Listen, it's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?" A priest and a rabbi decided to pool their money and buy a car, since neither could affod one on his own. On the day of the purchase, they made an agreement at the Toyota dealership that the vehicle would not be more of one religion than the other. The priest was a very devout fellow, however, and the very first night, unaware of the rabbi spying on him through the keyhole, he sneaked into the garage and sprinkled a little holy water on the hood. The next night, very cautiously, the rabbi tiptoed into the garage. Hacksaw in hand, he proceeded to take four inches off the tailpipe... |