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Fluid movement, predictable always, can be seen through the glass as rain beats down in a steady rhythm; the swoosh of wipers and the spray of hydroplaning tires adds to the musical sound of water. The ocean side is dark and shadowy; a storm is on its way, spreading the sea foam further up the sandy shore and the rain further into people's lives. Despite the impending natural disaster, the waves by the docks of Bodega Bay gently fell onto each other, adding more melodious tunes to the ones already playing throughout the night. Jaina and Maura drove through the darkness to come to the ocean, if only for a few minutes before the weather disintegrated past tolerable, just for the therapeutic sights and sounds of the untamed wild sea. The other two accompanying them miss the purpose of the trip; their complaints and whining go entirely unheard by the girls. Even under the narrow roof by the Tides Warf balcony the two young women aren't shielded from the numerous tiny droplets pelting the earth. Jaina thinks to herself that this is a good thing, even though they are being drenched with a quick, almost painful force. The situation makes it unnoticeable to her companions that tears join the liquid already pouring down her face, and that shivering isn't caused only by the cold. Jaina stares motionlessly across the water, it slowly turns more violent and the volume increases. The sounds intensify inside her mind, a rush of thoughts and emotions swirl as ominously as the waves. The perilous resonance echoes, Jaina's senses are overwhelmed with excitement and numbness at the same time. She doesn't blink, just stares across the Pacific, knowing that just out of sight is the other side. Muffled voices pester the train of thought Jaina pursues; her false reality of sights and sounds associated with the water is shattered when the voices become louder than the waves. The friends' voices trying to sway Jaina away from the balcony and water were never muffled, just ignored. It takes yelling to get her attention, to snap her back to this existence. It's time to leave they say, we have to go now, we can't stay. Jaina turns her back to the Pacific, to the far shoreline she still can't see. She can't stay, not now, but next time, maybe. The ride back to home, away from the ocean, is a quiet and thoughtful one. Maura drives with her attention focused on the slick roads, Jaina loses herself in her own thoughts, and the two guys remain clueless passengers. "Why did you want to come to the beach on a day like this? The weather is horrible, it was a waste of time." A comment made by the king of complainers himself, Brent, directed toward no one in particular. Jaina turns from her window and says quietly almost to herself, "I needed to." Not one to get involved in things he doesn't understand, Neil makes no response but listens intently and gives Jaina a quizzical glance. Brent refuses to let the conversation die so suddenly so continues, "why do you like the ocean so much anyway?" As much as the tone of voice implies, Brent never asks a rhetorical question. Such a simple question, it seems. Jaina's answer is not so simple though, but she condenses her thoughts to what most readily comes to mind, what she hopes Brent can understand. "Because I'm afraid of it," she says with sublime intentions. "What?" Brent's face contorts to mocking misunderstanding, trying to pass on the feeling of stupidity to Jaina since he isn't able to understand this concept. Brent doesn't catch on, no one in the vehicle does. Jaina knows this, but knows as well that they never will, so she doesn't continue with a further explanation. In an attempt to end the conversation before it gets too complicated, she concludes with "I can't swim," which probably only confuses them more. A short time later, the rain season visits the bay area with full force. The unforgiving weather creates a natural barrier that Jaina is reluctant to cross. Fears and hopes mix into one with the same contingency as rain and seawater. Choices are common at this point in time for people of Jaina's age; choosing a college and career are top priorities as the senior year comes quickly to a close. Deciding where to get an education is not a mere matter of schooling for Jaina; it involves choosing an identity as well. Her impending decision will change everything in her life, family and friends will all be lost. A vague dream hangs before her eyes as an early morning mist, but this is one that will not fade with warmth and time. A small town in the midst of a rain forest, a mountain on one side, and the Pacific on the other, located in a harsh environment surrounded by a beauty unrivalled by any other. This mystical place is in America's final frontier, the last untouched realm of natural perfection. Juneau, Alaska; a place with all the benefits of the modern world but none of the crushing pressures and dangers that society usually holds. For the pantheistic mind of a person such a Jaina, this place represents all that life has to offer, all it should be. An obvious decision, it seems. Go there, to where happiness and fulfillment exist as in no other form. But alas, life is never perfect; things are not always as simple as they appear. Consequences appear in the happiest of moments, stalking prey with fierce determination. Doubt, the magnificent huntress, stalks every motion and thought as closely as a shadow. This shadow looms over the decision making process with bait that is precious and vulnerable-family, friends, and love. This bait is dangled before Jaina on a regular basis, tempting her emotions to sway against her dreams, toward the side of fear and conformity. Her resistance is strong, but not flawless. Questions wedge themselves into her mind as Doubt watches over; what will be lost? "Everything," mutters the fearful subconscious. Family is always family, nothing can change the bond of a bloodline. Or can it? Distance has possibly more influence than the aforementioned huntress. With all the awe inspiring beauty and raw natural power that can be found in Alaska, the usual response found in people is fear. Jaina's own family would succumb to this fear, she knows. The distance will not sever the ties that hold her to her loved ones, but it will weaken them to the point that they cannot be depended on. But what should be more important, she wonders, how to feel about family, or how to feel about oneself? Friends have never played a large role in Jaina's life, for she hasn't had many she considers to be true. A friend would not let a physical distance create an emotional one, this she knows. Yet, does she know any one person who would not? A two-fold doubt, this issue is. Jaina doubts her own intentions of leaving, for fear of losing friends. Yet, she doubts the depth of friendship as well. As for love, it is something that often doesn't exist until after it is lost. Does this make sense? Sure, it does, in the logic Jaina uses to explain her own fears. Love isn't something she knows or understands, but would an opportunity for it be lost upon this decision? Such a fear seems unreasonable to some, but not to a lonely young woman about to give up a happy life to chase a mist, one that might be only a hallucination. Logic works in circles, often applied to flip sides of the same coin. For instance, would staying in a bland environment rather than pursuing a dream hinder the chances of finding love, whatever it may be? More questions are planted by the doubtful huntress, making confusion a prevalent emotion and preventing a decision. Jaina's mind is cluttered with fear, doubt, and curiosity, a passionate mess that only one thing can clean. Dodging the interrogation of others, Jaina follows intuition to a place of peace, where her own thoughts can sort themselves out without the selfish points offered by others who want a decision made for their own benefit. The rain again falls on a trip to the seaside, and Jaina reminds herself that it rains nearly every day in Juneau. Alone this time, Jaina avoids the dock and the narrow roof of the Tides Warf. Surrounded on all sides by moving water, she goes to the edge of the Pacific, her mind cleared of all the previous questions that had clouded her. Looking out across the vast, dark depths of the sea, Jaina knows that she is on the wrong side. Across these waters, just out of sight, is the opposite shoreline, where she should be. Her expression changes to a sad serenity as she thinks, "Yes. I can give it all up, because it is already lost. But it's not a loss really, just a change." Jaina wonders why this decision has been so complicated internally, since when looked at objectively there was no choice in the matter; it is what has to be done. In the matter of free will versus fate, the two often cross paths thanks to that skillful huntress of doubt. Still very afraid of all the things she should be afraid of, Jaina looks down to let her tears fall, but doubts no longer cross her thoughts. She will be alone in so many ways, but she will always have herself, her pride, her dreams, and her strength, even with its flaws. As Jaina turns away from the Pacific so that she can prepare to cross it, she doesn't plan to say goodbye. Instead she says to herself (for she is now possibly her only friend and family), "I find myself asking, which is more important? Being lonely but proud, or loved but ashamed? But it's a rhetorical question. I already know the answer." |
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