Here I am again, Its kinda weird, I come here often, Well ever since Jeff died. I sit on the top turnbuckle and stare into space.

Sometimes I can feel Jeff's presents on my back.

Sometimes I can hear him call my name.

Sometimes I just sit and take in the warmth and the comfort I used to feel when I was around him, but it's all gone now.

Jeff is gone.

It saddens me to think I will never be able to touch his skin again.

That I will never be able to look into his emerald green eyes.

That I will never be able to hear his voice.

That I will never be able to feel the pride within me when thousands of people cheer for him.

It deeply saddens me that I will never be able to see my Baby Brother again.

I can't believe he is gone, I blame myself, even though I know he died doing what he loves. At night when I sit on the turnbuckle for hours after a Show is over, I hear him talk to me. I can't talk back. But I hear his voice and that keeps me sane for another day.

It's funny really wrestling meant so much to Jeff and myself. I remember when we were little kids, always talking and dreaming about being in the WWF and being famous. We made a pact back when we first started all those years ago. That if something happened to one of us and we had to quit, the other would too.

But after Jeff died, I couldn't leave. I felt I needed the attention. I know I broke a promise to Jeff, and I know he is probably upset about that. I don't know how many nights since he died I've sat in this ring and apologized to him.

I apologized for making that match.

I apologized for letting this happen to him.

I apologized for not moving on.

People think I am slipping into a deeper depression every day Jeff is gone, and for the most part they're right. Jeff was the ray of light in my life. He made the months on the road bearable. No matter how tired he was, he made sure that I was happy, and now when I have to travel I wish he was still by my side.

I can't sleep at night.

Watching videos of us is unbearable.

I have cut myself off to all people that Jeff and myself were once close to. I just told them, I need my space. Sometimes I feel I have too much space.

Its been six months since Jeff died.

On his Birthday I locked my self in my hotel room and cried his twenty-fourth birthday away. My birthday wasn't much better. I missed the birthday punches he used to give me. I missed his smile when he woke me up early just so I could be with him. My whole family is worried about me, but I can't talk to them. Jeff was their baby, when they found out he died, the whole family sunk into a depression. But unlike me they have moved on.

I am still plagued by the sight of Jeff's final Swanton. The thought of it makes me want to end my own suffering. Some nights are worse then others though.

On the better nights I am lucky to get in three or four hours of sleep, I usually cry myself to sleep laying with a picture of Jeff in my hand.

On the bad nights however, I am brought into a nightmare, that I fear will never end. I am brought back to the night Jeff died. I am seemingly forced to watch my baby brother dive of the top rope, miss the landing and break his neck. I see the everlasting pain etched on his face. I hear him crying out in my mind. I go to him but I am pushed away by EMT's. I hear Lita sobbing and try my best to comfort her. I stand outside the ring starring at Jeff, praying for him to move. I think to myself that at any minute he is going to move, this nightmare will be over.

The last words I hear Jeff speak are "Matt, I love you."

Those words brought me to tears, I knew right then and there he could not be saved. I collapsed covering my face with my hands. His words playing over in my mind.

I scream out "Jeff I love you, Don't leave me".

It was too late I see his chest rise and fall slowly for the last time. I grab his hand and hold it tightly until the EMT's place his lifeless body on the stretcher, even then I don't want to let go, because I know that is the last time I would be able to touch him.

Those are the nights I dread the most, after these nights I want to end it all. I want to be with Jeff so badly but I know I can't be.

Depression turns to rage and rage turns to anger.

Again I blame myself for his death. Even though it won't bring him back. Oh how I wish it could.

I haven't been the same since I saw Jeff laying in that Coffin. His youthful looks were gone, he was now pale and cold. He looked like he was just asleep. When I saw him I knew this wasn't a horrible dream. I knew this was real. I told him I loved him, and I would never forget him.

Walking away I stopped dead in fear and sadness. I broke down. I lost my baby brother. I can never have him back. It all finally hit me.

The pain and heartbreak came to me at once. I spent the rest of his funeral starring at the coffin. Thinking in the back of my mind that is was a dream. But knowing that it was all too real.

I go to see his grave every week and I sit there and talk to him. Sometimes a breezed hits my back, and I close my eyes, believing that somehow he heard what I said.

Each time I see him I trace my finger over his tombstone. Reading the words I asked to have printed. These six words give me the strength I need. I tell myself "Fear is only a four letter word" over and over again when I am sitting at his grave. I don't fear death, I tell myself. I fear not seeing the people I love.

I think to myself about all Jeff is missing out on. As I sit I talk to him for hours about what he has missed. All the Matches, and all the "Good" times. Well, I lie about the "Good" times. I just want him to think I am OK. I can't put him through more pain.

But somehow I feel he knows when I am lying...Well at least I think he knows. But spending hours in a ring talking to your dead brother, doesn't really make your perfectly sane. But I don't really care what the people think. I am at a loss for life right now. Thinking of Jeff makes me realize all that I used to have.

I was blessed with a great career and with a brother like Jeff. Although I think I might have taken these things for granite, and taking Jeff's life was God's way of evening out my life.

Over the past six months I have thought about why my baby brother was taken away from the only arms he felt safe in. Why my life had to be knocked off course. Don't get me wrong, I was raised to love God and that is what I will do until the day I take my last breathe. But why did he have to take someone so young, and so precious? Many nights I ask him this.

I ask him why couldn't he have taken me instead.

I never get my answer. All I get is a bone chilling sensation down my backbone. I know that is Jeff's spirit, who is again checking up in me.

But tonight is all different, the cold chill turns into something more. I rub my eyes with rage, causing them to turn bright red. But in the Distance I see it, a profile of Jeff standing in the middle of the ring. He is looking at me with that loving look in his eyes.

"Matt, Matt, are you there?" I hear him faintly call out. His voice is much softer then usual.

"Jeff is that you? Baby brother is that you?"

"Yes Matt it is. I heard you. I need to settle things."

"What things Jeff? You came back. Now you can stay with me."

"No Matt I can't. I came here to ask you why you still cry over me. Why haven't you moved on Like every one else?"

"Because Jeff, I miss you. I need you with me. I can't function with out you. My life is nothing without you"

"Matt, my dear brother I know you feel like you are to blame. You weren't it was my time to leave you, I am sorry but it just was."

"Jeff, I can't live another day alone, I need you here with me, I....."

"Mattie, you don't have to worry about me, I am not upset with you. It was just my time. I have excepted that, and now you have to. Please Matt, move on for me."

"Jeff I have lived alone. Worked alone. Traveled alone, for six months. I lost all the friends I had, they all hate me. I don't want to live in this world anymore."

"Matthew, how can you say these things. I have watched over you in heaven. You need to continue on. If not for yourself then for me. Matt this was our dream. You have to finish what we started."

"No, Jeff I can't, not with out you. Please take me with you. I can't live here another day without hearing your voice."

"Matt, your life means more to me, than anything else. I love you. You can't leave this world now. Dying will do nothing, but put our family through pain. I can't bear see them in that much pain."

"Please Jeff, I know what I want, this life is to difficult to make it alone. Please come and take me. I need to see you. I want to be with you again, forever and always.

"Matt, I must go, I can't take your life, but I can give you my soul to take with you. When you need me. Matt I am sorry, but my time is over, I must leave you."

Jeff's profile is slowly fading away when Matt cries out.

"Jeff, my baby brother, I love you! I will never forget you! Someday we will meet again! Please help me through this life, and I will be forever grateful!"

Jeff nods as his form disappears and Matt feels a cold chill down his spine.

"Goodbye Jeff, I will never forget you. Please watch over me."