(cue the beeps of the old news rooms as the never-to-be-balding-as-much-as-other-anchormen chris zwicker's face takes over 2/3 of the screen while an inset picture of god shows up by his head) is that descriptive enough for ya?

NEWSFLASH! THIS JUST IN! stories of the hour...better known as the rants and humor (at least i see it that way)...crazy people with bad fashion sense that can't sing and look like they were fabricated by canadian and american idol - they really do exist!...also, god speaks for first time about new pope - was a big mistake - says "they all look alike with that little red hat. i couldn't tell them apart!!"

enough of that, now read this...have you ever wondered what it was like to be on canadian or american idol? maybe even turkish idol? i think it exists so don't laugh...that phenomenon grabbed so much attention that OJ coulda killed someone and gotten away with it. but honestly, have you ever wondered what it would be like? not to murder someone but to stand behind the scenes or see the people waiting in line for this audition...to wonder what it must be like, the anxiety, the tears, the joy then ultimately the realization that ur being laughed at on tv by millions of people a night...well, wait no more...i'm at least gonna fill you in on seeing 2/3 of that first hand. i might be slightly nuts to have done this but i decided to take the adventure and "camp out" the night before so that my friend and her friend could get a shot at their 15 minutes of fame. we showed up at 730pm april 14th and landed ourselves amazing seats next to none other than celine dion and tom cochrane who, according to unnamed sources were trying to revive their careers...then again i could be lying but we did get good seats. after four agonzing (and by agonizing i mean beerless and i had friday off) hours during which time everyone was practicing their songs at the same time (just a note, there was some amazing artists in that group of people. i'm just trying to make you feel sorry for me), the head of security for canadian idol comes out and gives us the rules of whatever and tells us to get our rest. let me tell you this, i had about 3 hours of the worst sleep in my life and the other two ladies had less than i did...might be because i was lying again when i said "beerless"...i found one at the restaurant when i called my sister.

now to explain something...by sleep, i should tell you that sleep that night consisted of the three of us being so cold that our hearts stopped. being equally as brilliant as the next, we each brought 1 blanket and 1 pillow to sleep on the concrete floor. funny thing is this, we each expected to be sleeping outside. why on earth we brought just 1 blanket and 1 pillow is beyond my imagination but this is no lie. and yes we all graduated high school and the two of them are in college, at least one of which i know is passing with flying colours. so now it's 530am and people have been singing the whole night (some more easy to sleep to than others). we wait until at 8am mr security comes out to give us the rules...again...shoulda slept through the first set but we listened and waited for their (my two friends who will remain nameless cuz i don't have their approval to mention their names here) turn to shine. this was when we noticed some of the most hideous fashion senses and voices come out. i'll tell you now, don't be suprised to see a bright blue dress, fucked up make up, ponytail to the side (and if you're reading this, please, let us take you shopping) just some overall hideous getups and voices. best part was i got to watch as they got the yellow slips (the ones that tell the person they passed the first round). who lets this happen? the producers...for your humour. i don't have much to say past that. we didn't make it on the show but now you know the agonizing pain that a person can go through at these events. (i'm gonna be honest and tell you it was actually fun despite the lack of sleep and long waits. there was plenty of good talent there. some that didn't go through that i thought should have. and for the record as well, there is no quotas for who can and can't go through. they don't take 10 people specifically from each place or anything like that. i've got my votes placed on a couple that i think that made it from here...time to watch and wait)

zwixxx (see the next rant for my shots on the second title...i don't wanna include it here)