Tomorrow came quickly. As soon as I closed my eyes I felt Daddy's arm on my shoulder. He shook me once and I opened my eyes. Daddy didn't look good; His eyes were gray and closing. His arms were shaking. I grabbed his arm and held on. Why was he shaking?

Daddy then woke Mattie up, running his finger down Matt's jawbone. Mattie opened his eyes slowly and turned to look at us. He sat up and rubbed his little brown eyes. Mommy always said Mattie had beautiful eyes. She was never more right. His eyes can burn holes through your skin.

Daddy told us that Grandma and Grandpa were coming down today. My eyes lit up; I love when Grandma and Grandpa came. That always meant presents and hugs. Matt looked just as happy as me. He loved Grandpa. Even more than me.

We got up from bed; Daddy put clothes out for us to change into. I changed into my jeans and Scooby Doo T-shirt without any help. Matt struggled to put the shirt over his head. I helped him a little. We finally figured out the shirt was still buttoned. We laugh about that. This was rare, I don't think Matt ever laughed at himself. Aunt Joanie came into the room and gave us both big hugs. She then took a comb and brushed our hair. She told us to come down and have some breakfast before Grandma and Grandpa came.

I ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. I went to my chair at our big oak table. Daddy already had my cereal out in the bowl. He poured some milk into it and I grabbed my Scooby Doo spoon. As you can tell, I loved Scooby Doo. Mattie came down the steps loudly, jumping down every two steps. Daddy yelled up the steps and told him to stop before he hurts himself. How did Daddy know Matt was jumping down the steps? I guess it's just a thing Daddy has.

Mattie came into the kitchen and sat in his chair. Daddy tried to pour milk into Matt's cereal. Mattie didn't want it and ate his cereal dry. Weird huh? I don't know why but Matt always eats his cereal dry. Even now, I think its weird. But I don't argue with him. Daddy poured himself some more coffee and sat at the table with us. Aunt Joanie came downstairs with sheets and blankets in her arms. Why is she washing sheets? That was what Mommy did. Why is she doing Mommy's job? Then I remember what Mattie told me.

Mommy wasn't coming back. I wondered why. Didn't she like us? Did she have another family with another Mattie and Jeffie she loved more? I didn't understand why. I thought Mommy loved us the best. I guess things change.

The doorbell rang once and rang throughout the whole house. I jumped off the chair and ran to the door before Daddy could even tell me to slow down. I reached the big wooden door and used all my strength to open it. People don't understand how heavy a door is for a four-year-old.

Grandma and Grandpa were on the front porch. Grandma had a shopping bag filled with boxes. That meant one thing, presents. Grandpa had a suitcase in his left hand. I let them in. Grandpa put the suitcase in the living room. I yelled to Daddy they were here. That's when Matt ran across the living room jumping into Grandpa's arms almost knocking him over. Grandma picked me up and gave me a big kiss. I somehow wiggled free from her grip allowing her to kiss Matt.

Daddy stood in the living room with his hands in his pockets and his head bowed. He looked like a dog that has just been scowled at. Grandma went over and gave Daddy a kiss. He put his arms around her and they swayed back and forth. Grandpa walked over slowly. He looked like he didn't know what to do. He wasn't the only one.

I didn't know what to do. What to say. How to Feel. Or how to make them happy again. I didn't know why everyone cried. And whenever I asked, they all told me the same thing, that I would understand better when I was older. I didn't want to wait till I was older. I wanted to know right now.

I overheard Grandma telling Daddy that they would stay a few days after the funeral to make sure we were ok. So that's what they were sad about, a funeral. What's a funeral anyway? I think that may be something I ask them. Not now, in a few hours or days.

Later that day, Grandma and Grandpa went with Daddy to church. Mattie, Aunt Joanie, and I didn't go. Why is that? Daddy always took us to church; we sat right up in front. There's another thing I have to ask them.

I have to ask them a lot of things. But I have to decide when and where I want to ask them; I don't want them to cry anymore. It is starting to make me cry and I don't like crying. I can't stop. Mommy was the only one who ever could make me stop. She would hold me in her arms, and I would rest my head on her shoulder. I loved doing that; I could stay that way for hours.

We went out for dinner that night, at Mommy's favorite restaurant. Again we had to dress up and act nice. Matt and I sat together. Matt didn't really talk much during dinner. He just sat there. He looked really scared and tired.

Grandma and Grandpa talked quietly with Aunt Joanie and Daddy about that thing, a funeral. Whatever that is. Daddy got really stiff when the talked about it. They didn't talk much. I heard Mommy's name come up a few times, and when I looked up from my coloring book they stopped talking.

When dinner came, Daddy told us to bow our heads and pray. We always did this, every Sunday. But this time instead of Daddy telling God how grateful he was, He asked God why he had to take mommy away. Why she had to leave him and us. Wow, Daddy wandered the same thing I did.

I think he got his answers though. I was still waiting for my answer. Unfortunately I would have to wait a long time before I got answers to my questions.

After dinner we drove home and Grandma put me and Mattie in the tub. She told us how brave we were, and how proud of us she was. Mattie was still quiet, barely making eye contact with her. That was until she put her hand under his chin, tickling his chin and neck; finally he laughed.

God I missed the laugh just as much as I missed Mommy. Maybe Grandma knew what happened to Mommy. I have to ask her. I'll do it when Mattie goes to sleep. I don't want him to cry anymore.

When Grandma put Mattie in bed, she kissed his forehead and pulled the blankets up for him. He said goodnight to her. She walked over to me and sat on the corner of my bed. She smiled weakly at me. She looked tired too. Everyone in my family looked tired, except me. Grandma kissed my forehead, and was just about to leave when I finally had the courage to ask her the question I so desperately needed the answer for...

"Grandma..." I said. "Yes Jeffie." Her voice was calming. As long as I live I will never forget her voice. "Where's Mommy?" I managed to say through closed teeth. "Oh Jeffie. Mommy is...Mommy is..."Her voice caught in her throat and she forced the words out. "Jeff you have to understand something. Mommy is up in Heaven, with God." I looked at her with confused eyes. "Is she ever coming back?" She ran her hand through my hair "Oh Jeffie, I'm sorry. She's not going to come back. But you know what? Every time you look into the sky, and you see a star twinkle brightly, You will know that is Mommy smiling down at you. She will be so proud of you." My eyes began to fill with tears, Grandma kissed my forehead and told me to get some sleep.

Why does she have to be gone? She's my Mommy. How come she left us? More questions that had to be answered. All in Good Time.

I got out of bed and went over to my window. I picked up the blind and looked outside into the pure blackness that is night in North Carolina. There are no stars. Grandma said that Mommy was a star. There are no stars out tonight.

I crawled back into bed. My eyelids are heavy and beginning to close. Maybe tomorrow there will be stars. Maybe tomorrow Mommy will be in the sky...


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